For our last Buy/Sell of the season, I’m reminded of all that the past Buys have given this year. I got introspective, y’all. I thought about how a 2-for-4 on Monday put a Buy on my radar, then by Thursday he was either back to waivers or 10 for his last 14 and I wanted him on all my teams. I thought about how you were better off not falling in love with so many of these Buys. Because a lot of people out here say “I love my Aybar” or “I love my Plouffe” or “I’m just in love with that Norichika over there” so for all the people out there that fall in love with Buys, love’s gonna getcha. Just when you thought the Buy was your new girl, you realize you want your old girl back and she wasn’t the one that keyed your Camaro because you forgot to bring home some fro-yo. See, a Buy can kill with a smile, he can wound with his eyes. He can ruin your faith with his casual 0-for-5’s. The Buy was free to pick up, except the cost of dropping someone else. Sometimes love don’t feel like it should, Ryan Zimmerman make it hurt so good. Then I thought about guys I didn’t pick up that broke out. We’re just ordinary people, we don’t know which way to go, cuz we’re ordinary people. Maybe we shouldn’t have taken it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh). But most of all, I’m introspective today because the lede’s about Nate McLouth and really what the hell is there to say about him? He’s playing every day and has 4 homers and 4 steals with an average near .300 in September. If everyone on your team was doing that, you’d be yelling out bingo and scaring the crap out of the old lady next to you in the church basement. Am I right? Sho nuff! Anyway, here’s some more player’s to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Andy Pettitte – I’m shocked at how much value he’s actually given, but I was also shocked people thought the movie, Ted, was great, so what do I know? I’m just a poor boy — he’s just a poor boy! — with a great a mustache — with a great mustache! I’m not going to give any more starters for this week because guys are getting bumped all over the place and I’d just look at the Stream-o-Nator, “Ah, we’re friends again, huh? I was the one that keyed your Camaro. Not some fro-yo-crazed girl.”
Yonder Alonso – I’m gonna go against everything I stand for next year and on one team I’m gonna draft all high-average, counting stat guys and ignore homers. Yonder is going to be my 1st baseman.* *Probably not. Can’t teach an old dog yadda2. Probably just feeling buyer’s remorse still on Hosmer.
Justin Smoak – For full disclosure, I don’t feel that confident about Smoak now that he’s headed back to pitchers parks to end the year. Smoak needs to sign somewhere better this offseason. Smoak in Coors and the Rockies could finally move past Helton. No, he wouldn’t hit 50 doubles and 40 homers there, but he’d be a whole lot better than what you thought we were gonna get from Cuddyer this year.
Ike Davis – It’s interesting to me (which is to say pedantic and not that interesting) the different types of players you get in a Buy the last week of the season. You get players who are just hot for the past week (obviously), but you also get guys that were good all year who just didn’t see playing time (Moss) and you get players that weren’t good for a large chunk of the early season but have been good for a few months now (Davis). BTW, member what I said for Alonso two blurbs ago? Yeah, Davis actually will be on my teams next year. I will now bludgeon Hosmer with Ryan Zimmerman’s arm.
Brandon Moss – If I would’ve had Moss and Alonso and platooned them instead of owning Hosmer– Okay, I won’t mention Hosmer again until next year when I inexplicably draft him again.
Jeff Keppinger – Hitting over .500 in the last week. I’ll probably draft him next year too. JK, JK! JK, JK!
Donovan Solano – He’s also hitting over .500 in the last week, hit two homers this week and has total respect for Ozzie. Eh, two out of three ain’t bad.
Everth Cabrera – He steals like a thief, but he’s always just SAGNOF to me. Damn you, Billy Joel, and your catchy songs!
Andy Dirks – Hitting near .400 in the last week and if you say his last name over and over again it sounds like you’re dancing like Dr. Evil.
Raul Ibanez – Something tells me he won’t be hot by next Tuesday, but there’s only, like, five more days of season left, so what the eff in the coolie hole.
David Murphy – What would a Buy be without David Murphy? Nada, nada, nada damn thing.
Russ Canzler – Hitting near .500 in the last week with two homers (Hey, we have a theme!). This is Grey’s Double Yahtzee pick of the week!
Bobby Parnell – Rauch was the guy that Terry Collins pegged for saves and to remove crap from the top shelves of the clubhouse, but Parnell looks much better and should get saves until this whole shebang is a wrap. Shebang, shebang, shebang!
SELL
Alex Rodriguez – On our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, he’s ranked 210th. That’s on the season! That means you should’ve drafted him around 200th overall. Zoinks! When I did a “Find” for “Rodriguez” on the Player Rater, I hit Wandy first. Yikes!
Jacoby Ellsbury – There’s always next year (assuming the Mayans are wrong. BTW, there are some Mayans scrambling right now to fill out their bucket lists.)
Carlos Gonzalez – Hey, you guys had a good run. Now he can’t run at all and is on the bench eating sunflower seeds with Tulo. “Hey, CarGo, you ever think about joining my offseason Murderball league?” “I don’t know, Tulo. You gonna stay healthy for it?”
Anyone that is not going to help you win right now – There’s no time left, drop anyone that is not playing and add players that are. Now excuse me while I go see The Master. I hear Scientology’s periodical, “I Xenu, I Xenu, No, You’re Not Mad At Him, You Just Xenu” gave it a six, but that’s on a scale of 100 trogomites, which is their number counting system. It’s all about the L. Ron’s, baby!
