I’m sure you remember the scene from the seemingly forgotten classic City Slickers when Curly, played masterfully by the legendary Jack Palance, tells Billy Crystal’s character, Mitch, about that “one thing” I could have sworn when watching the other day, that he was referring to fantasy baseball, because as we well know, fantasy baseball IS LIFE! Their convo went like this here:
Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is?
Curly: [holds up one finger] This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don’t mean shit.
Mitch: But, what is the “one thing?”
Curly: [smiles] That’s what *you* have to find out.
See what I’m getting at here? No? Well, try meditating on it for a couple hours and when it comes to you, you will know. Finding your groove in fantasy baseball is about finding what works for you. Are you that guy who starts a bunch of middle relievers hoping to improve your WHIP, K’s per nine, and possibly sneak a few wins (blasphemy in a points league btw)? That might be your “one thing.” Are you that guy who places starting pitchers with relief pitcher eligibility into the closer spots, thinking you will total more points this way? That could be your “one thing.” Start all mashers? “One thing.” Like a balanced lineup? Yeah, you get my drift. By the way, I hate when people play middle relievers in head to head match-ups and I truly despise when fantasy players forego closers, but hey, who am I to rank on you for what might be your “one thing?” That “one thing” is who you are as a person. You tell me what kind of fantasy baseball player you are, and you can bet I can tell what kind of human being you are right off the bat. And yes, I used the work “rank.” It’s time it was brought back wouldn’t you say? No? Ok, anyway, I’ve obviously rambled on for far too long.
What’s the point of all this? The point is that City Slickers is one of the most underrated movies of all time and filled with quotes that are easily related to some of the following players. They don’t make adult comedies anymore that are also lighthearted and fun. It’s either straight cheese ball (The Big Year) or over the top (Horrible Bosses). Can I get something with a somewhat positive story with enough adult humor so that I may enjoy my movie watching experience? I liked Horrible Bosses by the way, but you get what I’m saying and please don’t make fun of me for using the terms “lighthearted and fun.” Without further adieu, let’s get it started like your favorite band, “The Black Eyed Peas,” say.
Giancarlo Stanton – “I crap bigger than you!” G.C. must feel the same way Curly did whenever he looks at opposing pitchers, or probably anyone for that matter. When you’re a six foot 5 man-beast and on a savagely high protein diet, things get ugly. Trust me, I know. The man deserves some love. Peep these numbers as I go back a wayz: 5, 6, 5, 7, 1, 12, 3, 1, 5, 6, 4, 7, 1. Eight homers in thirteen games? Thanks Mikey! I mean Giancarlo.
Would this Prince of the long stick break the single season home run record if he played for the Yankees? Some would say it is so. This guy gives pitchers nightmares with the frequency with which Kris Humphries gives out the herp. Dynasty wise, Stanton is a top four pick. Don’t argue, just have faith in me.
Hisashi Iwakuma – Phil, played by Daniel Stern (where is he btw?), lays down these lines after continuously being punked by some cowboys with them on the cattle drive.
Phil Berquist: “I hate bullies! Because bullies don’t just bully you, they take away your dignity!” Well Iwakuma has been an absolute bully as of late, treating opposing batters like they were Feudal Japan’s 4th class between the 12th and 19th centuries. If you know nothing of Japan’s history (I’ll try not to hold it against you), the 4th class were treated as if they were dead rodents in the street, and Iwakuma is taking those dead rodents and making sashimi out of them. In other words, he’s been dominant. Not as dominant as my main man Clint was in Thursday’s speech at the RNC, but still quite special.
Here are the point totals for his past six starts: 33, -1, 17, 27, 11, 22. Pick him up while you still can, because like a young Norman, he won’t stay cute forever.
Adrian Beltre – This conversation below with Phil, Mitch, and the two African American dentists reminds me of how defensive Adrian probably is of his days playing in Seattle. I can’t blame him as it truly was a disgrace.
Phil Berquist: Where are you from?
Ben Jessup: Baltimore. We have a dental practice there.
Mitch Robbins: Really, you’re both dentists?
Steve Jessup: Yes! We’re black AND we’re dentists. Let’s not make an issue out of it.
Ben Jessup: Eh, they’re not making an issue of it. You’re making an issue of it.
Makes me imagine a convo like this between a reporter and Beltre:
Reporter: So did you like playing in Seattle?
Beltre: I told everyone it was the stadium and that I didn’t take steroids before!! SEE!!! SEE!! I still have power!! I’ve proved it!
Reporter: Did you hear Tim Kurkjian say the other day we may to start talking about you as a possible hall-of-famer?
Beltre: Possible? I NEVER INJECTED ROIDS OR HUMAN GROWTH INTO MY ASS! It was the ballpark in Seattle! Why are you making this an issue!?
Reporter: Uhh, you’re making the issue out of it.
Like George Michael at a Benihana, Beltre was flaming hot last week. Peep the numbers: 20, 10, 14, -1, -1, 13. It was Safeco field obviously, not roids……….
Let’s get to a couple of the, er, how shall I say, disappointments?
Erik Bedard – It’s been said I have the ability of clairvoyance, and I KNEW that Bedard would come back to reality after a decent beginning of the year. I KNEW he would be released. What’s that? He’s still in ur lineup? Whoops!!! I’d say the following conversation from City Slickers is a pretty good representation of Bedard’s life as of now. Fantasy-wise of course. The guy is crazy rich, has a smoking hot wife, and probably a fitness model mistress to boot.
Mitch Robbins: Your life is a do over. You’ve got a clean slate.
Phil Berquist: I got no place to live. And I’m gonna get wiped out in the divorce because I committed adultery. So, I may never see my kids again. I’m alone. How’s that slate look now?
Consecutive starts of -8 and -9 points can get you released from a major league baseball team. Why hasn’t he been dropped from your fantasy team.
Eric Hosmer – 2, 0, -1, 2, 2. More exciting numbers from “The Hoz.” I truly can’t take it anymore. This loser is the epitome of white trash. I don’t know his background or where he’s from and frankly white trash is a racist statement invented by white people to separate themselves from that group as if they are not part of their race so that they may group them with other minorities. But he’s white and he is doubtlessly trash.
Mitch Robbins: I have a roping disability.
The same can be said for Hosmer, only that he has a hitting disability instead. The man seriously may need mental help to ever get over this season. I know that it’s caused me to double my therapy sessions.
The following quote sums up how I’m feeling about these three players: Tim Lincecum, Ricky Romero, and Chris Capuano.
Bonnie Rayburn: [explaining why she broke up with her ex] We had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.
That’s what those aforementioned pitchers have done to points league players money leagues accounts this season, or in Capuano’s case, just recently. WHY DO I PLAY THIS GAME!!!?!
Wow, this was fun. Let’s continue it next week and move on to City Slickers II
