USA Today may no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

Is it 2018 already? Where does the time go? I woke up a month ago and thought it was 2011 and remembered I was just about to interview Bill Cosby when he gave me an aspirin…anyway, I am back on Razzball to share some tidbits on life and fantasy baseball…. Sorry to hear about Nicky Delmonico’s shoulder injury as the only thing I like better than the cut of his jib is the cut of New York Strip at his father’s steakhouse… I don’t follow the Giants as closely since they left New York but it looks like that Mel Anson guy they got closing has his great grandfather Cap’s gumption…Hats off to Derek Jeter for retiring in Florida and downsizing the Marlins’ possessions… Now that the Cubs and Astros have broken their World Series streaks, I think the trend continues in 2018 with the Cleveland Spiders… If Tyler Flowers was a plant, he’d be a cactus because his value is set to spike… The most underrated part of Mike Trout’s game is his smile… Whenever I see a Cuban sandwich I think of Luis Tiant because he gave opposing hitters heartburn…. If you are ever in St. Louis, you should see a Cardinals game… If Maalox worked as fast as Mallex Smith, I would eat more dairy…Does anyone else accidentally call the Mariners new centerfielder Dee Gordon Liddy…. I may only have hair in the wrong places but the only wrong place to put Dan Haren is off your Twitter follow list…If Corey Seager was a pickle, he’d be a bread & butter…I’m glad the name Shmooly has come back around. I hope the Astros’ first sacker’s hambone injury clears up quickly… Can you believe Roseanne’s coming back? Tom Arnold must be glad he got that tattoo!…  I think Clayton Kershaw has earned enough respect in the league to be called Lefty…. Jose Altuve is much taller in person… The only thing that Sean Doolittle refuses to close is his mind… Call me nostalgic, but I’m excited to be able to pay for things with bits and coins again… Aaron Boone is named after two of my favorite players – Hank Aaron and Bob Boone… The worst part of pants is nothing… If Joey Gallo was a mainstream wine brand, he’d be a Mondavi because his best stuff is out of the park… My favorite therapy animal for flights is a Dodger Dog… You would think there’d be more 20/20 players these days since contact lens have gotten so good… It is fitting that Shohei Ohtani is playing in Anaheim because his miso soup is angelic…. The most aptly named players in baseball are the friendly Didi Gregorius, the priceless Paul Goldschmidt, and the colorful Charlie BlackmonMax Scherzer reminds me of Max Schmeling. I wouldn’t want to face either of them unless I was in Joe Louis’s body… If Carl Edwards Jr. was a west coast hamburger chain, he’d be In ‘N Out because he gets hitters out so fast… I hope the humidor in Chase Field doesn’t impact A.J. Pollock’s dry sense of humor…. If there was a vaccine to protect against Brandon McCarthy’s wit, I wouldn’t take it… I wish Kansas City Royal Jorge Bonifacio was more like Hollywood Royalty Ralph Macchio and relied on PATs instead of PEDs…I would pay to watch a film where Hugh Jackman plays Logan Morrison… When the ageless Adrian Beltre retires, he deserves a gravestone in the Ballpark in Arlington Cemetery… The only thing as gritty and productive as a healthy Adam Eaton is Metamucil… Vladimir Guerrero was so dedicated to hitting that he didn’t have time to come up with a new name for his son… Predictions for this baseball season, lots of close games!

  1. knucks says:

    Whoa whoa whoa was this post sponsored by Russian state run media? How has Spring Training in Saint Petersburg, Larry? Winds a bit chilly off the Baltic?

  2. Bob says:

    Well that was a waste of 90 seconds

  3. Bill Hodgeman says:

    I thought this was fantastic!

  4. Raj says:

    Well done, I would happily be stuck in a traffic jam with you.

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