Greetings! The time has come! This is what we’ve all been so patiently waiting for! Yaaaaaaasssss, Bruce Jenner’s sex change is upon us!!! Rejoice! It’s also a cool time of the year because MLB is starting up again. I suppose that means we should get down on some mo fantasy baseball type shizzz. Are you ready? No, I said, ARE YOUR READY!?!? Okay, sweet.

I so desperately wanted to write a preseason piece on Domonic Brown, but I was notified that he received over 500 words in my outfielders post, making it a no go this week. Can you even imagine? That would be like some moron pathetically green lighting a sequel to Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Only my Domonic column would probably go on to win awards and Blart 2 would be about as entertaining as watching Rosie O’Donnell’s love box fart for two straight hours…..WHAT?!?!?!?!? THEY’RE MAKING A PAUL BLART SEQUEL!??! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?!?!? My generation got Home Alone and Radio Flyer. The children of today get Paul effing Blart? Kevin James should be ashamed of himself for this. It’s embarrassing enough piggybacking the falling star that is Adam Sandler into 90% of his movie roles, but this is beyond pathetic. Hey, at least his untalented brother will get another meaningless role. Laaaaaawd, make it stop.

Enough about Blart. I’m here to talk about closers. I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Francisco Rodriguez   For the life of me, in my heart of hearts, I cannot decipher why K-Rod has ever fallen out of favor while disgraceful peasants like Matt Lindstrom keep popping up like a surfeiting genital wart, getting countless opportunities to save ballgames. Where were the White Sox at last year when the record-breaking, Elder God blessed, future ascendant that is K-Rod was free to sign anywhere? Don’t get it twisted, Rod Dog is one of the most prodigious closers in MLB history. I’m sick and tired of the blatant disregarding of this man’s resume. LOOK AT THE MOTHER EF-ing STATISTICS!!!!! Every year, I’m forced to sit around and wonder if ANYBODY is going to attempt to sign this hog life living stallion.

If you mention Jonathan Broxton to me, I might hock a loogy in your friggin’ eyeball.  Bruh is like the Steven Seagal of the MLB, only he doesn’t whoop ass like a savant. He’s just fat, musty, and sloppy. Sure, point out his sexy ERA peppered in over the last few seasons. I care not. Much like Chevy Chase’s acting career and life in general,  Chunkstyle’s K’s per 9 has fallen off a Mount Thor type cliff, and I refuse to believe he hasn’t been insanely lucky. Doubt me if you dare, but have your apology letter well rehearsed and it’s possible I’ll forgive you. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s incredibly merciful.

Neftali Feliz I’ll never forgive Feliz for gargling Marsupial testicles in the 2011 World Series but let’s not be unreasonable here. If my animal instincts are correct, Texas should be straight up gutter trash this season, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid Feliz like a chick that just got done getting boinked by Rick Solomon. It’s okay, Feliz does not have herpes! Metaphorically, that is. Who cares if he actually has herpes. Statistics say that 1/3 people have a strand of it, so I suppose there’s a 33.3333333333% chance he does have it, but that’s really besides the point here. The point IS Feliz has had another offseason of strengthening his arm and shoulder, the K’s per nine should jump from the 6.0 he was at last season, to about 8. The job is his and any games Texas wins should be close, right? You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Cody Allen THE CODESTER!!! Thank me in the comment section for this video.

We’re not here to speak on Cody Lambert ( Though it’s probably more entertaining). No, we’re here to talk about my new man-crush: the legend in the making that is, Cody Allen. Anytime a pitcher is approaching 12 k’s per nine, I get that old fashioned romantic feeling…where I’d do anything to bone him….errrr, I mean own him. The only question I have is, why in the name of the all powerful Elder Gods did Cleveland not hand the reigns over to this T-100 Terminator, disguised as a baseball player, sooner? Witnessing Chris Perez pitch used to make me shrivel up like I just dived into the pacific ocean in the dead of winter. Either way, Allen has as much upside as any closer in baseball this season, and can be had a ways after the usual top-3 guys. Cleveland is expected to win quite a few games this season, and Allen will be closing the door on a large portion of em. Strike fast, strike true.

Jenrry Mejia – My obsession with Mejia began back in 2010, when the Mets brought him up to the majors at age 20. The kid was and is nasty, even after incurring Tommy John surgery in 2o11. Mejia wasn’t spectacular by any means last season, walking a derriere [Jay’s Note: ?] load of batters…BUT, we all love a closer that can get himself out of a jam by striking out two-or-three batters in a row if need be, and Mejia is that kinda dude, aaaaahkaaay! Sure, Bobby Parnell had a couple rock solid couple seasons in the bullpen, but are we really to believe that he’s going to come off Tommy John surgery in his age 30 season, and instantly be the savior, let alone be superior to Mejia the Elder blessed? You must be out your rabbid ass mind. Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

Beddict on Television….

Bloodline – Netflix does it again, boys and girls! Another classic in the books. What a cast…SMH, what a god damned cast. We all expected Kyle Chandler, who plays John Rayburn to be the star, and though he’s fairly entertaining, he ranks below both Ben Mendelsohn, who plays the family Ef-up Danny Rayburn, and the erection inducing legs of Linda Cardellini, who plays the lone female sibling Meg Rayburn. Laaaaaaaaaaaaawd, this woman has changed my life, I kidd you not. I’d trade all my coco induced nights of ho-hopping just to squeeze those curvy, yet sculpted thighs. Ahhhhhhhhh…….okay, I’m going to need a few minutes……wow, that was powerful. Have you ever witnessed the magnificence of Old Faithful when it erupts at Yellowstone National park? Imagine something thrice as supreme, and then you’ll have a smidge of clue, of what Meg Rayburn does to Beddict. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he appreciates the female body.

The one character I kinda sorta despise is Kevin Rayburn, played by none other than Norbert Leo Butz. Pause. Yes, his name is actually Norbert. Growing up,  having the name, Tehol Beddict, brought me much ridicule, but it must have been laughably minuscule in comparison to what young Norbert went through….But I digress ( I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY/WRITE THIS but i just did it)…or do I? Anway, Norbert is the youngest and by far the most annoying Rayburn bro. He’s got one of those John C. Reilly faces that only a mother could love…that is until we witnessed Talladega Nights and Step Brothers. Then we all adored him as his hideousness somehow just disappeared faster than one of Derek Jeter’s one nighters, only we didn’t get gift baskets. AGAIN, I’m rambling. Ughhhh. So sorry, but highly doubt Norbert reaches Reilly levels, but I’ve been wrong at least once before in my life.

Did I even remotely explain what the show was about?  Do you really want someone spoiling it for you? Just watch the preview and then peep it out.

When have I ever done you wrong? In the “Beddict on Television” section, of course. Not in fantasy baseball. I’m sure I’ve had a few minor misses in that area… Bloodline is a spectacular show. I’m gonna move on now.

LaTroy Hawkins – WTF is this peon still doing closing anywhere but a Denny’s restaurant??? I mean come on, seriously, before last season, this ancient relic only had two 20-save seasons on his resume! Homey was pitching back when O.J. Simpson was still a national treasure. Last season, I would have bet both my balls and one big toe that Rex Brothers stole that job within a month, as I drafted him in almost every league. It was like putting a married Brad Pitt on location with a scintillatingly naughty Angelina Jolie, and expecting him to be able to resist her Medusa stare. IT WAS A LOCK! Yet here we are, a year later, and “The Hawk” is coming off a somewhat decent season in which he had 23 saves and a respectable 3.39 ERA. On the other hand, with a pedestrian 5.3 K’s per nine, Hawk might have just been luckier than a dude on his bachelor party that snorted 200 milligrams of powdered Special K, raw-dogged three Tijuana streetwalkers and donkey, and somehow coming out of it STD free. If we still aren’t clear, there is positively, absolutely, conclusively NO WAY, that Hawkins keeps the closers job for the entire season. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Grant Balfour – Grant, sir, respectfully, IDFWU!!! I’d imagine that watching this putz on the mound is a lot like hitting up a KKK rally. An anglo Saxon dude screaming and pumping himself up as if he’s some badass, ready to fight whoever laughs at him for giving up YET ANOTHER bases loaded walk, when in reality he’s just some Aussie pop tart, and I’d bet Smokey’s manhood on Dustin Pedroia’s miniature ass beating the brakes off him. So done with Balfour. So done.

Joe Nathan Joe Nathan is crustier than a pair of Jesus’s drawls. Drafting Joe Nathan to your fantasy team is like selecting Johnny Depp to star in a major motion picture: great name recognition, disgraceful results. Oh, I’m sorry. I truly didn’t mean offense towards the two of you who loved Mordecai. Just don’t, for the Elder Gods are rarely incorrect when it comes to these things. WITNESS!

 

Thank you for joining me for another incredibly bodacious version of Disgrace/Delight. I’m here to serve you and your spouse to the best of my capabilities. I also do bachelorette parties, so please keep that in mind. My heart is pounding and my penile implant is humming as the MLB regular season is upon us!!! Is there any greater joy on this earth? The birth your child? Doubtful… Your wedding day? No need to even answer that one. Glory be to the Elder Gods. Thank them for allowing us to participate in this magical game of wits.

Speaking of wits, I’m assuming many of you play DFS, and Razzball has some tools that are hotter than Oprah’s breath after a bowl of tabasco drenched New England clam chowder washed down with a liter of V8 juice. If you don’t have use of these tools, then some would say you’re at a disadvantage. Tell em Beddict sent cha, and I’ll DM you a naked flick of me and Ralph. I’m sorry, Ralph and I.

As per usual your comments and questions will be answered promptly below. I hope this you’re having a fabulous week. Beddict out.

 

Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Tehol143.

  1. While I’m not sure I learned anything, I was incredibly entertained. I laughed, I cried, i unfortunately visualized Netfali Feliz gargling marsupial testicles, and for that i thank you, sir.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Lucky Dog: oh imma learn u something boy. Just keep reading ya hear!? ????

      ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED ????
      Come back next week. Please. I beg you

      • @Tehol Beddict:

        Oh I’ll be back – not in an Arnold kinda way, but I’ll be back. If nothing else, with the hopes of another video.

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Lucky Dog: there will be countless videos. You shan’t regret it, LD

  2. julio white says:
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    hey brutha. I heard you and all the other razzball writers had a blast down at spring training. did you meet alot of people while you were there?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @julio white: ???????????????????????????? everybooooody hurts…sometimes

      • Julio White says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: for reals tho. what was your favorite part about the trip?

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Julio White: the part where I was left at home to cry myself to sleep every night in my parents basement, eating nothing but hot pockets and cup o noodles for weeks on end, playing mario kart on super nintendo. THAT PART

          • Julio White says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: why are you never on Gilpin’s razzball podcast? are you boycotting it?

            • LT Murray IV

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Julio White: because he despises me. lot of hate in that blood

              • Julio White says:
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                @Tehol Beddict: you constantly trashing him on twitter can’t help your cause much.

                • LT Murray IV

                  Tehol Beddict says:
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                  @Julio White: I’m starting my own podcast. i would never work with him. Will you be my first guest?

                    • LT Murray IV

                      Tehol Beddict says:
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                      @Julio White: oh, I guarantee it, buddy. I’ll wear my favorite man thong

                    • A Wesley Snipes Life says:
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                      @Julio White: that 2nd one one of best things i’ve ever seen associated with this site. roddy really didn’t like being called julio numerous times, just wonderful.

          • @Tehol Beddict:

            That actually sounds kind of awesome to me. What’s your parents address, and are there any hot pockets left?

            • LT Murray IV

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Lucky Dog: i know right. Maybe I’ll actually do that for real. sounds like an incredible weekend. or just an incredible life period. do they still make them Ham and cheese pockets?

              • @Tehol Beddict:

                I was always a pepperoni pizza Hot pocket kinda guy, but since you mentioned marsupial testicles that sounds intriguing too. I’m gonna write to the company, stay!

                • LT Murray IV

                  Tehol Beddict says:
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                  @Lucky Dog: that sounds incredible. nice replacement for the meat ball edition which I found extremely solid to begin with.

  3. Chuckles Tiddlesworth says:
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    You ARE excited, eh? Bravo. But I didn’t see any leg in that trailer …

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Chuckles Tiddlesworth: maaaan, i just realized a few minutes ago that I didnt put any links to my new bae. We’ll save that for next week as my worship goes to new levels. i’m fully obsessed. I know you’ll feel the same, Chuckles.

      thanks for stopping in

  4. Ante GALIC says:
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    Tehol!!!

    Very interesting read, man.

    I dropped Aaron Sanchez to pick up Brett Cecil as my RP2. Thoughts?

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ante GALIC: Great call. Cecil will be a hog when healthy and I’m not huge on Sanchez as of now. I like what you did.

      Glad you find my post interesting. so far it’s just you and my Mom

    • @Ante GALIC:

      I think Cecil is gonna be of great value this year

      I also think Sanchez is going to win 15+ games and K almost a batter per inning with an era around 3.60

      There mustve been worse players on your team to drop for him?

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Lucky Dog: My man, Galic is legendary. I’m sure he’s stacked up and macked up

        • @Tehol Beddict:

          Undoubtedly if Sanchez is droppable to him.

          That said, surely someone in his league valued Sanchez – might have made more sense to try to trade him, based on his ADP alone. I assume he drafted him somewhere in the mid-teens…I know the Razzballians are down on him this year (obviously I’m not) but it seems like a waste to just drop him. Heck, he may have been able to deal him for a closer better than Cecil the Deisel even.

          Kind of a head scratcher….

          • @Lucky Dog:

            Wait – stop – hold the phone.

            Aaron Samchez.

            Great drop.

            I am on my tiny phone & thought it was Anabal Sanchez!

            Carry on, apologies for my lack of reading comprehension. I fail at life and fantasy advice. I’ll leave it to be pros. Now where’s that damn delete button?!?

            • LT Murray IV

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Lucky Dog: ooooh, we all good man. I just assumed you were a huge Aaron Sanchez fan. you’re a pro in my book. no deleting comments here. you’re a part of history

              • @Tehol Beddict:

                Well in that case I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t tell everyone what a huge Ome Direction fan I am, eh? Whew – that was a close one!

                • Tehol Beddict says:
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                  @Lucky Dog: incredible band. Talented and good looking. So few of those in thr world

                  • @Tehol Beddict: we are kindred spirits you and I. Looking forward to a season of romance and passion.

                    • LT Murray IV

                      Tehol Beddict says:
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                      @Lucky Dog: I’m wearing a fantastic shade of fuchsia lipstick as we speak. here’s to a great season, lover boy…..ok, did this go to far? HAHAHAH

  5. Wowzers says:
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    Tehizzzzle!
    Upon your request, I gave the blog another shot…and to my surprise, I only had one problem with the whole write up: that it exists (with the exception of the dumb & dumber clip of course and I suppose I’ll agree that Bloodline is solid…& yes, Meg. that Meg. She is somethannnnng else, a God some would say) Since I see you appreciate a good analogy… There’s a few things I’d enjoy more than reading this blasphemy, like…. having the Taco Bell shits in a bonnaroo port-o-potty followed by a midnight fishing trip with Scott Peterson. Check that, I’d rather receive a pineapple enema at a Nickelback concert. Good lord. Appalling. Hope you’re having a great day! Later Vienna!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wowzers: incredible write up. U may have what it takes to one day take my position. Send ur application to

      [email protected]

      • Julio White says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: such a professional and a great representative of the site.

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Julio White: Thank you, Julio. This guy is at least amusing to some extent. Take lessons.

        • Kid A says:
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          @Julio White:

          Hey Julio,

          Why don’t you take it easy on Tehol – it is his holiday today after all?

          Though it isn’t saying much, the poor guy is trying his best.

          Ease off. I’m asking nicely.

          • Julio White says:
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            @Kid A: go eat a dick and mind yur bizness.

            • Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Julio White: OMG. both of u at once. Someone told me ur the same person. I refuse to believe it

            • Kid A says:
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              @Julio White: Oh OK tough guy!

              Whatever.

              There’s just no reasoning with you.

              • Tehol Beddict says:
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                @Kid A: I need to ping Kid A s father

                • kid A's father says:
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                  hahhahha NERD FIGHT… wowzers was actually funny. you fags just aren’t. Totally the same person. I can actually hear my useless son in the basement yelling this shit to himself in different voices.

                  • LT Murray IV

                    Tehol Beddict says:
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                    @kid A’s father: Sir, I want to thank you for stopping in and sonning this angry child of you. he lacks discipline which is surprising considering you seem like such a hard ass. Lets grab a miller high life some time

                    • The Harrow says:
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                      @Tehol Beddict: holy jebus, all 3 of them showed up at the same time (the physics of walking out of a phone booth don’t even seem to allow it), but really, since they all follow yr nuts around it everywhere they go it makes perfect sense.

      • Wowzers says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Really don’t have time to juggle two jobs at once…you should get your mom to apply though…I’ve seen her juggle 2-3 jobs at the same time no problem…a beeg and a couple hj’s while humming the star spangled banner…fucking impressive is what it was…made be proud to be an American !!!!! HALLELLLULLLLJERRRR

        • kid A's father says:
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          less funny that time

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Wowzers: Wowzers, you fell off like a bad bag of dope. come harder next time or don’t come at all….PAUSE.

  6. handy afterall says:
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    ahoy hoy,

    I’m in a 17-team league that only allows 15 total moves (drop/add) per season. I got stuck with Qualls as my second closer (Francisco Rodriguez is my first). The only even potentially-viable maybe-closer on the wire is Soria. Considering I only have 15 moves for the season, do I drop qualls for soria? or would you recommend trying to acquire saves via trade? Been laughing my way through work with this site the last 2 years, and pretty sure I drafted Grey’s goopy-dream of a team this time around.

    much thankfulness

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @handy afterall: handy man, whaaatttup. Hmmmm, interesting conundrum. 15 moves on the season is tough. does a trade count as a move? who our your traceable pieces? I think Soria has more upside than qualls so I don’t hate that move, but it’s no guarantee either and you’d be using a precious move. Who else can we trade?

      • handy afterall says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: o I can trade to my wee little heart’s content. the contents of my heart: mainly cholesterol, and old winter tires. it being pre-season still, hard to say which cog is loose on my team…
        my arms:

        iwakuma
        alex wood
        archer
        pinetar
        Hahn
        eovaldi
        Francisco rodriguez
        qualls

        bats:
        grandal
        Rizzo
        wong
        arenado
        dantana
        segura
        lawrie
        Bryce harper
        ozunahhhh
        polanco
        Khris davis
        gose
        Jose Ramirez
        I AM CRON!
        solarte

        …and that killed my last 15 minutes of work. work is hard.
        thanks again

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @handy afterall: hahahaha. I’m feeling this roster. Filthy lineup. Yep all ur really missing is another closer and should be able to work out a trade. Target someone flush with closers And swoop a lower tier one. Maybe Mejia once he’s officially opening day closer. Or find out what it takes for cody

    • Steve Stevenson says:
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      @handy afterall: don’t use a move yet, esp. on low level save speculation. I’m in a similar league (20/yr). Be ready to pounce when Sv hit the wire, and give a few wks to see what the trade market will really be.

      • handy afterall says:
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        @Steve Stevenson: Thanks for the thoughts, Steve. And thanks to you, too, Tehol. Really appreciate all the insight on site. I’ll send out some flyers, maybe try a spinner, or tie a dry-fly on, see if anyone bites. If not, I’ll keep my hands in my pockets a while longer.

        Have fun

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @handy afterall: we’ll touch on this all year buddy. let the Elder gods guide you

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Steve Stevenson: steve Stevenson, its an honor my brother. i like where your heads at …pause. I am in agreeance. thank you for gracing us with your presence, broseph

  7. Bug/Mael says:
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    I just recently came across your stuff and love it! Erickson + Baseball = much love

    • Bug/Mael says:
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      @Bug/Mael: Baseball stuff. Did get both Mejia and Allen last year for my keeper league, along with Soria. Here is hoping youre right on all accounts

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Bug/Mael: i can feel it in the air. kudos on a job well done. I miss Bug.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bug/Mael: Thanks man! probably my favorite duo in the whole series Bug/Tehol . need to reread. glad you enjoyed. keep coming by

  8. Eric says:
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    Haha this may seem dumb but I’m trying to see if I can get Rendon on the cheap ish. H2h obp league, what say you to trading kolten wong and cespedes for Rendon? Is cespedes too much?

    • Eric says:
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      @Eric:
      A little more about the league setting. 12 team yahoo league with CI and MI positions with the normal 2B and 3B spots. Also 4 OF positions. Haha not sure if that changes anything.

      • The Duchess says:
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        @Eric: I’m a huge fan of his but Rendon could be out for months. Before you trade Wong & Cespedes (Tehol’s going to tell you that’s WAY too much he’s NOT a fan) you gotta wait and see how bad his knee is.

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @The Duchess: Duchess is extremely intelligent and a highly effective fantasy baseball player. She will assist me from time to time and basically is the female version of me.

        • Eric says:
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          @The Duchess:
          Hahaha thanks a lot, feedback is much appreciated.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Eric: Easy-E! what up, dog!?? tough call. Rendon was a first round talent before going down. injury seems a tad tricky with him seeking multiple opinions. 3 week minimum he’s out so giving up those 2 could cost you. Who do you have to replace the other guys. thats what I really need to know. then we can get cookin

      • Eric says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: waddup waddup! Haha I’m trying to see if I can’t make it a multi-player deal where I include some ugly closers to get pollock in the deal so cespedes, wong, ugly closers for Rendon, pollock, + nobodies haha

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Eric: now we’re talking. you have to make a move like that in order to make this trade. then u coast and hope for Rendon at full strength and then BOOM ur off and running. Id still be wary tho. Not sure how this is going to play out. buuuuuut, if you want to risk it, he should be fine

      • Eric says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: but besides that, all I got is waiver wire fodder around the likes of coco crisp haha

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Eric: I’m in love with the cocoa. but not really

  9. The Duchess says:
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    Who are these shithead imbeciles stalking you? They sound really pathetic and are probably single, lonely, short, fat, balding…maybe all of the above. Do they know what you look like? Besides your vast sports knowledge you’re freaking handsome with these gorgeous eyes and lips, you’re tall and have hair that most men would pay for? Plus you’ve got a killer shoe collection…and they’re probably still wearing Lugz. I better stop lavishing these compliments before wifey thinks we’re having a serious affair…

    But now let’s actually talk about baseball-
    First of all, if you are starting your own podcast… yours truly BETTER be your first guest, shit make me a co-host if you really want your ratings to explode. I’d also be able to control your constant urge to recite Domonic Brown monologues… I am in FIVE leagues this year (why are you not in any of them? I’m playing with Smokey & Jay in one) and big Dom went UNDRAFTED in every single one of them. Please go buy a poster of Stanton, hang it over your bed and move on to someone at least somewhat worthy of your mancrush!

    The thing about closers is they’re really irritating. You basically have to pick and then pray they: a) don’t get hurt & you wasted pick/$ on them and b) that they keep it together so your ERA & WHIP don’t suffer. Some guys go as far as to not bother rostering any and just punt the SVs category altogether, but I don’t think that’s the best strategy. I own Chapman in my biggest $ league and am now praying that this mysterious “injury” that occurred yesterday is nothing. Some non-closers can be really helpful too like Wade Davis (who I think I own on all 5 teams…)

    I’m watching Bloodlines too right now! Norbert is definitely a tool. You have to watch Younger- it just started and is hilarious. Plus the guy with all the tattoos could almost be your better looking younger brother? ha

    Until next time handsome. xoxo

    • Wowzers says:
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      @The Duchess: holllllll the phone. Did you just describe his eyes, lips, hair plugs and even shoe collection in detail and then call us stalkers??? Lololll looks Sounds like someone has a mancrush on ole tehol! Anyway, even if tehol does look like this supposed Greek god you’re explaining, doesn’t mean the kid can write a decent blog. Shizzzzz! And LUGZ? Come on man…I’m on that FILA life all day. Get it together lil mama. You’re so 2014.

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Wowzers: another lame comeback. ur flustered. THe duchess is known to do that to peonic children. You and I both know these blogs are hilarious. Keep coming back

      • Bye Felicia says:
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        @Wowzers: Why do you care what another man looks like?

        Another gay dude. Lol

    • Julio White says:
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      @The Duchess: you do some great irony duchess. the only thing you forgot was that dick nose stuck to his face. lets talk facts tho. homeboy cant write. dishes crap advice. and trashes other razzball writers behind their backs. total schmuck.

      • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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        @Julio White: Was he really trashing them or was it jokes? How can you be sure either way?

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Julio White: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. what crap advice? who do I trash other than people i don’t like and directly say to to. no behind the back stuff here. u sure as hell don’t want to see me in public, Kid A. you’re not prepared. u keep coming back every week. and I appreciate it

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @The Duchess: LMAO LMAO LMAO. id say there’s about a 99 percent chance of that being true. but I still love them/him tho.

      • Bye Felicia says:
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        @Julio White: You stalk dude just to comment on his looks?

        Ahem..GAYYYYYYY

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @The Duchess: Duchess, My love! yes, they/he knows what I look like. he posts old youtube videos and tweets I posted years ago like i’d be embarrassed of them or something even tho I posted them and he looks like the bottom of my jordans after i stepped in a steaming pile of dog shizz and it molded over a couple months time. it huuuuuurts.
      We’re not here to bash looks but don’t come at the King.

      You’re officially my first guest on the podcast and I’d love for the Kid fraud to join us as well. U joined smokey and jay??? oh well, those guys rock so you’re in good hands my lady. Not in my hands, where you and I would both love you to be, but still.

      Agree with you on closers. nothing more annoying than a closer run in the draft. just have to stay on top of the waiver wire tho or you can be shizz out of luck. hate punting any category and would never consider it unless maybe in head to head.

      Younger? whats that about? ill check it out as I trust your judgment. talk soon bae

      • The Harrow says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: best part is they scared off the original of the personalities.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @The Harrow: i know. i’m confused ahhaha. i totally thought original personality was separate guy but further on and when he less time to come up with something intelligent sounding, it became the same person ahahhah. fiction can be fun

  10. Ziggy says:
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    T! What it do? So I’m diggin this closer post because of the inclusion of linda cardellini (hotdamn), however, my league includes a Holds category. Any advice on which middle relief situations to target? Some relievers just ca$h in the holds. Generally it’s tough to draft the obvious guys (i.e. wade davis, betances last year), but sometimes the best Holds guys just pop their heads out during the season due to increased roles. anyway, just wanted to ask if you knew of any dudes i should try to include on tha squad

    – = – Z – = –

    • Great White North says:
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      @Ziggy: I came here for the same thing: Middle Relief advice. Wonder how long before we get the reach around? I usually just chase numbers a few weeks after the season starts for middle relief, and graze expert advice columns. This year’s Wade Davis will be………?

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Great White North: ahhhhh, the old reach around, eh??? one of my faves. tough call. but like i said yankees 8th inning guy will be the best obviously. walden another interesting guy.

        • Great White North says:
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          @Tehol Beddict: Damn, just dropped Walden in an RCL so I could DL stash Dom Brown. All your fault. Or mine.

          • LT Murray IV

            Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Great White North: ill take the blame. I’m not saying for sure thing hahah. just a name I’ve been hearing a lot lately

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Ziggy: Ziggler Wiggler, what up cuzzz? glad you enjoyed. Like you said, holds is tough but either Miller or possibly Betances again should be the best one possible for Yankees. Mujica interesting to own as he’ll be getting saves early and then back to 8th inning I’m sure. Ziegler is one of my faves. Qualls should hold it down and was quite solid last season. Farquar interesting on Mariners but you never know when he comin in. ill dig deeper after this draft and get back to you player

      • Ziggy says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: i went with two of last year’s finest….wade davis and tony watson. thoughts? i’ll have to throw walden some love though once the season starts.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Ziggy: works for me big dog. tough to top Wade at that 8th inning spot right now. watson solid as well. #Kudos Ziggz

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @zeus: laaaaaaaaaaawd yea i would have body bagged all three, but the youngest ended up the hottest.

      The dark haired one was everything back then tho.

      ahhhhhhh. what do I have to do for a sex tape?

  11. Wallpaper Paterson says:
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    Can someone start a rcl for a 12ish eastern time start on friday?

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wallpaper Paterson: FOR YOU!?!?!? I WILL!!!! ill set up this evening after I’m done dominating this expert draft. You’re everything, WP

      • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: Okay, thanks.

        I was in a Lifshitz league with you but I had to bow out due to illness. I believe the draft was on the 18th or 19th. I was sleeping while you guys were drafting.

        I tried starting my own RCL (as I did in years past) but my phone was having probs with the Google doc and my laptop had some issue too.

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Wallpaper Paterson: Ill see if we can get it popping for you, bud

      • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: No. I need around 12 noon eastern start time till 2 pm the latest on Friday.

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Wallpaper Paterson: not sure if that’s possible bud. i’ll ask around

  12. Colonel Angus says:
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    I have nothing to say about your mother. HOWEVER, I’ve been paying very close attention to bullpens this spring. It seems like at least half of the closers in the league aren’t secure in their position each year and my league awards for Holds so I want to aim for relievers that may take over in-season for the closer who falls out of favor. That being said, how do you feel about Tyler Olson, Miguel Castro, Roberto Osuna, and Evan Marshall? Also, are there any sneaky relievers you can suggest?

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @Colonel Angus: Familia could take over for Mejia this season

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Colonel Angus: marshall is ok but he always ends up letting us down when given the opportunity. Olson is cool but even living in seattle i have absolutely no clue if he ever gets that 8th inning job. we seem to mix and match quite a bit but if he’s as advertised and lord farquad continues his spring struggles and the bartender serves bunk, he could be in there soon enough. Castro and Osuna intriguing just because Cecil is as fragile as a faberge egg. this is always an interesting conversation and I’ll dig a little deeper when I finish this draft I’m doing with Grey the godfather and some razzball peeps. thanks for stopping by

  13. Hmm says:
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    Tayhol,

    What happened to the music section? You’re slippin homey! Gotta stop those 11AM bong hits

    My question to you is, are you really doing a podcast? And if so, where can I listen? I have a headache, and the only prescription is more Bong hits…I mean TEHOL!

    Be well brother!

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Hmm: My bad, i been doing the TV show cuz there has been so many. We have to hit the podcast so we can cover music, TV, movies, maybe even fantasy baseball. Glad you’re into the idea because I think I’ll be starting it up shortly. just doing a little more background work on it. should be poppin in next couple weeks.
      Bong hits and Beddict equal a good time. you sir, are the man. have a great week

      • Hmm says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: you too! see you at the draft friday night, i call dombrown, betch

        • Hmm says:
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          @Hmm: err, sat night. my b

        • LT Murray IV

          Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Hmm: I just drafted him again! hahaha

  14. SallyCips says:
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    That was the Teholliest Tehol article ever. Blessed to have read it with multiple happy hour beers in me.

    Cardinelli ..

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @SallyCips: Hold up, I’m already forgetting the nick name we had for you last week…. Sexy Sall? Swashbuckling Sally? Swanky Sal? Anyway, glad to have you back my friend.

    • Hmm says:
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      @SallyCips: teholliest sounds conspicuously like “the holiest”, which isn’t much of a blessing in disguise

      • LT Murray IV

        Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Hmm: who is holier than I????

  15. User says:
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    This is the longest thing I’ve seen someone pull out of their ass since I fucked your mom last night.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @User: Broseph, you haven’t read one of my 4000 word classics then. Winter is coming and so is Beddict game of thrones posts. go watch the show if you haven’t yet. its a way to earn my respect.

      Oh wait you just anally drilled my mother last night. U don’t want my respect. But you shall have it any way. how is the old hag anyway? still have anal warts? Laaaaaaaaaaawd. hope you’re having a good night

  16. Dee Snutz says:
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    In a 6×6 holds league, do you take Walden over Lord Farqhar?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Dee Snutz: LMAO, your name….im weeeeeeeak. I think Walden will be more set in stone as 8th inning guy where Mariners tend to play matchups more often but there’s also more of a chance of Rodney losing the job if that peaks ur interest. u asked about holds so i assume it doesnt. now I’m just rambling. whats new tho? any more questions. I’m here all night and jacked up out of my mind

      • Dee Snutz says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: thanks brofessor! yeah the projection of holds is all i’m concerned about since i’ve already got aroldis and benwa. i’ll pick up walden. and since you asked for more, what are your thoughts on pearce? steamer projects him for 19 HRs in 424 ABs, but he was a solid producer last year for the birds and and has been rippin it up this spring. any chance he gets 500+ ABs and/or 25 HRs this year? could he perform better than say, la’roach or creaky ol’ morneau?

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Dee Snutz: let me cut to the chase right now before we go any further. Justin Morneau is dead to me. Yes, he was my best player in some auction league I was involved with that I obviously did horrible in, BUT his second half was pathetic enough to make the hardest (pause) gangbanger in the world cry. with that being said I’m not going to be upset with you if he’s on your roster or he’s a late pickup…..moving on….

          WIth Pearce absolutely. The Steamer is official like a referee whistle and should hold to be pretty accurate. the 21 he hit out of nowhere as a 30 year old was obviously shocking, considering that immmm, he’s never blasted more than 4 before in his life. , albeit in limited games.

          The good thing is, is that he’s still MFin rakin in this spring giving us even more faith in this old horse. Now Cruz is gone. More at bats for Pearce, who should be the every day DH. If he hit 21 bombs in a minuscule 383 at bats last season then 25 is certainly within reach if he plays anything close to a full slate, which I believe he will. I was hoping Wieters came back to the lineup to make Pearce even more dangerous but that’s looking a little scary as of now. I mean, Travis Snider is in the outfield so I suppose Pearce could get some time out there as well. He’s an interesting player. I don’t own him anywhere yet.

          First you had my curiosity
          but now you have my attention

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @Dee Snutz: I would take Walden

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Wallpaper Paterson: glad we agree, WP. ….that rhymed.
        Now we’re N Synce. bye bye bye

  17. Chiefroy says:
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    “Take Heed!”? C’mon man…”Here Comes The Boom!”

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Chiefroy: u prefer “here comes the boom” ??? want me to change it up next week? ANyting for yu Chief!

  18. Todd says:
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    What’s up, Tehol.

    So, I’ve got Melancon and Koji. Am I set? When Koji goes on the DL, do I pick up Cecil? Does that work?

    Also, I mentioned my pile of starters in your last post. I added Hahn. So: Kershaw, Felix, Cole, A Wood, Shoemaker, Hutchison, Hahn, Anderson. Brett is going to rock this year.

    Thanks, man.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Todd: Toddler, Whadddup.

      You set although it sounds like Koji could be a little ways off. Grabbing Cecil is a great move in the short term. Mujica will be in there for Boston so you could go that route also. either way you good mayne

      oh yea, how could I ever forget that incredible staff (Pause) ? always been a big Brett Anderson fan. getting a full season out of him would be incredible. thanks for stopping by

  19. Carnac says:
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    Kyle Chandler seems 100% like an “I don’t have an email” guy, both on all his shows and in real life.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
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      Can you imagine him on a computer at all?

      • Carnac says:
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        The only reason he owns one is to glare at when he storms through the room.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
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          I can’t even picture him using a pen

          • Carnac says:
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            Hahahaha

          • Tehol Beddict says:
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            @Carnac: @Grey: all his contracts are handshake deals

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Carnac: incredible observation. There is absolutely no way Chandler has checked his email in at least 5 years

  20. Bye Felicia says:
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    He’s an Aussie Pop Tart, dude’s soft in the middle.

    I’ll eat u for breakfast , then go straight for your necklace!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Bye Felicia: u never gonna sell Mitsubishi tah or crack child

  21. Scott says:
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    I know right? How could they possibly improve on the original Paul Blart? It doesn’t get any better than that, amiright?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Scott: incredible cinematography

  22. BleedBlueBleedGreen says:
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    Oh great Tehol, I must ask you too. Rua or Jace Peterson? Team needs aside, stats only. It is dynasty which i dont think matters with these two. And if that D-bag on Greys comments today was being for real then..fuuuuuuuck him!! lol. Tehols the shit man, thx for the posts

    • Tehol Beddict says:
      (link)

      @BleedBlueBleedGreen: been getting hit with a ton of Jace Peterson questions lately.im actually more intrigued by Rua. Love the upside in texas. Peterson just not that exciting for me. Cheap speed tho.

      Ummm yea he was for real look at my comment section hahaha he owns it

  23. Scott says:
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    Wade Davis? Joakim Soria? Carlos Martinez?

    What’s the deal with Graveman? Is he still going to be a RP?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Scott: is u talking holds, playa?? C mart In the rotation and I’ve been feeling him heavy for a long time so he’s my fave.id take wade over Soria right now strictly based on soria health but obviously Soria has great chance of being closer in Detroit as soon as joe Nathan begins to falter. Final rankings. 1)Carlos aka bae 2) Soria 3) davis. But if u strictly talkin holds than reverse dem

  24. Pope says:
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    Tehol!!

    Just wanted to say what’s up, brother.

    I am not dead, and I’m pumped for baseball.

    Keep on keepin’ on. Your shit is the shit

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Pope: The hood pope!!!! buddy, I thought you left me for bleacher report! Talk soon. miss you

  25. Charles says:
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    Hey, speaking of RCL, if anyone has a hole to fill for a Sunday draft, let me know. I like filling holes.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Charles: “Fill me up, fill me up, fill me up.” — Kid A’s Mom

  26. Wowzers says:
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    Rather get bit by a dozen mosquitos in Magic Johnson’s house then re-read this blog

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Wowzers: Welcome back. I don’t joke about AIDS tho. herpes? sure. aids? no

Comments are closed.