Greetings! Tis I, the original Night King, only dragon glass cannot harm me, my friends, oh no. Only the rejection from the one I love can defeat me, and sadly, that seems to be happening as I type this miserable column. Look how much Euron had to go through just to smash an already pregnant, on-the-way-out Queen. May the Seven have mercy, holy mother of Albright! I suppose I can’t criticize the situation too harshly, for I find myself in a similar predicament at the time of this writing; sending poetry, gifts, showing public displays of affection via instagram, seemingly all for naught. Euron really went full on Fred Durst and did it all for the Nookie, for he must know Cersei’s chances of keeping control of the iron throne are about as slim as George R.R. Martin finishing the Winds of Winter before ole boy kicks the bucket. You’ve got to be realistic about these things. Shoot, and his manipulation even paid off, whereas my situation is true love and I just don’t have what it takes to win her over. Maybe I lost my touch, or maybe I need to go back to the old me. Either way, Euron opened my eyes like I was the Three-Eyed Raven on molly this Sunday eve, and I sense some changes in my life will occur by the time your Sunday Funday given bloodshot eyes read this.
Below, I’ll touch on parts of the season premiere that stood out to me and also talk some of what we’ve seen so far in the first couple weeks of fantasy baseball. Both happen to be some of my absolute favorite things and I believe I was the FIRST fantasy writer to ever combine the two subjects, but who’s really keeping track……..I hate everyone. Let’s do this!
“L-Teazy, how did you survive a knife through the heart?” Well, are you speaking of the aforementioned woman I’m supposed to gallivant with this upcoming weekend or the injuries suffered by Giancarlo Stanton and Gary Sanchez? By the Seven, Stanton wasted little time in making me look the utter fool for predicting he mash 60 plus this year, and just when Sanchez was making us all believers again, he goes down with……..”leg soreness.” Aaaaaahkay, how am I supposed to defeat the legendary Grey Albright and Ralph Lipshitz in the field of battle with two of my two key cogs going down like Greyworm, only, unlike Missandei, I’m not getting any pleasure out of this! By the Gods, I could shed actual tears if I wasn’t already cried out for having no self confidence wifing up this prize Dothraki horse goddess. Pray to the old gods and the new, both for my success and for the lightening quick return of Sanchize and Stanton. Back to Greyworm for a hot second if you please; Why is this even a storyline? Why are they wasting precious time writing up a love story for these two? There is nothing compelling about this, at least for me. Sound off in the comments if you disagree with me, but I find it to be a complete waste of time.
Speaking of wastes of time, why was Samwell Tarly so upset about his father getting turned into a mesquite bbq Pringle? The guy was a colossal douche bag, and sent Sam off to a life of no ass, no money, and no glory. Like, the mere thought of Samwell disgusted the man, but I suppose it only right a pop tart like Sam would be upset about it, I just felt it was a tad overdone and, again, I hate wasted time on this show, especially when there are such few episodes left. However, his pity party did lead him to the crypts of Winterfell, where he finally bestowed the news about Jon, that his name is not really Jon, and that he’s not really a bastard, but truthfully the true heir to the iron throne. Did anyone else believe that for a second, that Jon, errrrr, Aegon, was going to deliver Samwell a two-piece McNugget with extra honey mustard, for implying that honorable Ned wasn’t his true father? How long did it take him to realize he’s been giving his AUNT that Valerian steel as of late? I’ve always wondered what I would do if I had a super hot relative, and believe me when I tell you that…..well, never mind.
How will Dany take the news that the man that’s been riding her dragon, so to speak, is actually above her in the pecking order for the crown…..Does it really matter though? You know, when considering that even though there’s no way he serves papaya like Khal Drogo, he’s still likely to end up her King, regardless. They will rule together, much like Trump and Melania……………I can picture it now……”People of Westeros, Be Best.” In a way, they’re sort of the Mike Trout and Christian Yelich of of Game of Thrones. The other day, I was tweeting that Christian Yelich is the best player in baseball… and then I checked the stats and saw that Trout had a .460 OBP last season… that is SIXTY POINTS higher than the NL MVP, Yelich..oh, and he had three more homers and two more steals……although far less RBIS, but when considering that, you know, his team sucks Greyscale dong, that part really isn’t that shocking. My point here being that you can’ really go wrong either way, no matter who you choose. Danaerys and Jon Snow are both qualified leaders with statistics to back that, and the same goes for Yelich and Trout. What horrible timing for the Marlins, eh? It finally all came together for Yelich, the year they traded him…..Imagine what they could have gotten for him if he hit for that kind of power before. Yikes. Oh well, my money is on Danaerys becoming Queen and Jon dying for real as I’m thinking his resurrection shan’t be permanent. What do ya’ll think?
Did anyone else notice that Arya seems to be interested in Gendry’s war-hammer? I was a little taken aback and frankly, I don’t believe I’m ready for her to go down that path. Probably because she still looks to be 15 years old, although I have no clue how old she is supposed to be on the show at this point. I suppose I should give the show runners kudos, as I feel like 95 percent of the time, shows would have made Arya’s character gay, which I certainly don’t or wouldn’t have a problem with, but I like that she can be a total savage murderer and still like men. Is that wrong of me to say? I’m kind of on the edge here………Say one thing for LT, say he keeps it real. Speaking of sexuality, how insane is it that there still hasn’t been a professional athlete come out as gay? It fascinates me for some reason and I’d imagine it’s quite frustrating for the gay community. Speaking of fascinations, it absolutely blows my mind how peasant-like Evan Longoria is. I used to believe this man had perennial MVP candidate talent, and now performing like the Sand Snakes in crunch time. At 33 years of age, and hitting a peon-like .190 with one bomb, I believe it’s safe to say that Longo is absolutely washed. The Giants are a complete embarrassment and should absolutely trade Bumgarner, Belt, and whatever else they can dump at this point. Disgraceful.
Has anyone gone through an evolution quite like Jaime Lannister? Seriously, his character could write a self-help book and I’d actually purchase it. He went from attempting to kill children and piping his sister, to hero while growing an actual conscience. Ok, so he just impregnated his sister again…….., we claim progress not perfection, but, still, the man has gone from one of the most hated characters to one of the most beloved, and I don’t believe that’s up for debate. Unless of course, you want to debate it, and if that’s the case, do so below and we can joust to the death in written form. That’s what I love about Razzball; the comment section. You see, I read a bunch of articles on The Ringer, and they say a lot of dumb shizz, but when I tweet it to them, they don’t necessarily respond. Here, we can hash it out.
Felix Hernandez is much like Jaimie, only in the opposite sense. He’s gone from beloved hero, to being hungover, and getting bent over on his birthday. He simply doesn’t belong on the hill any longer. How that’s possible at 33, I don’t know, but it’s an absolute shame he wasted his entire career on the Mariners, not getting to perform on the biggest stage. I fee like that’s going to happen with Trout, as, to me, the Angels have no hope of ever contending for anything of significance in the near future. That’s why I can’t believe he signed that extension there. It actually saddens me a great deal. Woe is me……….but 400 milly isn’t so bad.
Did I miss anything? Jon rode a Dragon for the first time……….Sansa has somehow become an almost likable character after being weak for the first 5/6 seasons or so…..The little Lord Umber got pinned to a dart board man of human arms and then proceeded to take an abnormally long time to die by fire…..Chris Davis got a couple hits……Urias is terrible and I no longer have faith in him ever being a star……….Tatis is a hog and Guerrero should be up shortly……… Anything else? I’m exhausted and have to prepare for the possibility of seeing this woman this weekend. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Peace and love. Namaste.