Raul Ibanez of the PhilliesOne of our blogging brethren over at Midwest Sports Fans was analyzing 37 year old Raul Ibanez’s breakout start to the season and, as part of a rather detailed analysis of park factors and whatnot, ‘begrudgingly acknowledged’ that performance-enhancing drugs cannot be completely dismissed. A Philadelphia Inquirer journalist saw it.  By the next day, they had an angry Raul Ibanez threatening to ‘come after people who defame or slander me’ and labeling the charges as ‘pathetic and disgusting’.

While we are bloggers and naturally want to defend one of our own, we can’t bring ourselves to do it in this case. It doesn’t take an investigative journalist or top-notch blogger to figure out what’s going on with Señor Ibanez. We realized it in the first week of the season and didn’t think it was worth spelling out but now that it’s all the talk….well, we might as well spill the beans.

Raul Ibanez is not doing well because he’s on performance-enhancing drugs. C’mon, get real. It’s quite the contrary – he’s doing well because he’s finally off performance-enfeebling drugs.

Look at his career – do you really think any major leaguer would play 13 seasons for only the Mariners and the Royals if they weren’t on drugs? Think about what Seattle and Kansas City have in common. Who is Seattle’s most well-known musician? Yes, Kurt Cobain (sorry Jimi Hendrix). And who is Kansas City’s most well-known musician? That’s a harder one but you guessed correctly if you said jazz musician extraordinaire Charlie “Bird” Parker (sorry dude who played with the Sunshine Band). What do those two musicians have in common? Yup, they were dragon chasin’, white horse ridin’ heroin addicts.

Did you really think Ibanez was just a .290/20 HR type? He can hit that while his body is ravaged by smack. In fact, he has. Every single year until this year that is. Now the dope-free dope is finally having the monster season that he could’ve been having for the past 15 years if only he stayed clean. Hell, even his much-maligned fielding has gotten better.

So sorry Midwest Sports Fans but we’re siding with the hot-hitting OF in Philly who is angry on life. Keep ragin’, Raul!

  1. airlifting says:

    hahaha…this is awesome. “white horse ridin.”

  2. PWNightmare says:

    Raul has replaced The Man with the Golden Arm with Come On People: On the Path from Victims to Victors by Bill Cosby on his bookshelf in the locker room.

  3. youngcapitalist says:

    I think John Gonzalez (the author of the Inquirer piece) is upset that a BLOGGER did a better job of investigative journalism than any member of the Inquirer is able to do, or any other newspaper for that matter. Welcome to the new age of media, ladies and gentleman. Watch your step as the newspapers start taking cheap shots at bloggers in hopes they can save their dieing business model.

  4. SaltyBiscuits says:

    Better get your enjoyment out of him now because I will be assassinating Raul Ibanez before the All-Star break.

    Then I plan on ambushing his surviving family at his funeral and ridiculing them to no end. I’m thinking “Nah nah nah nah nahhh nah. I killed your faaatherrr!” would be a good place to start.

  5. 101 M.P.H. says:

    If I understand your logic correctly, had Kurt Cobain kicked heroin prior to his tragic death, he would currently be pitching as effectively as, say…..

    Sidney Ponson?

  6. nmdunkel says:

    I had a big issue with this non-story story, only ’cause I watched Ken Douchebag Rosenthal try to headhunt a fair, logical guy in a disgustingly elitist, patronizing way, while he obvs did not read the article. Hey guy…you wanna see poor moral standards from writers, look no further.

    Raul, love ya bro, but you can tell me and every other ‘amateur’ (in short this means the same writing talent without a journalism degree, Ken) blogger to censor ourselves after tickets are free and we, the fans, no longer keep you in work.

  7. IowaCubs

    IowaCubs says:

    Tears are streaming down my face. Tears.

  8. cws05nuts says:

    He is playing in a toy ballpark embedded in a fantasy lineup.

  9. airlifting says:

    @cws05nuts: someone listens to boers & bernstein.

  10. brad says:

    Ibanez is hiding a pregnancy.

  11. Ernie Imbroglio says:

    @airlifting: Ha! I thought it was fitting when Bernstein called Carlos Marmol “Carlos MacDougal” earlier today. This is not false.

    @brad: A HYSTERICAL pregnancy, apparently.

  12. BigFatHippo says:

    Raul, Raul!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Excellent piece of investigative journalism Rudy, you’ve outdone yourself this time. Good for Raul for finally overcoming such a terrible disease. How do you think he did it? Doctor Phil? Oprah, perhaps?

  13. sneauxman says:

    A manager in my keeper league just offered up an injured Sizemore for Ibanez straight up to another manager in the league (I’m not involved, just know the details through loose lips). I think the choice is obvious if you’re not going to contend this year. Which side do you take if you’re playing for this year? I still like the Sizemore side.

  14. John says:

    seems like an over the top response from raul when you read the article, but not when you realize how the article’s suggestion was probably related to him by the reporter.

    anyway, hilarious!

  15. jbatkins says:

    @sneauxman: Maybe the scoring in my league is different from yours and other leagues, but Ibanez is currently the highest scoring player in our format. I don’t see why everyone thinks he’s going to fall off the earth – none of his stats suggest he’s in line for a monumental fall. He’s been steady for the past 5 years, but on crummy teams in pitchers’ parks. Now in a lethal lineup in a hitters’ park, he’s finally playing out of his mind. No, he won’t keep this up, but I will say this: Grady Sizemore will not be able to see Raul Ibanez from where he is at the end of the year. In a non-keeper league, that trade is a no-brainer. (In a keeper league however, like you originally described, unless Ibanez is the piece you need to win this year, you’ve got to hold onto Sizemore there).

  16. jerkstore says:

    @nmdunkel: who would you rather punch in the face – ken rosenthal or craig sager and his bright pink blazers? at some point don’t these guys have to look themselves in the mirror and say “i’m a grown man and i’m a sideline reporter … like hannah storm”

  17. jbatkins says:

    @jerkstore: I think Craig Sager does look in the mirror, before every game… and he says to himself, “You’re pretty Craig. You’re pretty, dammit!”

  18. Rudy,

    I thought that KC, of the Sunshine Band, was a coke addict, not a smack user, if I remember my “Behind the Music”‘s correctly……

    Just be thankful Mr. Ibanez did not offer to provide sperm to test in addition to his hair, blood, urine, and stool.

  19. nmdunkel says:

    @ jerkstore: at least sager was funny.

  20. PhillyYorker says:

    Please, someone accuse Raul of something else. DUDE IS A MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!! METS CAN SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Now back to Razzball commenter witticism.

  21. jbatkins says:

    Am I the only one excited to see the Tommy Hanson-Matt Wieters showdown tomorrow? Getcha popcorn ready!

  22. big o says:

    as always , inter-league play is all about A ‘s /giants .
    go A ‘s .

  23. big o says:

    over/under on jack cust’s HRs for the series is 3 .

    just big o kayin’ .

  24. Grey

    Grey says:

    @big o: I hope you’re not putting money on that. The Giants have the Merkin.

  25. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:

    @Rudy Gamble: Great stuff, Rudy. Although not born in KC, Lester Young spend much of his life in the city; I believe that his drugs of choice were alcohol and opium.

    If you ever get a chance to go to KC, visit the Jazz Museum, which is directly across from the Negro Hall of Fame Museum. Then down the block, catch several eateries offering down-home southern cooking. You can also catch a game at Royals stadium – when I went several years ago, the tickets were amazingly inexpensive, but since they revamped the park, they probably upped the price.

  26. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:

    word – Negro Baseball hall of fame

  27. Aaron Pil says:

    Rosenthal was awful, what was that about? Did he even read the article?

  28. @Paulie Allnuts: Thanks. Would love to go to KC if only to eat some BBQ….do they have something like Amos Otis’s Rib Shack @ Kaufman Stadium like Boog Powell (Camden Yards), Orlando Cepeda (SF), and Randy Jones? (San Diego)? Maybe Hal McRae Designated Hit BBQs? Willie Wilson’s Addicting BBQ?

  29. @Aaron Pil: Yeah, Rosenthal came off sanctimonious. The reason people read a blog like MidwestSportsFans is because they deliver a different product than ‘proper journalism’. Stattier, funnier, franker, etc. Who wants to read a blog post that’s a wannabe newspaper article?

  30. Jeff says:

    So your saying he’s just like Josh Hamilton! Oh, I get it now.
    Great article. Wll written.

  31. Paulie Allnuts

    Paulie Allnuts says:

    @Rudy Gamble: When I went, the stadium was a dump, and there was less variety of food choices then at the minor league parks I visit in NJ. But since they refurbished and renamed the ball park, they have added many new food choices, including “…All-Star BBQ, which will feature a full array of Kansas City-style barbecue options such as burnt ends, ribs and brisket.” I wasn’t particularly impressed with Boog’s joint, although he is easy to talk with, and signed my hat.

    BTW, the story you covered had a blurb in the NY Post yesterday. Ibanez states that the Blog statement is bogus, with this quote “I’ll give up every single dime I have if I test positive and he can put it up against his job.”and further “it was done by a blogger, not a journalist; not a person that did homework.” I doubt that he read the article at Midwest Sports Fans, and as you mentioned, it is rather detailed, and does not make any charges of steroid use, only making the statement that the use cannot be ruled out. Unfortunately, any player who makes a substantial statistical jump, especially at age 37, will be subject to scrutiny. It isn’t as if any ballplayer has been remotely truthful until their back was to the wall. At any rate, I picked him up on one of my teams, for the simple reason that he was going to play in Philly. I’m surprised at the results of the analysis – whenever I go to Philly, balls seem to fly out of the park at a ridiculous rate.

  32. steroid boy says:

    This guys built like 16 year old computer nerd. His forearms are the size of my wrists. His responses are just like the other 140 baseball players that have been found to have taken PEDs.

    This guys is on something. He is no Pujols, hes a little boy!!!

Comments are closed.