Fantasy Baseball Advice

David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain.  2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort.  This year is The Closepocalypse.  If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right. (Oh no, I Can Haz Razzburger has taken over the site!!!  Guys and four girl readers, picture the earth is a lolzpop, then this is The Closepocalypse.  My apologies, but our advertisers asked if I could bring in more of the teenaged Asian girl demographic.)  So Rafael Soriano will continue to get saves.  I wouldn’t assume the Yankeensteins will just go to Robertson when he’s healthy, so it’s imperative and other serious-sounding words to grab Soriano.  Bee tee dubya, it’s crazy how much Soriano sounds like Sanrio, right?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – Got two marginal-to-bad strike calls on him and went DRUNK HULK on the ump.  DRUNK HULK WISH UMP BAD THINGS LIKE HAVE TO TEACH FIELDING TO EDWIN ENCARNACION.  I hope the fact that Lawrie was right about the lousy calls gives him solace when he gets his 5-10 game suspension.

Freddie Freeman – Day-to-day with corneal abrasion.  I always thought corneal abrasion was being constipated after you ate corn.  Eh, what do I know?

Kevin Youkilis – On Wednesday, he will begin a minor league assignment.  That assignment is to re-injure himself so Middlebrooks can keep playing.  If he fails, Middlebrooks will be back in the minors in a week.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Nothing kills the inspiration for country song writing like a start vs. the Mariners.

Alfonso Soriano – Ended his HR drought on his 116th AB.  He’s also at 1 SB.  He went from 40/40 to probably 40 in 10 years.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer.  *phone rings*  “This is Grey.”  “LaHair  LaHere.  Sell this!”  *dial tone*

Chris Heisey – Has now started three games in a row and is 6 for his last 7.  In mixed leagues, it’s still wait and see right now, but he’s got a nice bat if Dusty would stop chewing on his toothpick long enough to let him play.

Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 5 ER and his ERA is still 1.89.  Ridiculous.  I wouldn’t freak out just yet, ERAs aren’t meant to be that low.  Lance Lynn, “Shh!”

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 with his third homer as Berkman sat out sore.  Well, at least I didn’t have to talk about Craig’s three hits.  D’oh!

Jon Jay – Onto the DL with shoulder soreness.  Carlos Beltran and Lance Berkman can shift over to CF if the Cards schedule all home games in 2007.  Short of that, it’s going to be a blahtoon of Skip Schumacker and Shane “Reggie Cleveland All-Star” Robinson in CF.  If you don’t have the DL room, feel free to drop Jay in shallow leagues.

Jason Motte – 1 IP, 1 ER as he blew his 2nd save, but Dolis returned volley with a run, so Motte got the win.  With The Closepocalypse, it’s a wonder some games ever end.

Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Oh, no, Bartolo needs another collagen injection!  FWIWuertz, there should be a DRUNK BARTOLO Twitter account.

Cliff Lee – Pitched 8 innings of one run, 10 K ball against the Astros, but he still couldn’t earn his 1st win of the year because of a blown save by Chad Qualls.  Really?  Chad Qualls?  Fine, Papelbon needs a breather now and then but that’s the 2nd best option in the Phillies’ pen?  Ruben Amaro is tugging on something and it ain’t no McGraw.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 8th and 9th homers, raising his RBIs to 25.  You can set your watch by Pence’s stats, and right now it’s 9:25.

Vance Worley – Scratched due to a sore arm.  If it’s sore, stop scratching!

Mike Moustakas – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  Go, go, go, go, go, go, go…  It’s Greek Lightning!

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  We talk a bit about Colby later today in our podcast.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Scott Van Slyke – 0-for-4 as he got the start in the Dodgers’ outfield (and in the three hole), and will continue (to start in the outfield) while Kemp’s on the DL.  In Triple-A this year, he had 8 homers and a .336 average, showing solid plate discipline, but that was in the PCL.  Van Slyke looks like a ‘just okay’ grab for NL-Only leagues if you’re an outfielder down.  I will say this, he’s a much better fielder than Bobby Bonilla’s son.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Cruised through 5 innings against the tough Tiger lineup, then got blasted for six in the 6th.  Ventura should’ve pulled him before he gave up the 3rd/4th/5th runs on a homer to Ryan friggin’ Raburn.  I think Ventura went to pull him out and Peavy’s southern drawl reminded him of Nolan Ryan and he wanted him to suffer.

Travis Ishikawa – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  Eh, he’s nothing but a deep NL-Only flyer. Does that make sensei?  See, he is Sucky-san.

Jose Valverde – Left yesterday’s game with back stiffness that isn’t supposed to be serious.  Too bad, I was hoping for a reason why he’s been so terrible all year.  Octavio Dotel ended up saving the game after allowing two runs to be tacked onto Valverde’s line.  Thanks, friend!  I grabbed Benoit then dropped him immediately for Dotel.  My figuring is Dotel has a bit more closer experience.  He’s cagey!  It could easily be Benoit who sees saves too.  If anyone knows exactly which closer will be used while Valverde is on the mend, Dotel!

Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 5 ER.  You know how they’re doing that dopey MLB cave thing where they take a bunch of fans and subject them to every inning of every game like it’s Clockwork Orange?  I have a spinoff for MLB.  Tell one guy, while he’s been cooped up in the fan cave for the last two months, the entire west coast was wiped out due to an earthquake.  Then compare that heart rate with his when he owns both Scherzer and Gallardo in fantasy.

Anthony Bass – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This comes two starts after he gave up 6 ER to Miami, so I’d grab Bass, but get ready to throw him back.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with his first win, but second quality start in a row.  By Josh, I think he’s got it!  Sorry, that’s terrible.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs.  Okay, I’d trade you Zack Cozart for Infante right now.  Can we make that happen?

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  On the bright side, ESPN’s 24 hour Harper news cycle has a 2nd highlight.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The sub-par start was due to him being bothered by the ointment, Hot Stuff, in his groin area.  Now when he’s pitching well, Nats fans can yell, “It’s da bomb!” and when he’s pitching poorly, they can yell, “It’s da balm!”

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Pitchers like Ervin should have their own category.  They’re not Hodgepadres.  They’re not Marginers.  They’re mixed league starters that are must-starts against weaker offenses, then you pray in other starts.  Maybe you suggest a glossary term in the comments.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs.  And just like that he’s hitting .212!  Yeah, that’s still not so good.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3).  Maybe he can have a half of a blurb on the ticker right when ESPN HARPER is going to commercial.

Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and also a slam (11) and legs (6).  Let’s play a little game.  Who’s higher on the Razzball Player Rater?  Ryan Braun or Jones?  Bruce or Jones?

Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Lowered his ERA to 2.45 but unless I lowered my standards (see what I did there?) I wouldn’t pick him up in a mixed league.

Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4, I’m not going to point out again that he’s hot but I will point out that I’m not pointing out that he’s hot.

Alex Cobb – Sounds like he could take Niemann’s spot in the rotation.  He didn’t exactly shine last year in his call-up (6+ K/9, 3.90 xFIP), but in the minors he was able to push his K-rate towards 9 with decent ratios.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab him if you need to *pinkie to mouth* Cobble together some pitching.  And that was corny on the Cobb.  I’m on a roll!  Literally, it’s pumpernickel.

Derek Lowe – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Twins.  It was throwback day at Target Field.  Derek Lowe pitched like it was 2002, and the Twins hit like it was the Dead Ball Era.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Now hitting around .350 in the last week with one steal.  Well, it’s better than batting .150 with nothing.  Hey, Hosmer!

Shin Soo-Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer.  He was Soo-Overdue.

A.J. Pierzynski – 5-for-5. 3 RBIs, 2 runs with 4 singles and a double.  Solid year for A.J. (.288, 24 RBIs is 4 more than Konerko) although I keep thinking he’s on Arizona.  That’s A.J. Pollock which is really close depending on how you pronounce it.

Yoenis Cespedes – Cleared for all baseball activities except hitting.  Cool, he can spit and grab himself now.

Manny Ramirez – Billy Beane knows that the Johnny Gomes show isn’t going to do too well in summer re-runs so get ready for May 30th when Manny brings his brand of zany mediocrity to Oakland’s part-time DH slot.  His show is called, “Once Too Manny” with Jerry Blevins as The Bleaver.

It’s always good to look at spring training numbers to give you an idea as what to expect from guys for the season.  They’re facing top pitchers who are all displaying their best stuff.  No one needs time to get warmed up.  No one’s trying new pitches or getting a feel for the ball.  They are at the height of their game in March.  In fact, I think someone should propose to Bud that the World Series could easily be played in March.  Yes, The March Classic.  I like how that sounds.  Since these spring training numbers mean so much, I decided to look at the top slugging guys in March:

Corey Hart – Leading the charge with slugging at .976.  Obviously, no night games and wearing sunglasses is a recipe for success.

Mike Jacobs – He’s even hitting lefties this spring as he racked up 20 RBIs and 7 homers.

Travis Ishikawa – Five homers already and a slugging percentage of .649.  Wow, huh?  Seriously, reread the word before “huh.”  No, that’s a comma.  Before that.

Jed Lowrie – He’ll easily end the spring as Boston’s best hitter with a line of .462/500/.872.  Can anyone say MVP?

These are the top 4 sluggers for 2009 Spring Training.  That’s right.  Not 2010.  A real beauty pageant of names, right?  Seriously, please stop looking at spring stats.  Corey Hart didn’t come within 450 points of that slugging percentage for one single month of last year as he went on to his worst season in the majors.  Lowrie hit 2 homers and batted .147 in 2009.  If you need me to tell you what the other two did, you might need Matthew Berry’s help.  Spring stats mean nothing.  You should only be looking at who’s healthy, who’s winning position battles and who’s winning rotation spots.  The rest is meaningless.

The Carpenter/Gallardo duel reminded me of Landon and Brittini taking on Mark and Rachel as they competed to see who could slide the furthest on giant blocks of ice while wearing nothing but speedos.  (BTW, Nice to see Mark battling the ageism of MTV.  Stick it to man!  Wait, he is a man.  Show those rapscallions, gramps!)   Chris Carpenter went 8 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 10 Ks, then Yovani Gallardo removed his fey white gloves and went 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, i.e., the other end of the duel.  Going forward, I’d trade Carpenter away and trade for Gallardo.  You may be right, I may be crazy.  Gallardo can throw 200 Ks and a sub-4 ERA.  While Carpenter will be tremendous if healthy, but that if is supersized.  Now, no one’s saying to trade him for a Circuit City gift card, but I’d see what kind of deals you can broker.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – He fell to the ground in pain like he was just, um, capped as a line drive hit him in the arm.  It looked as if it could lead to a DL stint.  I grabbed John Grabow in every league.  Jesse Chavez might see some chances, but I’m not intoxicated enough to own two Pirate relievers.

Mat Gamel – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks, then Bill Hall hit the game winner.  That’s not how it’s supposed to work out.  The good news was Gamel was playing without the DH.  Though we’ll see how long that lasts.

Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.   Hughes remembers where he lost his “Next Big Thing” Award.  It was sitting next to his “Can’t Decide Whether He’s Good Or Not” trophy.

Nelson Cruz – Last six games, 5 homers, 4 steals, batting .294 on the season. I say he gets up to about .309 then it bottoms out to .275, then he cranks it up to .304, then trips up to .280, then… Well, you get the picture.

Gil Meche – Was a mess throwing 73 pitches through two and a third innings.  Somehow only allowing two earned.  I’d run him out there in his next start vs. the White Sox, then we might need to reevaulate.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 IP, 12 baserunners, 6 unearned runs.  The Lords of Fantasy Baseball granted me my one wish this year and made Wandy’s 1st inning debacle all unearned runs.  Tie my to the WHIPping post and call me grateful.

Aaron Harang – After hours of a rain delay, Dusty sent Harang back out there for one out to get a Win.  Arm injuries be damned!  Leave it to Dusty.

Joey Votto – Seems to only have an ear infection at the inception of the game.  Is he trying out for the Fear Strikes Out remake?  You my friend are no Anthony Perkins.

Hunter Pence – Quietly hitting .358 on the season.  I say quietly because he only has 5 HRs and 5 steals.  Hey, you’ll take it and like it, but I have to think the average will come down — but the power should go up.

Jonathan Papelbon – Got the save but gave up two earned and another homer.   There’s a few options in the Sawx bullpen for Tito to turn to, but I don’t think it’s going to get that far for another week or two of meltdowns.

Joe Mauer – He didn’t start, but he did get another homer.  Without seeing the highlights, I’m going to assume he hit this one from the bench.

Francisco Liriano – 4 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners.  F-Liriano.  No, that’s not a nickname.  That’s my sentiment.

Jorge De La Rosa – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hey, only two walks!

Juan Pierre - 2-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and .385 on the season.  When Manny returns, Pierre may be traded to a club that needs a full-time outfielder, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Mr. T – Sung the 7th inning stretch in Wrigley yesterday, but even more comical is the groans he made throughout the half inning he was in the booth.  If I had the techno know-how, I would’ve recorded the audio.  After a double play, Mr. T, “Grrr… Oh, man.  Grrr…. Grrr…”

Chad Gaudin – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Someone remind never to start him outside of Petco.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save yesterday while only walking one.   When I’m modifying walk with “only,” he’s still not out of the woods.

Freddy Sanchez – 6-for-6, 4 Runs, 3 RBIs and a steal.  Please… That’s like Joe Mauer through a half inning.

Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 1 ER. There’s the Guthrie I fell in love with it.  I wouldn’t run him out there for his next start vs. the Tigers, but I’ll be monitoring him.  Someone’s gotta, right?

George Sherrill – Recorded his 10th save and his ERA’s down to 2.75.  Making a run for Donkey-corn status.

Brian Roberts – Hurt his shin then stayed in the game to double and triple.  Yeah, that doesn’t sound too serious.

Travis Ishikawa – 4-for-4 with a homer just days after Bochy says Guzman will see more ABs.  Could someone take Bill Hall and Ishikawa to the Pine Barrens?

Kenji Johjima – His little piggy went to the hospital in a splint.  Rob Johnson’s as boring as his name.  Maybe Jeff Clement is finally removed from purgatory.  (Speaking of purgatory, I saw Angels & Demons this weekend.  Grey leaves his computer!  News at 11!  For the trailer… From a terrible book to an awful movie, watch as Tom Hanks, with distractingly dyed hair, runs around in search of pointing statues!  Everyone seems guilty, except the guy who is!  At least there’s no albinos!)

Adam Kennedy/Ichiro Suzuki – These two opposing lead-off hitters both went 4-for-4.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two lead-off hitters in the same game both went 4-for-4.  Actually… They didn’t say that.  But this was heard recently around the offices, “For the third time this week, Bob put his garbage can on his desk and labelled it, ‘In.’”

Francisco Rodriguez – Not sure how in two days he went from “crying over back pain” to the mound with his violent delivery, but there he was again.  Guess he’s *pinkie to mouth* OK-Rod.

Jose Reyes – Still out.  Does Votto and him share a doctor?  Maybe one of them can call K-Rod’s.

Ervin Santana – 1 IP, 7 ER.  Honestly, I don’t think he’ll be this bad going forward, but I did tell you to trade Ervin away two weeks ago.

Vladimir Guerrero – Returned to the lineup and went 0-for-4.  Hey, he had a better game than Ervin.

Alexei Ramirez – Now apologize for hating him for 2 months.  Not to me, to him.

Carlos Quentin – Left the game after running out a double.  His heel could nag him all year.  Can they give someone a cortisone shot in the heel?  Seriously, anyone know? Anyone, besides Joey Votto’s doctor.

David Price – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 BBs, 6 Ks.  Price continued where he left off in Triple-A, which is not good.  He’s walking too many guys and his home run rate is up.  Hopefully, he can figure out his major malfunction.

J.P Izzywheelfourson – Meet Implosion.  Implosion meet J.P. Izzywheelfourson.  For those keeping track, and you all should be, Nelson pitched a perfect 7th and Wheeler didn’t pitch at all.  So Izzy may have been the closer coming in, but Wheeler and Howell move up just by staying out of that meltdown and Nelson moves up by pitching well.  Or… Izzy + Balfour < Nelson + Wheeler + Howell = Ulcer.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4.  Yesterday, I said pickup Ben Zobrist.

Carl Crawford – 29 steals, zero times caught.  That’s remarkable.  I didn’t even know he faced the Padres.

Who doesn’t love a good comeback story?  Mickey Rourke, Jamie Walters, Wilco’s Sky Blue Sky after a very hit or miss, A Ghost is Born…  Now there’s Edwin Jackson.  Last night, he pitched a gem. 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER with 89 pitches.  I love prospects that seem destined for greatness then fail. (see Alex Gordon Love™.  Don’t see Felix Pie Love™, Jeff Clement Love™ or Andy LaRoche Semi-Love™).  Edwin Jackson fits that post-hype prospect bill.  He was supposed to be so good for sooooo long. (Yes, five oh’s.) And he’s still only 25.  In deep leagues, I’m going to try him on for size.  If you need pitching, don’t wait until his next good start.  It may be too late.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Lincecum – He was pulled after 78 pitches with Bochy showing more restraint in one start than he did all of last year.  Obviously, I don’t own him on any team, but if I did, I wouldn’t cash the bailout check. (<– Not sure what that means, but it’s timely!)  Last year, Lincecum only threw 84 pitches in four innings in his first game of the year and went on to win the Cy Young… Of course, there was an hour and fourteen minute delay between his first pitch and last pitch and he was coming in in relief.  Nevertheless!  Lincecum will be fine and, even if he’s not, you’re not trading away your prize pitcher right after yesterday’s performance.  Sit tight, paisan.

Travis Ishikawa – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs.  You don’t know anything about him?  That’s the way it’s meant to be.  I have secrets!

Jeff Suppan – I can’t believe Milwaukee’s opening day pitcher was rocked.  Oh…it’s Suppan.  I can’t believe the Milwaukee opening day pitcher was Suppan.

Mike Cameron – 2 steals.  Said after the game about the Giants, “They were really swinging the bats today.”  They were facing the Soup.

Kyle Farnsworth – Cost me a win for Meche and a loss for Buehrle in my Razzball league.  We need a Razzball glossary term for this.  Please advise.

Ryan Zimmerman – Started the year 1-for-9.  Way to come out swinging!… And missing.  I swear, if you disappoint me this year, we’re through.

Cameron Maybin – One steal and batted 2nd yesterday.  That’s so Maybin!

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and after the game he saved a turtle from a burning building.

Jorge Cantu – Another HR.  In other news, the Marlins are petitioning major league baseball to only face the Nats this year.

Scott Olsen – 3 IP, 8 ER.  Marlins finally figure out what those other teams were talking about.

Josh Johnson – 6 2/3, 0 ER, 8 Ks.  Tried to push as many people as I could into drafting Johnson.  Hope people listened.

Chris Young – 6 IP, 2 ER.  Why ignoring spring training stats is sometimes the best medicine.

Heath Bell – Notched his first save.  I hope he entered to Hell’s Bells.

Alex Gordon – HR yesterday.  If he could just hit 25 more with a respectable average, I’d be so happy.

Ubaldo Jimenez/Dan Haren – Was like Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton out in Chase Field.

Ian Stewart – Rockie players were supposedly upset Stewart got the start on Opening Day over Barmes.  I can’t even imagine how upset they were with that deer.

DeWayne Wise – 0-for-4, 3 Ks.  When asked about the decision to lead off with Wise, Ozzie said, “Without Juan Uribe, what choice do I have?”

Geovany Soto – Left with shoulder soreness.  Will be out until the weekend.  If something happens to Koyie Hill, Soto said he could play, so I don’t think it’s that bad.  Then again, Theriot took warm up pitches from Heilman in the 9th.  If only Ozzie was managing the North Siders…

James Shields – 5 1/3, 5 ER.  Couple of doinks, a couple of donks and Ortiz’s badonkadonk.  Not a great start, obviously, but you can’t sit Shields.  Take solace in that…. I take solace everywhere and it always finds it’s way home — oofa!

Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter put it together with a very solid opening day start — 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 Ks.

Trevor Cahill – 5 IP, 2 ER.  He looked much worse.  The A’s start guys that have no business being in the majors.  I tend to ignore them.

Jason Motte – Was deemed unable to go yesterday after pitching on Monday.  Translation:  Franklin’s getting some saves whether Motte’s effective or not.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER. Get on the Wandwagon!

David Freese – Not playing again.  This time LaRussa opted for Joe Thurston.  In one hand, rookie with potential.  In the other hand, minor league journeyman.  Eh, just be happy LaRussa started Rasmus.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 in MLB debut.  That’s it, LaRussa.  Now give him 400 more ABs.

Brandon Morrow – During Morrow’s collapse on Tuesday, the Mariners announcer said Batista was “sparkling (on Monday).”  I’m not even joking.  Batista put something in the Mariners drink when they weren’t looking!  This job is still Morrow’s, no doubt.  But let’s go over quickly what we know.  1) Morrow can’t stay healthy.  2) Closing puts a lot of stress on a pitcher, physical and otherwise. 3) Batista’s their backup plan.  4) Batista sucks.  5) Batista spiked the Mariners’ drink.

Oh, they’re not just bad.  Nah, I outdid even myself this time.  On this drafternoon, I picked a team that is near-perfectly awful.  They simultaneously suck and blow.  On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven.  I did the math!  Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs.  If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job!  If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you.  And shame on this team!  I took part in a fantasy baseball draft this past Saturday to pick the worst fantasy baseball team.  And I think I done did it.  My co-conspirators in this were:

Roto Rob
Tirico Suave
Drunk Jays Fans
Fantasy Baseball Cafe
Fantasy Pros 911
Hire Jim Essian
Sharapova’s Thigh
Fantasy Baseball Geeks
Beyond the Box Score

Come with me as I take out the trash:

Random thoughts about various rounds of the draft:

ROUND 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know.  He’s eligible at 1st!  Need I continue?  Okay, he’s on the Nats.  Should I go on?  His K rate has been going up.  More?  He’s also eligible at 3rd.  All right, one more thing.  He’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs.  Bleh, and thank you.

ROUND 2 – It was between Chone Fuggums and Lousy Castillo.  Had to go with the more shallow position of 3rd base.  Fuggums will probably get 500 ABs, and, I don’t know, 4 HRs.  Not a bad guy for the Not Corner.

ROUND 3 – And Lousy Castillo makes it back to me.  Projected for 487 ABs and… Wait for it… Here it comes… Hold on, I have an itch… All right, here it is… Zero home runs!  WTF?  How is that even possible?

ROUND 4 – Okay, I’ve waited on crappy outfielders long enough.  Skip Suckmaker, you’re mine!  Thank you, LaRussa.

ROUND 5 – I’m actually worried about my Runs at this point.  No, I didn’t just drink some Mexican water.  So to clog up my tailpipe, I select Erick Aybar.  He’s projected for less than 50 Runs and over 400 ABs.  Later I will add his Brother in Razzball Charms.

ROUND 6 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet.  It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months.  Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will.  Without further ado, Brian Schneider.

ROUND 7 – And because no one knows when anyone is drafting a player, you (or at least I) want to fill up your (my) Utility spot with another catcher that I know will rack up the ABs and little else — Yadier Molina.

ROUND 8 – Super futility man, Willie Aybar.

ROUND 9 – Finally, I take a pitcher.  Not just any pitcher, but a pitcher worthy of a Razzball Spotlight, Gorilla Ponson.

ROUND 10 – B. Giles because anyone who’s ever played any level of baseball can put up his stats.

ROUND 11 – Travis Ishikawa.  Everyone loses a job on your fantasy Razzball team, so backups are very helpful and Giants hitters are even more so.  Worst case scenario, Ishikawa and Belliard will make a nice blahtoon.

ROUND 12 – Vicente Padilla, probably my riskiest pick so far.  He can’t make it out of May with a job, can he?

ROUND 13 – Endy Chavez.  Nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”

ROUND  14 – DeWayne Wise. Ozzie’s crazy enough to give him 500 ABs, but he’s not crazy enough to lead him off, is he?

ROUND 15 – Having played this league last year, I knew anyone I took on the pitching side would lose their job sooner than later if I was playing right.  With his 150th pick, Grey selects Danys Baez, a leading candidate for an Orioles rotation spot.  You heard me right, non-Orioles fans.  Baez might be an Orioles starter this year.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

ROUND 16 – Mark Buerhle.  Tried to balance all of the starters I was going to lose with a guy who can give me 200 lame innings.  There’s a chance I bench him until he gets cold.

ROUND 17 – Matt Harrison.  Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.

ROUND 18 – Jamie Moyer.  Another innings eater-slash-guy you can’t believe is still a major league starter.

ROUND 19/20 – Chris Dickerson and Gerald Laird.   Dickerson’s a K machine, but he’s the only guy on my entire team with any downside.  I’ll be honest.  I might be patroling the waiver wire for a Dickerson replacement.  As for Laird, it’s really hard to resist taking an extra catcher.  They’re all so good!

ROUND 23/24 – Jesse Litsch and Mike Pelfrey.  Some of you may be sad to see these guys here because you have them on your regular fantasy teams.  Let’s just say, I’m hoping these guys stay healthy because they could be in for an awfully wonderful year.

ROUND 25/26/27 – Kevin Frandsen and Cristian Guzman and Gabe Gross.  Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time.  Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.  Razztastic!