For next year’s All-Star Game:  The best of the AL and NL will face off against just ex-Mets players. Maybe they can get Steven Matz (4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 8.20) to pitch the Home Run Derby too. He’s useless otherwise. Oh, don’t worry, Matz is a great 2nd half pitcher, so wait until you see him around September 1st. Wrong city transpo line and total mixed metaphor, but the Nats T’d off on Matz like they were his daddy and Asdrubal Cabrera (4-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer) was in charge of doling out the punishment. Then Juan Soto (3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer) was the uncle who came in to tell Asdrubal that the Mets had enough, only to wait until no one was looking and lay a noogie on them himself. Then, as Sexy Dr. Pepper left the room, he tagged in Treat Urner (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer) who laid all 155 pounds of himself into them. If the Mets ever let Pete Alonso go, he might be the first to hit five homers in a game. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Stephen Strasburg – Says his hand isn’t 100%. Sounds like something Terry Francona should say too.

Marcus Stroman – Opted out of the 2020 season. Here’s to my 2021 Marcus Stroman sleeper posts already being written!

Spencer HowardPhillies are preparing Howard and Velasquez to both start Friday. So many new rules this year, now two starters can go at once.

Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Phils jumped out to a huge early lead and Nola coasted out to the Ivictory Coast for a night stay at the W.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .303. That home run was dedicated to the Phanatic and that big ol’ green butt.

Jean Segura – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting 1st homer. So far Jean has been as silent as the 1920s movie star he sounds like he was named after.

Didi Gregorius – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .263. Phils really took to Newcomb literally.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Some guys who I wish I owned irritate me when they do well, but I never would own a top catcher, so I couldn’t care less when one does well. Get yours, Jerry Tomato.

Sean Newcomb – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 11.20, and booted from the Braves’ rotation. Since I have so many teams, I honestly didn’t remember if I owned Newcomb. I would, wasn’t sure if I did. So I went through all my fantasy teams to make sure I didn’t have Sean Newcomb and, while doing that, it felt like I was in a horror film running past the front door to go upstairs. Thankfully, it was merely a cat jumping out of the closet. False alarm. Whew. The Braves need a starter for Wednesday, then maybe five days from now with Newcomb discarded like an Oldcomb. I have Bryse Wilson in one league (deep NL-Only), and they have Chacin, Faultysandwitz, Ian Anderson, Tomlin, literally, you name it.

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .400. Someone put Ted Williams’s frozen head on the counter to start defrosting it; The French Terminator is making his play at .400.

Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .167. Can homeboy cut his Ks by like 5%? He is miserable to own.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 6th homer. This Story’s stretching out the “happily ever after.”

Charlie Blackmon – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .484. He’s going to hit .500 this year, isn’t he? Better leave out Ted Williams’s frozen head out and put earmuffs on him.

Chris Owings – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Grey with the batty call! Someone light me a cigarette. That was sweet — was it a beedi? Also, it is still insane that Owings is not only getting at-bats, but playing more than Tapia and Hilliard.

Jon Gray – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.41 vs. Robbie Ray – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 10.59. Robbie Ray/Jon Gray is January 2020’s hope and potential of a new year vs. what the last five months have been.

Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he hits leadoff. Been saying for a week to pick up Calhoun, and now he’s in Coors? Echoing chef’s kiss.

Nick Ahmed – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 steals (1, 2). Here’s a pro tip in daily leagues, just pick up anyone who is playing in Coors.

Madison Bumgarner – Hit the 10-day IL with a mid-back strain. His back was hurt carrying the blame for his 87 MPH fastball.

C.J. Cron – Left last night’s game with a knee injury. It happened off a ninja ground ball that felled him, so Norris had to save the day.

JaCoby Jones – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, an inside-the-park home run that was gifted by Adam Engel, the White Sox center fielder. This comes after Eloy gifted an inside-the-park homer last week to Yelich. Did Oprah buy her hometown team?

Niko Goodrum – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Now has three big games in the last four. Ya know what goes with a hot schmotato? Goodrum.

Sean Manaea – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 9.00. Going on three starts where I’ve said some variation of, “How can it be that I can tell Manaea isn’t right and needs to be shut down but the A’s can’t tell?” And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Matt Chapman – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. Told you a Matt on the A’s would break out! *slowly backs out of the room, but backs into room filled with Matt Olson owners, dodges tomato*

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .143. Manaea is such a mess he’s giving up homers to Rendon. Woof.

Mike Trout – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .333. Is this guy new, not sure I’ve heard of him before.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I was thinking if Ohtani was good enough in this short season, Angels might come to their senses and only have him hit next year, but he’s had a good year with the bat before and it didn’t matter.

Joe Kelly – Placed on the 10-day IL the same day he went to appeal his 8-game suspension. I take back everything I said about the Dodgers being smart on how to manage their pitchers and fake IL stints. They could’ve just let him serve his suspension while he rested his shoulder. That’s a Grade 1 Brain Strain.

Dustin May – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.75. This Giant Human Carrot is a joy to watch, but losing to a Padres’ bullpen game makes me a very hungry rabbit.

Garrett Richards – Pushed back and now likely won’t be a two-start starter. Speaking of which, have there been any two-start starters this year? You gotta really be living right to avoid all cancelled games and get starts in the year 2020.

Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Meh, pretty whatever start, but it was a tough matchup. Real star of the Brewers’ pitching yesterday was Freddy Peralta coming into relief and throwing 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60. You’d think the Brewers had the 90s Braves pitching rotation to not find room for Peralta.

Keston Hiura – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .268. Not sure if you saw his homer, but he pulled an outside slider he A) Had no business hitting. B) Hit it nearly 400 feet. C) There’s no C.

Luis Urias – 1-for-4, 1 run, as he was activated from the Covid IL, and now could become the Brewers’ shortstop and show everyone really why it was so dumb to trade away Trent Grisham for him.

Randy Dobnak – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.90. Podcaster Ralph and I talk at length on today’s podcast that’s coming later today (I think) about Dobnak. We both agreed that Streamonator not liking him ever makes sense, because his strikeouts are the same as his Uber rating, around 5.

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .211. Was the only damage against Houser, but it still counts as they say at the calculator factory.

Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.10. Truly incredible how everyone was pulling for Lance McCullers to throw a no hitter. All I saw last night was people saying no hitter repeatedly. Doing whatever they could by repeating no hitter no hitter no hitter. Over and over. That’s how you get good luck with a no hitter, right? Honestly, when he was pitching a no hitter all I could think about was, “Please don’t hold the Giants to no hits today so they’re due tomorrow when I stream Bielak.”

Austin Slater – 2-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (4), hitting .333. You don’t even want to know where Austin Slater is on the Player Rater. It’ll just piss you off. Let’s just say I did grab him in one league.

Donovan Solano – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .458. Welp, he’s Tony Gwynn Jr. Jr., so there’s that.

Kyle Lewis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .373. They said Kyle Lewis cooled off. I say your thermometer is on Celsius and you thought it was Fahrenheit.

Dylan Moore – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .333. If you look at exit velocity on Statcast, it says, “It’s way too early to glean anything here, don’t you have other stuff to do?” But if you look past that pop-up warning, Dylan Moore is killing the ball, and should be owned in all leagues.

Kyle Seager – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .297. I know it makes no sense to own a bunch of M’s but we’re playing a 60-game season in the middle of a pandemic. What makes sense?

Derek Dietrich – Signed by the Rangers. Out da box, Dietrich is better than Odor, yay or nah? 100% yay, rightskis? …Sorry, I was having this surfer I met at a longboard shop write this blurb. Didn’t work out.

Kyle Gibson – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.11. Ugh, usually he doesn’t go sideways until Paso’s the 5th inning.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .233. Finally. Just Dong has been more like Just Do.

Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-0, 1 run, hitting .056. He needs a new team, like, say, one in Japan.

Charlie Morton – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. My guess is he’s not right all year. As they say at Western Union, don’t shoot the messenger.

Manuel Margot – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. You don’t think Kevin Cash would bench someone after a four-hit night? You don’t know Kevin Cash.

Ryan Yarbrough – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.71. I had such high hopes for Yarbrough. Apparently, it screws him up to start a game. I’d fall back on the Streamonator for Yarbrough now, and it doesn’t like his next one.

Clint Frazier – Called up by the Yankees to act as a 4th outfielder and a reflective shield for the sun. In deeper leagues, I can see adding him, but the Yankees have never shown any inclination they would play Frazier regularly. Weird, because ginger makes me regular.

Mike Clevinger – Won’t start Tuesday because he also violated protocols by going out to party with Plesac. We need an 8-part 30 for 30 for this season, and I can’t wait for the episode about when the Indians go to The Floozy Trumpet for wings and things.