This was a yearly tradition until I didn’t do it last year, so I’ve decided to bring it back and make it a semi-annual tradition. Semi-annual traditions are better anyway. They’re not as stuffy as annual traditions, being run by a timetable and whatnot. They come and go as they please. ESPN Fantasy Baseball is the number one result in Google when you search fantasy baseball. Yay, for them. But what are people searching Google for when they find Razzball? Since it’s a holiday, I decided to break away from the normal schedule of 2015 fantasy baseball rookies and look at exactly what people do search Google for when they find us. These are all queries straight from our analytics. Last year, we had our biggest year. Over 15 million people found us. (I think about 14.9 million found us with the search query “What is SAGNOF?” Neverthehoo…) That’s a big Happy Thanksgiving to you from all of us here at Razzball. On a side note, I was hospitalized the last two nights with a kidney stone. Why has no comic book hero ever faced a 4-foot tall villain named Kidney Stone? A millimeter-sized one is incapacitating, forget a dwarf-sized one. As I lay in the hospital, I thought about what a lousy way to spend Thanksgiving. Then Cougs posted in the comments the other day what was happening with me, and I realized this wasn’t a bad way to spend Thanksgiving. This was spending it with some of those that I am most grateful for. You. Oh my God, go to the hospital for two days and suddenly you sound reborn into a sap. I’m fine, out of the hospital now, but I might be a bit touch and go until Monday. Anyway, here are 20 actual Google searches for people who found Razzball and my answers to their Google searches:
1. Is Hunter Pence an ostrich? – No, he’s a Gangly Manbird from the species ganglion homosapien aviary. Though, Gangly Manbird (there is no change in the plural spelling) and ostriches share 99.99% of DNA. The .01 difference allows Pence to grow an afro without getting a perm.
2. Is Jake Smolinski married? – Since with modern technology I’m able to search IP addresses for all search terms and I’m Facebook friends with Edward Snowden, I just wanted to say I know that Jake Smolinski’s girlfriend was the one who searched this. Suzy, if I may, please talk to Jake rather than searching about his martial status online. The key to any relationship is trust and not relying on what you find in Google about future partners. At least that’s the answer I got from Dear Abby when I searched about dating a married man. Good luck!
3. What does Manny Machado write in the dirt? – In 2003, when Manny was eleven years old, his math teacher said to him, “I want you to write on the board five million times, ‘I will not forget a number two pencil.'” Of course, he doesn’t have time to write on a board anymore, so he made a deal with said teacher to continue his punishment in the dirt between pitches.
4. What does Peavy’s baseball glove say? – “Do you think I’m too tan?”
5. Where can I get a funny fantasy baseball team name? — You can try our fantasy baseball team name generator or just go with an obscure, overweight player plus “Ate My Baby.” For instance, Rich Garces Ate My Baby.
6. Why did Lou Gehrig call me the luckiest man on earth? – Okay, this is tough one, but I don’t want to shy away from tough questions. What I think happened here is there was a man named Lou Gearig, and he heard Lou Gehrig say, “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth.” So, naturally, Lou Gearig was like, “Who is this Lou Gehrig guy and why does he think I’m lucky?” What he should’ve Googled was, “Are all Lou Gehrigs, no matter the spelling, lucky?” Then he’d find his answer. That answer is yes.
7. All apologies, but what else should I be? – More forgiving, perhaps. Tolerant of other races. Skinnier. A chair for your dog. I could go on, let’s start there.
8. What is a Compton curse? – Honkey.
9. What does Jedd Gyorko do with his mouth? – That’s easy, he sucks!
10. Sorry doesn’t walk the dog? – Nor does Sorry butter the biscuit. Sorry’s a real lazy pain in the you know what!
11. Why does Sergio Romo lick his fingers? – Because he bleeds BBQ sauce.
12. You got Rick Schroder rolled! — You just did again.
13. Mom next door from Alcides with 36 Double D? – The Napolis moved next door to Alcides? This is actually news to me. You’re learning me something!
14. Is Joe Nathan Jewish? – No, because then he’d be Joe Hebrew National.
16. Is Wong the new right? – This sounds like a deep philosophic question, which I love. I love, love, love when people think deeply on Razzball. I’m gonna say Wong is the new right, and two Wongs make a more right.
17. What is donkeycorn in Arabic? – Since I’m not sure how many of you can read Arabic, phonetically it is: heehawgobble.
18. Can you do whatever with Coco Crisp? – You can, but you should ask him first.
19. Does Dan Uggla wear woman’s shirts? – Yes, and at one point he grew out his hair, and people kept thinking he was Greta Van Susteren.
20. How does Grey keep his mustache so full? – That I can’t share with you. Now go spend time with your family! Happy Thanksgiving!