On June 3rd, 2013, a young Cuban, armed with 5 tool ability and a rockin bod, landed on the Southern Coast of California. He was called upon to save a sinking ship, filled with disgracefully overpaid former all-stars including Manager Don Mattingly, who doesn’t seem to be capable or running a little league team, let alone the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hoping to find support from this beautiful Cuban specimen, they intended to immediately plug him into their leadoff spot as they intended to rise out of the cellar and eventually take over first place in the standings. It became evident from the first few hours of playing, that this stunning specimen was quite possibly their savior. The aforementioned Mattingly was going to place spark plug Nick Punto in the leadoff spot, but wisely was overruled by upper management as Don is the perfect little puppet. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. Consequently, the Dodgers have won 3 out of their last 4 games and the baseball world has been taken hostage by this awe-inspring young Cuban. His name: Yasiel Puig, and he’s now batting 438 with 3 dongs and 9 ribbies, adding up to 27.5 fantasy points in 4 days. I’ve got to admit that I’m a little upset with rotoworld for breaking the news that the Dodgers were calling up Joc Pederson, so I grabbed him instead. WHOOPS! Can I sue them for pain and emotional suffering? Get Cochran on this ASAP! What?! He’s dead? When did that happen? Are there any other African American legends I can get on the case? I need that Cochran swag and unfortunately white guys just come off as douche b@gs when they act that way.
Anyway, Puig is obviously a must own as you want to ride this as long as you can. We could have a possible Mike Trout type situation on our hands here gentlemen (and ladies). Realness is pouring out of this stud’s pours and I can only dream of being a part of it. Should you sell high? Well considering I offered Nelson Cruz for him and was asked “I hope your kidding,” he might be a tough get. I suppose that could have something to do with the fact that Cruz is more than likely going to be suspended for 100 games but who knows. June 3rd will forever be remembered throughout history, as “The Bay Of Puigs.” A star is born. Two, if you’re counting me. Oh you’re not counting me? #@## you!!!!!!!!! I’m kidding (No, I’m not).
As you may or may not know, my main focus is head to head leagues/points leagues and I’m gonna give to you raw like O.D.B. Here’s what else went down this week.
Matt Moore – NEGATIVE 17 1/2 points, huh Matty? I beat an elderly woman senseless after your meltdown pushed me over the edge. Ok, I didn’t do that, but God, did I ever want to. My fitness model senses were giving me all the signs that Moore was due for a mental breakdown of Paris Jackson proportions (too soon?), yet I couldn’t resist starting him as I’m sure 95 percent of you did as well. Oh you didn’t? You think you’re better than me!? Sorry, I’m a little high strung after my Miami Heat gave away the home opener to the Spurs. Kudos to you if you benched him. His next start is another tough one, against Baltimore. I say he bounce-ba-bounces back, ya’ll.
Julio Teheran – If you listened to the podcast last week like proper razzballians, you would have heard me start the show off with a bang and gotten some good adds for the coming weeks. Teheran is a guy I’ve been enamored with for weeks and was only owned in about 40 percent of leagues. Well, I’m pretty sure he will be close to 100 percent owned by Sunday so hurry up and buy! His stuff looked more un-hittable than Rosie O’Donnell at 10 am on a Wednesday, and I am on my knees right now praying young Julio isn’t replaced in the rotation by Beachy. Oh, what a travesty that would be, as Teheran just dropped 34.5 fantasy points on Wednesday. What a travesty indeed.
Evan Gattis – Did you know Gattis is the 3rd ranked catcher in fantasy baseball right now? Egads, ya’ll! Everytime he gets cold, I expect him to fade into obscurity like Christian Slater, but he bounces back every single time (very much unlike Christian Slater). Atlanta simply has to use a rotation with their outfield, especially considering how Heyward and the Upton bros are all struggling mightily. Seriously, how can they sit El Oso Blanco? It’s downright criminal. So is the fact that I’m not gracing the cover of “Mankini Weekly,” but I’m not crying about it. I am, actually.
Samuel Deduno – Two very nice starts in a row. After the first one, Uno had my curiosity. After the second, he has my attention. Keep on eye on this Dominican as he led the Texas league in strikeouts in 2007, so the potential is there. What’s the Texas league you ask? Shizz, I don’t know man. All I know is I like this guy and Uno is a wicked nickname.
Gordon Beckham– If you’re desperate for a 2 bagger, as I’m sure many of you are, grab Becks. The guy can hit a little bit and even stole a couple bags Wednesday night. I mentioned Beckham on the podcast as well. Having the ability to do radio work and the kind of body of a Greek God is a true blessing from the Elder Gods and I never take it for granted. Jim Rome says the same thing but we know he’s lying to himself. His wife told me he showers in a bathing suit.
Bartolo Colon – Just how much HGH and deer antler paste has been injected into Colon’s buttocks? There’s just no reasonable explanation for the type of performances BC has been putting on as of late and I want answers. Speaking of Colon’s buttocks, I haven’t seen an ass that big since I accidentally walked in on Anna Nicole-Smith getting drilled by her lawyer Howard Stern when I was auditioning for a role on her reality show. RIP. I can’t believe I’m saying this but Colon is definitely someone who should be owned right now. This dough boy is 7-2 with a 3.142 ERA and dropped 22 points in his last start. Send him a box of jelly donuts to show your gratification.
Brandon League – Whoever made the decision to resign League to a contract worth up to 33.5 million dollars should have their testicles clipped with a weed wacker. The man is one of the top 10 worst closers in baseball and they have a top 5 level closer working the 8th innings? Hmmmm. Kenley Jansen deserves the job and has more than proved he is capable. Every time League gets close to losing it, he somehow rebounds and gets a couple in a row. This causes me to break things and scream at the top of my lungs like a a rich teenage girl. I haven’t been this angry with another man since the head guy at Playgirl told me I’d never make it in their magazine. I suppose Jansen needs to be rostered since I know, deep in my heart, that League is going to lose the closer job. It’s just so painful rostering an 8th inning guy for I don’t respect it, unless you’re in a league where you get points for holds of course.. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE LET KENLEY CLOSE!
Ryan Doumit– R2D2 has been raking lately. Just an observation.
Cole Hamels – Hamels bizzounced back in a major way Wednesday with 29.5 fantasy points but is still a good buy low candidate. I’m sure Phillies’ upper management is wondering if it’s a coincidence that he started blowing balls right after he got paid in a major way. Still, I say he figures it out and the Phils make a push for the playoffs behind the mighty “Sir Domonic” Brown.
J.J. Hardy – I haven’t seen someone play with such abundant rapaciousness since I witnessed the whole Cash Money Crew descend upon the strippers at the Queen of Diamonds in Miami back in 99. Hardy is hot like lava and should be owned in all formats. He was a late round pick this year but has 30 homer potential, and right now he’s feasting.
Josh Hamilton – I haven’t seen someone go into a slump like this since Chris Farley. Oh wait, he died. Ok, I lied, I’ve never seen anyone go into a slump like this. I don’t have any answers for you but I’d still try and buy low on him. Speaking of Farley, not even death stopped him from getting this gem released nationwide. Speaking of Almost Heroes, I could have just as easily have used Matthew Perry for the joke as he might as well be dead also.
My friends, it’s been a pleasure as always. I hope you enjoyed me on the podcast this week and hopefully I will be on more often in the future. I will be unless Capozzi wants to wake up to dead squirrel heads in his bed and his soda water machine missing. As per usual your questions and comments will be responded to in a timely fashion. Don’t hesitate to follow me on twitter at TeholBeddict47 and feel free to DM me naked pics of women of all ages. I’ll be back.