The final results are in and I tested negative! Oh, wait, this is for the fantasy baseball leagues. Um, yeah, ignore that first sentence. This year in a not-so-unprecedented move of not-so-unprecedented size and enormity. We’re giving away prizes to our fantasy league winners! Last year we gave away a hot tub, but this year we did that one better. We one-upped a hot tub! We’re giving away an autographed Neifi Perez baseball. Wow! Whoever won that Neifi Perez baseball, try not to act too smug, okay? If you didn’t win this year, don’t worry, there’s always 2012! (Assuming the Mayans were as cracked out of their mind as they sound.) Also, before I let Rick Allen drum roll us into the winners, I wanted to give a warm thanks-slash-”Hey, good job, guy” to VinWins for updating the leagues every two weeks and updating us about his updating of them. Okay, here comes the update. Update, update, update… Stupid broken record! Anyway, here’s the fantasy baseball league updates:
Drum roll, please… Random Italicized Voice! I won something? But I drafted Justin Morneau. Not you, but someone who took your name and made you seem smart. Oh. Sweet! Should I contact my trademark attorney? No. Can I continue? Who’s stopping you? Nice showing, RIV. Member in the preseason when I said you want to draft a 1st baseman in the 1st round? RIV drafted Votto. Think your season is done when you have some bad breaks at the draft? RIV drafted Mauer in the 4th round, Aaron Hill in the 8th and A-Rod in the 2nd round. Also drafted Nate McLousy, Erik Bedard, John Lackey and Jon Niese. In a very competitive league, they still scored 12′s in every category but saves and ERA, where they were at 10 and 11, respectively. Regale us, RIV, regale us! (Frankly, it’s pretty amazing how well they did.)
The prizes headed RIV’s way is a trophy from Clay Trophies from our very own commenter, Tony. The trophy is pretty effin’ — wait, I need caps for emphasis — COOL. Seriously, RIV, if you don’t want it, I’m taking it. Who said I didn’t want it? Not you, man. Again, my bad. In addition to the trophy, you’re going to get a Louisville Slugger with my signature. Now you can walk around like Joe Clark! If the kids still said that something rad was rad, they’d say this bat was rad. RIV, please put your email in the comments so I can lavish you with prizes. All 455 other people who didn’t win, better luck next year! And congratulate RIV.
Drum roll, please… Voidoid! Somehow that name makes total sense to win a league where the idea is to have the worst fantasy team. Now when you walk around in your velour robe singing, “I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it,” you can say you’re singing about Fantasy Razzball. Voidoid scored 6,085 points, but thanks to how badly their leaguemates wanted to do badly they beat out ichirosan who scored 6,556 points but was only able to get 3rd place because of how terrible their league was at being terrible. That is not pretty awful, friends. That’s just awful. (If you’re not confused yet, don’t worry it gets worse. Or is it better?) Speaking of awful, I was actually one of the 120 participants in the Fantasy Razzball tourney of turpitude and I finished 26th. I just couldn’t get my ball rolling for the worse. I had Porcello in the beginning of the year when he was doing well, then when he started making dresses out of garbage bags I had already dropped him. Guthrie lost games for me, but wasn’t razztastic like he needed to be. Infante was manning the Not Corner, and he was pretty terrible in the good way for most of the year, but August and September weren’t great which is to say they were decent. Jason Bay was terribly wonderful on my hitting, but he just wasn’t enough. Show them what we have for Grey! Nothing! Again, that somehow seems like a good prize for this league so maybe I should get something. We’ll leave that to the rocket scientists to figure out, or just anyone with some free time. But for Voidoid we one-upped nothing! (If you read the lead — or lede if you’re a newsie — you probably know what Voidoid won, but act surprised anyway.) No, instead of nothing, Voidoid won a Neifi Perez baseball. We wanted Neifi to sign a turd, but we didn’t want to get kicked out of the Parsippany Holiday Inn autograph signing. Voidoid put your info in the comments and I’ll make all your wishes come true, if your only wish is a Neifi Perez signed baseball. And lavish him with some praise for stinking up the joint so good.