In the minor leagues this year, Dylan Cozens had 40 HRs and 21 steals, winning the Top Offensive Player award. Ha. Dubya tee eff. His minor league numbers are so insane they call up Gary Busey and ask for his advice. His minor league numbers are so crazy they voted for Trump simply because Scott Baio endorsed him. His minor league stats are so bonkers that they want to marry Blac Chyna and try to make her a housewife. His minor leagues stats are so stupid they threw paint on a dog because it was wearing fur. I call this the Cozens. It’s similar to The Dozens, but with Cozens. Ask a Mormon wife whose hat that is and she says, “Husbands.” These rhymes I’m Putin out there are from Russland. All that hair is on your back land, not Bob. I’m eating pigeon but all fancy like squab. Got a buddy named Robert who has a green afro and I call him broccoli raab. Aw…yeah! It’s my rap alter ego, B-Fire! Get some crunk juice, snitches! Okay, not sure where that came from but sometimes shizz needs to be freestyled, or in this case, free-stDylan. Anyway, what can we expect from Dylan Cozens for 2017 fantasy baseball?
Dylan Cozens reminds of Batman v Superman. “Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, this is going to be amazing!” Immediately after seeing it, “Um, okay.” That’s what I expect of Cozens. Same analogy would’ve held for Phantom Menace. Cozens is no Sharknado. Meaning: you expect nothing and it surprises you. Cozens will have nothing but expectations. I think he might leave with nothing but missed expectations too. He’s got more holes than the Caddyshack golf course. In Double-A last year vs. lefties, Cozens had a .197 average and five homers out of 40 homers. So, that’s awful. In home games, he had 29 homers and a .744 SLG. In away games, he had 11 HRs and a .441 SLG. That’s pretty goofy, y’all. Is there any concerns that his home park pushed him over the top? Is water wet? Yeah, brah, his home park was Reading; it has a Park Factor of 149 for power, which essentially means 49% more home runs are hit there than a neutral park. Want another hole you can drive a truck with hanging truck nuts through? His strikeout percentage in Double-A was 31.7%. Yeah, that’s terrible. I’m not sure you can expect him to ever make it in the majors with that hole. Maybe the Phillies could only play him against righties, or rather, they have to play him against only righties, but even then, I don’t know if he can ever translate his talents to the majors. There’s a real chance here of getting nothing ever. Now, of course, he’s young. There’s time for him to figure out how to stop swinging at balls in the dirt, and, if he does, there’s gonna be something special here for fantasy. When that will happen is a total guessing game. So far, he’s hitting .165 in a Winter League in the Dominican with four homers, so he leads the league in homers and is next-to-dead-last in average. He also leads the league in strikeouts with 32 in 85 at-bats. Yeah, like your girlfriend tells her friends about you, he’s a work in progress. For 2017, I’ll give him 14/6/21/.212/3 with 120 ABs and a late-August, early-September call-up, and I’m worried I might be optimistic about those stats too.
