Grey Albright just may be the greatest visionary of our time. A modern day Nostradamus even. I’ll admit that I didn’t want to buy into the hype surrounding Paul Goldschmidt but now I feel like I deserve a good d!cks slapping. This behemoth homered off the legends known as Kershaw and Kenley Jansen Wednesday night and he’s now batting 313 with 9 dongs, 30 ribbys and 4 base thefts. I haven’t seen this kind of savagery displayed since I witnessed a crew of catholic priests running a train on a teenage boy I once modeled with. Needless to say, I wish I owned him as the man is a true points league monster. How do you do it Grey? I consider myself one of the top 5 most all around talented fantasy players on planet earth and that includes football, basketball and obviously baseball, but Mr. Albright just may have me licked when it comes to roto and I don’t mean sexually. He’s got a mustache fit for an 80’s porn star as well as a heart of gold and you gotta respect it. Enough slurping of the boss. Let’s get to what I saw this week.
Mark Reynolds – A few years ago I looked at Reynolds and thought him to be everything I wanted in a man. I’m speaking of course about his power/speed combo of course, not sleeping with him of course. No, no, I’d never go down that road, that is unless I was paid an exorbitant amount of cash money, or maybe even given free rent. Back to Reynolds: Should he even be know as the “mini donkey” anymore? Dunn’s best days are behind him and Mini donkey owners are more than likely giving it to big donkey owners up the rectum in head to head points leagues, or any type of league for that matter. Now that’s beastiality. The year I finally pass on Reynolds, he returns to form. Woe is me. My hope is that you Reynolds owners truly cherish this angel, for I miss him dearly.
Eric Hosmer – Hosmer continued his historical comeback season Thursday night, making up for all the pain and anguish he caused his owners last year. Wait, what? That was his first long dong of the season??? And he only has 11 rbi’s??? Hold on a second….OK, I’m back. I just ran outside and gave an epic beat down to an elderly man walking the sidewalk. It’s just that I have so much anger built up from owning Hosmer in every league I participated in last season and I’ve refused to acknowledge his presence until just now. I had no idea there was so much hate left in my soul towards this peasant. If you ever meet me in person at one of my meet and greets once I become famous, never, ever, ever, ever, never ever, bring up Eric F##KING Hosmer. I wish good luck to his owners though. I’m kidding, I don’t. RIP(rest in piss).
Ricky Romero – YIKES!
Delmon Young – I liked Delmon much better when he was nearly killing umpires with wood. I was hoping that aggression and intensity would cross over to the professional ranks and he’d one day become a mix of Milton Bradley and Nelson Cruz. What he has become is a journeyman outfielder who can’t play the field, yet he now resides in the national league, which for some inept reason, still makes pitchers hit. Tell me how you enjoy the strategies involved with pitchers bunting a runner over or maybe pulling a Larussa and batting your pitcher 8th. What’s that you say? You think that’s real baseball? In the words of the legendary Nick Buser, “You’re an idiot.” Delmon started off hot, and by that I mean he had one good game and hasn’t done a thing since. Feel free to scroll past his name on the waiver wire.
Scott Kazmir – Don’t do it. Don’t you do it. I know he struck out 10 last night against an A’s lineup more depleted than Lindsay Lohan’s soul, but it won’t happen again. If for some reason it does, this is one of the more improbable comebacks we shall have ever witnessed. I simply don’t believe. The guy has been fish food for years and I’m not buyin’ it. Word to your mother.
Josh Hamilton – With 14.5 points on the week Ham-Bone is showing signs of life. I believe I advised on holding him as his legend will only grow from here. Homering in back to back games is just what we wanted to see from this former prodigy. Maybe that eyesight thing had been bothering him again, or the quitting of nicotine or hookers or whatever his latest issue was. He’s figured it out now, though, and it’s time to reap the benefits. It’s possible his wife allowed him one booty call a week as an incentive to start hitting again. As the great Captain Ron once said, ” Incentives are important. I learned that in rehab.” As did I captain. As did I. I almost did this entire post based on Captain Ron but figured the world wasn’t ready for such a innovative idea. Soon though maybe.
Pedro Alvarez – Pedro finally showed some life last night after embarrassing himself for the past few weeks, and maybe it’s just what he needs to get him going. It’s amazing to me how a guy can have a body comparable to our podcast host Nick Capozzi, and play a sport on a professional level. I mean, I have the body of a greek God and can’t hit the ball out the infield. Anyway, I tire of having this pig drain my team average on a daily basis but am pretty much stuck with him, as I’m sure many of you are as well.
Phil Hughes – Going a combined 14 innings with 18 ks and only giving up 2 runs in 2 starts is a beautiful thing. Not as beautiful as Nick Minaj bending over and grabbing her ankles in front of me, but almost. I was shocked to see him on waiver still a day or two ago and I pounced like Sky when he’s driving around in his van and sees pre-adolescent boys alone on the street. You should do the same. His start today against KC should tell us what we need to know.
Ike Davis – Ike Daddy has a whopping 4.5 points on the week! Things are looking up for this notoriously slow starting slugger. At some point we know he’s going to turn it on and we are forced to suffer until that time comes. Maybe I would have been better off drafting Goldschmidt…..FML!!!
Manny Machado – Only Michael Jackson matches Macho Manny’s wood handling ability. Opposing pitcher are more helpless than Wade Robson when facing this young minotaur. I don’t use the term minotaur blindly, for the man who has a painting of himself as a minotaur in his mansion is none other than Alex Rodriguez, and Machado is the new A-rod. See what I did there? He only has put up 7.5 so far this week but let’s not hold it against him. He will help carry many of you to glory and for that we praise him.
Dan Haren – He’s showing life guys. I like what he’s been doing lately and feel like he could step his game back up to pre-sucking levels.
Roy Halladay – Thanks for the memories. I’ve never once owned you so I don’t know what it felt like, but I know deep in my heart, that the people who drafted you in the 3rd round this year will still remember the good times…………. just like Nicole Simpson’s parents still look fondly upon all the fun they had with O.J., you know, before he…
Evan Gattis – It’s been fun. Welcome to dumpsville broseph.
Heath Bell – I hope you can do better in your 10 team leagues because this butt plug of a closer is going to get rocked. And I mean soon.
Jeremy Guthrie – The buildup for Guthrie Vs. Freddy Garcia was tremendous, almost like Tyson/Holyfield. All jokes aside Guthrie is 5-0 with a 2.28 era. WHAT? That can’t be real, right? Ok, I just checked 5 different websites and it’s really happening. Just a year ago, owning Guthrie would have been akin to a major film studio giving Christian Slater the lead role in a new blockbuster trilogy. We are talking about a 33-year-old with a career 4.2 era, who gave up long balls with the same frequency Oprah takes down twinkies. I just don’t understand it. Might as well ride him while he’s hot though. Good luck.
That is all for this week my peeps but I’m harassing Grey, and trying to get his approval for a post about points league two start pitchers every week. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to in a timely fashion. Thank you for joining me on this fantastic journey. May your weekend be filled with countless bootyliscious beauties, and if you’re a female, may it be filled with……..D1ck?