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Max Meyer is being called up. *does a highly-choreographed handshake with self that ends with me miming putting food in my mouth* We eating tonight! Three of the last four on Itch’s prospect stash list was Esteury Ruiz, Vinnie Pasquantino and Max Meyer. With Meyer’s promotion, they’ll all be up. Where you at, Miguel Vargas?! I already gave you a Max Meyer fantasy when it appeared like he’d be called up in May. Then he was sidetracked with an injury, but he’s healthy now and, like I said, we’re eating! Will he stay up if Edward Cabrera or Luzardo get healthy? If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d be diabetic squirrels. Meyer might be good for another 50-60 IP, which is nearly a full 2nd half, I grabbed him in my 15-team mixed league immediately, then hemmed-and-hawed for fifteen minutes, and finally grabbed him in my 12-team mixed RCL, too, but we’ll see if I hold him there. Pitchers are pretty plentiful to be holding a possible roofie. He could be the best starter call-up we see this year. *mimes filling a dog bowl, puts it by feet, gets on knees and sticks face in bowl* We eating! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Berti – Stole his 28th bag, then was replaced, due to *sobs loudly* injury. Please don’t be hurty, Mr. Berti! He was diagnosed with a minor groin. Dot dot dot. *pulls collar* Strain. Seems like something that might knock him out until right after the break.

Braxton Garrett – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Mr. Garrett teaching the Pirates The Facts of Life. Meant to stream him, due to the Streamonator, but didn’t realize the game started so gee-dee early.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. He’s super fun to watch, and I really believe there’s more here that we’re not seeing yet. Big-time power in his bat. With that said (Grey’s about to 180 on everything), he’s been a snooze to roster so far.

Andres Gimenez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 1st homer since June. He’s currently right on the edge of the top 100 on the Player Rater, and I found myself struggling with where to put him in my top 100 for the 2nd half, saying to myself, literally, “And…Gim?” It’s the problem with a top 100, there’s more guys to rank after that need to be omitted, so it always raises questions like, “Where’s (player’s name)?” Any hoo! The top 100 for the 2nd half is currently on the Patreon, and will be up next week during the break.

Triston McKenzie – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Wasn’t it around this time last year that Triston McKenzie’s value peaked, we were piqued, and then we did a massive “Oh no”s dive? Fine! I can actually google it! Yes! Geez. So, last year, it was a brilliant August from McKenzie when he was at his most, uh, august. The Strong Bean might peak mid-to-late summer, but he’s been solid all year — 8.5 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 4.15 xFIP. As you can see, McStickzie is overperforming with his ERA, but, with this better command, he can stay respectable.

Elvin Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 10.04. This guy reminded me of something, whatever happened to Eduardo Rodriguez? He left a note on the Tigers’ table and took off like Meryl Streep in Kramer vs. Kramer.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Was reported that the doctors aren’t in agreement on his swing progression. Starting to get Tatis health report fatigue — Fatisgue? Tatisgue? His health this year is already a Tatis accompli? I don’t know. None of this is encouraging or clear.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (9) and legs (4), hitting .192. If this were the end of April, I’d be more excited for Grisham than a housewife looking for a beach book. Now, as we stare down the 2nd half, I must ask, “Was Grisham ever good?” The Brewers supposedly got taken in the trade of Grisham for Urias and Lauer, and, I am once again asking, are we sure the Padres won that trade?

Esteury Ruiz – 1-for-4, 1 run, and his 1st steal. Yeah, he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I’ve been screaming about him for the last three days.

Blake Snell – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.22. Blake Snell became the slapdick prospect he once mocked.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Extreme Veruca Salt voice, “Dansby, whoever heard of a Dansby!”

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 3rd game in a row with a homer. Walking into the mall fountain, wearing waders, with a net, fishing out all the “wish coins.” Mall cop comes by and asks me what I’m doing, and I calmly explain, “I will put all the coins back in but as the new wish: Matt Olson will continue to be hot after the break and not cool off with the games off.”

Michael Harris II – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. About to start petitioning dot org that Harris II get moved to leadoff instead of Acuña II, and Acuña II get moved to II, and Dansby to III, and Olson to V, even though that hurts my Olson shares. It’s the right thing II do.

Josh Bell – 2-for-5 and his 13th homer. He was the other guy, besides Ian Happ, who actually got better this year. And there’s a third one. No guesses? Lame.

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.96, as he moves his record to 10-1. Gonna go out on a 175-year-old tree limb that’s petrified and unable to break to say, when I picked up a free Tyler Anderson in my NL-Only leagues, he’s earned back his value.

Gavin Lux – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s taken Lux 88 games what Corey Seager’s done in the past four games. In related news, the Dodgers have a 10-game lead in 1st, even with the Lux tax.

Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Mentioned last week that I grabbed Kutter in 15-team mixed leagues. My next course of action will be 12-team mixed leagues. You’ve been served…with info! Is that a thing? Do people say that? I’m questioning myself in a mirror right now.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer.”Devers us from evil,” I say to the priest I meet who’s wearing a Devers jersey.

Shane Baz – Hit the IL with an elbow sprain. Nice things? Not meant for us. It’s kinda uncanny how a great pitcher pitches poorly and it’s almost always A) Mechanics. B) Injury. C) There’s no C.

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Whenever I get more than 4 2/3 IP from a Rays starter, I feel like I should send a personal thank you note to Kevin Cash.

Sonny Gray – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.71. The only support Gray got was from a home run by Garlick, which is ironic, because garlic activates my IBS and so did this start by Gray.

Luis Robert – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, and is he going to get cold during the break like Matt Olson too? Can all my hot players just keep playing? I don’t pay fake dollars for these guys to do nothing!

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Kinda hate to see Vaughn homer for his playing time. Now La Russa’s gotta bench him. Sorry, I don’t make up the rules.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.80. This is what Lance Lynn is supposed to be doing!

Reid Detmers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.11. The resident Angels sucker–I mean fan!–Coolwhip said Detmers looked better; his slider was “fixed.” I didn’t watch any of the start, and Coolwhip did, so take it with a salt grain that I’d still rely on the Streamonator for Detmers.

Dennis Santana – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.29, and 8 ER in the last 1 2/3 IP. Can I just point out the painfully obvious thing that the Rangers’ pen started to suck once they removed Joe Barlow from the closer role for no reason?

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .268. Albombso!

Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .275. Extreme Lauryn Hill voice, “Might lose some, Nimmo just found one!”

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Random anecdotal prediction based on nothing alert! Carrasco feels like the type to get better with a week off for the break, for at least a few weeks after the break.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.87. I was pretty curious to see Pratto, Pasquantino, Witt Jr., and other ragtag Royals, so I watched most of this start, and Gausman’s lucky he didn’t give up another three-plus runs.

Angel Zerpa – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.29, in his 2nd career start. Zerpa sounds like an Italian criminal from the 1930s that my grandfather would’ve said, “He gave us Italians a bad name. That Zerpa.” Any hoo! Zerpa’s 22 years old, so the Royals won’t put him in their rotation seriously until he turns 26.

Nick Pratto – 0-for-3 as he was recalled because the Royals lost half their team to “research.” The entire Royals team looks like the MLB lockout is here again, as all their profile pics are “drawn-on ghost faces.” I only mention Pratto because he’s the most intriguing call-up. He had 17 HRs, 8 SBs and .240 in Triple-A, and a bulging strikeout rate. Vinnie P. passed him in development and Pratto now appears to have a contact issue. Might be a fun weekend flyer though if you wanna gamble.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4 and a slam (13) and legs (17). To Witt, the Royals don’t need that other Whit.

Nate Eaton – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. The unfunny funny thing about the Royals is they call up all these guys that appear good on paper, then you’re like, “Wait a minute, how old is this guy?” Eaton has power and speed, went 13/19 in Double-A and Triple-A this year, but he’s 25 and the Royals don’t even play Olivares.

Elier Hernandez – 2-for-3, 1 run as the Rangers called up their prospect, who can best be described as “the singular Elieser Hernandez.” Elier had 11 homers, nine steals and hitting .295 as a 27-year-old in Triple-A, so he was hitting (on his teammates’ mothers).

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Not just playing baseball, but Castillo is taking part in a fun side game: How many runs can the Reds’ pen give to the other team to help Castillo get a no decision? Yesterday’s side game was won by guessing five runs.

Nestor Cortes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.63. This guy looks like the biggest nerd and I love him even more because of that. I just wanna noogie his head and thank him for his pitching.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 31st homer. He’s not even on pace for 60 homers. That and a buzzcut isn’t gonna get you a visit from the Maris family.

Gleyber Torres – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .273. I just saw this so now you have to, as well: Joey Gallo (0-for-3) is batting .164.

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. This guy is the best thing to happen to mustaches since me.

Luis Severino – Hit the IL with shoulder tightness. Yanks said he will miss at least one start. Guessing they meant to say “one year,” but I guess it’s free to be optimistic. Optimistic and dopey, but optimistic.

Tyler Wade – Yankees brought him back in a trade with the Angels. Tyler Wade is the Rob Schneider to Aaron Judge’s Adam Sandler. No one knows why he likes him, but he does and it’s his show.