Two Startapalooza, Week 15: Enjoy Your GraNola With Berrios

Boy, I’m really phoning it in with this week’s article title. Anyway, it’s the last full week before we get a midseason breather for the All Star Break, so it’s a fairly busy one. Tiers 1 and 2 look like more fun than an Alabama Slammahamma. Don’t bother Googling that, I just made it up. It sounds like a real thing though, doesn’t it? Tier 3 isn’t quite the juicy peach we had a week ago, but some options may be on your waiver wire. Tier 4 gives us a bountiful bouquet of bodaciousness, with a vast array of not-horrible starters that have decent matchups. Danny Duffy climbing out of the bottom tier might be optimistic, but his duo of AL Central opponents are enticing. There are even a couple of Tier 5 guys that might be of deep league interest, but…we’ve officially hit the Tommy Milone point in the season. Will he really get two starts? Everyone hopes not. Don’t even talk to me about his minor league numbers, they’re always good. He’s the epitome of a Quad-A pitcher. Even in what would be his second start against the Mets who can’t hit a lick against lefties, I’d rather just run into the corner of a groin-high kitchen table and call it a day.

• Clayton Kershaw (LAD) – In his last start, Kershaw went six innings for the first time since his return from the DL on June 23rd. He gave up two runs to the Pirates and didn’t walk any, but also struck out only two. Meh, whatever, you’ll take it as long as he’s healthy. He had a pitch count of 90 pitches or six innings, and the six inning limit happened to come first. “The reigns are off” for the next start, as apparently Kershaw is a pack mule for Dave Roberts. The timing couldn’t be better as he lines up for two starts, one of which comes against the Padres. The Angels also have poor splits against lefties, so there’s that as well.

• Trevor Bauer (CLE) – Not much to see in Tier 2 this week. Bauer stands out as a name that would/could/should be in Tier 1, but a pair of tough matchups kicks him down a notch. They call that the Bizarro Emeril. MAB!! That’s his catchphrase. It’s “bam” backwards, you see. And yes, of course Bizarro Emeril has a mustache. They both reek of garlic, however. The Reds tied with the Astros for the highest team wOBA in June at .352, and I don’t (or shouldn’t) have to tell you how frightening the Yankees lineup can be. Bauer has been so good you can’t afford to sit him, of course. Just consider yourself warned by a smelly chef with a mustache.

• Jhoulys Chacin (MIL) – I had a hard time deciding whether I wanted to push Chacin up to Tier 3 or leave him in Tier 4, but here we are. He will undoubtedly burn me for any optimism. Whenever you expect Jhoulys Chacin to actually help, you often get Ghoulys Chacin. That’s the alter ego of Jhoulys Chacin – the one who destroys your ratios for a given week. He’s quite ghoulish. Ghoulys Chacin. He’s basically just fastballs and sliders these days and still issues too many walks, yet he has a 3.63 ERA on the year. Does he deserve worse? Yes. His HR/FB% is 6.5%, roughly half the MLB average, so regression looms. This week he pitches is spacious Marlins and PNC Parks however, which is what might stave off that regression for another week.

• Jeremy Hellickson (WSH) – The Helix is back, and hopefully you missed that memo since he was skewered and roasted over a spit by the Marlins in his second start back from the DL. He gave up nine runs (eight earned) in just four innings. Woof. Digging through his game logs provides a bit of clarity his season-long stats don’t show – his inability to pitch deep into games. An astute Razzball commenter mentioned in my Top 100 Starters recently that the Nats don’t let him see an order a third time, which seems wise. His first time through the order: 0.76 ERA. Second time? 5.09 ERA. He’s only tossed 5.1 innings the third time through the order, but has a fancy 11.81 ERA to show for it. He’s got solid matchups this week, but don’t get your hopes too high.

• Tyler Anderson (COL) – MISTER ANDERSON!! I haven’t seen The Matrix in years, yet to this day whenever I see someone with the last name Anderson I have to say it like Agent Smith. It might be peculiar to see a starter with solid numbers like Anderson’s (3.90 ERA/1.22 WHIP, 8.32 K/9, 2.92 BB/9) mired in the mucky muck of Tier 5. He’s even gone 16 shutout innings over his last two starts with a friggin 17:3 K:BB ratio! Well, this week will be a real test for Anderson. Both of his starts come at home, where he has a 4.37 ERA on the season, and both offenses he faces are strong. The Mariners and DBacks each had top-10 wOBA’s in June. If he can escape both matchups with quality starts, maybe he really is The One. I’m going to stay away if I can.

*All starters are projected for two starts as of Friday evening.

You can find Dokken on Twitter @NathanDokken