If you’re like me most days, you’re sitting in your car beneath an underpass and writing ALF fan fiction, but today we have a different type of fantasy for you to engage in. No, not your fantasy where it’s you and that girl from high school in a tub of Alphabet Soup and you write her a love letter on her back in noodles! This is a fantasy baseball fantasy! Because you know what would be really cool? If you could join a fantasy baseball league that was against, like, 1000 other fantasy baseball teams. But not a 1000-person league, where people are trying to figure out who the back-up third baseman is on the Single-A Astros affiliate, the Corpus Christi Amscrayers. No, this is a 12-person league designed so you compete against eleven other people in your league, then 90 other leagues of twelve. That would be cool. Oh, wait, we’ve done that. It’s called the Razzball Commenter Leagues, and they’re back, and you don’t even have to be a commenter to join it! For a limited time only, get your loved one a fantasy baseball league! That’s right, your hearts go pitter-patter or you’re dead on the inside (my condolences). Since back in June when you abandoned your fantasy baseball team because it was totally sucking and you returned to your cubbyhole of leftover Chinese food and Teddy Grahams, you’ve longed for this day. As Bob Marley sang, this is your redemption song, mon. Or womon, for our five girl readers. It’s time again to join some fantasy baseball leagues!
Before you close all of your extraneous porn windows and rush to sign up, let’s explain how these fantasy baseball leagues are going to work. We’re going to have a bunch of leagues and crown a winner from each, then we’re going to crown ONE winner from all of the winners. We will be crowning the winner by taking each team’s points and multiplying it against a ‘league competitiveness factor.’ If you want to see how it worked last year, go here.
So we’re going to fill up as many fantasy leagues as we can for the next seven weeks. Each fantasy baseball league will be a mixed league, 12 team, snake draft, roto, 5×5, 5 OFs, one Middle Infielder, one Corner Infielder, one Utility, 9 pitchers, 20 game positional eligibility, 1400 innings max, 1000 IP minimum with 3 DL slots. The major changes from last year is a 1400 IP cap (69% of you wanted this over Games Start cap), 3 DL spots vs. 2 and 500 moves per year. Our survey of youse said the majority wanted a 300 move cap, but we decided to do a 500 move cap, figuring more the merrier. That shouldn’t be inhibitive for even those who rosterbate until they are blind.
Unlike last year, the leagues will be at Fantrax. Now, before you get hives because change scares you, Fantrax is going to make this a much better experience. Because:
A) We don’t have to setup our leagues anymore! Yay for small miracles! You won’t get to June and be like, “Wait a minute, why is my league H2H and every other league is roto?” All you have to do is click a link, insert the league ID and password (razzball). Password is always razzball and it is caps sensitive. If you don’t see a spreadsheet, it might be because you’re using an ad blocker. I can’t buy Cougs fancy jewels because of you, thanks!
B) We can do some leagues where there’s a cash payout. Now if that fire deep in your lower intestine doesn’t burn unless there’s money on the line, money will be literally online. There will, of course, be free leagues too. 60% of leagues will be free, 20% will be for $10, 20% for $20, and there will be no rake for Razzball. 100% payout (minus Paypal or credit card transaction fees). The Fantrax league page says something about a Premium League fee, but you can ignore that.
C) There’s no C.
D) I think there were only two reasons, but let me think.
E) Hmm…
F) That’s right! F! As in eff ESPN! We gave them our business for ten years and you know what they gave us? *crickets* Nothing, and apparently I have a cricket problem. Guess it’s better than moths! Wait, crickets don’t turn into moths, do they?
We’re going to start with 75 leagues and see how we do from there. To join a league… Sorry, again for the people in the back of the room:
TO JOIN A LEAGUE
Click the LINK in the ‘League Link’ column (see below grid) for the time you want and enter the League ID from the spreadsheet and password –> razzball. Password is always razzball — lower case. If you’re not signed up at Fantrax, you need to do that too (it’s free). Damn, that’s too easy. Oh, I guess I should also mention make sure you’re joining a league for free or for money, depending on your preference. That’s it!
THE BIG PRIZE
All leagues (paid and free) will play for the big prize. So, what do you win? You win bragging rights! Not just any bragging rights, but the bragging rights that you beat a thousand or so other people, and you can emphasize the “or so” as emphatically as you’d like. What? Not enough? Okay, for this year’s prize we’re taking the bull out of bulloney. We are upping the ante. “Hey, Olympic high jumper, can you jump over this ante?” No, you can’t, it’s been upped too high. LOOK, it’s a bird…it’s a plane…it’s our ante! “Excuse me, astronomer, is that a satellite orbiting earth?” No, son, it’s Razzball’s ante. They upped it. This year we are giving away a $250 Best Buy Gift card, which can buy just about anything (up to $250). I recently bought a TV that sits underneath my toilet seat so when I whizz I can watch TV. Granted, I bought this in a dream I had and I was married to Sofia Vergara in said dream, but this must exist, right? Also, for s’s and g’s, I’ll throw in a Razzball t-shirt because I have 14,000 of these and I’ve already outfitted all the homeless people in my neighborhood with SAGNOF t-shirts. But, most importantly, you will be crowned the 2018 Razzball Commenter League Champion. Okay, now sign up…
