Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer. Hmph. The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week. Hmph. Hmph. Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee. Hmph. Hmph. Hmph. Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs? All those hmphs up in your trunk? Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore. Got all that? Glad one of us does. I’d own Broxton and Kuo. Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal. I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…
Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm. Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.
Roger Bernadina – Recalled by the Nats. I picked him up in every league he was available. Yup, even that one. Bernadina has 15/20 upside if he can stick with the club. Chances he sticks aren’t great but aren’t quite slim to anorexic either, so there’s that.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs. That’s a badonkadonk, for those from the Bronx.
Carlos Gonzalez – Held out Tuesday because he’s sucking on the ol’ suck wagon. Well, I got this schmohawk right. Now if only Jose Bautista would get mono from Casey Kotchman.
Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. I don’t own dlR anywhere but I get a lot of questions about whether he’s ownable, so it makes me question him. Doode has a 2.61 ERA. What are people looking for?
Todd Helton – 2-for-5 with 2 homers. Did the Rockies wear throwback unis yesterday?
Casey McGehee – Sprained his thumb on the last play of the game on Monday and was held out of the game on Tuesday, leaving him on the bench to twiddle his thumbs — sick, painful irony. If that’s irony, I have no idea.
Ryan Braun – Hit his 9th home run yesterday. Yeah, his power is gone, Naysaying Preseason ‘Perts.
Jose Contreras – Has a strained elbow and will miss about a month, assuming he doesn’t have any setbacks. But 67-year-olds tend to have setbacks getting out of bed.
Matt Harrison – 3 IP, 7 ER. Don’t worry, Harrison, nothing can ever sully your Trapper John M.D. performance.
Carlos Carrasco – His MRI came back “perfect.” Not to be that guy, but wouldn’t it be perfect if he didn’t have to go for an MRI?
Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 with 2 homers. If only Barbera could’ve been alive to see this.
Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Rudy and I spot started him in, but since he has a 2.18 ERA on the year, we might not be returning him to waivers. Stay tuned! Or not. Your choice.
Shin-Soo Choo – For an appetizer, I’d like the slam. For the entree, I Choo-Choo-choose the legs.
Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, but was caught stealing. No legs for you!
Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-4. That’ll show ‘em!
Garrett Jones – Hit his 4th home run yesterday. Robot is probably going to get the worst counting stat 20+ homer, 10 steal season in the history of baseball.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now has his ERA down to 3.00. We should all be aboard with Morton by now, yah? Yah.
Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 8 ER. Did the Braves scare him by wearing Dusty Baker masks?
Brandon McCarthy – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER and 15 baserunners. In San Diego, they call that a strong offensive homestand.
Coco Crisp – Left the game with quad tightness. Doesn’t sound cerealious.
Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run, batting .333. Pedro Alvarez has one homer and is batting .205. Kill me.
Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save. After the game, Ryan Franklin said, “See!”
Hanley Ramirez – Working on getting a hitch out of his swing by getting his foot down quicker. I wonder where Hanley picked up a bad habit. He seems like such a model of strong work ethic.
Jair Jurrjens – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. I don’t think it continues, but I have no problem riding Jar-Jar while he’s on a roll.
Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and a WTF (Warning Track Fly). A Butler specialty.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Turnabout is fair play as the Brewers stole the victory.
Sergio Santos – It’s now back to back saves but this last 2 out save should go to Brent Lillibridge who made two outstanding plays in RF. Lillibridge fields like he’s nailing Sergio Santos’ sister. Juan Pierre fields like Thornton is nailing Juan’s sister.
Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees. If you had the balls (or lady stuff, for our three girl readers) to start him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this start.
Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post. Now has a 5.33 ERA. Good news, he should be better. The bad news, not that much better. The neither good or bad just what it is news, if you listened to me you don’t own him. The okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news, there is no okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news.
Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers. This is the kind of performance that makes me so hesitant to tell anyone to drop Carlos Pena too. These guys just need three good days, and they have their counting stats. Sure, it’ll be great to get this game from Lind without the previous 23 games of crizzap, but so it goes, so it goes.
Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Fantasy-wise, Britton should be owned. Real world-wise, when do the castmates find out Zito used to do gay porn?
Phil Coke – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Hope everyone is now done experimenting with Coke. Shizz is bad for your nasal passages.
Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Then David Lynch filmed Matt Cain’s post-game interview.
Carl Everett – Pulled a gun on his wife after she said she believed in dinosaurs and Darwin Barney was her favorite player.