For the third time in his brief but illustrious career, Mike Trout, the one they call the fish, has produced dongage [Jay’s Note: What word is that Tehol?] on his born day. He’s still well short of my record, as I’ve now delivered dongage on 25 consecutive birthdays, including a quad-donging back in 1999. Maaaaan, you really should have seen me in my prime, downing two dozen raw oysters a day, along with a set of steel flutes that would make Van Damme do splits, and had me delivering dongage like Barry Bonds on the juice… But enough about me, I’m just filling in for Dan Pants and Grey the Elder God, and since Grey titled my first ever Razzball post “The One They Call the Fish,” I thought it only right to pay homage to my one true savior and favorite writer. Grey must be busy trying to track Domonic Brown down for an interview for the podcast he’s never invited me on. Laaaaawd, that boy is hotter than fish grease and carrying me on his broad shoulders as we speak (write?). Anyway, here’s what else I witnessed yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Clayton Kershaw — Damn son, Clayton just delivered a Rounda Rousey roundhouse kick to my hairless bean bag in terms of my DFS hopes. The Elder God blessed Kershaw gave up a lead-off jack pipe to Polanco after hucking 37 consecutive scoreless innings and ended up getting knocked around a bit for 9 hits and a couple walks. Not what big daddy Beddict was looking for. SHAME! SHAME! (Ring.)
Carlos Gonzalez — Get out the mustard and the rye bread, because Cargo hit a go ahead grand salami off the demoted and seemingly gelded Drew Storen… I’m also severely blazed and have the muchies like a son of a bizz. Rudy, the other Elder God, has Cargo as a top-5 player in his ROS player rankings… Being that I just traded for him, that makes me happier than Nicolas Cage finding out his P.O.S. son went a year without getting curb stomped. Say one thing for Nic Cage, his son is the biggest tool I’ve ever witnessed.
Robert Osuna — Is this guy owned in 40% of ESPN leagues yet? I haven’t been this confused since Jean Dujardin won the Academy award for best actor in that silent flick. Where has dude been by the way? This dude and Adrien Brody fell off like a bad bag of dope. But seriously, I’m confused as to how Osuna hasn’t been added everywhere. The Blue Jays are arguably the best team in baseball right now, and get this guys/gals, THE GUY IS A HOG! Playboy just pitched a perfect 9th en route to his ninth save, lowering his ERA to a glorious 2.17. Get with the program my goodmen!
J.D. Martinez — Martinez hit his 30th yack job of the season, officially earning 2015’s “steal of the draft” award. How many of you attempted to sell high on the kid? I can’t blame you, as it sounds like something Beddict would do, but wow, it huuuuuuuuuuurts. Bend over and take it with no Vaseline is what I always say.
Nick Markakis — Why do the Elder Gods punish me so? Markakis has been treating me like gerbils treat Richard Gere’s corn hole for the entire week, and frankly, I can’t take much more. The one random player Atlanta decided to sign in free agency is hitting .333 over the past week, including his SECOND homer and 3-for-4 night on Friday. Seriously though, what happened to this guy’s power? Nicolas has gone limper than Dr. Ben Carson’s commander-in-chief aspirations.
R.A. Dickey — The Blue Jays could win it all if Dickey continues on this path, giving them the legit #2 hog they so desperately need. Shout out to Sky for advising on starting the Dickster in DFS for Friday, AT THE YANKEES of all places. With seven succulent innings of one run ball, Dick won Sky’s loyal readers a whole pile o’ guap on Friday. Legendary status… Now if only I had listened. Ughhhh.
Ar-Ab- The ethering of Meek Mill’s career continues as Philadelphia’s top goon, Ar-Ab, took him to task on a haunting, “Back-to-Back” freestyle. I’m honest to the Gods concerned someone is going to end up getting body-bagged as Ab is literally the most frightening rapper I’ve ever witnessed, and has actually gone to jail for shooting people with actual guns. Meek continues to tour the country on his girl’s tour, throwing out lame diss attempts towards Drake and Ar-Ab in front of a crowd that is 90 percent female. In other words, the “Barbz” he is speaking to care nothing for the rap beef, and more than likely have no clue what he’s even speaking about. Meanwhile, in his home town, a squad of the grimiest savages I’ve had the pleasure of seeing on YouTube are gearing up for an all out war. If you haven’t heard the track, listen HERE. My favorite line from the whole song goes like “I wonder who gon help when the Mack pour, I heard Nicki f*ck you with a strap on.” Yeesh! If you don’t care for rap music, I’ll be discussing Celine Dion in next week’s post. If you live for rap beef, as I do, let’s play ball!
Randal Grichuk — Who needs Matt Holliday, when you have this young meat to fill your buns? How much would could a Grichuk chuck if a Grichuck could chuck wood? A LOT! This young stallion just parked his 14th lawn job of the year and is hitting a sterling .346 over the past week. Superstar potential.
Jimmy Rollins — Old man Jimmy is heating up ya’ll, and if you’re suffering at the shortstop position, I’d grab this ancient warrior ASAP. Rollins went 3-for-4 with a free pass and a swiped bag last night, and his success is key in getting the Dodgers a World series ring and proving that trading away the young cheetah Dee Gordon wasn’t a disgraceful mistake. So what if he’s old enough to get the senior discount at the movie theatre? Big bruh can still rake!
Rusney Castillo — After letting me down for the entire season (more than the last 50 Vince Vaughn flicks), Castillo has caught fire in August, hitting a Ted Williams like .400 after going 3-for-5 last night. With the Red Sox season sitting in a Shaq dump-filled clogged toilet, Boston needs to see what they paid for and the Cuban is delivering like a meth’d out Dominos driver. Mookie Betts will be returning soon, but I’d guess that just means Jackie Bradley Jr. is sent back to the hole he’s been cowering in for the last two years.
Jorge Soler — Another Cuban that has let us down all season is beginning to catch flames, granted with almost no power to speak of. Still, I’ll take what I can get and I suggest you pick him up for the stretch run. Soler went 2-for-3 with a walk and 2 RBI yesterday, giving me faith that he’s starting to see the ball better, and we all know the power is in there lurking like a pot roast fart that’s been marinating in Roseanne’s sphincter for a couple hours.
Kyle Schwarber — Oh, you know, just another 2-for-5 day with 2 runs, 2 RBI, and a stolen base… just for fun. With Kris Bryant coming softer than Bob Dole without his Viagra, Schwarber has taken it upon himself to lead the Cubs to glory. I don’t see any way they take him out of the lineup at this point, and double kudos points if you rostered him and kept him (even with Montero’s impending return).
Domonic Brown—THE GOD IS BACK!!!! WE ARE ALL WITNESSES!
Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? I’d like to thank Grey for allowing me to attempt on filling Dan Pants’ incredibly large shoes this weekend, and note that after seeing Grey rap yesterday in his column, I’ve become incredibly inspired:
Grey the Elder, he’s the best writer, pound for pound
He’s got a d!ck like a basset hound
Serving 100 mile an hour heat from the pitchers mound
Any chick he wants, he just bends her over and gives her the pound
He shares this with Rudy, but his booty’s he likes juicy, and they gotta be nice and round
The White Tupac, he gets around
After we hit the Playboy Mansion there were many rumors abound
I think we had every girl there,screaming our names, and hell yea, we like that sound
I hope I’ve done enough to receive an invite back or even a guest spot on the podcast… But you’ve got to be realistic about these things. Catch me in the football section twice a week and as co-host for the Razzball fantasy football podcast with my Jedi-master, Obi-Wan KaJayWrong. Have a blessed weekend.
