Fantasy Baseball Advice

In this month’s closer look, let’s discuss trading for closers.  Now before people think my battleship has sunk, I’m not saying to pay top dollar for closers.  But with us heading into July, it should be pretty clear how badly you need saves.  Luckily, saves are one of the categories (steals are another) where you can make up ground quickfast.  If you’re ten or more saves behind a pack of people and can gain three or more points with an additional closer or two, then you should be thinking about trading for a couple.   I’d look to trade one player from your strengths for two closers.  Think Shields for two donkey-corns.  Or a donkey-corn and a brain freeze.  It really depends on your strengths and weaknesses.  And since saves do come in bunches, if you’re finding yourself picking up plenty of ground in saves, then in August, you can trade away a closer or two for a different piece.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Broxton (Ronald Belisario, Ramon Troncoso, Cory Wade)
2. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
3. Joe Nathan (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

5. Heath Bell (Edward Mujica)
6. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Brian Bruney, Alfredo Aceves)
7. Bobby Jenks (-1) (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Brian Fuentes (+2) (Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
10. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Brad Ziegler, Michael Wuertz, Santiago Casilla)
12. David Aardsma (+12) (Sean White, Mark Lowe, Chad Cordero)
13. Brian Wilson (+2) (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Huston Street (+6) (Joel Peralta, Manny Corpas)
15. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (+2) (Joel Zumaya, Bobby Seay)
17. George Sherrill (+5) (Jim Johnson, Danys Baez, Chris Ray)
18. Brad Lidge (-8) (Ryan Madson)
19. Mike Gonzalez (-2) (Rafael Soriano)
20. Jose Valverde (+8) (LaTroy Hawkins, Chris Sampson)
21. Joakim Soria (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright, Kyle Farnsworth)
22. J.P. Howell (+8) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

23. Trevor Hoffman (-1) (Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
24. Frank Francisco (-14) (C.J. Wilson)
25. Kerry Wood (-8) (Chris Perez, Rafael Betancourt)
26. Matt Capps (-2) (John Grabow, Jesse Chavez, Sean Burnett)
27. Jason Frasor (-8) (Scott Downs, B.J. Ryan)
28. Chad Qualls (-15) (Tony Pena, Clay Zavada, Jon Rauch)
29. Mike MacDougal (Joe Beimel, Julian Tavarez)
30. Leo Nunez (-4) (Dan Meyer, Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Waco My Airplane)

Kelvim Escobar was sent to the bullpen.  His value goes from potentially good to potentially nothing.  Scioscia said Escobar will be pitching out of the bullpen for the rest of the season.  Scioscia also said Brandon Wood would start at shortstop two years ago and said Arredondo, the guy now in the minors, would be the closer and he said Rex Hudler’s got the best herb, when he wants to get wiggy with Figgy.  Escobar will probably start games again in a month or two.  But even if that is the case, he’s about as good to you now as those X-ray glasses you bought out of the back of a comic book when you were twelve.  Matt Palmer gets a boost in value, which is to say he actually has value now.   Palmer’s K/9 is 5.48.  Not great.  His BABIP is .228, that’s pretty lucky.  He’s rocking a 4.06 ERA right now, that’ll go up.  In AL-Only leagues, Palmer’s worth a spot, but he’s probably on a team already.  In mixed leagues, 15 or deeper?  Sure, but I wouldn’t touch him in 12 team leagues outside of matchups.  Friday vs. the Padres is a good matchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ervin Santana – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Member when he was only good at home?  Yeah, now he’s not good anywhere.  I think he’s headed for the Disgraceful List.

Matt Joyce – The return of Burrell pushes Joyce back to Triple-A.  Hopefully, he gets a real chance at some point.

Pat Burrell – He skipped his Single-A rehab assignment and, instead, will sit the bench for the next six games then be back in the DH spot when interleague’s over.  This is fascinating to me.  He was going to DH in a rehab game?  So he gets four ABs against a Single-A pitcher?  He couldn’t get that in batting practice?  Then he returns to sit the bench for a week?  The guy running the local Dairy Queen could make better decisions than some big league clubs.  A Sour Worm Blizzard is brilliant compared to this.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out for a normal day of rest.  What’s Hanley doing this year?  8/8?  Who are you, Shin-Soo Choo?  The Marlins have been threatening to put the brakes on Hanley for a few years now.  I think they finally manned up and told him to chillax.  Last year he only stole 12 bases in the 2nd half.  Now with his groin flare-up (no, not in that way) and the Marlins realizing he’s their bread and butter, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a 25/25 year.  Still a great year for a shortstop, just not what you might’ve thought you were getting.

Chien-Ming Wang – Will stay in the rotation for one more turn.  Just because Hankenstein’s sticking with him, doesn’t mean you need to.

Zach Greinke – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Okay, I get the whole great-season-let’s-countdown-to-his-Cy-Young thing.  But is “Greinke Suffers a No-Decision” really a headline?  Suffering from indecision maybe.

Willy Taveras – He relies on his legs and they’re hurting him.  Right now, he’s AGNOF!  The S is really critical.

Chad Qualls – Got the save.  I need saves in the league I own him in and I hate seeing him come into the game, not a great place to be.

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks, only 4 baserunners vs. the Giants.  I like Scherzer, so don’t read too much into this, but Schierholtz and Juan Uribe were the two and three hole hitters.  Hitting sixth, Kevin Frandsen with an .071 average on the year. Protecting him was Eli Whiteside.  Didn’t he win the Nobel for his book, Night? A Giants split squad game would be a 0-0 tie called on account of darkness.

Derrek Lee – HR yesterday.  .367 in June after hitting .313 in May.  The steals look like they’ll never come back, so he might be Lyle Overbay in disguise.

Ian Stewart – 12th homer, or one less than Ryan Braun.  In Yahoo, Stewart has 2nd and 3rd base eligibility.  Cust kayin’.

Nomar Garciaparra – Had an MRI done on his calf.  Who insures this guy?

Luke Scott – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  Whoa, don’t you dare go back to being mediocre.  Armando Galarraga’s filling that role.

Clete Thomas – Went from batting 3rd to being optioned to the minors.  Ah, yes, perfect sense.  Don Kelly will be recalled.  I’m assuming he’ll slot right into the three hole next.

John Maine – Headed to the DL with a sore shoulder.  Hey, a couple of days ago he had a dead arm.  Sore is progress.

David Wright – 3-for-4 and stole his 17th base as he tries to challenge Alex Rios’s 2008 season as the most perplexing in recent memory.

Joe Beimel – Got the save yesterday as Acta pulled the old banana-in-the-tailpipe on MacDougal owners.  MacDougal is supposedly still the closer, he had just worked too many days in the row.  The Nats might be the only team where their announced closer is the only one that doesn’t get saves.

Ricky Romero – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  I liked him for a while in April, then he went to the DL and I got bored.  Now he’s back (from outer space), he’s an ‘okay’ flier in deeper mixed leagues, but he’s been getting lucky with men left on base.  I’d be careful.

Kevin Millwood – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  Would you believe he has a 2.72 ERA on the year?  That’s not rhetorical.  Seriously, I had no idea.  I own him on an AL-Only team and I didn’t even know that.  Maybe he’s having one of those renaissance years.  But then he’d be walking around saying, “Good morrow, Kinsler!” and “Davis, fetch me some mead!”

Ross Gload – 2 HRs.  Army with harmony…Dave, drop a Gload on him!  What?  Nothing?  Oh, well.  I got the reference.

Todd Wellemeyer – 6 IP, 5 ER. Gload’s on you, Jack!  What?  Still nothing?  Hmm…

Ryan Franklin – 14th save, 1.14 ERA on the year.  Next year, he’s going to be so overvalued.  People are gonna be like, “Franklin had a sub-2 ERA.  He’s the bee’s elbows, knees and toes!”

Javier Vazquez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks.  Then Rafael Soriano threw Javy’s one bad inning for him giving up 2 runs.

Raul Ibanez – HR yesterday.  After the home run, he declared a fatwa on the whole Midwest.

The Orioles love their ex-Cubbies so they decided to sample some of their Pecan’t Pie rather than just hand the LF job to Nolan Reimold.  As with most of these rookies, a lot depends on starting jobs.  And Reimold doesn’t have one.  Yet.  So who’s blocking Reimold?  Luke Scott?  Who are you, Luke Scott?  A 30-something prospect?  Luke Scott must’ve called Matt Stairs for advice on how to prolong a major league career that should’ve ended years ago.   Go to the DL, Luke.  (He’s not there yet, but maybe if we all hold our breath.  What Razzballers want, Razzballers get!)  Then there’s Felix Pee-ay, who is crap-ay.  He was hurt in yesterday’s game.  Not to mention, many think his ship has already come and gone for prospect status.  If Reimold emerges from this O’s left fielder mess, he’s a slugger who we think could hit for power without costing you too much in the average department.  The nice thing about Reimold compared to a rookie pitcher — say, I don’t know, Hochevar! — is Reimold could slump for a week and only give you a few 0-for-4s, not a 36.00 ERA.  If we had to bet, we’d say the Orioles don’t bring him up in order to avoid giving him ‘Super 2′ status.  Why would we accuse the Orioles of leaving their best available player in the organization for a specific position in AAA?  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuk can take a spot on the DL.  Thanks Sawx.  Instead of just putting him on the DL with his oblique injury, they kept him on the bench for 7 days before doing it.  Hey man – you might have a bunch of bench spots but us fantasy owners don’t!  The DL stint is backdated so he might only be out for another week or so but oblique injuries can be a wickid pissah of an injury.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 3 ER.  “Johan, I think I heard Upton whispering to Byrnesie that they were saving their runs for Doug.  No, I’m not being paranoid!  Could you just come over?”

Stephen Drew – Returned from the DL.  Brother J.D. calls to ask, “They can DL you for less than 60 days?”

Ryan Ludwick – Pulled in the 1st inning with a hamstring injury.  That never sounds good.  If he has to go on the DL, LaRussa is down to two in his original 4 man OF rotation (Rasmus, Duncan).  We have a feeling LaRussa is trying to determine which young pitcher will make the better outfielder  – PJ Walters or Mitchell Boggs.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 shutout innings in Triple-A.  I’ve already picked him up in a deep league (16 teams).  Hey, I had to get rid of Hocevar as quick as possible.  If you have an open DL slot, slide a Wang into it.

Chris Davis – 9th homer of the year and up to .231.  Hello, Mr. Reynolds.  Goodbye, Mr. Reynolds.

B.J. Ryan – Ricciardi said even when Ryan returns, Downs will be his closer.  Yeah, I trust Ricciardi when it comes to B.J.

Carlos Quentin – Out until Friday with a sore heel.  That’ll teach him to break bats with his foot.

Luke Hochevar – I was roofied and violated.  We won’t go into specifics.  But I think I’m done with rookie pitchers.  Wait… Against the A’s?  Really?  Bring back Ponson!  I hate you, Hochevar.  And I’m glad I can’t pronounce your name, it’ll be easier to forget.

Derek Holland – 1.74 ERA on the year as he got his first win.  He’s just working middle relief right now, but he could move into the rotation picture.  Wait, didn’t I just say no more rookie pitchers?  Damn you, Hochevar.

Kevin Slowey – 6 IP, 1 ER.  Great to see Slowey do what he’s supposed to do after Hochevar kicked my teeth in.

Armando Galarraga – 5 2/3, 5 ER. I gotta be honest, it’s nice to see a guy I thought would fail do exactly that.  Sorry, to his owners.  Scharmandofreude!

Manny Parra – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks.  Manny being Parra with the Ks, but not the walks (only 2).  Encouraging…  Oh, wait.  It was the Marlins.  They don’t walk.

Zach Duke – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Has only had two disasters through 7 starts, but he doesn’t strikeout out that many guys so I’m a little weary. His ERA should come up a full run, but it’s only at 2.52, so that’s not that bad.

Matt Capps – 3 baserunners, but worked a scoreless ninth with 2 Ks.

Brad Lidge – Gave up another run.  I’d continue to hold Madson, something seems off with Lidge right now.

Jayson Werth – 4 steals, including one of home.  I didn’t see it, but I have to assume Belisario fell for the ol’ “Hey, look over there!”

Jimmy Rollins – Hit 5th yesterday.  I’m sorry, but is that supposed to break him out of his slump?  By hitting him in the heart of the order instead of the top?  I don’t think this lasts.

Brad Hawpe – 4-for-4 with 1 HR and 5 RBI.  Now at .359 with 5 HR and 25 RBI.  Hawpe has never taken that next step like Holliday and we’d bet the under on .300, 30 HR, and 100 RBI.  While he’ll give you quality numbers, now might be the best time you’ll have to trade him.  He’s an awful fielder and, with Colorado’s OF depth, he should be deemed expendable if they are out of the pennant race come July.

Felipe Paulino – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Looked more like Ronnie Paulino in this start.  While Ronnie’s doing a number two.

Ian Stewart – A solo homer and a grand slam from the 8th spot in the lineup.  He has been struggling mightily and Sonovabenched us in a couple leagues.  He now has 2B/3B eligibility in ESPN (had it already in Yahoo!) and is still 3 games away from OF eligibility.  Hopefully this outburst leads to a couple more OF starts…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Has now pitched three quality starts in a row.  The only terrible starts of the year (3 of them) were against the Dodgers (twice) and the Cubs.  So if we’re to believe this, he should be a “go pitcher” for his next start against the Pirates.

Daniel Murphy – Could see time at first with Delgado nursing a bad hip.  This doesn’t add a whole lot to his value, since Murphy was a borderline outfielder as it was.  You don’t really want him at 1st.

Joe Mauer – Fourth homer in his tenth game.  Sure does have a lot of *pinkie to mouth* Pauer.  Guess when you only play 80 games a year, you gotta get your stats in while you’re playing.

Delmon Young – .277 on the year with 1 homer and 2 steals.  Wow is this guy yawnstipating.

Conor Jackson – He’s now on the DL with a ‘general illness’ according to new GM AJ Finch.  I got an idea, send him to a “General Hospital.”

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and 2 steals in the last two games.  .343 in May with 2 homers.  Rudy snagged him before this mini-hot streak.  Might end tomorrow, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it holds up for another week or so.

Joey Votto – Left the game with dizziness.  I thought in Cincy it was called “Dustiness?”

Frank Francisco – Suffering from bicep tendinitis.  We picked up Wilson in a few leagues.  We’re frankly frankled about it but frankfully Francisco is supposed to be franking it up again in a couple of days.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 3 ER.  With 8 Ks, he looked solid outside of two innings (1st and 4th).  But if you can’t beat the Aint’s, who can you beat? The Nats, actually.  But not if you pitch for them.  Conundrum!

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 4 ER.  God forbid I get a Win in a league.  Seriously, what the eff?

Joe Beimel – Almost got the save yesterday for those still torturing themselves with Nats relievers.

Pablo Sandoval – Game winning HR yesterday.  After the game, Pablo said through a translator, “San Francisco is my village and no one will pilfer it, except for I.”  His translator was dressed like a waiter at Medievel Times.  Very weird scene.

If you drafted Manny this year, then you better make a new plan, Stan because Man-Ram is getting time off for bad behavior.  50 games to be exact.  The reason – he came up positive for human chorionic gonadotropin, or HCG, which can be used to boost testosterone levels.  Manny seems to be claiming his doctor prescribed it for erectile dysfunction but the drug is most often prescribed for…women’s fertility.  Huh?  And here we thought Alyssa Milano was the only person in the LA Dodger clubhouse taking those.  Maybe Manny got screwed by a bad boner doctor but our money is on Scott Boras.  He probably gave those pills to Manny, told him they were Flintstone vitamins, and Manny hallucinated Flintstone faces onto the vitamins.

So what are the fantasy implications besides crying if you own him and picking from the FA scraps?  Juan Pierre is going to get the lion’s share of playing time in the outfield.  With Hudson and Ethier hitting so well at the top and Torre always going back to Furcali as his leadoff hitter, the only question is whether he bats Pierre 8th or 9th (tonight it was the 9th).  This is a pretty good move if you’re a Pierre owner as he’d get bunted over by the pitcher if he hit 8th but will steal from the 9th slot (got one today).  As for whether this affects the production of O-Dog and Andre Ethier, time will tell.  You’d have to think that O-Dog’s runs and Ethier’s RBIs are going to down because of this.  Interestingly, Torre moved up Ethier to #3 and hit Loney #4.  Our guess would be that he goes back to his beloved lefty/righty/lefty/righty order and separates Ethier and Loney with either Martin or Kemp.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 1 Hit, 5 walks, 7 Ks.  His walks are up, his Ks are down, his homers are up.  None of this spells, “Yay.”  His BABIP is near his norms but his men left on base is higher than it’s been for the last couple of years.  His ERA is under 3 but it should be over 5.  Like Minnie Pearl, I’m going to give this to you plain and simple, he needs to cut down on his walks.  But it’s still early, Cain has time to correct his problems.

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks. 3.59 ERA on the year and five consecutive no decisions.  Why can’t I get a win?  Who have I wronged? Was it the old lady who yelled at me in the post office calling me Prince Charles?  Cause if it was her, I’m sorry.  She was up next.  I just told her you’re up, I wasn’t rushing her!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 6 ER, 4 Ks.  ‘nn settled down after being Kemp’d in the first.  Unfortunately, this takes some of the shine off of ‘nn so it’ll make it harder for you to flip him.

Joe Beimel – Vin Scully, “The Nats are without a closer so they’re trying out Beimel in the role.”  He said that as Beimel pitched the 8th in a four run game.  Of course he’s pitching the eighth!  It makes perfect sense.  I’m currently pulling my mustache hair out.

Joel Hanrahan – I think the old Nats closer becomes the new Nats closer, but remember the Nats have 3 saves on the season.

Kip Wells – One of the only closers who can come into an 11-7 game and ensure it’ll be a save opportunity.

Cla Meredith – Went to 4-0 with another vulture win yesterday.  He would be leading in Wins on all of my teams.  I hate Wins.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-5 with 4 Ks to lower his average to .255 as Chris B. Davis hit his 7th homer going 2-for-4 to raise his average to .211.  Anyone wanna bet who gets to .230 first?

Brad Ziegler – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Andrew Bailey threw a scoreless two-thirds of an inning.  Cha-cha-cha-changes…

Brandon McCarthy – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Rudy got sonavabenched on his Fantasy Razzball team.  Oh… Poor Rudy.  I’m still in 2nd.  Natch!

Jack Cust – HR, strikeout… Wait, no walk? How dare you!

Jeremy Sowers – Replacing Laffey in the Indians rotation.  Look away, baby, look away.

Casey Kotchman – First homer of the season yesterday as he bats .313 on the season.  Might be startin’ somethin’.  Then again, the Braves are facing a lefty tomorrow.  Okay, Saturday’ll be startin’ somethin’.

Kendry Morales – In my series of “yawnstipating 1st baseman who won’t get drafted but should” posts, I targeted Morales.  He just hit his 5th homer.  I am Prince Charles!

Hanley Ramirez – 2 HRs yesterday.  For the longest time the ‘lins were threatening to put some reins on Hanley’s running.  He’s sitting on 3 steals and 4 caught stealings.

Derrek Lee – Sat out 2nd straight game but said the injury was “no big deal.”  Oh.  Okay.  Then how about you play?

Bengie Molina – 2 HRs and 4 RBIs yesterday.  Brings his totals to 7 HRs and 27 RBIs.  The rest of the Giants have 9 HRs and 84 RBIs.  Step away from the buffet, Molina, and let Fred get some grub.

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-3 yesterday and has been terrible since he lit Razzball aflame with his 5 steal game.  Icarus Fowler?

Jered Weaver – A complete game win with 8 Ks and 3 baserunners.  A HR by Aaron Hill spoiled the shutout.  Won’t be surprised if he ends up with 15 Wins, a 3.50 ERA, and 175 Ks.  As long as big bro Jeff doesn’t drive up north to teach him how to flatten his slider.

Jose Molina – Headed to the DL, joining Posada.  Bring back Yogi!

Mariano Rivera – Kazaam!

Evan Longoria – 2 HRs with 10 on the year and 38 RBIs.  I wrote a whole post on why Longoria should be a 2nd rounder?  I think he ends up with more value than Wright this year and for the next 10 years.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER and is 5-0 on the year.  Maybe I should’ve drafted him in a league.  Back in my top 80 starters post, I wrote, “He’s not flashy with those Big City Ks. You probably won’t want to own him. But for the better part of two years, I’ve owned him off and on. He’s usually good for a few ‘worth-owning’ streaks a year.”  So far this year it’s obviously been one of those “worth-owning streaks.”

Armando Galarraga – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, this didn’t help convert me into a fan.

Ian Stewart – Hit a homer yesterday while playing 3rd.  Atkins is traded by the July deadline, you heard it here first.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 5th homer as he bats .328 on the season with 2 steals.  My preseason predictions were 55/23/65/.245/7.  From a catcher?  You kinda like that.

Brian Bannister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Still not buying in.

Jayson Nix – HR yesterday.  Why is the world conspiring against me?

Joakim Soria – Got the save, but gave up two hits, two walks and one run after giving up an unearned run his first time back.  I’d hold Juan Cruz for now if you have room.  And who doesn’t have room for Juan Cruz, he’s like a buck-twenty soaking wet.

Rick Ankiel – To the DL.  This boosts Rasmus’s value a bit (but he already had some value).

Rocco Baldelli – Nordberg returns from the DL.

Alex Rodriguez – Due back on Friday.  But don’t look here.  Look back at Manny.

Anibal Sanchez – Left game with shoulder discomfort.  Not good, home slice.  But neither are any of his stats.

Clete Thomas – I love managers that remove a top of the lineup hitter then just shove some other schmohawk in their place.  “Clete.  I like that name.  Like the things at the bottom of a baseball shoe.  You hit 3rd, Clete.”  If Spike Owen came out of retirement, he’d hit 4th.

I was alerted yesterday in our fantasy baseball forums that Ozzie Guillen will be sitting Alexei Ramirez for Jayson Nix.  And it may not be for just one game.  This makes perfect sense.  A guy who has never played a game at shortstop in the major leagues.  A guy who got the Rockies starting job at 2nd last year and hit .125 and 2 extra-base hits in 56 ABs.  A guy who couldn’t hold off Omar Quintanilla for the utility man role in Colorado.  A guy whose last name says it all.   So potatoes to chips, what does this mean for us?  It means we’re screwed in the screwhole!  What do you think it means?  No, actually, I think this is just a wakeup call.  Member how Victorino was benched for Werth last May?  Yeah, me too.  Alexei will get back his starting job and should be fine.  Also, shortstop is so weak on talent that it pays to wait this out for a bit.  (BTW, “potatoes to chips” is my new favorite phrase that means nothing.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Derrek Lee – His neck spasms are acting up again.  This could be an ongoing issue all year.  Just when you think he’s out of the dark, someone shuts off the lights.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday.  Left April batting .162, now is batting .194.

Oliver Perez – Disgraceful List.  He’s out with a strain to his ability to pitch effectively.  No timetable for his return.

Albert Pujols – 11th homer yesterday as he went 4-for-4.  The rest of the team had 3 hits.  Imagine what Pujols would do if they weren’t pitching around him.

Mitchell Boggs – Gave up 2 earned runs, but left the game after four and a third because of the inability to stop walking batters.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Kelly Johnson – DNP.  He’s in Cox’s doghouse pretty good this time.  Maybe dressing up as Gene Larkin for last Halloween wasn’t the best idea.

Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday, now has 30 RBIs.  Here’s what Rudy and I said after the first game of the season, “Hitting behind Ramirez for the rest of the season can only help.  It’s too early to predict a repeat of his 92/29/95 2008 season, but he’ll be a bigger bargain than most drafted cornermen.”  And that’s me quoting us!

Matt Capps – Says he could come back by Saturday.  Hold Grabow for now because I have my doubts.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 Ks.  With four of their top five hitters being Giles, Eckstein, Hairston and Gerut, they couldn’t beat the Washington Generals.

Kevin Slowey – 3 IP, 3 ER.  Unfortunately, the rain came and didn’t allow Slowey to fix a bad first inning.

Matt Tolbert – With Alexi Casilla sent down, Tolbert played 2nd base.   He should fit perfectly into the Twins plans for a weak offense.

Justin Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Okay, this might sound crazy, but has anyone seen him and BJ hit a homer in the same game?  Maybe him and BJ share a shoulder.

Cameron Maybin/Emilio Bonifacio – Their averages are moving closer and closer to each other and that really isn’t an endorsement for either.  On the bright side, Maybin has been seeing more time in the number two spot.

Felipe Lopez – Back from a sore ankle and stole two bases.  Sounds like someone was faking.

Manny Parra – 119 pitches through 6 innings, some walks and some Ks.  And this was a good matchup for him.  Pretty much exactly the kind of game Parra will throw.

Elvis Andrus – HR yesterday.  Of course, I just traded him away.

Aramis Ramirez – HR yesterday.  Guess he’s put his “cramps” behind him.

Randy Johnson – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, Zero Ks.  The humidor zapped the mullet’s strength!  Mullet… Must… Get… Fresh… Air…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Was a perfect matchup for the man with the greatest first name in the majors.  If you were to read between the words there, I’m basically saying I still don’t trust him for every start.

Matt Murton – HR yesterday for the Rockies.  He actually makes good sense in the Rox lineup when they’re facing lefties.  Could be a solid pickup in NL-Only daily leagues where you can work a platoon.

Aaron Hill – 7th homer yesterday.  Who was the pickup of the year so far?  If you have to ask, you don’t own Aaron Hill.

Joe Beimel – Back in action! In the 9th inning!  Of a blowout?

Clayton Kershaw – See what I said about Parra and put it on a better team in a pitcher’s park.

Russell Martin – 3-for-5, 7 for his last 14.  Might be coming out of his early season sassafras. (<–Fun word used incorrectly!)

Bronson Arroyo – 1 IP, 9 ER.  Afterward, he played a song on his guitar.  It went like this, “I suck, suckers… Suck, suck, suck, suckers…”  Pretty catchy actually.

Ryan Braun – Grand slam and 6 RBIs.  If I may venture a guess, Braun will hit well when he’s playing then take a few games a month to recoup (cortisone shot).  Remember, 75% of Braun is Brau.  As in Lowenbrau.  Which is delicious.

Chan Ho Park – Dueled Johan Santana through 6 innings, giving up only 1 hit.  In other news, pigs can fly.

Joe Crede – Sat out because of an upset tummy.  If I ran a major league team, any time a player wanted to sit out for a minor ailment, I’d have them report their condition to Cal Ripken.  Just call him up and tell him you’re sitting out because you had Thai food for lunch.  Might think twice about ordering the Larb.