The Giants went out and traded for the 32-year-old Evan Longoria, who has rapidly been declining for years.  Please, keep that in mind while I run down their lineup.  Hitting leadoff…Steven Duggar?  Is that the Christian with 52 kids who is cheating on his wife with his butler or some shizz?  Maybe, it’s definitely not Christian Arroyo, he was traded.  Hitting 2nd…Joe Panik?  We’re only two guys in, but Panik, indeed.  Then will come their newly-minted three-hole hitter, Longoria, followed by the 14-homer, don’t-touch-his-pretty-boy-face, Buster Posey.  Please never let me see another one of those commercials with Posey in it.  Please.  Next up!  A guy whose hits are described as “belting one” because his last name is Belt, and for no other reason.  It is completely and unequivocally not because he hits the ball hard.  Followed by…Is it a bird?  Is it a plane?  Is it my 72-year-old aunt trying to throw a baseball?  No, it’s The Gangly Manbird, Hunter Pence.  Next up, some combination of Brandon Crawford, Jarrett Parker and let’s hope Madison Bumgarner knocks in a runner otherwise they’re going to lose 95 games.  As my intern, let’s call him, Lalph Rifshitz would say, that’s primo, bud.  As for Longoria, he should feel at home with the Giants since he is used to being in places that collect old people.  On the bright side, Longoria plays a lot, staying on the field.  On the dim side, you kinda wish he’d take more days off.  For 2018, I’ll give Longoria the projections of 86/22/94/.271/2 in 608 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball:

Nick Hundley – Re-signed with the Giants.  Where will they ever fit him in that stacked lineup?!

Denard Span – Went the other way in the Longoria trade.  All respect to Denard Span breaking his neck to make sure his employers don’t sign Ben Revere on his checks, but why are the Rays playing Span over Mallex?  Seriously, put ten hand-on-chin emojis here and really consider that pregunta, because I’m straight puzzled like an ostrich trying to do a sudoku.  If you have a good reason for Span over Mallex, please send to me, P.O. Box: “You really think I’m giving you my address.”  Care of: “This Shizz Is Never Reaching Me Because I’m Not Giving You My Address.”  My Denard Span projections are 76/9/40/.274/13 in 523 ABs.

Yonder Alonso – Signed with the Indians.  There’s career years, then there’s what Alonso just had.  He had all the years of his career jammed into one year.  If Alonso hit 28 home runs last year because it was a walk year, after regularly hitting 5-7 homers a year, I have a great question:  why didn’t he do this any other year?  If we’re to believe it’s a contract year thing, then we have to believe he was sandbagging for ten years, only to turn it on last year.  That strains under the weight of incredulity.  For 2018, I’ll give Yonder the projections of 60/20/66/.263/2 in 428 ABs.

Matt Adams – Signed with the Nats to platoon and backup Zimmerman.  Adams should’ve signed in Japan.  Not to play baseball, but grow back the gut and sumo it up.  “Sumo it up” is a technical sumo phrase that means “grabbing a fat man’s thong and throwing him.”  For 2018, I’ll give Adams the projections of 41/16/48/.266 in 341 ABs.

Zach Britton – Ruptured his Achilles, and will be out for six months.  Quick, who do I grab?!  That was me impersonating you if this news dropped after your draft.  Y’all a bunch of scramblers!  Speaking of which, scrambled should be spelled different every time it’s written.  “Would you like some clamberds eggs?”  See?  Makes perfect sense.  And now I’ve fixed the English language!  So, with Britton out for half a Gregorian calendar — Grego, so to speak — Brad Brach will be his replacement, barring the O’s going out and getting someone, which, honestly, interjection, I doubt they do.

Jhoulys Chacin – Signed with the Brewers.  That should be great for the opening series in San Diego, and then terrible for the entire rest of the season.  Serious question, do major league teams not have data like home/away splits to look at?  For 2018, I’ll give Chacin projections of 9-11/4.51/1.41/143 in 172 IP.

Mitch Moreland – Re-signed with the Red Sox.  I loved Moreland last preseason like our forefathers like taking more land, but it didn’t work out for either of us.  Truth with a hashtag or just truth?  I’ll let you decide.  Moreland suffered a broken toe in June, and he said that bothered his knee for the rest of the season.  Does he have feet on his knees like Tim Conway playing Dorf?  I suppose so.  Either way, if he couldn’t succeed last year in Fenway with the Red Sox, I’ve lost hope for him.  My Moreland 2018 projections are 48/20/58/.240 in 431 ABs.

  1. Bbboston says:
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    My Moreland predixtion:
    Moreland and JBJ to White Sox for Abreu + ?

    • Terribad Trade Guy says:
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      @Bbboston: What on earth leads you to believe that Dombo has the negotiating ability to hose a team that badly?

      Since this has no grounds in reality whatsoever, why not just say Abreu and….Moncada?

      Jeez, Boston fans might be the worst at making up trade scenarios.

      • Bbboston says:
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        @Terribad Trade Guy: lighten up Spaulding ……

        As an actual Yankee fan and transplanted New Yorker who believes in a “dollar and a dream” ?, I’ll leave it to true Bostonites to respond on your gross generalization of bosox fans.

        That said, have a great Holliday season!

        • chris says:
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          @Bbboston: the problem is that i don’t think you can trade a FA the year after you sign them (not to mention a week after doing it).

    • Bbboston says:
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      @Bbboston: tilson

    • Bill says:
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      @Bbboston: Nice!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Bbboston: That would be nice for the Sox… See what I did there?

      • HawtSauce says:
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        @Grey: WHICH SOX!!! IT’s driving me crazy.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I gotta keep you on your toes…like Sox!

      • Bbboston says:
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        @Grey: lmao

    • BBBoston says:
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      @Bbboston:

      To give more definition to this idea, annoy TTG and give Grey Toe Jamb:

      JBJ and Moreland to Chisox

      Abreau 1B (From Chisox);
      Mookie RF/CF;
      JD Martinez RF/DH (acquired in FA);
      Tillson 4Th outfielder/CF (From Chisox).

      Ramirez traded or DH;

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        Did this trade just happen?

        • Bbboston says:
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          @Grey:
          No… just my hypothetical way for Bosox to catch up with Yankees

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            Oh, we’ll let’s make it happen!

  2. Bbboston says:
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    Grey:

    Which side of this trade do you like better?
    Hicks ($2) + Brach ($5) for Rosario ($10)

    • BBBoston says:
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      @Bbboston: On a related note, I can’t help but think Hicks should be considered for the Yanks leadoff spot (with Gardner moving down to the lower part of BO, given his OBP and switch hitting capability. Thoughts?

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        @BBBoston: Yeah, he should be considered for it, but Gardner didn’t do anything to lose it last year, maybe Boone will want to put his own stamp on the team and it happens…

    • JeF WiTh 1 F says:
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      @Bbboston: Hicks side

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Bbboston: Meh, I’d likely go Rosario, but it’s fair

  3. Mike says:
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    Think I’d have went “no Longoria a dim Ray”, although you did get dim in there.

    Also for $4mm why wldnt an American League team grab Adams?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Mike: I know on Adams, it’s such a cheap easy move for a team like the Jays… I think the Jays might be purposely tanking…

  4. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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    Alonso changed his launch angle and went buck wild baby!

    As for Moreland it is what it is, I’m just glad they didn’t make the Hosmer mistake.

    • Jose says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz:

      I posted this in your Cleveland article, but i guess it was too late.

      Ralph: I just seen for the first time the next Gabriel Arias, this kid is a year older and played in the DSL, his name Sherten Apostel, he plays 3B and can rake. You probably know more about him than me, tell me all you can about him, please.
      Here is a sample: https://streamable.com/jx6y6

    • Jose says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz:

      I posted this in your Cleveland article, but i guess it was too late.

      Ralph: I just seen for the first time the next Gabriel Arias, this kid is a year older and played in the DSL, his name Sherten Apostel, he plays 3B and can rake. You probably know more about him than me, tell me all you can about him, please.
      Here is a sample: https://streamable.com/jx6y6

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz: Hey, new podcast partner… Why change the launch angle during contract year? Feels suspicious…

  5. Willy Mo says:
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    Man for someone whos not that old longoria really fell off. Baseball is a young mans game without roids… which is why nobody is getting paid big bucks. Who the hell wants jay bruce for multiple years? Nobody.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @Willy Mo: Agreed, Bruce will be a terrible contract almost as soon as he signs it

      • HawtSauce says:
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        @Grey: Well as a Giants fan I can assure you that it will be Bobby Evans…Why have one crappy aging contract when you can have 2…uh or wait 3 no 4 I lost count. Are we still paying Aubrey Huff?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Haha, Aubrey Huff would hit better than Pence right now if he returned to baseball…

  6. knucks says:
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    Rando question for the Razz community.

    I’m usually a Yahoo guy, but played in ESPN for the first time last year. Noticing that you can’t really look into league members much in ESPN? We have a few new guys in this league and I wanted to creep (don’t judge me) and see what kind of owners they are (number of yearly leagues, year started playing, etc)… doesn’t seem like ESPN offers that like Yahoo does? Or am I just not looking in the right places?

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @knucks: Past history of a player? Don’t think ESPN does that

  7. Scott Kimmel says:
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    Grey,

    I will get Gennett. I am torn between these two hitters. Which one should I put a bid in on?

    Brett Gardner
    Carlos Gonzalez (formerly of Colorado)

  8. InferiorHippo says:
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    Hey Grey,

    In a 10 team dynasty league (keep 15 players a year), who wins this trade:

    Marcell Ozuna and Marwin Gonzalez for Lindor and Taillon

    Obviously not giving you a lot of details, but is it close?

    Also, just overall thoughts on Taillon

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      @InferiorHippo: Why such a complex Hippo? You’re not inferior to anyone!

      Lindor side, but very close… Depends how much you trust Marwin, really…

      I like Taillon, but he’s going through special circumstances that are hard to predict…

      • InferiorHippo says:
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        @Grey: I’m just a Hippo who is misunderstood.

        What about take out Taillon and insert Desmond. Where does that tip the scales. I personally hate Desmond but Coors is Coors

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Then that’s not inferior!

          I like Desmond a bit more, and have him a bit in front of Marwin in rankings right now, but they’re close… Lindor’s in front of Ozuna…

          • InferiorHippo says:
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            @Grey: I’m honestly surprised to hear Lindor’s in front of Ozuna, but I love it.

            Thanks Grey!

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              No problem

  9. HawtSauce says:
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    Why would you trade Arroyo for Longoria? Arroyo was projected to hit .260 10 hr 40 rbi in 289 AB. Over a full season that is right around 20 hr 80 RBI and a .60 average as a 22 year old. I mean that isn’t much different than Longoria yeah? But like $13 million cheaper…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Yeah, that’s the real puzzling thing

    • chris says:
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      @HawtSauce: i’ve heard that some people in the Giants FO didn’t believe that Arroyo would be anything more than a replacement-level bat.

  10. J-FOH says:
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    I recently was advising someone via DM on Vince Velsaquez and they went back and read your post from last pre-season. Inside that post was my gem of an idea…Little Brother. The show about sticking a bunch of these Tiny House loving fools into a tiny house and seeing who can last the longest and the winner gets the trailer…I mean house

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Was that your idea or mine? That is brilliant, we should do this just to do the casting…

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Grey: I would love to do casting. I have an untapped gift. This un-named commenter and I brain stormed another one. Littler House on the Prairie: A show about tiny people in a tiny house living the farm life (of course they would be urban dwellers sent to a farm)

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          You know what I’m realizing? Everything remade tiny works. There should be a tiny network!

          • Jack Deth says:
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            @Grey: the little network. We can have law and order: LPC (little people crimes), Little Rehab with Dr Drew, and the new sitcom my two little dads

            • Grey

              Grey says:
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              You are so good with programming for the tiny! How about tiny shark week?

              • J-FOH says:
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                @Grey: Im just good with programing. Ive seen UHF like a hundred times

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
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                  Haha, I just heard you say that and imagined you in a job interview for programmer at a TV station. “I’ve seen UHF like a hundred times. So, am I hired?”

                  • J-FOH says:
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                    @Grey: wheel of fish!

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Haha, yes!

                    • J-FOH says:
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                      today we teach prospects to fly

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Can they be tiny too?

                    • J-FOH says:
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                      lots of latin players would be considered small by american standards

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
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                      Haha, could have a cooking show with all tiny ingredients… Baby Corn Chef!

  11. flye says:
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    I had Longoria on my roster and often swapped him with Gyorko, who has the same stats but is a few years younger.

    “Gyorko trade begins Giants ‘reset’” doesn’t seem like a headline I would see in the SF paper, yet…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Ha, San Fran hasn’t had a real Gyorko since Bonds…

  12. jack florida says:
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    happy holidays to you and your family.

    any movies you are recommending now? you have never steered me wrong on your movie recommendations, same as with your fantasy recommendations.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Thanks, Jack! Happy holidays to you too!

      Movies wise, we’ve loved Call Me By Your Name, Lady Bird, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, Shape of Water, The Disaster Artist, and Mudbound… In that order…

      • jack florida says:
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        @Grey: thanks, i will get to them in the near future

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          No problem

  13. Duda Want to Build a Snowman? says:
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    Have you been watching that Jean Claude Van Damme Amazon series (Jean Claude Van Johnson)? It’s pretty hilarious and has some incredible JCVD classic movie callbacks throughout.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’ve never seen any JCVD movie, but I saw the trailer for his TV show and it did actually look funny… You should watch Patriot, it’s great.

      • Duda Want to Build a Snowman? says:
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        @Grey: Will add it to the list! You definitely don’t need to know JCVD movies to enjoy, as long as you get what JCVD is generally about (i.e., lots of acrobatic kicking and crotch-punches, no guns). The references sprinkled in are fun but not essential.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Yeah, I think I have the general JCVD gist…

  14. Chris says:
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    Bogaerts expectations? I have an offer for him and Ronald Acuna for S Marte. Dynasty.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I’d want Acuna… Baby like Acuna…

  15. Scott Kimmel says:
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    Grey,

    I got outbid for Gardner. These are my choices now:

    Thames
    Mauer
    Han-ram
    Pujols
    ZObrist

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Thames

  16. Scott Kimmel says:
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    Grey,

    I made a trade and wanted to ask you if I gave up too much.

    I give up: Manuel Margot, DJ LeMatheiu, and Chase Anderson
    I get Jon Lester and Marcell Ozuna

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Looks great for you

      • Scott Kimmel says:
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        did i not give up enough?

  17. Scott Kimmel says:
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    Grey,

    What is fair asking price to acquire Gerritt Cole since he is getting traded to the Yankees.

  18. J-Dawg says:
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    Dorf on Golf!! Must have watched that a hundred times at least back in the day.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Haha

Comments are closed.