All Your Bruces Belong To Us
How dare you. How dare you make me write a Buy for Jay Bruce. Did you forget all our pre-draft love? It’s less than two weeks into the season. People need to chillax. Here’s what Jay Bruce had to say to all his naysayers. Jay Bruce could hit 7 homers in April. Still. Before he goes streaking, go to Marshall’s and buy him some pants. You owe him that. Bruce is one of those guys that I wish would slump for another two weeks, so I can trade for him even cheaper. I will Mola Ram the Bruce right out of your team’s chest. Then I will grab a fart and Nolan Ryan it right into your skull Robin Ventura-style. As I cackle. I will cackle loudly. Hold Bruce, covet Bruce. Don’t give up on Bruce. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we jump into the players, I need to make an announcement. Our very own Rudy Gamble is getting married in a few weeks. Sorry our three lady readers, the fro’s off the market. So this weekend we’re in Vegas for his bachelor party and I’m his best man. Yes, I got him a blow up doll to carry and a uber-realistic vulva skullcap to wear all weekend. But that means I won’t be as close to a computer to answer comments until Sunday. You guys need to help each other. I know you can. Make me proud. Anyway II, here’s the post:
BUY
Jose Guillen – His last three Aprils –> 199 ABs –> 25/7/25/.211. –> Belch. This April his burps smell like he just chugged some rose water. I don’t think in October we’re going to have conversations about whether we can give Guillen an MVP even though the Royals lost a 100 games, but 30 HRs and a .280 average aren’t out of the question. Also known as, what you were hoping to get from Ludwick.
Jeff Francoeur – He’s only 26, he’s taking walks and Frenchy’s hitting freedom flies.
Krispie Young – Also 26 years old, also taking walks (okay, only 2 as of this writing) and hitting Krispie flies.
Magglio Ordonez – Getting hits like he just dropped his debut album, Maggystyle. She want the Maggy with the biggest cuts, and guess what? He is Mags, and Mags is him. Alas, I’m fully expecting him to start sucking soon. Could’ve easily been in the Sell section, but really who’s buying this schmohawk. Make a record of his label, “Own While Hitting.”
Josh Willingham – Went over him in last week’s Buy/Sell. All Buy/Sells are located on the left sidebar. No, your other left.
Seth Smith – Doesn’t his name seem like it should be the name for an unknown corpse? Coincidentally, that’s how well he’s hitting too. He’s worth a chance in deep leagues while he has every day time.
Scott Podsednik – It’s like this Buy post just hopped out of the hot tub time machine. Who’s next, Kevin Gregg? Aw, geez…
Kevin Gregg – Here’s the thing with closers and, frankly, I’d write this on my forehead. If guys are getting saves, you should own them. In two months, if Gregg has 15 saves and still rocking a solid ERA, you can trade him for a much bigger piece than you’re getting off of waivers. Wow, guess that’s a lot to write on your forehead. How about you just write “SAGNOF!”
Fernando Rodney – Member what I wrote back in the Gregg blurb? It still applies.
Jim Johnson – Same shizz, different blurb.
Jensen Lewis – A familiar pattern has emerged and here comes a filial pattern.
Ty Wigginton – Hey, it’s Casey McGehee Sr.
Casey McGehee – What’s up, Dad?!
Ryan Theriot – It’s me, your cousin. Ryan. Ryan Theriot. The one with speed. Oh, well.
Alcides Escobar – People really need to give this guy a bit more time. The steals can come in a hurry.
Carl Pavano – I’d like to say he’s crizzap just as much as you, but his walk rate has me ignoring my past prejudices. Is he the rebirth of slick? Nah, Doodlebug. But sometimes stability’s cool like dat.
Justin Masterson – Already went over him numerous times in the last few days. You’re following along. I don’t need to say anything else, right?
Justin Duchscherer – Total Bennis Carpensheeter. His career numbers over 439 2/3 innings are a 3.15 ERA and 1.12 WHIP. Why’s he owned in only 4.2% of ESPN leagues? Your guess = My guess.
Brad Penny – Duncan just pulled a Penny from behind your ear. Abracadabra, snitches!
C.J. Wilson – Ceej has always sported a nice K-rate. Not crazy about Texas pitchers, but I’d give him a shot in the right matchups. (Yes, I called him Ceej. Yes, that’s lame.)
Ricky Romero – I really hate AL East pitchers not named… Well, you know the ones I like. Here’s what happens, you don’t start Romero vs. the Sawx and he pitches well. Then he faces the Orioles and they manage to hit him. Then he throws against the Yankees and you second guess benching him and he gets hit again. Before you know it you’re writing mission statements, getting fired, flipping out, taking a goldfish and a single mom to start your own business. Only you’re not half as handsome as Tom Cruise, don’t know the first thing about business and the single mom has an ex with a neck tattoo who likes to booze with breakfast.
SELL
Scott Sizemore – This isn’t a sell as much as a time to move on. It was a nice try for some *pinkie to mouth* upsize. But it’s not working. Let him figure out how to hit major league pitching on someone else’s dime. If he starts hitting at some point, he’ll be out there for your grabby hands.
Sean Rodriguez – He needs to play every day and actually hit to warrant ownership. I’ve lost him in numerous leagues. To warn you though, I will be the first to say grab him if he does start hitting. For now, go with a hot hitting MI.
Fausto Carmona – Name the movie: “I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof. What’s with you man? C’mon!” Using Google is officially cheating.
Chris Carpenter – I know, blasphemy! Everyone loves Carpenter. He’s a grinder. He is blue collar. I am, Carpenter. Rawr! Get away from me documentary filmmakers, I’m eating dolphin babies. I am, Carpenter. Yeah, it’s all terrific. He has a pretty lengthy track record of solid pitching. His injury track record is as lengthy. I say there’s a 50% chance of a breakdown this year. His strikeouts are just okay. I’m not saying sell him for an expired Capri Sun coupon, but I’d listen to offers.
