USA Today may no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….
It’s 2011 and I haven’t been more excited to start a fantasy baseball season since Babe Ruth gained OF eligibility….I’d like to pass Miguel Cabrera some advice I once got from Ann Margaret at Art Garfunkel’s ‘Carnal Knowledge‘-themed New Year’s party – “Easy there, Tiger”…My friend Tony Gugliotta from Brooklyn is drafting J.P. Arencibia because he reminds him of his favorite pasta sauce. Guess he’s saying ciao to Francisco Cervelli…..The Angels sure like fishing for talent…first Tim Salmon, now Mike Trout….if I was playing in front of an Angels scout, I’d change my name to Larry Gefilte….My good friend Fred Wilpon is no sucker, but if he was, he’d be a Charms….Since when did the Braves start playing in Atlanta?….Whenever I hear the song ‘Deep in the Heart of Texas’, I think of Michael Young….Whenever I see LOL I think of Mickey Lolich’s boisterous laugh…My wife and I play this game where we use a rhyming baseball player’s name for a word like ‘Not Robb Nen’ for ‘Not again’ or ‘Joel Skinner time’ for ‘Dinner time’…..Boy does she hate it when I say ‘Something smells funny in my Duane Kuiper’….Dontrelle Willis might not be a major-league caliber pitcher anymore but he’s an all-star gentleman in my book….The guy who invented WHIP must have been as smart as one….I’m afraid to leave my door open this Passover seder in fear that Elijah Dukes will come and eat all the horseradish….Why do you wear a tie to eat French food but you don’t wear a beret to eat Thai food?….I would consider trading in my suspenders for San Francisco 1B prospect Brandon Belt….I feel for Yankee fans as I know how it feels to put your faith in a damaged Colon….I think Eat Pray Love was just one shower scene away from an Oscar nomination….How would we know if a switch-hitter was actually identical twins?…You can’t spell Will Venable without winable….I had dinner last night with Oriole/Angel great Doug DeCinces – he’s such a stand-up guy that all the letters in his last name should be capitalized….I already miss Bobby Cox and Joe Torre. I pitched MLB.com a talk show with the two of them called Cox-Torre and they were a-giggle at the possibilities…How come Subway doesn’t carry pumpernickel bread?…If you combined Don Sutton’s perm with new HOFer Bert Blyleven’s beard, you’d have one sexy man….The Padres may have Cantu but, with Chone Figgins and Brendan Ryan, the Mariners have “can do”….Did you hear about this high school pitcher with two artificial legs….if heart were legs, he’d be a caterpillar….You have to figure that either Roy Halladay or Roy Oswalt is named after Brooklyn Dodger great Roy Campanella, right?…Who’d have thought there’d be three catchers named Molina before the next Yogi?…I won’t wear fur but I’d make an exception for Minka Kelly…I think Matt Stairs is a professional human being…If you don’t think Angel owner Cesar Romero made a wise move by trading for the incomparable Vernon Wells then the joke is on you….I wish I could change wives as quickly as Javier Vazquez changes teams….Great joke I heard from my pal Morty – what does the Reds first baseman and Angie Dickinson have in common…they both make you say Votto-voom!
