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Feeling extremely sick today. Should I call Grey and tell him I just can’t complete the task at hand? Should I tell him I’m worried the medication will lead to a sloppy, uninteresting post? How could I ever in all my wildest dreams hope of topping last week’s Naked Gun post, especially caught in this horrible sickness. I can hardly breathe, let alone see straight. Fantasy points league players deserve more than this. Should I just give up and fall into a nyquil induced coma?  Or should I man up, get the bath salts out, blast some Seven Mary Three, and push forward? Since you’re reading this, I obviously chose the latter. So it begins.

Mark Reynolds — Welcome back to the world of ‘people I don’t want savagely beaten’ Mr. Reynolds. Let’s take a look see at the past few weeks of production shall we: 3, 7, 2, 5, -1, dnp, dnp, 4, 13, 4, and 6.  These numbers are on par with what I was looking for when I drafted Reynolds in the 3rd round of a dynasty league, not the peon I have become disgusted with over the past two seasons.

The numbers pale in comparison to his amazing 2009 season where he had 44 homers, 24 steals, and somehow batted .260, but there is still something there. He’s kind of like Val Kilmer in a sense. In the way that Val Kilmer was once a leading man. A headlining actor. A man women wanted and men wanted to be like. So the days of Tombstone, Heat, The Ghost and the Darkness, and anyone even thinking he could be Batman are obviously long gone. And yes, his plastic surgery looks ridiculous, but trust me when I tell you, the man still has something left. If any one of you razzball readers have not seen MacGruber, I recommend you stop whatever it is you are doing and go home and watch it. Kilmer absolutely kills it as Dieter von Cunth in this film and in my not so humble opinion, deserves an award. Reynolds isn’t the young, blossoming star he once was, but that doesn’t mean he’s completely useless. Ride this power surge to the fantasy playoffs. And make sure to check out all Val’s latest straight to DVD hits!

Hanley Ramirez — Heeeeee’s back! Han-Ram is swinging his axe like a young Paul Bunyan, as he returns to his rightful place among the fantasy elite. 5, 1, 6, 0, 8, 6, and 7 are his fantasy point totals for the last week. This is what I expected when drafting Ramirez on every single one of my teams this year. He’s like the coyote in your neighborhood killing all the small animals. When he’s locked in, it’s just so easy for him. Speaking of these coyotes, why have they not been removed? I swear to the fantasy Gods, that if one of those things kills my dog or cat, I will suit up in full military gear, borrow an automatic weapon, get some night vision goggles and camp out until I’ve wiped out the entire county’s population. The devastation it causes the people I’ve seen this happen to has pushed me over the edge and I want vengeance! WHOA!! That must be the bath salts talking.

My only concern here is that Hanley hasn’t stolen a bag in weeks, but how can I complain about that, when I’ve been stuck with this underachiever all season? At this point, we should take what we can get. The trade has seemingly invigorated him and pushed him to a comeback of Mickey Rourke proportions, minus the countless plastic surgeries gone wrong of course. The time of Hanley’s return to greatness is upon us. Witness.

Max Scherzer —  I’ve followed and loved Scherz since his big league debut and instantly became infatuated with his mind-bottling k-rate. I was shocked when Arizona gave up on him and involved him in that 3-way trade with the Yanks that landed them Ian Kennedy. Who trades a young flamethrower with one of the highest k-rates in baseball? It seems I’m a moron and they knew what they were doing in netting Kennedy as he came through with a sub-three ERA and had twenty-one victories a season ago. Oh what’s that? Kennedy blows again? Yea, I was pretty sure that was going to happen. Moral of the story? Scherzer’s a k monster and bath salts make you feel weird.

Scherzer was quite impressive in his last outing dropping 30 points on that azz. Ten K’s in seven innnings? Thanks, may I have another? Here are his point totals in his last nine outings: 20 ,25, 0, 26, 23, 4, 5, 17, 30. So basically he’s been like the opposite of Vance Worley, who by the way has a hideous wife! I’m just kidding. One can dream right? Anyway, Scherz has an ERA of around 4.4 which isn’t great but the upside for huge performances is definitely there.

Matt Moore — As of late, Moore has reminded me of the tale about the Minotaur and the young people of Athens. To make a long story short, Minotaurs ate young humans. I don’t know if it was a size thing or strictly age thing. Like, did Minotaurs eat young humans, even if they were obese or adult sized? Was there a difference in taste of older human meat? We may never know… Either way by now you understand that Moore is the minotaur and the opposing batters have been the small humans.

Moore has been superb in his last six throw downs, putting up point totals of 11, 17, 24, 18, 23, and 21. Not once in those six starts did he give up more than two runs. Outstanding! Outstanding, I say! If anyone has more information on Minotaurs and their eating habits please contact me directly at [email protected]

Let’s get right into the bad for the week so I can go back to reading my fantasy novel and researching mythical creatures. On Nyquil, it feels like you’re really in the story……….

Jarrod Parker Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I’m an idiot. So first, Parker was supposed to be a two-start option last week but instead dropped a whopping 3 points in his only start as his next start was pushed back to this past Tuesday. Imagine my frustration (along with all other Parker owners), considering the only reason he was in my lineup was for the two start week. This made him a two-start pitcher for this week, and I was forced to give him one more shot. What did he reward his faithful owners with? A negative 3 performance and he hasn’t topped 3 points in his last four starts. The time for appreciating his productive past is at an end, sort of like how America is with Tony Danza. Drop with disgust.

Anibal Sanchez For a while now, I’ve been tempted to fly to whatever city Anibal is pitching to  deliver an Ochocinco like head butt to his grill. Like the aforementioned Vance Worley, it’s become quite clear, that there is no end to which these two guys can piss me off. -5, 16, -17, -9 are the point totals from Ani’s last four starts. Three negative performances? A negative 17 could easily cost you a week’s matchup. This underachiever reminds me of Anna Nicole-Smith. Once fascinating and incredibly attractive. Someone that everyone wanted. Then inexplicably marries an 89 year old man, blows up like a hot air balloon, becomes a pill addict, and becomes a national joke. RIP. Maybe money can’t buy happiness. Maybe Sanchez can’t cut it any longer on your fantasy baseball team. No confirmation on if he gets boned by decrepit old men.

Ok, I’m sweating profusely and can barely breathe so I’m signing off. Tune in next week for a City Slickers themed event that you won’t ever forget.

  1. Tub says:

    Do bath salts make you hungry for some old bums face? Feel better, maybe stay away from homeless people

    • Jay

      jaywrong says:

      @Tub, I believe the correct vernacular is ‘smelly hobo’.

  2. D Rich says:

    Hanley is back! To bad I have Anibal and Worley making me a bottom feeder. I want Anibals head

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