Fantasy Baseball Advice

Here at Razzball we don’t believe in protesting a fantasy baseball trade, but we do fully support passive-aggressive, sarcastic belittling.  So if someone in your league passed a trade that makes you wish they passed a kidney stone, you’re in luck!  Here’s a Mad Libs-type tirade to post in league’s messageboard because when met with pettiness, retaliate with more pettiness.  Simply copy the below and fill in the appropriate words.  You may use this post to antagonize your closest friends, enemies or frenemies with the express written consent of Razzball.com.  Also, feel free to post your version in the comments.

To Those That Passed That (adjective) Trade,

Hi, (Name) here.  Just wanted to state my thoughts on the trade of (Player(s) Traded Away) for (Player(s) Received).  I contemplated vetoing the trade.  Instead, I decided to voice my disagreement on this messageboard.  Though I do question the two trade partners’ ability to read something that isn’t scribbled in crayons.  On the bright side, the two (plural derogatory name) who were involved in the trade can use this post to practice their reading comprehension.  It’s not too late for that GED!

Since no one has the courtesy to respond to my trade offers, I figured you were too busy (verb) in your Mommy’s basement while eating hard candies like an addict freebases (drug).  Alas, I overestimated both of you.  You managed to put your collective (low number) IQs together and lower the integrity of the league like you have to lower your standards to date (plural farm animal).

So, doucetards, I have an idea.  How about the next time you two (plural derogatory name) get together you figure out the best way to do nothing with your (adjective) lives?  I hear Subway might have an opening to spin a sign on the street corner.  Then again, for that to work you probably have to know the meaning of clockwise.

The Guy Who Is Going To Beat Both Of You Like Your Step-Daddy Should Have,

(Name)

P.S. Anyone need a closer?

Aaron Harang is not a bad pitcher. Actually, he hasn’t even been bad this year. (Okay, he hasn’t been good either.) If I may turn my hat crooked, Harang just had some straight-up bad luck, yo. You want numbers? How about these? His BABIP .335, that’s bad luck. His K/9 is around 8. That’s very solid. Three year ERA, 3.77. He’s at 4.33. So that should come down. He’s a workhorse, so that’s a lot of IP with good numbers. Going forward, Harang should have good numbers across the board minus wins; those I can’t guarantee. But chasing wins is a losing man’s game. (Hey, that was a pretty clever turn of a phrase. If I had an internet page of quotes like Oscar Wilde or Mitch Hedberg, that would be 17th. 16th would be, “Can I get an Amen, Sherman Hemsley?” and 18th would be “Dance With Me here, Orleans.” But I digress.) So what do you do with this Harang-a-tang of info? You go trade for him, that’s what you do. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball players to buy or sell:

BUY

Robinson Cano – On my gravestone it will say, “I told you I was ill” and my legacy will be pimping Cano for two months straight.

Jo-Jo Reyes – Someone mentioned in the comments yesterday that they haven’t heard anything about him. Reyes has really gone under the radar for me. I only mentioned to pick him up here, here, here, here, here. The first mention was a day after his first start of ‘08. If you guys (and possibly one or two girls, but highly doubtful) want, change your fantasy baseball password to what I use, “GreyIsFortified” and I’ll do your drops and adds.

Chase Headley – Kouzmanoff has done a lot of nothing since last year. Now he’s supposedly suffering from a sore back.

Jeff Francis – Very serviceable coming into this year until he was completely derailed in his quest to match Snell in a game of onedownmanship. His next game is against the Royals. If he pitches well, he’ll be a hot add. You’ve been warned. Or as they say in knitting circles, you’ve been yarned.

Jeff Baker – Rudy liked him coming into the year, then he fell out of favor (Baker, not Rudy). Rudy’s adding him all over the place again.

Kory Casto – On most days, he’s starting in place of Wily Mo Pena; I like Casto in NL-Only leagues. But remember, “Person who dance with Nats is easily bored.”

Jeff Keppinger – I wait with bated breath to start him in a NL-Only league. (BTW, it is bated, not baited. Check yo’self, fool.) Keppy’s about a week away from coming back.

Mike Aviles – Seems like people are falling over themselves to add this dude. I can understand it. As I’ve said many times before, when you’re dealing with MI, CI, UT or fifth starters, you want to take a gamble. There’s no point in fielding a boring, safe guy. (That’s not to say there’s no point in fielding a productive, safe guy. There is a difference. Figuring out the difference was my minor at The Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.)

Eric Byrnes – Nope, I don’t like him, but I feel like no one likes him at this point. If everyone’s zigging, why aren’t you zagging? Would be worth seeing how cheaply you can grab Byrnes. I’d think you can get him for next to nothing and he could prove a valuable fifth outfielder in the 2nd half of the year.

Josh Willingham – It says he’s owned in 93% of all ESPN leagues. Now I’m assuming 99% of ESPN leagues are drafted in March then the owners never look at their team again. If this is not the case and people have been holding onto Willingham and wasting a lineup spot all of this time, you are going to make me blow a blood vessel. Now everyone who dropped Willingham, you can go get him again.

SELL

Jake Peavy – I love Peavy, but as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’m selling. Call me conservative, but I can’t wrap my mind around pitchers with recent arm troubles.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – See Headley, Chase or about three and two-thirds of an inch above.

Hiroki Kuroda – He wasn’t that bad when he was in there, but now he has shoulder tendinitis. Punt.

J.D. Drew – With my hands in my pockets, I stood next to J.D. Drew as he talked to Manny. I waited for an introduction. They laughed about Youkilis’s party out on The Cape. Apparently, Manny read from his journal of poems that he wrote while in left field. They laughed and I punched Drew in the mouth.

Joe Saunders – I think he’s already been on a Sell List. Hmm… Well, here he is again, because he’s keeping up this unsustainable start!

Aaron Cook – Full disclosure, I’ve had him in a mixed ten team league for two months and have reaped a lot of his benefits. I know he’s not really this good; everyone knows this. This isn’t a “sell” as much as a “be glad for what you got and be ready to drop.”

Joe Nathan – I could’ve put Mariano Rivera here instead of Taipei Slinklo or any other top closer. (I could’ve even put Beanie McDougalston, but that’s a made up name.) Because at the end of the year, when everything’s said and done, do you ever look in the mirror and say, “I am so glad I had Taipei Slinklo. And damn my hair looks good,” or do you say, “I’m glad I traded Joe Nathan for Harang. And damn my hair looks good?” You tell me. Tell me!

We get a lot of comments from fantasy baseball team owners venting their frustration when a trade of theirs is vetoed. So we decided to give our a loyal readers a Mad Libs-type tirade to post on their league’s messageboard. As we like to say, when met with pettiness, attack with more pettiness. Simply copy the below wherever you need it and fill in the appropriate words. You may use this post to antagonize your closest friends, enemies or frenemies with the express written consent of Razzball.com. Also, feel free to post your version in the comments. You’re welcome.

To Those That Vetoed My Trade,

Hi, (Name) here. Just wanted to state my thoughts on the trade veto of (Player(s) Trading Away) for (Player(s) Getting). I contemplated not addressing the veto. I figured asking the league to read something that wasn’t written in crayon would be (adverb) impossible. But if nothing else, some of you could you use this post to practice your reading comprehension. It’s not too late for that GED!

Contrary to your (adjective) claims about the unfairness of the trade, I did not collude with the other manager. We were simply trying to do what was best for our respective teams. I was surprised the trade was vetoed. I didn’t think most of you would have time for that with your busy schedules of collecting a complete (noun) set and (verb) your sister. Only a (number)-year-old guy who lives in his Mommy’s basement and eats hard candy like an addict freebases (drug) would have the time to worry about whether a fantasy baseball trade was fair. Alas, I overestimated all of you.

Well, doucetards, I got an idea. How about you (plural derogatory name) get together and trade war secrets about the best way to do nothing with your (adjective) lives? You know, discuss the quickest excuse to get your Mommy to wash your (noun). For example, “Subway has an opening to spin a sign on the street corner, but I need a (noun) that doesn’t have (an ice cream topping) smeared all over it.” Or you (plural derogatory name) can discuss what’s the best way to shove a (vegetable) up your (body part).

Lastly, if any of (plural derogatory name) respond in a critical way, I’d imagine you will sit there refreshing your browser waiting for my reply, so I’ll save you the time and respond right now, “Even without the trade, I will still beat you so bad you will finally know what it’s like to lose your virginity.”

The (expletive adjective) Guy Who (expletive verb) Your Mother Harder Than George Bush (expletive verb) This Country,

(Name)

P.S. Here’s hoping you and your sister spawn a/an (animal) that has (number) eyes and a cleft palette.

After ten or so years, Rudy and I managed to agree on a trade. Melky Cabrera for Zach Greinke in a ten team mixed league. A fair enough trade in my estimation, but I still waited a day before pulling the trigger. Why? First some backstory (in case you weren’t sufficiently bored at work reading about a trade of Melky and Greinke), Rudy and I are best of friends, and, as any good friends should be, we’re hated fantasy baseball rivals. I’d rather lose a girlfriend to Tom Arnold than lose a league to Rudy. Once we step inside the imaginary world of fantasy baseball, I like him about as much as The Iron Sheik likes B. Brian Blair. (As with all Iron Sheik links, that is NSFW.)

Are all my leaguemates hated rivals? Nah, some are innocuous. The guy in last place who is starting Howie Kendrick for two weeks while he’s on the DL is no competition — innocuous. Some are annoying. The guy in first who streams starts and keeps coming up aces — annoying. Some are harmful. The guy in first that trades Kotchman for Prince Fielder — harmful. But to be a hated rival, you have to be a worthy competitor who is close enough to you that you can hear about how you screwed up a trade for the rest of your life. So I abstained from trades with Rudy for… well, ever.

So why trade now? Needs and it’s a trade that I don’t think could conceivably bite me in the ass too bad. I mean, I’m only giving up Melky. I like him this year, but I don’t see him suddenly becoming a top twenty offensive force. I think he could be a cheap 15/15/.285 player. On my team, Bill Hall will fill in for Melky, so it’s a downgrade, but not terrible. Most importantly, I needed starters. Right now I’m starting Jair Jurrjens with my last pitching spot. Now before Jair’s minions come out of the webwork, I obviously like Jurrjens, as well. But he’s risky moving forward in a ten team league. With the addition of Greinke, I’m not going to drop Jair, but I think I might have to at some point because he’s unproven at this level. Do I think Zach Grienke is headed for 20 wins and a nothing ERA? Nah, probably not. I’m just hoping he doesn’t take the mound in his next start wearing a rainbow wig, holding a sandwich board that has a psalm written on it in silver highlighter. If he does, I’m sure I’ll hear about it for the rest of my life.

RUDY’S TAKE

This was the equivalent of the Yankees trading with the Sawx. I don’t even like the thought of us trading – it’s like the episodes of Tom & Jerry when they were friends. But when I got offered M. Cabrera for a Royals pitcher, how could I say no? Oh, it’s Melky not Miguel….goddamnit. Larry King is right on about Cabreras…

Even with Melky, this trade works. My pitching staff in this league is STACKED. I had 12 undroppable pitchers – Peavy, Harang, Vazquez, Wainwright, Cueto, Greinke, Rivera, F-Cordero, Capps, Street, B-Wilson, Betancourt – meaning I had no bench slots for hitters. I lucked out over the first couple weeks as Kelly Johnson and Matt Kemp both had great days at times I may have benched them.

I figured Greinke and Cueto are lowest men on the totem pole and that the Zach Attack had more trade value. A swap for Johnny Damon with another leaguemate was declined. I figured Melky was better than nothing – I already got him on two expert league teams anyway. He can start for me until Bourn gets back on track and then I’ll probably rotate him in and out. My pitching staff doesn’t need Greinke – the only category I don’t have a 10 in is Wins which is his worst category anyway (after Saves of course).

Despite the unclean feeling that comes with trading w/ my bitter rival Grey, I think this is a win-win trade even if Greinke goes bat shit again….