Aroldis Chapman — A-rold! — defected yesterday. I defect every morning after I eat my bran cereal. No, random italicized voice, defected. As in, he gave the Cuban national team the old switcheroo. He snuck out of a Rotterdam hotel where the team was staying this week. The coach said he checked on him and saw him sleeping. What he actually saw was a mannequin shifting in bed from a wire attached to the bedroom door that was strung over a closet door with a trophy attached. For his escape, Aroldis wishes to thank Ferris Bueller. So why do you care? He’s the best lefty in the world and he can throw 100 MPH. Keepers, clean your ears, cause there’s a new Strasburg in town. Though no one’s sure what town that is. Deep keepers should keep an eye out for when he’s added. Probably a year away, but it depends on the team that signs him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alexei Ramirez – Sticking with the Cuban theme, good news for Alexei as his finger’s X-rays revealed no fracture. He should return soon. Not soon enough in a league where I’m rocking Everth Cabrera. Steal, son. You’re fast.
Kevin Correia – He made me sob yesterday. Big, mucousy running into my ‘stache tears. Wasn’t pretty, kinda like Correia’s start yesterday. Five innings and six earned runs. Belch! Even more disappointing is the Walks — 3 of them. One walk to Wandy. Correia!!! Okay, Correia wasn’t terrific, obviously. But he should’ve got out of the first inning without any damage done. Maybe one run there. The homer to Geoff Blum was unforgivable. But let’s not forget — this was his worst start of the year after 16 of them. Also, it tied for the most walks he had given up all year. Hopefully he remembers he’s a usable 5th starter. I pardon you, Correia.
Joey Votto – 4-for-6, 1 RBI, 15-for-38 since he’s returned. Member last month when I sat behind you at your computer and kept buzzing you with an electrical current every time you wanted to trade him? Yeah, I just got my electric bill.
Jeff Baker – Traded to the Cubs for Al Alburquerque. Al Alburquerque? Was he named during that game where you bounce the ball? Hi, my name is Al. I live in Albuquerque. I like apples. If Baker gets a full-time job, he’ll be worth a spot at MI for his pop. He may get an extended look immediately for the injured Miles. Though I’d take a wait and see approach, except in NL-Only leagues.
Mark Reynolds – Number 22 for Mini-Donkey. Get on the donkey, donkey…Mini-donkey!
Doug Davis – 7 IP, 1 ER. Has a 3.15 ERA and is 3-8. Is there a Diamondback rule that they only score for Brandon Webb? It’s like 2004 redux for Davis when he went 12-12 with a 3.39 ERA.
Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks. Last year when you owned Harang, it was like he put a sweaty glass down on your Reggie Jackson rookie card while he made a sex tape with your ex-wife. This year he’s paying for your kids’ private school education. Cha-ching!
Chad Qualls – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Might still be dealing with forearm issues. Or he’s dealing with being sucky in the suckhole. Either way, it’s not good.
Rafael Soriano – Save yesterday. I know no one cares about Rafael Soriano, but I’ve had him on one team all year so allow me to talk about him for un momento. Doode is smoking with nitrous. 1.19 ERA, .88 WHIP, 49 Ks in 37 2/3 IP and 7 saves. Are you kidding me?! Grey hearts Soriano. (Somewhere Ryan Franklin says, “What’s a guy got to do to get some love ’round here?)
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks. I have two problems with Happsterdam. 1) His home park and 2) He’s a rookie. It worries me. You do what you do.
Russell Branyan – HR yesterday. Lately, he’s seemed more like the Branyan we’re used to as he goes one-for-four with a homer here and there. Well, you shouldn’t have expected a .300+ average from him anyway.
CC Sabathia – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Bad year for ace pitchers. Peavy, Webb, Hamels, CC, Johan… Maybe Cueto, Wandy, Edwin Jackson, and Greinke are the new breed. (You like how I snuck the 30-year-old Wandy in there, huh?)
Mark Buehrle – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER. 3.09 ERA on the year. I always end up with this guy on at least one team, but, alas, not this year.
Derrek Lee – 2 HRs, 7 RBIs. Your Buddy Lee was almost the title for today’s roundup. But I decided against it cause Lee bores me. Is he back? I don’t think he ever went anywhere. He just stopped stealing bases. He can hit 4-6 homers/month and bat .300. So you’re looking at a 75/25/85/.300 hitter. Decent, but short of exciting.
Bobby Abreu – 2 HRs as he finally recovered from the 2005 Home Run Derby. Abreu’s good for another 10 homers the rest of the way. Don’t expect more.
Garrett Jones – HR yesterday. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. You can hardly wait! Yes, you can. No? How about yes? Ah, I thought so. Persuasion ain’t just a Jane Austen novel!
Mets – Turns out they were staying at the same hotel in Pittsburgh as a Furries convention. It’s fitting because the Mets have been screwing the pooch.
Fernando Tatis – 3-for-4, 4 Runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. Last night, his Mom must’ve been a praying Tatis.
