Fantasy Baseball Advice

Monday night as I wrote the roundup, I was looking around my waiver wire for possible saves. I saw Taylor Buchholz and I began to think about how likely it would be for Fuentes to get traded. The Rockies are in a division that may only need a .500 record to win it. Why are they sellers? Holliday, Fuentes? I guess it could happen, but I don’t see it. Then I came across the crapfecta of Ayala, Hanrahan and Saul Rivera. Why couldn’t Rauch be traded? Because Chad Cordero was never traded those years the Nats floundered? Didn’t seem like enough of a reason. So I turned on my giant brain and decided Luis Ayala was going to be the next Nats closer. (Maybe you remember the last time I turned on my giant brain I killed Sydney Pollack.) Well, wouldn’t you know it, Rauch was traded and Ayala became the new closer– Zoinks! Okay, Ayala may not be the closer, but here’s my reasoning why he will be the guy. (Since I deduced this using my giant brain, you may not understand my logic. Feel free to skip ahead. Those with a heart condition or pregnant women should not try and follow along.) Ayala was the setup man and Hanrahan was pitching a few innings at a time. Crazy, right?! I know! Maybe Hanrahan does move into the closer role because he’s been better of late, but clubs don’t usually make decisions that make sense (Wolf goes to the Astros!). Neither guy (or Saul Rivera) should be invested in too heavily. Rauch nailed down only 2 saves this past month and 17 saves in almost 2/3 of the season. We could be looking at 3 guys splitting up 10 saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shaun Marcum – He returned from his elbow injury and gave up six earned runs in 4 2/3. The good news is, he didn’t give up seven earned runs. I’ve been saying I didn’t want him anymore when he first went on the DL.

Mark Buehrle – 7.1 IP, 1 ER. This schmohawk joins Aaron Cook as a guy that I picked up in May and that I can’t believe I still have him on a bunch of teams.

Brad Hawpe – HR. Hawpe is hawt. *cue Rosco P. Coltrane laughter*

Adam Lind – 4-for-5, HR. In deep leagues, there’s a lot worse fliers you can take than Lind.

Clayton Kershaw – Not a good game, but I’d let him start a game at home before casting him off.

Brad Ziegler – 23 2/3 straight scoreless innings streak. According to Elias Sports Bureau, “Ziegler is the first pitcher with a scoreless streak over 20 IP that has a name similar to Ian Ziering.” (Actually, the Elias Sports Bureau didn’t say that, but it sounds like it. Here’s some more things that sound like the Elias Sports Bureau might have said them. “Last Wednesday was the first time in three years that five Elias Sports Bureau employees wore the color beige,” “Seventeen Elias Sports Bureau employees sneezed today for a new all-time high,” and “There’s no one more full of shit than Stephen Baldwin.”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 1 ER, CG. If you had the Rox to start him.

Josh Willingham – I still like him, but he’s been on my bench for a week now. He needs to pretend he’s a 30/.280 guy or I’m chucking him. You’ve been warned.

Denard Span – Span’s leading off and batting .341 as CarGo hits from the nine hole. (I could see myself being a big fan of Carlos Gomez over this winter as we prepare for 2009, but right now he’s overmatched.)

Kerry Wood – May not go on the DL after all. In other news, water is… not wet?

Freddy Sanchez – If you’re suffering through Ty Wiggington or some other schmohawk at MI, Freddy Sanchez is starting to get hot. Steals? Nah. Home runs? Not many, but he could hit .330 for a month.

Joe Blanton – What, you thought he’d be good in the NL? Wait until you see how well he is when pitching in his new home.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Rick VandenHurk – 5 IP, no hits and he still was pulled, what does that tell you about his control? He gave up 5 walks against 7 Ks. VandenHurk and Volstad sounds like a law firm of vampires.

Eric Byrnes – Transferred from the 15-day DL to the I’m-Not-Coming-Back-This-Year-But-I’m-Going-To-Pretend-I-Will List.

Alexis Rios – Hit his 6th HR. Man, what a busted season. If you don’t have him, you may not understand what a bullet you dodged. He has comparable numbers to Victorino, and The Flying Hawaiian was on the DL earlier in the year and he lost playing time to Werth. Incredible.

Duaner Sanchez – 3 ER without recording an out as Duaner made a strong case to never get the ball in the ninth.  I think Heilman gets the ball tomorrow if the Mets have the lead. Or the Mets put some of that numbing spray shizz on Wagner’s shoulder and send him out there.

Chris Davis – HR. Okay, maybe he doesn’t need to be benched when the Rangers aren’t in Arlington.

Randy Wolf – With this trade, I see no way the Astros don’t overtake the Reds and finish in fourth. Unless the Reds trade for Barry Zito. Then the race will be on!

Erik Bedard – After tossing the ball on Sunday, he landed on the MRI table-thingie. Guess what, ya’ll? Not a good sign. Or maybe the Mariners just want an excuse to shut him down for the year and they rigged a VW Bug to look like an MRI machine and they hired some extras to play the part of doctors. In a grand Shakespearan accent, “I did Uncle Vanya in the Park and I was the dog walker in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.’”

Manny Ramirez and his brother from another, Aramis, are taking the summer off as planned. If we get in our “Way Back Machine,” we see back in December of ‘07 that I said to look away from Manny. This was before the reports that he was in the best shape of his life and the Sons of Sam Horn turned the media heat up on the hype. What did I say to that? Bologna.  If I may paraphrase myself, I basically said Manny’s Manny and he’s not changing his stripes for an extra two million on a contract. In addition to that, Manny could have a big World Series game and get the extra two million from HankenStein and go play in the Bronx. He knows that. So Manny may get that Xbox Live Clause in his new contract and not even do anything until October. I’m sure Big Papi and him have discussed this at length. Papi, “Manny, you know we can phone in the season and produce in the postseason and be hailed as the best ever clutch performers.” Manny, “Papi, sometimes I get the urge to spork Youk in the neck. Is that weird?” As for Aramis Ramirez, well, he’s in a similar boat, but not an altogether similar point in his career. Aramis could coast until the postseason and the Cubs should make it in a walk. Frankly, I feel like they should move the Cubs to the NL East and close up the Central for the summer, but that’s another story. So will Aramis coast? I’m not convinced. Aramis has proven he loves to hit when the chips have already been eaten (or fill-in some other mixed metaphor). Late last year, Aramis Ramirez knocked the cover off the ball and I could see it happening again. So my advice is Sell on Manny and Buy on Aramis — Ramirez that is. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Masa Kobayashi – Joe Borowski is out. As I said yesterday in the forums, Kobayashi, Betancourt then Perez, in that order. Cleveland, as a team, has 14 saves on the year. That doesn’t mean they will only have fourteen on the other side of 81 games, but it could. Caveat Kobayashi, Betancourt and Perez.

J.R. Towles – Mentioned him yesterday. If you need a catcher, he’s on waivers in your mixed league. It’s a flier, people. Don’t drop Matt Holliday for him.

Scott Linebrink – Bobby Jenks is reporting soreness in his back. Could lead to nothing, could lead to a DL-stint — ready, set, vulture! You grab Linebrink because you can’t get enough saves, you greedy person you.

Chris Davis – I just wanna keep talking and talking and talking about Chris Davis, don’t you? Oh, mercy, mercy me. Does he have 50 home runs yet? I originally compared him to Dunn. Ain’t that apt? (BTW, “Ain’t that apt?” is the non-sequitur saying I’m putting on my first t-shirt line. If one of ya’ll steals it, so help me…)

Rickie Weeks – I believe in slow walks on the beach, especially in Wildwood, Point Pleasant or Belmar. I believe Hawaii offers Spam, shaved ice and not much else. I believe anything seasoned properly would be delicious, including dogshit. I believe in reading movie reviews after I’ve seen the movie. I believe Jamie Kennedy is a terrible person, but worse of all, unfunny. I believe the only day I wasn’t nostalgic for yesterday was the day I was born and, finally, I believe in Rickie Weeks.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Salty is catching more or less on most days and he hasn’t hit at all to his potential, but if you’re carrying Navarro still, you should be looking at him, because Saltimbocca can be tasty when he’s at the plate (<—-forced!).

SELL

Rich Harden – Not sure who you’re selling this guy to and he’s too good to drop, but the latest news from Harden’s camp (if he were, ya know, to have a camp) is that Harden’s going through a dead arm period and that’s why his fastball has been, um, less fast. (Isn’t it weird how his dead arm period is better than his injured arm period? You would think the opposite would be true. Or at least I would think it, because I just did.)

Eric Byrnes – Wasn’t that long ago that I told you to Buy. Well, the injury returned and now he might be gone for the season. Hopefully he can make it to Fox’s postseason broadcast team. *fingers sarcastically crossed*

Mark Buehrle – I’ve mentioned how I added him a month or so ago. He’s currently on the top of my “Most Likely to Get Dropped After He Gets Inevitably Beaten Badly” list.

Jeff Keppinger – I could’ve put Jerry Hairston Jr. there, but Keppinger’s name is more incendiary (Word of the Day). These guys seem like they’re falling into a time share. This hurts both of their value.

Clint Barmes – Deer meat sees your hot start and raises you a 4-for-21 slump and Omar Quintanilla.

Pedro Martinez – It’s with regret his name appears here. I loved Pedro. He was a triple threat — flat-out incredible pitcher, an entertaining interview subject and he carried a dwarf around with him. This… This Mets pitcher isn’t him.

Nate McLouth – Eric Karabell told you he would be the fantasy MVP. Seriously. I think ESPN even charges for this shizz. (I get it for free.) Right now, I picture Hater Bell rocking a Malcolm X hat and listening to Mobb Deep as he prepares to put Karabell on blast. Karabell, take these words and think ‘em through or the next rhyme I write might be about you…

John Lackey showed Jered Weaver and Jake Peavy how it’s done. When your team gives you one run, you make shutout lemonade. After the game, one Angels fan said, “Lackey is twice the pitcher of Jim Abbott.” That’s 9 starts for Lackey this year and they’ve all been fantastic. 7+ IP every game. 2 runs or less in all except one (where he had 3). 6 Wins, sub-1.00 WHIP. Lackey hasn’t made a bad pitch since he tried to convince Arte Moreno to invest in his remake of Cop and a Half with John Lackey and Chone Figgins. I don’t know what they did to rehab his elbow but they should give a little bit to Kelvim Escobar. Now if he could only run for Vlad. As for Kevin Slowey, he pitched a complete game shutout. I touted Slowey all the way back in the beginning of May, while remaining realistic about his propensity for giving up home runs. I felt yesterday’s Brewers matchup wasn’t favorable for him, but I also told you Frenchy was a Buy in that May 3rd post, so I’ve had a few bumps along the way. However, if I may beat my own horn, in that May 3rd post I was probably 75% right. Seriously, doubt me. It makes me want to be better. Like Jerry Mcguire. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Davis – Homered yesterday. In one of my leagues, he doesn’t clear waivers until July 3rd. Seriously, Yahoo, you suck. How has Yahoo become the de facto fantasy baseball service of choice? I’m leaning to returning to ESPN next year. (Of course my favorite will be CBS, but they charge. Then again, isn’t everyone paying money for real time stats on Yahoo? How is this okay? Chris Davis played in two games before he was even added. It wasn’t even like he was added the day after his at-bat. Yahoo is known for being the number one search engine ten years ago. They’re attempting to do some nonsense with new email addresses. I guess this is for the six people who don’t already have a work email, a personal email and a spam email. Yeah, I want a fourth email. A “I’m never going to use this email” email. You can now reach me at YahooFantasyBaseballSucks@Rocketmail.com.)

Mark Buehrle – I started him again last night and got another quality start. I’m worried that I’m pressing my luck. No whammy! No whammy! Ooh… 5 IP and 7 ER.

Eric Gagne – Untuck his shirt Sunday night as he was activated from the DL. Knowing Torres should remain the closer and trying to save (<—pun!) face, Gagne said he’d welcome any job the Brewers had for him. I have an idea. During the 7th inning sausage race, how about a new addition — the crapwurst?

Andy Pettitte – That’s 4 straight wins with a 1.00 ERA over 27 IP. Granted, that includes a start against OAK and SDG but he’s paid off Rudy bigtime as a 6th starter in two leagues.

Jim Thome – I said on Friday that I would be buying once interleague was over. He hit a home run yesterday. I’ve picked him up in a ten team league. Adam Dunn was happy to see me pickup Thome. No longer would he get mocked for wearing overalls and chewing straw.

Dustin Pedroia – Here he comes to save the day! Mighty Mouse has been on fire all month and is now over .300 with 8 HR and 9 SB for the year.

Edwin Encarnacion – Homered yesterday. Do you think he dreams of being Adrian Beltre when he grows up? All you need is one monster season, double-E!

Michael Cuddyer – From the files of 2007 fantasy baseball, I felt like I should mention this schmohawk, but he’s done nothing this year at all. Now he’s headed to the DL.

Oliver Perez – Shut down the Yanks. He’s the equivalent of a crazy hot chick.

A.J. Burnett – If Oliver Perez is like a crazy hot chick, AJ Burnett is like a crazier Oliver Perez.

Brandon Lyon – After blowing another Haren save, it’s quite apparent. He’s made a Brandon pact with Mr. Webb. Todd Jones has made a similar pact with an imaginary pitcher on the Tigers he’s named Todd.