After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns. Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.” *crickets* Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.” Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day. In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time. Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury. They’re the same. Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis. Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.” Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.” If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s. Or it’s dur on you. You want dur on you? No, you want no dur. Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth. I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that. Dur. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns. Don’t matter to me. You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo.
Alex Gordon – I swear to your deity of choice that if Gordon fails again this year I’m UPS’ing him a flaming turd.
Kila Ka’aihue – I’d take Ka’aihue before Gordon. Thanks for asking, Random Razzball Commenter.
Brett Wallace – Have you seen the Astros lineup? If Wallace does anything to impress, he could be hitting third by May.
Brandon Belt – I just wrote my Brandon Belt fantasy yesterday. I wrote it in pink highlighter on my Trapper Keeper and had an anteater transcribe it. The lengths I go to for you!
Edwin Encarnacion – 25 homers and a poor average are a lock if he just stays healthy. It’s not quite butter without the ER in AL-Only leagues. In mixed leagues, you might prefer a flying elbow.
Brandon Beachy – I will now attempt to write a Beachy blurb without a pun. He’s the fifth starter on the Braves with solid upside, but not without piers– gah! Okay, trying again. I do love Beachy; he’s a total playa– dah! All right, last chance. Beachy is fly like a G6 because they’re both jetty. Sorry, that was terrible.
Andrew Cashner – Worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues for now, but with all of his BBs you might wanna shoot your eye out.
Charlie Morton – Rudy was scatting around town, jazzed about grabbing this guy in one of our NL-Only leagues. Here’s what Rudy said, “There are two types of crappy pitchers: 1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff. At least with the second type, they might figure it out. Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.” And that’s me quoting Rudy!
Carlos Gomez – He’s dazzling in his lack of baseball skills. Not sure how many people remember this SAGNOF schmohawk from the early Naughts but you know who Gomez reminds me of? Alex Sanchez. Yeah, the gooftard who would hit one homer a year and got caught doing PEDs. For some reason, I’ve been seeing a lot of other SAGNOF guys on teams (countless teams with Tabata) but no Gomez. He’s cheap steals and could surprise with a few homers. There’s value in that.
Ryan Doumit – While Chris Snyder is on the DL, no reason why you can’t throw Doumit a bone.* *Mandatory one catcher per Buy/Sell requirement filled.
Jose Contreras – Okay, now for the SAGNOF portion of our program, which is brought to you by Purina Dog Chow. It’s pitchy, dog! The AARP Man of the Year looks to be the favorite in Philly. I think it’s going to be closer to a timeshare with Madson than that.
Ryan Madson – See 1/8th of an inch above.
Sergio Romo – In some leagues, I wouldn’t go crazy adding Romo. Doode can design the shizz out of jeans but Wilson should be back by the middle of next week.
Sean Burnett – Is there a more unexciting name? He needs a nickname, like Stymie. Stymie Burnett should get the majority of the saves early on, but I’d think Storen works his way into the majority by May.
Brian Fuentes – Here’s a guy I’d add all over the place. I trust Andrew Bailey getting/staying healthy about as much as I trust flyers left on my apartment building front door. What happened, you ask? So, I come home around 3AM, drunk and there’s a sign posted on my apartment building front door about a party in apartment #14. I’m like, “Party!” So I run up to #14, throw open the door and there’s four guys standing there naked in a circle. Yup. I did the ‘ol slow backwards walk while saying, “Wrong apartment.”
Mat Latos – Ground rules for the Sells. Some of these guys are droppable, some are tradeable and some are just overrated and trades should be explored. Latos is tradeable. Here’s you drafting him, “Grey thinks he knows better than me… HA! I will show that mustachioed man a thing or two about a thing or two– No, Mom, I’m not talking to myself! Shut my door!” Latos is going to break down this year. It’s I to the nevitable. The writing is all over the wall. He already has a shoulder strain in the spring. He’s going to magically get better by throwing 200 innings? Sorry, doode, you don’t even need Angela Lansbury, you’re brainwashing yourself.
Jair Jurrjens – Hey, it’s a Razzball favorite in opposite world. He’s a 4+ ERA pitcher with a bleh strikeout rate and he’s injury-prone. Sounds terrific in opposite world. Maybe when you’re done parking your Lamborghini in opposite world and making love to Jessica Alba (or George Clooney for our three girl readers — I didn’t forget about you, ladies!), you lose Jar-Jar.