The Giants went out and traded for the 32-year-old Evan Longoria, who has rapidly been declining for years. Please, keep that in mind while I run down their lineup. Hitting leadoff…Steven Duggar? Is that the Christian with 52 kids who is cheating on his wife with his butler or some shizz? Maybe, it’s definitely not Christian Arroyo, he was traded. Hitting 2nd…Joe Panik? We’re only two guys in, but Panik, indeed. Then will come their newly-minted three-hole hitter, Longoria, followed by the 14-homer, don’t-touch-his-pretty-boy-face, Buster Posey. Please never let me see another one of those commercials with Posey in it. Please. Next up! A guy whose hits are described as “belting one” because his last name is Belt, and for no other reason. It is completely and unequivocally not because he hits the ball hard. Followed by…Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it my 72-year-old aunt trying to throw a baseball? No, it’s The Gangly Manbird, Hunter Pence. Next up, some combination of Brandon Crawford, Jarrett Parker and let’s hope Madison Bumgarner knocks in a runner otherwise they’re going to lose 95 games. As my intern, let’s call him, Lalph Rifshitz would say, that’s primo, bud. As for Longoria, he should feel at home with the Giants since he is used to being in places that collect old people. On the bright side, Longoria plays a lot, staying on the field. On the dim side, you kinda wish he’d take more days off. For 2018, I’ll give Longoria the projections of 86/22/94/.271/2 in 608 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball:
Denard Span – Went the other way in the Longoria trade. All respect to Denard Span breaking his neck to make sure his employers don’t sign Ben Revere on his checks, but why are the Rays playing Span over Mallex? Seriously, put ten hand-on-chin emojis here and really consider that pregunta, because I’m straight puzzled like an ostrich trying to do a sudoku. If you have a good reason for Span over Mallex, please send to me, P.O. Box: “You really think I’m giving you my address.” Care of: “This Shizz Is Never Reaching Me Because I’m Not Giving You My Address.” My Denard Span projections are 76/9/40/.274/13 in 523 ABs.
Yonder Alonso – Signed with the Indians. There’s career years, then there’s what Alonso just had. He had all the years of his career jammed into one year. If Alonso hit 28 home runs last year because it was a walk year, after regularly hitting 5-7 homers a year, I have a great question: why didn’t he do this any other year? If we’re to believe it’s a contract year thing, then we have to believe he was sandbagging for ten years, only to turn it on last year. That strains under the weight of incredulity. For 2018, I’ll give Yonder the projections of 60/20/66/.263/2 in 428 ABs.
Matt Adams – Signed with the Nats to platoon and backup Zimmerman. Adams should’ve signed in Japan. Not to play baseball, but grow back the gut and sumo it up. “Sumo it up” is a technical sumo phrase that means “grabbing a fat man’s thong and throwing him.” For 2018, I’ll give Adams the projections of 41/16/48/.266 in 341 ABs.
Zach Britton – Ruptured his Achilles, and will be out for six months. Quick, who do I grab?! That was me impersonating you if this news dropped after your draft. Y’all a bunch of scramblers! Speaking of which, scrambled should be spelled different every time it’s written. “Would you like some clamberds eggs?” See? Makes perfect sense. And now I’ve fixed the English language! So, with Britton out for half a Gregorian calendar — Grego, so to speak — Brad Brach will be his replacement, barring the O’s going out and getting someone, which, honestly, interjection, I doubt they do.
Jhoulys Chacin – Signed with the Brewers. That should be great for the opening series in San Diego, and then terrible for the entire rest of the season. Serious question, do major league teams not have data like home/away splits to look at? For 2018, I’ll give Chacin projections of 9-11/4.51/1.41/143 in 172 IP.
Mitch Moreland – Re-signed with the Red Sox. I loved Moreland last preseason like our forefathers like taking more land, but it didn’t work out for either of us. Truth with a hashtag or just truth? I’ll let you decide. Moreland suffered a broken toe in June, and he said that bothered his knee for the rest of the season. Does he have feet on his knees like Tim Conway playing Dorf? I suppose so. Either way, if he couldn’t succeed last year in Fenway with the Red Sox, I’ve lost hope for him. My Moreland 2018 projections are 48/20/58/.240 in 431 ABs.