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What a year! What a league! What can I say about the Razz30 that hasn’t already been said about the worst parts of Detroit? We’re a tire on fire rolling down that steep hill road in San Francisco that I’m too lazy to google the name of. The year with this bunch was so many things, electric, distracting, all consuming, infuriating, and eye-opening. Did you know that Tentacle Porn is a thing? Like pornography with women and (I’m hoping) phony octopus (octopi) and the like. My skin is crawling even thinking of this, but that’s what this band of ragtag misfits provides. Constant amazement. Stomach turning sharing aside, this group known as the Crabs are a family like no other. Mostly because it’s a bunch of 25-45 year old men on the internet talking about tentacle porn. Normal families don’t do that. But still we’re way more than a fantasy league. We’re a source of constant entertainment for one another. Each serves their place in the well balanced environment. But at the end of the day we’re one damn good fantasy league. That is, if you like super deep rosters, constant chatting, Game of Thrones, and highly technical gooch maintenance. In today’s post we’ll cover our usual shenanigans, and the exciting last two months of league play. We had an exciting stretch run (not really), and MLB style head to head playoffs, where the Cleveland Indians emerged victorious. Before we get started, CLAWS UP!!!

The Final Standings

Quick tutorial on the format, and playoffs. We are a 30 team 6×6 roto league, with two 15 team leagues modeled after MLB. And by modeled after MLB, I mean modeled after MLB. All thirty franchises are represented, and broken into AL and NL leagues. We allow trading between the leagues, and neither league is AL or NL only. We do have a required number of 8 players from your real life team. So, for example, I the Mets owner, must own 8 Mets between my 23 man MLB roster, and 15 man minor league roster. Unfortunately we don’t have enough DL spots to accommodate all of my Mets, but I digress. From opening day until September 3rd, we competed as two 15 team roto leagues. However, starting September 4th we began our three round, 8 team playoff tournament. The four teams, much like MLB, are comprised of three divisions in each league, with each division winner receiving a berth in the playoffs. As well as, one at large bid in each league awarded to the top non-division winning club. Wow, that was a lot of words to say we more or less copy MLB. Each of the first two rounds are 1 week each, culminating in a 2 week world series between the AL winner and the NL winner.

AL: The Red Sox managed to pull ahead of the Indians in the last month to clinch the top seed in the AL playoffs. It was a hard fought battle, as the Sawx only pulled it off by a single point. The Indians however ultimately got their revenge, more on that later. The three division winners were the aforementioned Sox in the East, and Tribe in the Central, while the Astros won the West, and the Yankees gaining the at large bid. So exactly like MLB. Other honorable mentions include an excellent season from the Twins, and an ultimately disappointing finish for the TeXXXas Rangers.

NL: Over in the senior circuit nothing much changed. The Nationals took the regular season, the Dodgers took the West, and kept it close at the top. The Cubs won the Central, ascending to a strong third in the second half, and my Mets, the only non-playoff team in our playoffs (humble brag), took the at large bid. The Padres finished strong, and the Diamondbacks under performed down the stretch, but that was more bad luck than anything. Enough of the regular season. Now let’s talk about the tourney!

The Playoffs: 8 Teams make it, but only one shall emerge victorious! The tourney starts with two one week rounds, culminating in a two week World Series.

Round 1 (Division Series): Our first round started with a series of four battles, Red Sox vs Astros, Indians vs Yankees, Nationals vs Mets, and Dodgers vs Cubs. The Sawx, and Nats both won by wide margins, while the Indians just edged the Yankees, and the Dodgers eeked by the Cubs on a tiebreaker.

Round 2 (League Championship Series): The favorite, and defending champion, Red Sox fell to the Steamroller that is the Believeland Indians, while the other favorite, the defending NL champ the Nationals fell to the Dodgers. Setting the stage for a potential preview of the real fall classic, with the Indians facing the Dodgers.

World Series: A close two week battle came down to the last days, with the Indians emerging victorious. The prize, the money, and a year’s supply of Fresh Balls, and White Monster Energy Drink goes to you Jarod Miller.

 

Food of the Month

I present to you gas station sushi from a Western Tennessee rest area. Yummy! Is that Eel Sauce? You’re not sure! That’s okay, we’ll eat it! BTW, yes, we 100% are about empowering teachers here in the Crab Army.

Beards of the Month

We missed a month skipping the August Update to beef up our finale. So with that being the case, we will provide two beards of the month here today.

Sidenote: This actually provides an interesting dichotomy, as one of our beards hates the other. Though the other, either doesn’t care or seems completely oblivious to such hate. Ohhhh brothers in claws.

Jaaaaaaake’s Beard

What we have here is a southern ginger beard in it’s natural habitat. Dodging insults from monster truck driving laborers, and evangelical relatives, one mile at a time. The look on his daughter’s face says “why does this guy watch tentacle porn?”, and “God, he ate that gas station sushi again didn’t he? Dude, your butt smells worse than mine and I just mashed a crap in my pullup”. For those of you unfamiliar, this is Jaaaaake, he loves hating Luke Skywalker, and Arya Stark, gas station sushi, smashing the patriarchy of his forefathers, and a good dick joke. He is the heart and soul of our Crab Army. If Joe Buck waxed poetic about any of our members it would be Jake. We salute you sir.

Jack’s Beard

Some have likened him to Beetlejuice, he’s the Minister of Hate, The Hateful One, AKA Big Odio, AKA The Mayor, AKA Ole Splooge beard. It’s Jack Full of Hate, otherwise known as J-FOH. This my friends is a beard that gets the guns by the bouncers, a beard that’s seen more than a dozen biker bar orgies. This is a beard familiar with pool stick penetration. Unlike many of our more well groomed beards, Jack’s is wild, free, and angry. Like a Manson child years after Father got life in the pokey. Is he in Springfield? Is that at an amusement park? Should we be scared for the safety of the children in close quarters to this ruggedly handsome gentleman? The answer is simple: Does a frog bump it’s ass when it hops?

To all my loyal Crabs, new and old, thanks for a hell of a year. Oh yeah and REL still sucks. Kidding!!!!

Follow me on Twitter @ProspectJesus and Check the Minor League Preview Index for all off-season content

   
  1. Rosscoe says:
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    Damn straight crab brother Ralph! Geoff couldn’t have said it better himself.

    Jack Full of Hate’s beard pisses rainbows on Nick and Jarod’s GOT musings btw. Far too manly for that. It sure is long isn’t it Jaaake….?

    And who was the idiot who let the Pirates finish that high? If you’re gonna tank, do it properly dammit.

    Hope you enjoy the diarrhea from all the gas station sushi your winnings can buy Jarrod!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Rosscoe: Beard off!!!!

      Yeah, no idea what the deal is with that. I heard he traded Giancarlo…

    • JRod

      KingCrab2017 says:
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      @Rosscoe: I’m gonna guzzle eel sauce like it was locker room champagne! Barely clawed by in all of my playoff match-ups but I’ll take it!

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        Haha

  2. Miketron says:
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    REL still does suck. Fuck yo spreadsheets! Fun year guys, hope we can keep up the craziness next year.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Miketron: Mike-tron has spoken

  3. jaaaaaaaake.crab says:
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    REL, like laces out, sucks!

    RAZZ30 IS LIFE

    Jack may be full of hate but that is a damn fine beard. His facial hair is nice, also

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @jaaaaaaaake.crab: Laces out totally sucks!

      Jack’s beard is a modern marvel

  4. MattTruss

    MattTruss says:
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    Have I mentioned I’m psyched as hell to be part of this dysfunctional family?

    • Old School Brother says:
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      @MattTruss: Claws up!

    • J-FOH says:
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      @MattTruss: run away as far as you can. I’m not a crab but I’ve sat among them and for the love of all that is holy just run. Don’t look back. Run

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @MattTruss: Dysfunction? We’re far worse than that.

      But seriously I’m psyched to have you in the fold. Crab ways!

    • J-FOH says:
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      congratulations on your 300th post. It seems fitting to have a picture of the guy who got you to the guy to get your start here. My work here is done….I think. Maybe I need to stick with you a while longer. This 30 team meh content needs a kickstart. Something catchy and fresh , now what could that be.

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @J-FOH: Damn you and your backhanded words of encouragement. You’re like Mick in Rocky, only more rapey.

  5. Old School Brother says:
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    Great year, already thinking of moves to push me over the Asstros next year

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Old School Brother: If there’s hate in your heart let it out!!!

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: no hold it in and lash out at the world. The world is trying to fuck you constatnly. Be a man and fuck it back

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @J-FOH: Can’t read it without a subscription Gordon Gekko.

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: it’s free on apple news

  6. Grey

    Grey says:
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    Congrats on 300 posts, Lifshitz! 1-35 were marginalized by the right, 36-90 is when you started to find your footing, you sorta coasted through 91-108 let’s be honest, but 109-200 that was some damn fine work…Still on 201, will let you know…

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Grey: Thanks Grey! Glad to see you’re reviewing my whole catalog. I always blame my troubles between 1-35 with the right.

      Keep me posted

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        Post #202 was a joy!

  7. Grey

    Grey says:
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    As the page refreshed with my comment, I saw a pic of JFOH. Oh, boy… Hopes and prayers with you for post 301…

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Grey: He’s like a bouncer for this post.

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: only a valid ID allows you entry. I will accept passports if accompanied by a boob flash

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @J-FOH: Thank god I have a hidden camera to catch the boob flashes

    • J-FOH says:
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      @Grey: oh boy? As in excitement oh boy, a fearful oh boy? Or that I’m like buddy holly, or maybe the guy who played him singing oh boy

      • Grey

        Grey says:
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        I am a fearful boy!

        • J-FOH says:
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          @Grey: I’m a Gary Busey type

          • Grey

            Grey says:
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            Pre or post-Celebrity Apprentice?

            • J-FOH says:
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              @Grey: all of it

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
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                @J-FOH: Total Busey

              • Grey

                Grey says:
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                It’s quite the body of work

                • J-FOH says:
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                  @Grey: very well rounded body

                  • Grey

                    Grey says:
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                    Hehe

  8. J-FOH says:
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    Where’s the self righteous crabs today. Me and Grey-joy are the only ones flooding your comments. Doesn’t anyone know you get bragging rights and power in negotiations based on comment totals

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @J-FOH: Yeah I need comment power!

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: you got hand… I mean comment

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      I prefer Greyworm.

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Grey: my apologies, I never took you as an unsullied. Unless it’s a reverse nickname

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Haha

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Haha

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Grey: thanks for you being here, where is Ralph? Did Potsy take him away

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          Ha, yeah, Ralph’s East coast

Comments are closed.