Fantasy Baseball Advice

It has not been a good year for the Joneses. Jacques Jones is headed for retirement, Marion Jones went to jail and Ed “Too Tall” Jones banged his head on a doorway. And none of them will even acknowledge their brother from a white mother, Todd Jones, who was offcially replaced as closer on Sunday. I know what you’re saying, “But Todd Jones had just under a 3 K/9 ratio! Life’s unfair!” Yup, it sure is for everyone but Fernando Rodney, who Leyland announced would take over the Tiger’s closer job. (Leyland also announced he’s returning to filtered cigarettes now that Jones is gone.) Do I think it will last with Rodney? Sure, unless the Tigers trade for Fuentes or Street. Fuentes has closing experience, but Rodney can be just as dominant. Street has experience, and is just as injury prone as Rodney. So six of one, half dozen of another. Also, Zumaya is not without his issues as he had right triceps tightness and had to leave Sunday’s game. As for Todd Jones, drop him. He was useless when he had the job. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

John Grabow – Gave up 2 home runs yesterday. I still think he’s first in line for saves, but he could be traded too (or just not covert any saves or just not get any saves to convert). You might need to look at Tyler Yates and Denny Bautista, as well. Honestly, I grabbed Grabow and that’s as deep as I’m going for Pirates saves. These other schmohawks are not being picked up by me, except in the deepest of leagues where I really need saves.

Brian McCann – Out with a mild concussion from The Flying Hawaiian going all Tonga Kid on McCann and giving him a flying headbutt.

Shane Victorino – HR yesterday. Now has 8 HRs (Alexis Rios has 8 HRs, as well).

Billy Butler – Doesn’t he sound like a character from Clue? It was Billy Butler with the candlestick in the library. Anyway, since the All-Star break, Butler has 4 HRs, 14 RBIs and 2 moobs.

Jack Cust – HR yesterday. Will now hit three HRs this week, walk seven times and strikeout ten times. Hot week ahead!

Eric Chavez – He says he could be done as a third basemen. He could’ve said this in 2006.

Manny Ramirez – Says he’ll accept a trade out of Boston. They should trade him to the Nationals and then see how quickly he accepts. Honestly, I couldn’t believe the amount of people falling for Manny’s shizz back in March when everyone was saying Manny’s going to have a career year because of a contract. In December of 2007, I said Manny’s done trying. He’s been done. It’s fine. I just wish people would stop falling for the same nonsense.  Now I know it’s against a high-ranking baseball commandment to say anything against Gammons, but he was even reporting about Manny’s off-season conditioning. Listen, Manny’s off-season conditioning involves Xbox, Chuck E. Cheese and Mama’s Family DVDs.

Nomar Garciaparra – Left the game with knee irritation. After the game, Nomar said he might have injured his knee the previous night when he forgot the safety word with Mia.

Mike Jacobs/Derrek Lee – 22 HRs/60 RBIs and 17 HRs/63 RBIs, respectively. Granted, Lee (Buffalo) is not the negative on average like Jacobs, but Lee is only batting .296. Cust kayin’.

Scott Hairston – 17th HR yesterday. Later this week his bro, Jerry, returns. The brother battle between the Hairstons and the Uptons is almost as lopsided as The Von Erichs and The Bushwackers.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Besides having one of the best first names in baseball, he also put together a solid July. Last year, he had a solid July then got progressively worse as the year went on. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Johan Santana – 7th career complete game. CC Sabathia almost had 7 complete games in July.

Hank Blalock – 2-for-3 and he’s going back to Texas. If he can stay healthy (Yes, that’s a big if. BTW, how come people don’t say it’s a small if something is very probable? Like, “I guess we’ll get donuts if Dunkin’ Donuts, a store that never closes, is open. Yes, that’s a small if.”), Blalock could be in for a big week.

Jeff Samardzija – Got the save yesterday after Marmol threw 1 2/3 innings on Saturday. I suppose he could get more saves if Wood continues to have blister problems, but I think Marmol will out-save him 4 to 1 and if Wood’s out-saving Marmol… Well, you get my drift.

Clayton Kershaw – Got his first major league win. The only thing is, I would start just about anyone at Dodgers Stadium against the Nats.

Marcus Thames – Got one hit yesterday. Guess what it was? Okay, so you platoon Thames and Joyce just like Leyland is doing. They’ll probably hit 45 HRs combined. What, you don’t want 45 HRs?

Javier Vazquez – Was roughed up again on Sunday. It’s of little consolation to his owners (which I’m not, suckas!), but Vazquez’s K rate is fine and his BABIP is at .335, which means he’s been unlucky — sorta like his owners, which I’m not, suckas!

Kyle Lohse – Drop the H.

Brad Ziegler – Set major league rookie record with 27 scoreless innings to start a career. Interesting factoid, he hasn’t given up a home run since he switched to pitching sidearm, 128 1/3 innings ago. Uninteresting factoid, his Mom’s name is Beth.

A young Damaso Marte worked for his father, Ojos De Serpiente, a world renown gambler, in the Colón district of the Dominican Republic. As he polished his father’s trick die, Damaso would dream of one day closing for his favorite team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. He told reporters recently, “I’d sleep with John Candelaria’s baseball card under my pillow. I would pluck my mustache so it would look thin like his. Every night I would make three pupusas for family, then I’d make an extra one for John Candelaria. I love John Candelaria.” So when you’re thinking about how great it would be for Marte to be traded from the Pirates, don’t forget these are real people with real emotions. With that said, Marte should be on the first train out of Steel City.  Everyone’s talking about Fuentes leaving the Rox, but Marte should be traded. The Pirates have shit their house for almost fifteen years. As the great Lawrence Taylor once said, “My life is in the toilet and no one’s flushing.” The same can be said of the Pirates. They need to get something for their current closer. I think John Grabow takes over for Marte, instead of Tyler Yates, even if Grabow is a lefty. Marte’s also a lefty, so whatevs. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Dan Wheeler/Grant Balfour – You could be reading this today or you could be reading this in a month and this will still hold true, Percival just hurt himself. And again. And there goes the hip. (Actually, I could see the Rays getting Street. You heard it here first. Unless you’re reading this after you heard it.)

Leo Nunez – Baby Got Back! (Not as in possesses a large ass, but rather “Got Back” as in has returned.)

Santiago Casilla – Could be the closer by August. Aw, sookie, that’s soon.

Francisco Liriano – I know I told you about a month ago that Liriano would be called up any day now. Well, technically it still is any day now. In Liriano’s past five starts, he’s K’d 42 in 35 IP and has a .26 ERA. Liriano’s agent, Sammy Glick, is not happy and thinks the Twins are stalling to avoid paying Liriano. Judge Joe Brown, we’ve got a grievance!

Gio Gonzalez – You don’t need to rotate Scott Rolen in for a short schedule day that bad. Just hold Gonzalez for now and chillax.

Juan Pierre – If you need steals, he’s about to return. I’d write more but I’m currently singing, “I kissed a girl and I liked it…” I can’t get this stupid song out of my head. I hope it’s now stuck in your head, sucka! It felt so wrong… It felt so right… I feel like this is the new, “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. That is by no means an endorsement. Note to self: I gotta stop dating girls that chew Bubble Yum and have never heard of Sublime.

Fausto Carmona – Actually, I just picked him up in a ten team league. He shouldn’t be on waivers anywhere and if he is, you’re a fat-cist.

Chris Young – Back from a long DL-stint after taking a Pujols liner off his noggin. Word in the Gas Lamp is Young should start next week for the Padres. As with any Padres pitcher, at Petco they will look like Warren Spahn. On a side note, I wonder if Young wakes up sweaty in the middle of the night yelling Pujols and his girlfriend says, “I’m not in the mood.”

Casey Kotchman – Maybe it’s because his name sounds like Crotchman. Maybe it’s the way he was laid up with mono for a one and a half years. Maybe I just have a thing for Caseys. In deep leagues, I’m buying.

Chase Utley – Could people be down on Utes because he hasn’t done much in the last month and a half? Well, sell them Dustin Pedroia and Dook-sheer and get Utley. Recognize!

Adam Wainwright – A source says that Wainwright might return as the closer. The source? Some guy that goes by BigFatHippo. That’s about as credible as it gets. I wouldn’t have wrote about it, if it didn’t make so much sense. Wainwright’s been on the shelf for a while now. He should be able to get up to speed to be a closer a lot quicker than to start games. He has closed well before. The Cards need a closer. LaRussa’s certifiably crazy. It adds up to me. BigFatHippo + unsubstaniated rumor = Wainwright returns as the closer.

SELL

Huston Street – Beane may be a brilliant baseball mind, but I almost got a 1000 on my SATs. So, Beane, if you’re reading, trade Street. There’s no benefit to keep him around, as they say in the mafia. (Bee tee dubya, Street may end up the closer on his new team, as well. So don’t sell him super low.)

Erik Bedard – You, with the hair on your head, Bedard’s not coming back and if he does, what do you get? Four starts? Feh!

Roy Oswalt – He returns from the DL next week. If you got any juice in that coconut of yours, you’ll trade him quick-fast. This year, he wasn’t that good when he was healthy. It’s a lost year for R.O. Let it go. Don’t make me call a T.O.

Shaun Marcum – Was putting together a season to rival just about any starters’, then returned looking like Sandy Duncan’s left eye.

Yunel Escobar – He’s 6/2. That’s not his height. He has six home runs (yes, that’s the same as Alexis Rios) and 2 steals. Some players who have been as valuable this year, Ray Durham, Mark Ellis and Akinori Iwamura. Yu-smell.