Welcome to the year end Razzball awards. I’m your host, Grey Albright and I’m joined by Random Italicized Voice, Hey. Also, on the red carpet for everyone’s arrival we have, MR. AL CAPS, “HOW ARE YOU?” And up in the balcony critiquing everyone’s outfits we have Clunky Segue, “As you were…” Before the show even begins, we have a very special musical guest, The Spin Doctors! Live from opening for Phish! Not playing on stage with them, but literally opening doors for them. Anyway, here’s the 2012 Razzball Year End Awards:
Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – The easy choice here would be Mike Trout, and I’m not one for making things hard. Mike Trout, do you accept this award in honor of all the men and women who have serviced themselves thinking of you? Great!
Fantasy AL Cy Young – This was a tough call for the Razzball panel that votes. See, cause the panel is made of a hundred monkeys wearing organ grinder outfits and when I showed them a picture of David Price, they scratched their ass. Wait, that is the BBWAA. I’m picking these awards on my own. Yeah, Price wins.
Fantasy NL Cy Young – This is a toss up between R.A. Dickey and Gio Gonzalez. As I have all year, I’m gonna pass over Dickey and toss Gio’s salad. Table side. A Casear salad. What? Why’s everyone moving towards their mouse to scroll down? I thought we were cool.
Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – As much as I’d like to give Hosmer this award, I’m going to give it to my preseason MVP choice, Evan Longoria, because he hurt me soul with his injuries and didn’t set the world afire even when taking the field, except for the last game of the season. We all know from everyone that missed out on Ellsbury’s 2011 that we’re gonna miss Longoria’s spectacular 2013, then draft him in 2014 and get screwed again. Yay. Either way, Longoria was a top 12 draft pick and was around 450th overall on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. Not cool, Longo, not cool at all.
Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – The NL Razz Razzballie goes to a three-way tie with Troy Tulowitzki, Justin Upton and Tim Lincecum. I’LL VOTE. Go ahead, Al Caps. I HOPE LINCECUM GETS HIT BY A TRUCK. That’s pretty harsh, Al. IT SOUNDS HARSHER BECAUSE IT’S IN CAPS. There you have it, Lincecum wins the NL LV Award. Now a few hours after I eat a bowl of corn, I’ll mail him the award.
Fantasy POS – Here’s a new award for the guy who gave me the absolute worst ulcer and… It’s a two-way tie! Ryan Zimmerman and Mat Latos. I’m gonna go ahead and let both of them share this award. If you don’t want to win the award for the biggest POS in the future, don’t suck for three months and then suddenly turn it on. Just flat-out suck, or show signs in the first three months.
Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Oh my God, Tyler Colvin is hitting! Hmm… Now I don’t think he is. Wait! He is! Well, maybe he isn’t. No, he definitely is! Yes! No! He’s in Coors this week and not hitting! He’s on the road this week and hitting! Let me ask Grey!
Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – You, “I don’t care if Wilin Rosario gets 28 homers, I just want to drop him.” Me, “Just hold him.” You, “Okay… Well, what if Lucroy is available?”
Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – “Really, Norichika Aoki? That’s who I’m supposed to pick up? Hmm… What about Wilin Rosario? I just dropped him.”
Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – The entire A’s staff minus Blackley. “The Stream-o-Nator says I should grab Milone, but I have Parker, Griffin, Straily and Anderson on my DL. Hmm… Am I secretly an A’s fan? I do like green and gold and have been known to Bernie Lean after a few drinks…”
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Edwin Encarnacion. By mid-May, everything Edwin gave you was icing and now you’re diabetic from Edwin’s season.
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Lance Lynn. “I have a 2-something ERA from Lance Lynn and Grey’s telling me to drop him? Yeah, we’ll see how well that works out for others– Gah! That’s a swift kick in my man jewels!”
Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Mark Trumbo. Sure, his last stretch was far from pleasant, but when a guy gives you 30 homers in four and a half months, you’ll take a Septumbler. Jason Kipnis was the runner-up for this award due to a 9.3 from the Russian judge.
Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – “It’s June 1st and someone just offered me Huston Street and Chris Carpenter, who’s due back in a few weeks, for Ryan Zimmerman… I have to take this, right?”
Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – “I understand he’s playing slightly over his head in April, but I have no first baseman and someone just offered me Bryan LaHair for EverCab, Mat Latos and Alex Rios. I’m flying into LaHair!”
Player Who Pulled A Kotchman – Brett Gardner. “He’s only going to be out for a weekend series…Make that a 15-day DL stint…Well, he had a setback but he’s due back in June…Okay, he might be ready for the playoffs. The Yankee playoffs, not your H2H playoffs.”
Biggest Waste Of A Razzball Glossary Term – Krispie Young – Last year, Jobacum received this award, so there’s hope for a bounce back and there’s also hope Krispie just bounces on a trampoline wrong and we don’t even have to think about him next year.
Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Tim Lincecum. Even High Times doesn’t want to be associated with him and withdrew their invite for him to judge the Cannabis Cup for fear that it could send the marijuana movement back to the 80’s when Nancy Reagan and her astrologer ruled and phrases like “gateway drug” and “this is your brain on drugs” were popular. Don’t worry, my generation made drugs acceptable in the 90’s and now kids are eating bath salts.