Some of you who find this post through Google may be disappointed to know the title does not refer to gay porn or grabbing bats in the non-gay way, but in the vampire way. Sorry, you shouldn’t be trying to grab bats anyway — in the the vampire way. As for the other way, I’ll relay a quick story. I was in the bathroom at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and guess who’s peeing next to me, Randy Johnson. I was so pumped (bad choice of words, but this whole story is ill-advised) I immediately blurted out, “Hey, it’s The Big Unit!” And that’s that story. Okay, so circumstances out of my control made it impossible for me to do a Buy/Sell last week. Well, excuuuuuse me. So this week we’re doing a Buy/Sell for fantasy baseball hitters today, then fantasy baseball pitchers tomorrow. This is when you get excited. I can’t hear you. Okay, better. In just about every league, it’s close to your trading deadline, if not past it. So I’m digging in my heels to try and uncover some gems. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball hitters to Buy and Sell:


Dioner Navarro – Hit two home runs this week. He hit 6 of 8 HRs last year in August and September. If you’ve held him this long, now is not the time to drop him.

Emilio Bonifacio – Last name pronounced: cheep stëlz.

Brandon Moss – A rolling stone gathers no moss… Ordinarily. But what if that rolling stone played fantasy baseball? Don’t think about that too long, it’ll cross your streams. Like Randy and I.

Wladimir Balentien/ Jeff Clement – Neither is worth the virtual paper I’m writing this on, but Vidro’s dumping opens up a DH slot. If you’re in a deep league, react accordingly.

Fernando Tatis – Not sure how many remember this, but Tatis was bonafide back in ’99, slugging 34 HRs. He dropped a bit in ’00 but it was due to injuries, then this kid by the name of Pujols stepped in and suddenly I sound like Vin Scully. Tatis has value if he’s healthy and hitting. Right now, both are true.

Bobby Crosby – I hate him more than you. I do. Try me. Fine, if you have to have your way, you hate him more.  He’s still been hot recently. Just know, caveat craptor.

Chipper Jones – I know, he should be a sell, but hear me out. This DL trip threw a monkey wrench into his owners’ plans and they learned to live without him. It also served as a reminder that Chipper can’t be trusted. So his owners have filled in for him and they’re mighty annoyed with him, so they’re zigging. Now what do you do? Zog? That’s not even a word! You zag! Holy heffin’ hey, pay attention!

Victor Martinez – Also, he could easily be on the Sell list, but I’m digging for diamonds in the rough here. He could go .350 with 5 HRs in the final 6 weeks. It’s not quite butter, but it’s not I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter either.

Casey Blake – Casey’s a girl’s name or an Affleck name, but don’t let that stop you. Blake used to be a favorite of mine in ten team mixed leagues. Ask Rudy. If I didn’t have Blalock or Kotchman, I had Blake.I don’t currently have him in any league, but that’s not to say I wouldn’t.

Alex Gordon – What are you listening to right now? “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? Ah, good song. But Gordon’s been hot recently and he hit well late last year. What, you can’t hear me because you’re still listening to “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? All right, I get it.


David Ortiz – As the Spanish might say, I got Papi issues. On July 18th, I told you to trade away David Ortiz. One thing has changed since then, his wrist now sounds like a Wu-Tang song.

Josh Willingham – Thought he was rounding the corner into Productive Outfieldville. Maybe he lost his Mapquest printout.

Jeff Keppinger – Not sure what happened to Keppinger after the injury, but he’s not even playing up to his nickname, Blanco Polanco.

Albert Pujols – Chillax, I’m not saying to sell him for three stale, powdered donuts and a Hogan’s Family Season 1 DVD. But let’s be clear, he’s hitting about 35 HRs this year. He’s at 23. He’s not going to get much above 100 RBIs or runs. He’s near 70 for both. The last time he hit more than 10 HRs in a month after the All-Star Break was in 2004, with 12 in August. And he’s an injury risk. Is he the best pure batsman in the major leagues? Perhaps, but he’s not currently near the best fantasy baseball player. I sold Pujols for Sizemore in one league. Since the trade, Sizemore 24/10/24/.289/10 — Pujols 27/7/31/.360/4.  And this is after Pujols hit two HRs in the last two games. Cust kayin’.

Randy Winn – Currently hot. So why sell? Next to the definition of schmohawk is Winn rubbing lotion on his ashy knees. He’s got one HR since June. He’s owned in 85% of ESPN leagues. Though I’m assuming 98% of their leagues are abandoned within the first week of the season. So there’s that.

Milton Bradley – You guys had a good run together. Much more valuable than either of you deserved. So what now? Dump and run? He’s only had more than 377 at-bats once in his career. He’s at 306. You got so much value from him, why are you moaning and shizz? What, you want more? Pick up someone else. You want Bradley? Eh, you’re impossible.

  1. Nick says:


  2. Denys says:

    Think I could go Longoria/BJ Ryan for Chipper? …Think I should?

  3. royce! says:

    I’m totally digging having a soundtrack to Razzball: “Wu like the Superfriends!”

    Do you like Dioner over Ianetta? Or should I just stay put and wait for V Mart to come off the DL?

  4. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Nick: Nice, vulture win for Heilman. Sweet.

    @Denys: Longoria’s been hot, and he’s barely off a healthy Chipper. No, I wouldn’t do that.

    @royce!: Pull some out for ODB. I’d hold Iannetta, though I’d love to see Hurdle just play him every day already..

  5. Denys says:

    @Grey: Yeah I had Navarro for that first homer, but dropped him already for the next day (when he hit the 2nd) picking up that Jesus cat on the Nationals. Navarro went unnoticed on the waivers and I went back to him today. Let’s hope you’re right and he heats up for the last month or so.

    On the other side, Flores is leading catchers in RBIs for the past month.

  6. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Denys: Yeah, Flores is a bit under the radar for people. Guess I should throw him a bone at some point. I think Rudy’s got him in a few leagues where he drafted Posada.

  7. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @Grey: I was just thinking, “I need to know what to do.” And voila!* Here it is**!

    And this Buy/Sell was served up with an extra splash of Awesome Sauce. Zog isn’t even a word. Greylicious!

    *Yeah, I said “voila.”

    **If the Phillies offense is supposed to be all shizz and shizz, with 16 different past, current and future MVPs, why can’t they score a single run off Chris Volstad, the NL pitcher with the second funkiest “Vol-blank” name? What the what? Can Cole Hamels buy a win? Are you people trying to kill me? Does this mean I have to start Brad Penny*** off the DL against the Giants tomorrow?

    I think I might have to.

    ***Penny is my secret DL pick-up in every league. I know he always sucks in the second half, but I’m hoping his arm thinks it’s June. Then again, back in April, his arm seemed to think it was August. I can’t follow his arm’s calendar, frankly.

  8. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Baron Von Vulturewins: That Vol-blank name has really gotten hitters off balance, huh? Maybe they’re up there trying to figure out the phonetic spelling for the pitcher’s name and can’t focus. Then after a few months, witness Volquez, someone sends around leaguewide email about the spelling and then they can hit them.

    Penny? Zoinks! No, seriously, good matchup, but zoinks still.

  9. Denys says:

    SONOFABENCH! Kershaw!

    Ha just kidding, I didn’t listen and started him. Wham-o! The kid walked too many, but I’ll take it! 7 Ks! Feel it! … EXCLAMATION POINT!

  10. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Denys: You guys have on your funny boots today. He’s just too unpredictable for my taste, ergo the reason why I told you to bench him anyway. But good call on not listening.

  11. Denys says:

    @Grey: If ratios were close this week I might’ve not listened, but I was up 2.65 to 5.53 on ERA, and 1.00 to 1.41 WHIP – yet down 16 to 20 on Ks. So I took the risk, figuring even if the kid gets roughed up 5 Ks were a possibility.

    Worked out well enough. But if the ratios were a bit closer I probably wouldn’t have.

  12. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @Denys: Just dropped Cueto Kaelin and picked up Kershaw.

    Why drop Cueto? Because I realized there were only about three teams I felt good about starting him against, and two of them are in AAA. After a promising belch of quality, he reverted back to his familiar 5 7 5 5 3 6 ways. And I don’t like those ways.

    Welcome, Clayton. Join the rookie-nookie orgy!

  13. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Baron Von Vulturewins: Probably overdue move. Rookie nookie for pitchers worries me a lot more than for hitters. Do be careful.

  14. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @Baron Von Vulturewins: Two more thoughts, while I’m sitting here doing nothing.

    1) Young phenom pitchers seem to have a moment, several starts into their careers, when they stop trying to over pitch and paint the corners and throw all three strikes at once, and instead realize, Oh, wait, I’m awesome and no one can hit me. Kershaw may have had that moment recently.

    2) I am glad that Uggla sucks. I want him to keep sucking. Sorry Uggla owners. But I passed him up back in May, and it’s heartening to know I’d be stuck with a voracious suckhole at 2B right now, despite the 15 or so homers in between.

    That is all.

  15. BigFatHippo says:


    Great, I just dealt Chipper and you tell me to buy.
    You hate on Chipper all year and now you love him, what’s a guy gotta do Grey, have a swordfight with you in the MGM Grand john?

    Anyway, he accepted the Chipper for Halliday deal and I’m happy. We’ve been working on my team for a month and a week and it’s now stacked.

    I’ll post in the forums how it all went down.

  16. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @BigFatHippo: That’s a good trade for you. Nothing wrong with zigging when everyone else zigs.

    Though now that you own him, you have to start calling him Halladay. So I can stop thinking you’re talking about some home-run hitting, shutout-throwing, lab-bred monster hybrid of Roy Halladay and Matt Holliday.

  17. BigFatHippo says:


    Oh yeah

    Dioner or Ianetta? You didn’t answer Royce and I need to know too.

  18. BigFatHippo says:

    @Baron Von Vulturewins:


    Didn’t I mention? Chipper for Halladay and Holliday baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Just kidding, but that would have been awesome.

    Grey should have left the edit button.

  19. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BigFatHippo: I said that was a good trade for you. It’s all within reason as to who is a buy or sell. Halladay is about as solid as top starters get outside of Johan and Peavy. And he’s currently pitching better than both.

    @BigFatHippo: I answered — “I’d hold Iannetta, though I’d love to see Hurdle just play him every day already.”

    I.e. Iannetta. But they’re pretty close.

  20. BigFatHippo says:


    Sorry, didn’t see that. Just got home from work and was skimming. I didn’t have time get back to you about the HallAday trade but I’m pleased.

    When I get time I’ll put in the forums how we worked the trades to get here. It started on June 23 with the Harang trade, you’ll be pleased.

    I know you can’t follow everybody’s team unless you have a pornographic memory or something. Wait, that’s just me.

  21. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @Grey: What do you think of:

    Give: Hamels, Rios
    Get: Vlad, one of Greinke/Garza, Scherzer

    He needs steals. I (still) need HRs. I like Vlad’s chances, in a race, in front of Tex.

    He also has Hart and Bay. Like any of those two better than Vlad, with emphasis on dingers?

  22. Steve says:

    Razzballers – if you had to start one closer today, who would you pick –

    Mike G @ DBacks
    Joel Z @ ChiSox

    Also, which HR-hitting K-merchant would you rather have – Pena or Davis? I have Pena, but Davis has just hit the wire. Don’t have room for both.

  23. SaltyBiscuits says:

    @Steve: I’d go with Zumaya. On the road, The Braves are worse than an old blind Asian woman.

    Then, I would go Pena. Why? Because I have family in Tampa and I don’t really trust anyone named Chris. (read: I think it is a toss up, go with Pena and hope the pennant race inspires his bat).

    I need to drop one of the following two “closers”: Which of the following will gather the least saves going forward?


    I could also drop Wainwright… hmmm…

  24. Grey

    Grey says:

    @BigFatHippo: Cool, I’ll look in the forums in a second.

    @Baron Von Vulturewins: I like Vlad as well. Seems like he’s about to go off. If you have solid support at “arm” to replace Hamels, then it’s a potentially good move. But I think you should get someone who’s a bit more likely to donk ten home runs in the next three games. Soriano?

    @Steve: Zumaya — Pena

  25. SaltyBiscuits says:

    If you had to have one of these outfielders from this point of the season on, who do you want? Fukudome, Chris B. Young or Hunter Pence.

  26. Grey

    Grey says:

    @SaltyBiscuits: Krispie has most upside and downside aka riskiest, Pence is the boringest. I’d go Krispie.

  27. Steve says:

    Calling all MR.Bs – who ya like – Arredondo or Devine?

  28. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Arredondo

    BTW, this Bonifacio guy is quiz-ick.

  29. Steve says:

    @Grey: And not injured/never hits like Bourn (you know what I mean). Would you drop Bourn for Good-Face? It’s a bench spot…

  30. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Definitely, this guy stole 2nd by about five feet and he was so fast, he almost slid right past the base. He’s like 10 for 20 in the last five games and he’s on the Nats. They dropped Felipe Lopez and Bonifacio is their 2nd baseman now. Do it!

  31. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @Grey: Who do you like better going forward, Greinke or Garza?

    p.s. I tried for Soriano. No dice. It didn’t help that he decided to start hitting two home runs every at-bat. That kind of thing tends to cement an owner’s affections.

  32. Steve says:

    @Grey: I’m doin’ it. BTW I see Bourn is actually playing today.

  33. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    Give: Hamels/Pence/Guardado
    Get: Markakis

    I like this better than the Vlad trade, since I get to keep Rios. This is basically Hamels for Markakis, since Pence and Guardado are chaff to me.

    It’s on the table to if you hate it, please chime in now.

  34. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @Grey: As you know, it’s hard to get some people to trade a bat for an arm. And I got too many guys like Pence sitting on my bench doing not much of nothing–oh, look, he just donked. Maybe that will sway the other guy.

  35. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Baron Von Vulturewins: Yeah, I understand your need for artificial sweetening. Just trying to be cautious for you.

  36. royce! says:

    @Grey: How about dropping Howie Kendrick for Bonifacio? He is also riding my bench- picked him up as a FA to be insurance against a Brian Roberts late summer slide.

  37. Grey

    Grey says:

    @royce!: Make it happen.

  38. BigFatHippo says:


    My team vs. His team now posted in the forums. Check it out.

    I can coast the rest of the way, no?

  39. Steve says:

    Hanrahan looked like a closer today.


  40. Steve says:

    But Zumaya doesn’t – he’s on on the 7th. What’s up with that?

  41. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Leyland is sauced?

  42. cruisinkc says:

    From Rotoworld today:
    Manager Jim Leyland said Wednesday that he’d like Joel Zumaya to pitch in an instructional league this winter.
    “From what I’ve seen, and I know this sounds goofy, but if things don’t change, I’m going to recommend that he goes to the instructional league and pitch,” Leyland said. “He needs to get his curveball back with some consistency. I know that sounds crazy, but I think it’s a legitimate point because it’s not going to happen on my watch that I got Joel Zumaya hurt being greedy. I’m not going to do it. I want to get his arm strength back to where he can rebound. This guy is a potential closer, but you can’t be a closer if you can’t rebound.” Leyland is probably right, but it’s an odd pronouncement one day after saying that Zumaya was taking over as the Tigers’ close

    I’d have to agree that this is weird thing to say the day after you proclaim him your closer…

  43. Baron Von Vulturewins says:

    @Grey: How do you feel about Burrell for the rest of the season? Is it worth swapping Pence/Guardado for him instead of Markakis, thus keeping Hamels clutched to my bosom?

    Our league is all bunched up in wins, and I’m worried that Cain, Baker et al aren’t going to deliver the victories like Cole might.

  44. BSA says:

    I wish I was sauced.

  45. Grey

    Grey says:

    @cruisinkc: He is obviously sauced.

    @Baron Von Vulturewins: I like Burrell a lot. In that park, in that lineup, he just needs to avoid one of those month long slumps. Could get you your 12 HRs you so desperately crave.

  46. Steve says:

    @Grey: Never unhappy with a Hold, as it were. But now watch the benched Mike G get a save…

    Don’t feel sonavabenched, though. That would be churlish (world of the day?) Thanks to Hanrahan, Broxton, Kuo, Downs and Zumaya I have 3 Saves and 3 Holds today with a 0.00 ERA and a 1.00 WHIP.

  47. Steve says:

    Churlish would be WORD of the day, obviously.

  48. Grey

    Grey says:

    @Steve: Thought maybe they had different worlds down there in NZ.

  49. Steve says:

    @Grey: I’m in my own little world if that’s what you mean.

  50. JR says:

    Rank these pitchers for effectiveness over the next 2-5 weeks (I’m in a league with playoffs. I know, I know… But I need who will be hot at the right time):

    Wakefield, Filthy Sanchez, Gio, Francis, Wandy, C. Perez, Scherzer

    I need to drop 2 over the next two weeks because I have Maine and Wood coming off the DL. (I include the closer and the swingman because it’s a points league. I know, I know…)

  51. Grey

    Grey says:

    @JR: I’m going to the new post with the answer.

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