“Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.”
With that being said, it’s officially go time! Time to make that valiant push into the playoffs, time for me, Tehol Beddict, to assist you however possible in turning your dreams into reality. There’s no time to waste so let’s swan dive right into this thang. This is, Disgrace/Delight!
Note: Are you brave enough to battle not just my fantasy football wit, but my fantasy football loins… powered by the Elder Gods? Take me on in our fantasy football RCL’s for special prizes!
Players Who Delighted This Week:
Carlos Santana– Dipset Call Santana!! I sit here in awe of Carlos tha God’s .288/.412/.567 batting line with 16 home runs in his last 59 games, as he was left for dead, dissed and forgotten, thought his luck ran out, hoped he was gone, stiff and rotten. Sorry friends, Cleveland is Santana’s town, and the boy is going harder than Ron Jeremy off two dozen oysters and pack of yellow jackets. If you happen to be one of the unfortunate mortals who dropped him, it must burn like 1000 scorching suns. If you either bought low or picked this catcher-eligible wonder off waivers, it must feel like busting a nut and dropping a Van Damme roundhouse in your arch enemy’s face all at the same damn time. The man is hot, ya’ll.
Josh Harrison– Is it odd to anyone else that this 5’8″ spark plug is obliterating any and all statistics he’s put up in his three stints with the big league club? The eight jacks surpasses his previous three season total, COMBINED. And have you seen this broski on the base paths?? Dude is slicker than Lisa Ann’s brown eye after being filled with an entire bottle of baby oil. One wonders what kind of pact Harrison made with the Elder Gods, for he’s beginning to remind me of Mike Trout. Drug test me if you want because of that last statement, but all I’ll test positive for is Cristal and caviar.
J.P. Arencibia– Awwww, an old Beddict favorite; I’ve adored J-Peeeezy since he came up with the Blue Jays briefly back in 2010. I’d certainly love to return to that year in the Hot Tub Time Machine and get him hitting lessons from Barry Bonds and Pete Rose, for we’d be conversing about one of the best hitting catchers in major league history… but that may be going a tad far, but this dude’s power is all the way real .Unfortunately, Arencibia’s career average sits at .210 to go along with this season’s .187 (he’s definitley not murdering anything), so he’ll be luckier than Justin Bieber was ducking Legolos’s punch, just to stick in the bigs for a couple more seasons. Still though, my man is hotter than wasabi on a herpes infested gatito, batting .320 with 3 yack jobs in the last week, so insert him into your lineup, pop yo collar, and smile about it.
Matt Kemp– Matty “Long Dong” has absolutely pulverized opposing pitchers over the past seven days to the tune of a .530 batting average and 3 round trippers. I thought Kemp wanted to be traded? This is certainly not the behavior one displays when hoping to be moved before the deadline, for the Dodgers would look more foolish than Christian Slater trying to gain entrance to the Academy Awards by dumping Kemp now.
Corey Kluber– Klubes should be arrested for sodomy based on what he did to my Mariners Wednesday night. A complete game, 3 hitter with 0 walks on a minuscule EIGHTY FIVE PITCHES??!! I was unaware it was humanly possible to accomplish such a grande huevo’d (speaking a lot of spanish today) feat. Kluberliscious’s ERA now sits at a sparkling 2.61 and should easily surpass 200 strikeouts on the season. Kudos to you if you drafted him.
Josh Reddick– Don’t hibernate on J-Redd, cuz this man has been known to rake, and lately he’s been doing just that, hitting .385 with 2 bombs over the past week. He’s batting in a stacked lineup and blasted 32 long balls in 2012. He may be returning to us like Jesus, when the whole fantasy world needs him. He certainly has the beard. We may be witnessing a return almost as powerful Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recent big screen triumphs after he led California to epic prosperity…….Oh wait, Ah-nold’s movies have blown hippopotamus D. Bad analogy. [Jay’s Note: Sabotage was underrated in my opinion.]
Marcus Stroman– I’ve written about him recently but the continued dominance is on par with that of a young Nasir Jones as Stro-dog is getting Illmatic on the competition. REPRESENT young brotha, REPRESENT!!!
Non MLB Delight:
Razzball’s 32 in 32 in 32– I’m sure you all know about this exciting opportunity already but it’s my civic duty to humbly request your presence at one or more of the 32 Razzball TELEVISED draft parties. If you like incredible prizes, astoundingly beautiful women, fine brew and fantasy football, this is the party for you! I, Tehol Beddict, will be kicking off the celebration in Seattle on August 4th (along with the Guru, Sky, and Nick), so if you live anywhere in the vicinity I suggest you show up. You draft a fantasy football team, and it’s gone in a year (not including dynasty obviously). You take a picture with Beddict and frame it on your mantlepiece… that my friends, lasts a lifetime. Guru and myself may even hit the strip club with you afterwards. Capozzi might be able to join, but not until he’s written in his own blood that I’ll be receiving weekly guest spots on the show from here on out, or he’ll be locked in my basement. It puts the lotion on the skin. DO NOT MISS THIS!!!
Players Who Disgraced Themselves This Week:
Madison Bumgarner– This is for my girl Diamond Lilly, who despises everything Bumgarner represents, especially his irregularly enormous thighs. Bum Bum obviously hasn’t been that horrific over the course of the season but be honest with yourselves; You were expecting much better than a 3.41 ERA and 1.23 WHIP and you certainly weren’t expecting him to get bent over like Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction this week for 5 earned in 4 innings pitched.
Jesse Chavez– Wow, my boy J.C. fell off like a bad bag of dope. I suppose we all knew it was a matter of time but Chavez owners are going crazy and shaving their heads like Britney Spears back in the day. Save yourself the stress and drop this future middle reliever as he has thrown only 1 quality start in his past 6 appearances.
Kendrys Morales– The supposed savior for the Mariners lineup has dropped more duds than Luke Perry post 90210, and that’s saying something! With 1 hit in his last 22 at bats it’s safe to say Morales is purposely sabotaging the M’s offense for he never wanted to be back here in the first place. If only we had Marlon Byrd or dare I say, Domonic Brown, we could be a true contender. K-Mor is no better than the rest of the useless frauds in this pathetically inept lineup and I for one, hope they release him outright as each at bat looks more peon like than the last. #DISGRACE!
Shelby Miller– It must have hurt Shelby deeply when Michael Wacha surpassed him as the future ace of the franchise. Getting clowned by Wacha flocka flame is one thing, but when Joe Kelly is making you hand wash his jock straps, well that’s a whole new level of disgracefulness. I’m sick of waiting for Miller to come around and it’s obvious the Cardinals have missed their best chance to flip him for anything of value. I’m assuming none of you own him at this point but if that’s not the case, do so now or my boy J-Foh will give put you in a Boston crab. You don’t want that, trust your friend, Beddict. Dude is like a mix of Jim “the Anvil” Neidhart and Razor Ramone.
Thank you for joining me for another session of Disgrace/Delight. I enjoyed myself per usual and I hope you did the same. I very much look forward to meeting some of you in person on this Razzball journey as it could lead to some very interesting evenings. Yes, I’m speaking to Diamond and Fantasy football hottie out in Tennessee. Feel free to leave questions and commentary below as well as tweeting me directly at @Tehol143. Have a fab weekend, my friends.