Javier Baez takes another shoveling of dirt as he gets buried further. “Is this a staged Off Broadway adaption of The Revenant?” Javier asks as he spits dirt out of his mouth. “You have a toothpick? I have dirt stuck between my teeth. Hello?” Baez doesn’t know why this shadowy figure won’t stop shoveling dirt on top of his body; he’s obviously not dead. Or is he? Just then, the camera swings around, and, in a crazy twist that only M. Night Shamalamadingdong could’ve came up with, the person that is doing the shoveling is Arismendy Alcantara. “If I can’t have fantasy value, then never can you!” Arismendy yells as he cackles maniacally. Then, “You still want that toothpick?” And…scene! So, Jason Heyward signs with the Cubs and moves Arismendy and Baez even further down the depth charts. At this point, they are closer to playing on the Padres after a trade than they are at playing in Chicago. Heyward had sneaky value last year, as in it seemed like he disappointed, but since steals are scarce (only seven players last year stole 30 bags), and since Heyward provided some value in all categories, he wasn’t that bad. His numbers last year seemed like a poor man’s Lorenzo Cain. I will call him Crack Cocaine. Moving to the stacked Cubs lineup and into Wrigley could provide Heyward’s best season to date. I’ll give him the projections of 87/22/77/.274/15, which has him hitting leadoff for about 80 games and shuffling between 2nd, 3rd and 5th in the other games. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in 2016 fantasy baseball:
Mark Reynolds – Signed by the Rockies. Walt Weiss is a moron. To keep him as the manager, it means the Rockies are just dumb, in general. But Weiss really is the King of the Dopes. This has been widely reported by everyone even people not officially reporting it. Like when a reporter says something like, “It’s impressive that the players never quit on Weiss when no one would’ve blamed them.” One of the dumber moves the Rockies have been doing for a while is playing vets at 1st base. This started around Todd Helton’s 10th season past the point when he should’ve been the starter. I really have no idea why the Rockies don’t let Ben Paulsen (or Kyle Parker, for that matter) just be the starter and leave them alone. In the minors, Paulsen (and Parker) showed more than capable skills. But the Rockies refuse to go without a safety net and signed Mini Donkey. Reynolds will be serviceable when he’s starting, which should be for about 300 ABs. I’ll give him the projections 33/15/42/.262/3.
Charlie Morton – Acquired by the Phillies for Pirate pitcher, Dave Whitehead, who has a terrible complexion. Morton is being banished out of Pittsburgh, where he had a 4.81 ERA last year, because he interrupts the narrative about the brilliance of pitching coach, Ray Searage.
Steve Cishek – Signed a deal with the Mariners. Since he looks like he’s 12 years old, it’s good the closer job in Seattle this year won’t be a hernia test administered by Lloyd McClendon. I’m guessing the closer job will come down to the final week of spring training between Cishek and Benoit with Benoit winning.
Yunel Escobar – Traded to the Angels. Yunel is such a Sciosciapath-type player. I could see The Sciosciapath hitting Yunel leadoff for the entire season like he’s some unearthed 33-year-old gem. Mean’s while, C.J. Cron will be on the bench being asked to keep score. Effin’ Scioscia. For 2016, I’ll give Yunel 81/8/49/.263/2.
Brandon Maurer – Padres said they will try Maurer in the rotation. This is interesting because Maurer was set to become the closer. The Padres’ front office keeping everyone on their team on their toes like this.
Christian Bethancourt – Busy offseason for the Padres. First, they grabbed Josmil Pinto, now they’ve grabbed Bethancourt. It’s too bad Tyler Flowers was snatched away from them. That would’ve made a nice trifecta for the Padres in intersquad games against San Diego State.