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Who doesn’t love free stuff? Hey you in the back. Put your hand down! Clean out your ears because I said “free” not “fleas.” There really is no greater joy than finding stuff for free. Open that Cracker Jack box and find two toys instead of one? Sheeiiitttt. Driving away from Jack in the Box and finding two curly fries mixed in with the regular fries? Chef’s kiss. How about free plate appearances for fantasy baseball? 

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They say that variety is the spice of life. First of all, who is this proverbial “they” that many keep referencing? I just need to know if they are above or below the Freemasons. Anyways, in my younger days, I would partake in a cornucopia of mental steroids. Smoking trees was often a favorite pastime. There was marijuana, hemp, and cannabinoids; similar but different. Within those groups flowed a spider web of subsections. Hemp, in particular, has three species of plant; sativa, indica, and ruderalis. There are different hemp plants for different functions; for fiber, grain/seed, and CBD. Digging deeper, the quality differs depending on a variety of factors which ultimately affects the overall experience. It’s no different in fantasy baseball. There are many paths to victory, different subsets of players to choose from, and quality is differentiated. The higher you pay, the more likely you ascertain the quality, which produces a positive experience. But what if you went binge-shopping at the grocery store while having munchies? The funds are low but you need PAs with some counting stats? As you push the cart out of the grocery store, you notice a man erected like the Tower of Pisa against the wall. He tilts his head towards you, blows out the smoke from the cigarette he just inhaled and asks, “How about some Tony Kemp?”

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As I lay on my belly, adorned atop my plush rug with the head of Adam Silver, I noticed a glint of light out of my left eye. I slowly turned my neck like a sloth and began to smirk. One beacon after another began to Buddha Flame, producing a runway of light that could mean only one thing; baseball season is upon us.

I have been summoned to once again don my Waste Management uniform and dive into the trash cans of the fantasy streets to try and unearth some useful pieces of information. Grey and the fantastic crew at Razzball baseball got you covered with everything else, but you already know how dope they are.

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I always had issues with the expression, “Stay in your lane.” What if someone is driving in the fast lane and going super slow? Should they stay in their lane? NO! As bizarro Beyonce would sing, “To the right, to the right.” That said, the expression has tons of merit. If driving slow, stay in the right lanes and let others pass on the left. If you see three of four lanes littered with trucks, staying in the one without them would be most prudent. Which brings me to Lane Thomas of the Washington Nationals. He’s been added in 11.4% of ESPN leagues over the past week and, since joining the Nationals, has a .293/.383/.515 slash with a .222 ISO in 115 plate appearances. Should we continue to stay in this Lane?

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Back in the day, Schwinn was synonymous with bicycles the way you say Google when you have a question. So yeah, I’d be pedaling my Schwinn to my buddy’s house, then he’d hop on his Schwinn and we’d round up the whole crew and go Schwinning around town. Think of the streets of Los Angeles flooded with Teslas. That’s how it was back in the day. One day, I was pedaling my Schwinn then decided to try and peddle my Schwinn. English is freaking unnecessarily difficult at times, no? Anyways, many of us have been pedaling one Frank Schwindel of the Chicago Cubs, as he’s been en fuego, slashing .315/.360/.608 with a .292 ISO, and nine home runs in 139 plate appearances. As a result, he’s been added in 9.5% of ESPN leagues. So am I here to peddle Schwindel to you? Let’s find out.

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The expression “cup of coffee” entered the sports vernacular when a minor league player would only be in the majors long enough to drink a cup before getting sent down. What if someone nurses their coffee for a long, long time? What size is the cup? Why can’t Starbucks just say small, medium, and large? Is it really necessary to go with Demi, Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Trenta? F Starbucks. Anyways, I could get into some nasty South Park ideas but I don’t want to get fired so I’ll leave it in imagination land. Fine, organizations are ruthless and toothless so they don’t care about any of that. When they feel it’s time for someone to get booted, they will do it without remorse. But if a player produces, the barista will continue topping off that cup. In today’s Bear or Bull, we will discuss a cup of Connor Joe who has produced an impressive line in 196 plate appearances this season: .280/.367/.470 with a .190 ISO, 11.2% walk rate, and 19.9% strikeout rate. He has eight home runs, 21 runs, and 34 RBI. As a result, he’s been added in 7% of ESPN leagues and is rostered on 22.2% of teams. In NFBC leagues, he’s rostered on 98% of teams. Will this cup of Joe continue getting refilled?

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The Supreme Leader, Grey, has blurbed about the candy sweetness of Lars Nootbaar in the past:

“Have you checked by the candied almonds?” That’s the sweet woman at Sprouts after I asked her if they had a Lars NootbaarLars Nootbaar is from Cadbury, Eggland. I could go on all day, should I? Yes? Great. The only way to get Nootbaar out is with stain remover. His granny’s full name is Granola. Keep going? Okay, okay! One more! In Nootbaar’s Twitter bio, it lists his pronouns as chewy/nougaty, and his wife’s are her/shey.

Just another example of why Grey and GOAT go hand in hand, and it’s not because both are four-lettered words that start with G. Jay “Who is Never” Wrong wrote up Nootbaar back in June, so it’s not like he was just created on the Sony Studios server and inserted into the Matrix. I didn’t pay much heed to Nootbaar until recently, as he’s been a fixture in many of my DFS lineups because of his price in the $2,000 range on Draftkings. Let’s dig in and see if he’s worthy for your season-long lineups.

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Lewis Brinson has tantalized and terrorized us since he was selected in the first round of the 2012 MLB draft. The defensive potential in centerfield was always viewed as a plus while the hit tool was questionable at best. It was the potential power ceiling that made us go goo goo ga ga. Every time we bought in, though, Fantasy Eddie shuffled to the back of the car and put the banana in the tailpipe. Left for dead many of years on the fantasy streets, Brinson has resurrected and been added in 40% of ESPN leagues. Are we going to fall for the banana in the tailpipe? Or is Fantasy Eddie nowhere to be found?

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Language is such an important aspect of society yet we underrate how difficult it is. One can learn the fundamentals of any language yet change the intonation, add a punctuation mark, spell it differently, and/or tweak the context and the Tower of Babel arises. Tell the homies that you’re going to go out and ball? No one bats an eye. Tell them you’re going out to bawl, then everyone loses their mind. When I’m an idiot and pick up the phone from an unlisted number, hello? The crush calls? Heeeeeeelllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. You see the ex on the street and hello can mean many things. If someone just started playing fantasy baseball this year, then it’d be all about heeeeeeellllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo to Jo Adell of the Anaheim Angels (I refuse to acknowledge that the Angels are from Los Angeles). In 25 plate appearances, he has a .304/.360/.478 slash with a 20% strikeout rate and .174 ISO. For the grizzled veterans of the game, then it is hellsno to Adell as they remember last season’s appearance in The Show: .161/.212/.266 slash with a 41.7% strikeout rate and .105 ISO in 132 plate appearances. So, which hello is it going to be going forward for Adell?

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My better half created a truly local Farmer’s Market in our backyard. Avocados. Strawberries. Green peas. Cucumbers. Those are just to name a few. At first, the harvest was middling as both the quantity and size were underwhelming. Need more light, she said. More fertilizer. More water. Maybe the plants are what they are, I said. Well, as you can imagine, no sexy time for quite some time after that. So, I did what any normal sex-starved man would do. I went out and “fertilized” the plants with my internal bodily fluids. And what do you know? Happy wife, happy life! Kyle Farmer of the Cincinnati Reds has been added in 33.4% of ESPN leagues over the last seven days as a result of three home runs and 25 hits in 62 plate appearances since the All-Star game. Is this harvest legit or has it been due to outside factors?

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I’ve been taking my daughter to the pool to learn how to swim. Yes, your Son isn’t just a son of a Son who has a son himself. #GirlDad and proud of it! Anyways, she is so far from swimming, the same way I have no chance of replicating the feats I see while watching the Olympics. Gotta start somewhere, though. Getting into the water is no problem but dunking her head underwater or floating on her back is not on the agenda. So, the teacher just says to have her wade around in the shallow end to just get her comfortable being in the water. And wade we did and wade we do. It’s been about a week and she can now put her head underwater for a sec and float on her back a little bit with assistance. Incremental improvement which will hopefully portend for great things ahead. LaMonte Wade Jr. of the San Francisco Giants has been a sneaky source of fantasy production and has been added in 13.3% of ESPN leagues recently. Shoutout to Vlad Sedler, high-stakes guru over at Elite Fantasy who’s been on Wade for a few weeks now. Will this Wade lead to more or is it time to exit the pool and take a shower?

Please, blog, may I have some more?