Trouble ahead, Casey Jones, if you think Matt Cain is ’08 Lincecum. I went over why this doode was faux-Cain two weeks go when I broke down FIP. Now everyone is saying to sell high on him. And by everyone, I mean ESPN. Two weeks late, guys. Went there already. Oh, and I’m not going to link to them, because, as Berry said, that’s what they want. Well, I want Berry to say I told him not to draft Nolasco and then he went and said Nolasco was in store for a great year. When Berry says, I told him so. I’ll link to them. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah! Cain! So you got your lugwrench out and you’re trying to figure out how to make Cain able again. The discrepancy between where Cain is now and where he should be is scary like Carol Channing without makeup. Why? Blah blah blah Lower K rate, very high strand rate… yadda yadda yadda… I went over it two weeks ago. Open that FIP link. And, yes, I touted the beejesus out of Cain in the preseason and I own him on a few teams. And, yes, I’d actually feel better if his ERA was just in the low fours like it should be. Don’t overrate his current ERA. You know that. So everyone’s zigging as they try to sell Cain, what do you do? Zag? Do you have the alligator blood to buy him for cheap? Maybe. It’s hard to sell a guy when their player news is calling for a regression. It’s like running headlong into projectile vomit. Then again, someone will drop some Liquid Paper on his stats any day now. Now for the good news, his last time out he dropped his FIP from 4.85 to a more manageable 4.36. One more strong start and who knows maybe he can actually be a 4.00 pitcher. He’s not, I repeat, not a 2.40 ERA pitcher right now, but as long as you keep that in mind, you should be all right. So sell him if you can get a decent deal, or buy him, but know what you’re getting. Right now, people want to sell him so bad, you may actually get a decent deal for him. He’s not terrible, just not quite what he’s been showing. (BTW, CBS was touting Mark Reynolds as a buy this week. I told you to buy him in March. ESPN told you to sell Cain and Jurrjens this week. I told you that two weeks ago. If I didn’t write this shizz, I’d be reading it too. Hey, wait a minute, my ‘stache looks weird with my bigger head.) Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell for this week in fantasy baseball:
J.P. Izzywheelfourson – Not sure if people are already done with the Rays and their bullpen shituation, but I’d hold for another week or two because whoever emerges will have value. For full disclosure, I’m currently holding Wheeler on some teams. No one else.
Jeff Clement – Honestly, I don’t know if he’s going to get called up with Johjima on the DL with a broken thumbkin, but if Clement gets the call, he’ll be worth a spot in mixed leagues for the catching deprived. Right now, I’d own him in AL-Only leagues. Recognize!
Jake Fox – Went over picking up Jake Fox yesterday. Cliff Notes version: The use of the phrase, “…like Tyra Banks would say, he can (hit) fiercely,” was an allusion to the reality show, America’s Next Top Model, where Tyra Banks, a former top model and terrible TV host, critiques aspiring models with the noted fashion photographer, Nigel Barker. When an aspiring model performs well in a challenge, she’s said to be “fierce.” So Grey is saying Jake Fox can hit well.
Fernando Martinez – As we continue our rookie nookie portion of our program, Martinez may only be up for a week or two. I think he’s way too raw at this point in 12 team mixed leagues, so I haven’t grabbed him anywhere, but ya never know.
Tommy Hanson – Has to be up very soon. Medlen’s been garbage. We need Coach Leak to get the crowd started, “Let him play… Let him play…”
Luke Scott – He might only hit five homers in June, but they’ll probably come in the next week.
Alcides Escobar – Someone said something in the comments the other day that was funny, “If Web Gems is a category, this guy would be a 1st rounder.” Or something like that, I’m paraphrasing and I don’t even know who said it and I didn’t feel like searching… Anyhoo, the Brewers put Escobar at 2nd base the day after Weeks went down. Curious? Yeah, they’re going to call him up. Escobar probably won’t give you much offensively this year, except for steals. SAGNOF!
J.A. Happ – Pickin’ up the Happy dugout! What, no Ice Cube fans? For shame. Happ’s in a crizzappy park, but he gets the Nats and Padres in Petco next.
Russell Martin – Funny thing happened on the way to June. Martin forgot he was a 1st half hitter. Anyone that actually wasted a draft pick on this catcher can’t be happy. Right now, they’re thinking about how they could’ve punted the catcher spot, grabbed Varitek late and had 10 homers. And they’re right, suckas! Schadenfreude! That doesn’t mean you can’t exploit their fragile sense of self. Nietzsche! Right now, they’d probably give you Martin for a side order of meatballs. Great movie! I’d prefer to have Martin than Varitek (or insert random catcher schmohawk that you own) for the rest of the year, so if you can weasel Martin out of someone’s clutches, consent granted.
Brandon Phillips – I was a big supporter of Phillips this year and still am, but only if he can prove healthy, and that but is J. Lo-sized. I have a sneaky suspicion that Phillips is going to come back, then realize he can’t play with his hairline fracture on his thumb and go to the DL for 6 weeks. Monitor him and field offers, so you seem like you’re, a, hip to the game.
Nick Johnson – You’ve been bamboozled. Yes, you have. No, he’s not going to stay healthy. Nope. Sorry. Oh, and healthy Johnson has four homers. Yawstipating.
Jorge De La Rosa – Not sure if I mentioned this when it happened, but I picked up George of the Rose the other day. But benched him for his first start with me because I didn’t trust him. He went three and a third innings and gave up seven runs. Tragedy and trajectory towards the TV averted. I dropped him the next day.
Manny Parra – You might’ve only owned him because of me so let me be the one to break it to you. Commandment #1, Pitchers shall not issue walks. Parra, go to hell.