Greetings! The time has come! This is what we’ve all been so patiently waiting for! Yaaaaaaasssss, Bruce Jenner’s sex change is upon us!!! Rejoice! It’s also a cool time of the year because MLB is starting up again. I suppose that means we should get down on some mo fantasy baseball type shizzz. Are you ready? No, I said, ARE YOUR READY!?!? Okay, sweet.
I so desperately wanted to write a preseason piece on Domonic Brown, but I was notified that he received over 500 words in my outfielders post, making it a no go this week. Can you even imagine? That would be like some moron pathetically green lighting a sequel to Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Only my Domonic column would probably go on to win awards and Blart 2 would be about as entertaining as watching Rosie O’Donnell’s love box fart for two straight hours…..WHAT?!?!?!?!? THEY’RE MAKING A PAUL BLART SEQUEL!??! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?!?!? My generation got Home Alone and Radio Flyer. The children of today get Paul effing Blart? Kevin James should be ashamed of himself for this. It’s embarrassing enough piggybacking the falling star that is Adam Sandler into 90% of his movie roles, but this is beyond pathetic. Hey, at least his untalented brother will get another meaningless role. Laaaaaawd, make it stop.
Enough about Blart. I’m here to talk about closers. I am Tehol Beddict, and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Francisco Rodriguez – For the life of me, in my heart of hearts, I cannot decipher why K-Rod has ever fallen out of favor while disgraceful peasants like Matt Lindstrom keep popping up like a surfeiting genital wart, getting countless opportunities to save ballgames. Where were the White Sox at last year when the record-breaking, Elder God blessed, future ascendant that is K-Rod was free to sign anywhere? Don’t get it twisted, Rod Dog is one of the most prodigious closers in MLB history. I’m sick and tired of the blatant disregarding of this man’s resume. LOOK AT THE MOTHER EF-ing STATISTICS!!!!! Every year, I’m forced to sit around and wonder if ANYBODY is going to attempt to sign this hog life living stallion.
If you mention Jonathan Broxton to me, I might hock a loogy in your friggin’ eyeball. Bruh is like the Steven Seagal of the MLB, only he doesn’t whoop ass like a savant. He’s just fat, musty, and sloppy. Sure, point out his sexy ERA peppered in over the last few seasons. I care not. Much like Chevy Chase’s acting career and life in general, Chunkstyle’s K’s per 9 has fallen off a Mount Thor type cliff, and I refuse to believe he hasn’t been insanely lucky. Doubt me if you dare, but have your apology letter well rehearsed and it’s possible I’ll forgive you. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s incredibly merciful.
Neftali Feliz – I’ll never forgive Feliz for gargling Marsupial testicles in the 2011 World Series but let’s not be unreasonable here. If my animal instincts are correct, Texas should be straight up gutter trash this season, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid Feliz like a chick that just got done getting boinked by Rick Solomon. It’s okay, Feliz does not have herpes! Metaphorically, that is. Who cares if he actually has herpes. Statistics say that 1/3 people have a strand of it, so I suppose there’s a 33.3333333333% chance he does have it, but that’s really besides the point here. The point IS Feliz has had another offseason of strengthening his arm and shoulder, the K’s per nine should jump from the 6.0 he was at last season, to about 8. The job is his and any games Texas wins should be close, right? You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Cody Allen – THE CODESTER!!! Thank me in the comment section for this video.
We’re not here to speak on Cody Lambert ( Though it’s probably more entertaining). No, we’re here to talk about my new man-crush: the legend in the making that is, Cody Allen. Anytime a pitcher is approaching 12 k’s per nine, I get that old fashioned romantic feeling…where I’d do anything to bone him….errrr, I mean own him. The only question I have is, why in the name of the all powerful Elder Gods did Cleveland not hand the reigns over to this T-100 Terminator, disguised as a baseball player, sooner? Witnessing Chris Perez pitch used to make me shrivel up like I just dived into the pacific ocean in the dead of winter. Either way, Allen has as much upside as any closer in baseball this season, and can be had a ways after the usual top-3 guys. Cleveland is expected to win quite a few games this season, and Allen will be closing the door on a large portion of em. Strike fast, strike true.
Jenrry Mejia – My obsession with Mejia began back in 2010, when the Mets brought him up to the majors at age 20. The kid was and is nasty, even after incurring Tommy John surgery in 2o11. Mejia wasn’t spectacular by any means last season, walking a derriere [Jay’s Note: ?] load of batters…BUT, we all love a closer that can get himself out of a jam by striking out two-or-three batters in a row if need be, and Mejia is that kinda dude, aaaaahkaaay! Sure, Bobby Parnell had a couple rock solid couple seasons in the bullpen, but are we really to believe that he’s going to come off Tommy John surgery in his age 30 season, and instantly be the savior, let alone be superior to Mejia the Elder blessed? You must be out your rabbid ass mind. Check yourself, before you wreck yourself.
Beddict on Television….
Bloodline – Netflix does it again, boys and girls! Another classic in the books. What a cast…SMH, what a god damned cast. We all expected Kyle Chandler, who plays John Rayburn to be the star, and though he’s fairly entertaining, he ranks below both Ben Mendelsohn, who plays the family Ef-up Danny Rayburn, and the erection inducing legs of Linda Cardellini, who plays the lone female sibling Meg Rayburn. Laaaaaaaaaaaaawd, this woman has changed my life, I kidd you not. I’d trade all my coco induced nights of ho-hopping just to squeeze those curvy, yet sculpted thighs. Ahhhhhhhhh…….okay, I’m going to need a few minutes……wow, that was powerful. Have you ever witnessed the magnificence of Old Faithful when it erupts at Yellowstone National park? Imagine something thrice as supreme, and then you’ll have a smidge of clue, of what Meg Rayburn does to Beddict. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he appreciates the female body.
The one character I kinda sorta despise is Kevin Rayburn, played by none other than Norbert Leo Butz. Pause. Yes, his name is actually Norbert. Growing up, having the name, Tehol Beddict, brought me much ridicule, but it must have been laughably minuscule in comparison to what young Norbert went through….But I digress ( I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY/WRITE THIS but i just did it)…or do I? Anway, Norbert is the youngest and by far the most annoying Rayburn bro. He’s got one of those John C. Reilly faces that only a mother could love…that is until we witnessed Talladega Nights and Step Brothers. Then we all adored him as his hideousness somehow just disappeared faster than one of Derek Jeter’s one nighters, only we didn’t get gift baskets. AGAIN, I’m rambling. Ughhhh. So sorry, but highly doubt Norbert reaches Reilly levels, but I’ve been wrong at least once before in my life.
Did I even remotely explain what the show was about? Do you really want someone spoiling it for you? Just watch the preview and then peep it out.
When have I ever done you wrong? In the “Beddict on Television” section, of course. Not in fantasy baseball. I’m sure I’ve had a few minor misses in that area… Bloodline is a spectacular show. I’m gonna move on now.
LaTroy Hawkins – WTF is this peon still doing closing anywhere but a Denny’s restaurant??? I mean come on, seriously, before last season, this ancient relic only had two 20-save seasons on his resume! Homey was pitching back when O.J. Simpson was still a national treasure. Last season, I would have bet both my balls and one big toe that Rex Brothers stole that job within a month, as I drafted him in almost every league. It was like putting a married Brad Pitt on location with a scintillatingly naughty Angelina Jolie, and expecting him to be able to resist her Medusa stare. IT WAS A LOCK! Yet here we are, a year later, and “The Hawk” is coming off a somewhat decent season in which he had 23 saves and a respectable 3.39 ERA. On the other hand, with a pedestrian 5.3 K’s per nine, Hawk might have just been luckier than a dude on his bachelor party that snorted 200 milligrams of powdered Special K, raw-dogged three Tijuana streetwalkers and donkey, and somehow coming out of it STD free. If we still aren’t clear, there is positively, absolutely, conclusively NO WAY, that Hawkins keeps the closers job for the entire season. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Grant Balfour – Grant, sir, respectfully, IDFWU!!! I’d imagine that watching this putz on the mound is a lot like hitting up a KKK rally. An anglo Saxon dude screaming and pumping himself up as if he’s some badass, ready to fight whoever laughs at him for giving up YET ANOTHER bases loaded walk, when in reality he’s just some Aussie pop tart, and I’d bet Smokey’s manhood on Dustin Pedroia’s miniature ass beating the brakes off him. So done with Balfour. So done.
Joe Nathan – Joe Nathan is crustier than a pair of Jesus’s drawls. Drafting Joe Nathan to your fantasy team is like selecting Johnny Depp to star in a major motion picture: great name recognition, disgraceful results. Oh, I’m sorry. I truly didn’t mean offense towards the two of you who loved Mordecai. Just don’t, for the Elder Gods are rarely incorrect when it comes to these things. WITNESS!
Thank you for joining me for another incredibly bodacious version of Disgrace/Delight. I’m here to serve you and your spouse to the best of my capabilities. I also do bachelorette parties, so please keep that in mind. My heart is pounding and my penile implant is humming as the MLB regular season is upon us!!! Is there any greater joy on this earth? The birth your child? Doubtful… Your wedding day? No need to even answer that one. Glory be to the Elder Gods. Thank them for allowing us to participate in this magical game of wits.
Speaking of wits, I’m assuming many of you play DFS, and Razzball has some tools that are hotter than Oprah’s breath after a bowl of tabasco drenched New England clam chowder washed down with a liter of V8 juice. If you don’t have use of these tools, then some would say you’re at a disadvantage. Tell em Beddict sent cha, and I’ll DM you a naked flick of me and Ralph. I’m sorry, Ralph and I.
As per usual your comments and questions will be answered promptly below. I hope this you’re having a fabulous week. Beddict out.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Tehol143.