Fantasy Baseball Advice

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

J.A. Happ went the distance yesterday, throwing a shutout with 3 baserunners and 4 Ks.  Somewhere, Ed Wade’s Toupee smiled.  Now Happ has almost a month of quality starts.  So all’s good under the Happ hood, eh?  Eh, indeed.  Or more like crapp.  Something’s not copacetic when a guy has 32 walks against 41 Ks.  His xFIP says he’s a devil’s uncle.  If a devil’s uncle means Happ has gone lucky.  His team’s been better in the 2nd half, but they’re still the Astros.  And all of those reasons are why I’m short of Happ-y on J.A.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dan Uggla – Strained right groin knocked him out of the lineup yesterday.  His left groin said the right groin was always ‘acting pissy.’

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, but gave up 3 more unearned runs for the ticker shock.

Aaron Hill – Hit his 20th homer.  He has 434 ABs, 92 hits, 62 Ks and 20 homers.  You don’t have to be Professor Frink to know that Aaron Hill should be hitting better than .212.  He’ll go from overrated in the 2010 preseason to a sleeper for 2011 as I practice Saberhagenmetrics.

Wade Davis – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  All you streamer harpies out there should take notice that Davis gets the O’s next.  You know what happens when you see a pitcher on waivers that is getting the Orioles?  You get the O’s face.

C.J. Wilson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There should be a glossary term for a closer/middle reliever that is mediocre in a relief role then becomes a reliable starter.  Think Dempster and Wilson.

Nelson Cruz – The good news is he returned from the DL.  The bad news is he’s one day closer to his next DL stint.

Bobby Jenks – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Hey, maybe he can become a starter.  I know what you’re about to ask.  My answer is Thornton should be back Thursday.

Alex Rios – 5-for-6, 4 RBIs and the slam & legs.  You got him for the price of a Honda and he’s driving like Alexis.

Gordon Beckham – Hit on the wrist by a pitch and was immediately taken out.  X-rays showed no breaks, which is oddly enough a good break.  He’ll still miss a few games while the pain dissipates.

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-4, 3 Runs and his 13th steal.  He also has 10 homers on the year.  It’s a Bernadina bounty!  He’s managed to put up Big FraGu’s numbers in 150 less ABs.

Travis Hafner – 8 for his last 12 and has his average up to .282.  Imagine if he wasn’t hitting for power like a Sparky Anklebiter (10 HRs).

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s what I said 2 weeks ago, “Is it me or does it feel like he has a triumphant return to the majors every other month?  Seems to go like this for Bailey.  First start in the majors and he blows away the opposition.  Starts four more times and gets rocked or injured.  Then he’s DL’d or demoted.  A month later, he returns triumphantly.  Rinse and repeat.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-3 with the slam & legs.  Bunch of games yesterday for a Monday so I had to bench one hitter in all my leagues.  Guess who it was.  Sonavabench!

Carlos Zambrano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Brenly pointed out something interesting that was obviously fed to him by a producer.  If you throw out Big Z’s first start of the year, his ERA is around 3.75 as a starter.  Take that, Gatorade cooler!

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  A double donk night for Mini-Donkey.  All brays to the Mini-Donkey.

Justin Upton – Hurt his shoulder after striking out.  Maybe a fantasy owner went overboard with his voodoo doll.  Hopefully he doesn’t need a DL stint.  You have my promise that as soon as someone else reads about it, they will update me in the comments and then I will put a pithy spin on it in tomorrow’s roundup.

Rod Barajas – 3rd homer this week.  Before you know it, he’ll be the hero of Los Angeles then he’ll be unceremoniously dropped to waivers in 18 months.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Kuroda’s been good for a while now, but the Phillies are a mess right now.  I haven’t seen a whole lineup slump this bad since NBC post-Friends.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Jorge de la Rosa’s 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  How did I have the cojones to start both of these guys in multiple leagues and not get rewarded with at least one win?  How?!

Ian Stewart – Mini-Mini Donkey is headed to the DL with… Go ahead, guess.  If you guessed strained oblique, you are a genius.  Take a lap around your computer, cheering yourself.  This is apropos of nothing but I found it funny.  PETA was protesting a basketball game where the players would ride donkeys.  Someone responded in opposition to PETA’s opposition saying, “You can’t hurt a donkey unless you REALLY try, hard.  They will also bite or kick if somebody mistreats them.  (They’re) perfectly capable of looking after themselves without the intervention of PETA.”  It would be awesome if PETA agreed and went with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (except, ya know, donkeys.  They’re self-sufficient.)

September 1st is an exciting time for fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).  Seasons change and it’s out with the old and in with new in baseball.  For us in the fantasy baseball trenches, September 1st means rosters expand and rookies are called up.  Unlike the September hitter call-ups I took my magical pencil to the other day, I’d use kid gloves with these pitching call-ups.  Pitchers can hurt you.  If you need to take a flier on a rookie pitcher, tread carefully, young Razzball reader.  Anyway, here’s some potential September call-ups to keep your eye on for fantasy baseball, the starters:

Jenrry Mejia – Was up in the beginning of the year as a reliever then was sent down to get stretched out.  Hey, I’m Mr. Exposition.  Not sure if the Mets will use Mejia in the majors this year as a starter, but I think they should.  Not because his stuff is dynamite (nor is it bad), but I think it’s foolhardy to use a guy as a reliever then as a starter then again as a reliever.  (BTW, foolhardy has no relation to J.J.)  If Mejia is in the rotation in September, he’ll have matchup appeal.

Aroldis Chapman – “I love Aroldis Chapman,” February Grey.  This year he’s in middle relief.  Though I’d grab him in keepers immediately.

Michael Pineda – Mentioned only to say he won’t be called up this year, but you can take a flier on him in keepers for next year.  Look at Stephen’s Pineda fantasy for a more in-depth look.

Yunesky Maya – About three weeks ago, I pushed Maya a little too early in one of my Buy columns.  Hey, better early than late as people who have unprotected sex say.  Maya’s another guy I’d definitely grab in keepers; I’d be shocked if he wasn’t in the rotation next year.  For this year, I like him, but need to see how many starts he’ll get.  Right now, he’s slated for only one start.  Yippee-kay-whatever.

Jordan Lyles – Very young, but being promoted aggressively.  In Stephen’s Scouting the Unknown about Lyles, he said, “(H)e has a ceiling of a number two starter and a baseline of a number three starter.  I’d say the Astros have a pretty good prospect on their hands.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  I’d grab him in all dynasty leagues and NL-Only keepers now.  I wouldn’t expect too much this year in redraft leagues.

Simon Castro – I already own him in a deep keeper.  Why, you ask yourself in your library voice so no one thinks you’re talking to yourself.  He’s the top arm in the Padres’ minor league system.  If you need more, you haven’t been following along for the last 3 years.

Zach McAllister – I imagine he’ll be called up, but I won’t be owning him anywhere this year (and probably not next year either).  Right now, he looks like a number 3 starter in his prime.  At 22, he’s not in his prime.

Carlos Torres – Already called up.  He’ll probably be a solid endgame sleeper next year in AL-Only leagues, if he grabs a rotation spot.  In AL-Only leagues and keepers, I could definitely see grabbing him this year.  He won’t be more than matchups in mixed and redraft leagues, if even that.

Zach Britton – Doubtful if he gets called up this year.  He’s number 12 on the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects so could be worth a grab in dynasty leagues.

Chris Tillman – For those keeping score at home, yes, the Orioles should have a great rotation sometime in the near future.  For right now, I wouldn’t touch Tillman outside of AL-Only or keeper leagues.

Tanner Scheppers – Besides his constant complaining about having to tediously carry around tchotkes in the hot sun, he has a great K-rate, but will just be in the bullpen.  Could be an exciting middle man this year…. Okay, middle men aren’t that exciting.  Think Feliz last year.

Ryan Raburn isn’t just some old fashioned name that sounds like a matinee idol from the 40′s.  Grandpa, tell me again about the time you were working as an extra in Hollywood and you stole Angela Lansbury away from Ryan Raburn.  Well, it all started late one night at Musso & Frank’s.  We were all pickled pretty good on Cuba Libres, remember this was before the House Committee on Un-American Activities banned them… So, Raburn hit 2 homers yesterday and is now batting over .400 in the last week and 8 homers in the month of August.  He’s starting every day since the Tigers were hit by injuries and the power is for real.  In his last full year of ABs in the minors, he hit 20 homers.  Last year, 16 homers in 113 games.  The average could bottom out, but with 2nd base eligibility there’s no reason not to take a flier on him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Has now given up only 4 hits in his last 14 innings.  Okay, I don’t fully trust him, his Ks are just blahtastic.  Neverthehoo!  You can’t deny the type of groove he’s in right now and he gets the Royals next time out.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Brandon Morrow – After his next start vs. the Yankees, he’ll be shut down.  I blame the Mariners for their inability to settle on a role for Morrow over the previous few years.  He had the best K/9 for starters in the major leagues this year and will almost certainly be coveted by February Grey next year.

Mike Napoli – Was claimed off waivers by the Red Sox.  A deal is supposed to be unlikely.  According to sources, Scioscia’s asking for a family-size bag of Sun Chips.  Sawx are offering a single serving bag.

Brian Fuentes – Traded to the Twins.  Gardenhire went on the record saying that Capps will remain the closer.  Then he broke the record by bringing in Fuentes to close Saturday’s game.  I wouldn’t read too into though.  It was a one-out save vs. a lefty.  Fuentes may see a few saves against lefty-heavy ninth inning lineups, but Capps should get the majority of the saves going forward.

Fernando Rodney – Nothing like getting the closer job on a team that’s selling off its pieces.  Rodney gets no respect, I tell ya.  He’s a Brain Freeze waiting to happen, but, if you need saves, SAGNOF!

Edinson Volquez – Headed to the bullpen as the Reds realized what fantasy owners concluded a few starts ago, Volquez is too unpredictable to start at this stage of the year.  Dusty will have to find someone else to play Paper, Rock, Ulnar Collateral Ligament Reconstruction Surgery Scissors with.

Matt Lindstrom – Back problems haven’t subsided and Lyon could remain the closer for the rest of the year.  Rawr!

Bud Norris – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Oops upside your head.

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-4 yesterday.  3 homers and 3 steals in his last ten games.  His track record says the speed is there.  (pun point!)  The power hasn’t show up much in his previous years.  Right now, I’d grab him in deep leagues just hoping his hot streak continues.  I wouldn’t bank on it though.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in his last 3 games.  If I would’ve known all he needed to get hot was for me to tell you to drop him, I would’ve punted him in March.  I never doubted the talent; it was the slump that looked like it was taking Extenze that worried me.  There’s no reason not to give him a 2nd chance if he’s out there on waivers.

Ryan Braun – 4-for-4 with 19th homer.  Cool, now repeat this game every day for the next month and we’ll be cool with each other.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-4 with his 10th steal.  He’s been on and off one of my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.  I’m warning you now, I will like him again next year.  There’s 40 steals in those gams.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 8th save.  Axford had pitched the last two games, so I wouldn’t say anything’s changed other than Hoffman’s a few saves away from retirement.

Evan Meek – Was hit with a comebacker and could be out for a few days.  That’s the good news for Hanarahananananan.  He could see some time in the ninth.  And there’s the bad news.

Manny Ramirez – Looks headed to the White Sox.  I can’t tell you how excited I am for this move.  Because, well, I’m not excited.  I don’t own him anywhere.  If I did own him, I’d be slightly more excited.  At least, he should actually play now.  If you got the best possible month from Manny, you’re still not going to get anything you couldn’t grab off waivers in all but the deepest leagues.  Maybe 7 homers and a .350 average in a best case scenario.  More realistically, a few homers and a .300.

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hasn’t won in over a month and his ERA is up to 3.61.  The K-rate is still purdy, so the Colby cheese hasn’t lost its bite.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was a home schooler for the early months of the season, but his ERA in August is under 2 and is now startable every time out.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-5, hit his 2nd homer in three games.  Kouz is one of those players I halfheartedly mention that I can’t even bear to own myself.  And that’s me undercutting what was already a lukewarm recommendation!

Ivan Nova – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As defined by Oxford English Dictionary, a Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter and then gradually returns to its original brightness over a period of weeks.  As defined by Chevy Pimpalas dot com, the Nova is freakin’ awesome.

Marcus Thames – Was in Friday’s Buy, has 5 homers in his last 5 games.  Like Chiquita Banana’s boyfriend, he hits them in bunches.

Jeremy Guthrie – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Napoli-less Angels.  Yeah, the “Cutting off Napoli to spite the team” strategy is working good.  Anything that gets Jeff Mathis’ .201, 3 homer bat into the lineup.  Maybe Scioscia should skip Jered Weaver’s turn in the rotation too, so Kazmir can get an extra start.  He’s managing the team like he’s got a deal with that lady from Major League.

Koji Uehara – Got his fourth save yesterday as Buck Showalter gave him the confirmation name, “Closer.”

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  Aim to please, that’s CarGo’s MotTo.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-5 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yup.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and his 8th blown save.  He needs a lozenge he’s coughed up so many games recently.  He’s surrendered a run in each of his last four starts and 7 of his last ten.  I’d be shocked if the Marlins continue to roll him out there.  I made a speculative grab of Clay Hensley in two leagues.  Jose Veras could also be an option.  Or it may be the dreaded closer by committee.  Don’t these people realize nothing’s better done by committee?  Except jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with a bout of lightheadeness.  This is following a severe case of redheadness.  Hanley, you think you can get into the National Association for the Advancement of Gingy People that easily?  The NAAGP has a bumper sticker for you, “Feckless without freckles.”

Down goes St. Stephen, the patron saint of fantasy baseball salvation. Everyone and their brother, not mine cause mine has an X chromosome and is called sister, said they knew this was going to happen. Phooey.  Can I say phooey? Well, I did and I am. It may be Mark Prior all over again, that would be awesome. P.S. I hate overhyped players. They come in with their pants all pleated and attitudes that reek of Drakkar. Rant over. ESPN made it their lead for like three days and actually interviewed his ulnar collateral ligament. Okay, now I’m done, I promise. It’s coming down to it, folks.  Only a few weeks left of fake baseball. Here are your week deuce deuce lesser owned two start pitchers for fantasy baseball.

Jake Westbrook (@Hou vs. Happ) (Cin vs. Wood)
Love me some ground ball pitchers. ERA a tick over 4 in NL. Not great, but I couldn’t do better. Playoff push is here early as they get Cincy in what may be a beanball weekend set.

Brian Duensing (Det vs. Galarraga) (Tex vs. Wilson)
ERA in the mid-ones, yeah, that’s “singular” at home. If he K’d more, I’d be like him like a kid staring at a puppy in the mall. Has dual eligibility so he has that going for him.

Travis Wood (Mil vs. Wolf) (@ StL vs. Westbrook)
Natalie couldn’t float, Travis uses swimmies. Cincy is chugging right now (16-7 in August). Playoffs are well within Dusty’s grasp, he will find some way to ruin it though.

Mike Minor (NyM vs. Niese) (@ Fla vs. Sanabia)
22 K’s in 18 innings. Looks to be the next best thing since sliced bread.

Joe Saunders (SD vs. LeBlanc) (Hou vs. Happ)
Runs his mouth a lot for a middle of the road starter. I like it. Haven’t been this juiced about a pitcher’s attitude since Pascual Perez.

Brian Matusz (Bos vs. Beckett) (TB vs. Davis)
Has the goods, three plus pitches. Only problem is, this week shows why his division is trouble.  ERA at a deuce in August.

Kyle Kendrick (@ LA vs. Montaserios) (Mil vs. Wolf)
Better on the road. Still gets lit up like Masterson versus lefties. Philly need to play some great ball if they want to secure a spot in playoffs. You could do worse, you could pick Pat Misch.

Dustin Moseley (Oak vs. Cahill) ( Tor vs. Rzepczynsky)
Far from a horse (obviously horses can’t play baseball). Depth of how deep he can go into a game is a concern, but has Yanks’ O behind him, so he can get away with saying, “Don’t worry about it,” but in a cool Steven Seagal ‘Out For Justice’ kinda way.

Paul Maholm (@ChC vs. Zambrano) (Was vs. Marquis)
I want to like him, but his stats make me sad. He goes against Marquis. so he’s better than at least one person I can think of.