ESPN’s 2021 Fantasy Baseball Rankings Are So Bloody Stupid

Our 2021 Razzball leagues are in signup mode. Robot in Signup Mode, “I am entering contest to win Razzball t-shirt even though I’ve never seen a robot wear a shirt. Starting….” The Robot begins to peter out, “…New…Fad.” Oh no, the Razzball Robot has died! *screaming to heavens* What hath you forsaken me?! Heavens, “Focus on ESPN’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings, you moron.” Wow, the heavens do not take well to histrionics. So, this year’s ESPN rankings are a tad goofier than I remember them, but maybe I just got smarter — Smarterened? Smartered? Became the smarts? Meh, I don’t know. What I do know is ESPN has Trevor Bauer ranked 12th overall, and that made me laugh for a very long time. At one point, I coughed, and I thought I was coming down with the plague, but quickly recovered to laugh some more. Never knew ESPN was so climate-conscious, but they must be because they’re good recycling garbage. Maybe it’s bravery in the face of contradictory evidence. Maybe it’s dumb. Maybe it’s nuts. Hopefully not Mitch Haniger’s, they’ve been through enough. Any hoo! I’m clutchin’ my pearls like a Barbara Bush hologram and about to take out some ‘perts! *slowly, menacingly sharpens index finger for more incisive typing* I’m about to cut up somebody with words! Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2021 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of U2’s Sunday Bloody Sunday, I call this So Bloody Stupid:

I can’t believe ESPN’s rankings today
Oh, I can’t close my eyes and make it go away
How long, how long must we sing this song?
How long? How long?
‘Cause tonight
They have Mookie Betts at one
Tonight

There’s so many straight whothunkits in ESPN’s rankings, I don’t even know where to begin. The madness really starts at number one overall. I love Mookie Betts, so I don’t want to go down this rabbit hole too far, but number one over Acuña? Over Tatis? *Lisa Simpson grumble* Okay, let’s focus in on the top 20 1st basemen — aperture out; Instagram blur filter in; Wonder Twins activate in the form of a bust. *sees a Dolly Parton chest begin to form* No, no, no! Not that kind of bust. ESPN has Dom Smith 78th overall, and above Paul Goldschmidt, Max Muncy, Matt Olson — almost 120 spots higher than Josh Bell, who they had ranked incorrectly (!!!) at 41st overall last year  — Did they really like Josh Bell last year or was that a dream? Oh, I can’t close my eyes and make it go away! How long I must sing this song?! How much did they see if a 60-game season to go from 41st overall on Josh Bell to him being traded to a better lineup and now being ranked at 200th overall? Okay, I don’t like Josh Bell either, but what are they even doing? If you like Dom Smith, then great, but are they even briefly considering how he might be squeezed for playing time? They have him ranked 50 spots before Eric Hosmer, who is locked into a cleanup spot in a stacked lineup. Dom Smith has never hit 20 homers in pro ball — in a lot of seasons! I’m losing my mind!

Broken rankings under ESPN’s tweet
Embodies buffoons on a dead-end street
But I won’t heed their high-ranked starters call
It puts my back up, puts my back up against the wall
So Bloody Stupid
So Bloody Stupid
So Bloody Stupid
So Bloody Stupid
Alright, let’s go

Already mentioned Trevor Bauer in the opening. I can’t emphasize enough after saying I can’t emphasize enough that is some bat-shizz crazy shizz. Hyun-Jin Ryu ranked after at least ten starters who are almost guaranteed to be worse than him, as they have been for years. Ryu should be singing So Bloody Stupid. What does my man Ryu need to do? I feel like I’m living in an alternative universe where I’m the only one who ever notices Ryu pitches like a number one starter literally every year. He has a 2.95 ERA in 807 1/3 career innings. I will now laugh for two hours until someone comes with a straitjacket to cart me away. Could Ryu breakdown this year? I guess, but why are you saying that besides guessing? It’s almost as dumb as ranking Trevor Bauer in the top 12 overall. Almost. That really is the epitome of ESPN fantasy baseball rankings ever year, innit? (I’m Irish today.) Just absolutely overrating the previous year, so people, who use their rankings who have only scant knowledge of rankings, see what they want to see. ESPN is constantly searching to give people what it thinks people want spoon-fed back to them. Trevor Bauer gets a huge deal after a Cy Young, don’t dig in too deep on any of the mechanisms of his year or the contract, and just tell people to draft him 12th overall. Don’t even look to see where Dustin May is ranked overall for them — above Lance McCullers! May isn’t in the rotation as right now. Yes, I looked a good week after the signing of Trevor Bauer, so they don’t have that excuse for May. Oh, and they have Joey Lucchesi ranked above Pablo Lopez. I need to move on before I get an aneurysm. So Bloody Stupid!

And the battle’s just begun
There’s many lost who have used ESPN’s rankings, but tell me who has won?
The benches snug beneath our farts
And fathers, uncles, brothers, and five sisters torn apart
So Bloody Stupid
So Bloody Stupid

You might be under the impression ESPN’s rankings only have issues on the top half, but they really fall apart the deeper you go. You can’t make heads or tails of anything ESPN is doing after, like, pick 150 overall. Brian Anderson over Austin Riley? Mmkay. Paul DeJong after Ha-seong Kim? If you say so! Joey Gallo over Lordes Gurriel Jr.? Right-o, you giant dummies! Last year they ranked Fernando Tatis Jr. 43rd overall. You honestly can’t even make up this garbage.

Wipe hitter tiers from your eyes
Wipe the hitter tiers away
I’ll wipe your hitter tiers away
I’ll wipe your hitter tiers away (So Bloody Stupid)

On a less-belligerent tip, here’s a chart of the biggest values from ESPN to me (Thank you!) and the players that ESPN overrates (No thank you!). A small note, since I did this chart a few days ago, ESPN has already adjusted their rankings, so some of these might be a little off, but it goes to show you the influence I’m having on them. They so shook, y’all!

THANK YOU

NO THANK YOU