Fantasy Baseball Advice

How about them White Sox?!  Yeah, they chucked in the pale towel sometime between Ozzie Guillen’s Monday outburst and Ozzie Guillen’s Tuesday outburst of this week.  One of the pieces them grabbed that was hailed by many as being a stroke of genius was Jake Peavy.  Yeah, the Padres actually made a good trade there as Peavy struggles with an elbow injury.  Another piece, Alex Rios.  I think even Jessica Shaw would concur Rios is so fifteen minutes ago. He’s batting a cool .156 for the Sox with one homer and one steal.  Those stats are also known as Less Than What Drew Stubbs Did Any Day This Week.  You drafted Rios pretty high, I’m sure.  It didn’t work out.  Holding him is compounding your mistake. Anyway, here’s so other players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brad Penny – For Christmas, I want a Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!  But I’ll settle for pitching in the NL.

Barry Zito – No, anyone but Zito! Has a 1.92 ERA since the ASB.  But please keep in mind his last blow out was a 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER game vs. the Padres.  So at any time, at any place he could say to you he just ran over your dog, Arfer Woofruff.

Brian Duensing/Jeff Manship – Why doesn’t Manship give his name a LaRoche-type flair?  A’la ManShip.  Much better, right?  Then DuenSing… Well, that kinda looks like an Asian prison name.  These guys may burn you like chlamydia, but if you need to take match-up chances with AL pitchers, I’d take them here.

Buster Posey – This is more about keepers.  Not girls that can tell you Carney Lansford’s career batting average.  Fantasy baseball keepers.

Wade Davis – Same as above.  Go ahead, shift your eyes up.  Too lazy?  Okay.  I’d only go after Davis in keepers.  Or, of course, AL-Only leagues.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER.  (<–Probable pitching line)  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Franklin Morales – Huston Street’s MIA for a few days, giving way to Morales.

Phil Hughes – If Mariano has to miss time to prep for the playoffs, Hughes would probably get the majority of the saves.

Juan Gutierrez – SAGNOF!  I’d even grab Zavada and Vasquez in leagues where I’m really hurting for saves.

Brett Myers – I see Myers getting up to 3 saves in September, so think about how bad you need those 3 saves.

Brandon Allen – Strictly for power and in deep leagues.  He hit two homers in the last week and a third was robbed by Andre Ethier’s Mom’s son.

Casey McGehee – 3 HRs and 9 RBIs in the last four games.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t steal any bases, but if you need MI pop, there ya go.

Felix Pie – I’ve mentioned him so much in the last few days, I got Pee-ay coming out my ears.  If you haven’t heard me mention him, where ya been?  Vacay?  That’s nice.  Hope you SPF’d the proper areas.  Skin damage is only cool when you’re under 25.

Andy Marte – Loving me some Marte in some leagues.  Why, Grey?  Do tell, you *pinkie to mouth* Smarte. Sure, random italicized voice.  3 homers in the last 7 games for Marte.  Added bonus:  No relation to Damaso.

Yunel Escobar – Batting near .400 in the last week with two homers.  He goes hot to cold quickly, so grab him no or forever hold your peace.  Or piece, if you’re gangsta.

Michael Brantley – My ‘pert radar is telling me Sizemore’s not long for this season.  Brantley’s got speed.  SAGNOF!

Drew Stubbs – He should only be steals, but he’s been showing power.  The power will stop, the Ks and steals will begin.  Any day now, Annie Potts.

Rajai Davis – He’s only listed here because he’s owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues.  Why is he owned in less than 30% of ESPN leagues?!  Seriously.  He had 15 steals in August and he’s batting near .400 in the last week.

Matt Diaz – It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Lately, slaughtering both sides.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Kinda like I’ve been doing with David Murphy and The Big FraGu in one league.)  Really Diaz should be in your lineup vs. everyone until further notice.

SELL

Homer Bailey – Love to be the bearer of good news, but I don’t have any good news for you.  I have bad news.  Bad, unfortunate, sad news.  Bailey has three solid starts in a row, but two were against the Pirates.  If you have to take chances, I kinda understand it.  But Bailey gets the Rockies then the Cubs.  Don’t mind if I don’t.

Brian Matusz/Chris Tillman – Headed for Camp Shutdown.

Kyle Davies – Has back-to-back wins that have netted him a 2.25 ERA and 11 Ks in 12 innings.  Sounds nice, right?  One was vs. the A’s and one was against the M’s.

Adam Jones – Jones is done-zo.

Josh Willingham – Lately, he looks likes the one-tool outfielder he’s always been.

The G-Sizzle Fizzle loses more carbonation as we head into September.  Grady Sizemore will undergo surgery prior to the end of the season.  This means you will lose him at some point this month.  The longer the Indians push him the more of a chance that he may not be ready for spring training.  The Indians are playing for $23 worth of trinkets right now so this is a no-brainer for them.  And a no-brainer is the Indians’ management specialty.  They called up Michael Brantley to eventually fill-in full-time for Sizemore.  Last night, Brantley played left field (went 2-for-4, batted 9th).  In 115 games in Triple-A, Brantley had 43 steals.  He’ll probably be a liability on average, but for those steal-starved teams out there — SAGNOF!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Left with a tight hamstring.  Had one of those last Thanksgiving on the Hormel.  Had to chew around it.

Michael Young – His hamstring is a little more serious with a strain.  If I had to guess, I’d say he’s headed to the DL.  Though, knowing the way Young loves his 200 hit seasons, he may just play gimpy.  Hehe, I said gimpy.

Neftali Feliz – Has one earned run, 26 Ks and ONE WALK (caps for emphasis and the guy reading over your shoulder) in 19 and two-thirds innings.  Holy heffin hey!

Josh Hamilton – 2 HRs yesterday to bring his season total to ten.  Almost as big a bust as the one he was seen licking whipped cream off of.

Chris Davis – 5-for-8 in yesterday’s doubleheader with a homer.  And no strikeouts!

Tim Hudson – Last time he pitched in the majors, I titled the post, “Whoscow for the Hudson,” and he went off to see, Dr. Freeze.  (Oddly, in the post where Hudson was injured, so was Michael Young.  They’re cosmically linked, I tell ya.  Kismet, I say.  When Michael Young slides, Tim Hudson’s pants get dirty.)  Hudson’s line this game (5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks) is almost exactly what I would imagine you’ll get from him the rest of the season.  Iffy five inning games.  Worth it in some leagues, not in others.

Jorge Posada – 2 HRs yesterday.  Why doesn’t he have a “de la” in the middle of his name?

Carlos Guillen – It pains me to keep saying nice things about Guillen, yet here he is again with another homer.

Andy Marte – Now has 4 homers in the last seven games.  I dropped some schmohawk for him in one of my leagues.  This is a trust exercise.  Just fall into Marte’s arms.  He’ll catch you.

Carlos Carrasco – 3 IP, 6 ER.  Was in my September call ups Markie Post-thingie.  I said I liked him for next season.  Never said I liked him for this one.  Okay, I did like him for this one, but that was last December.

Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Hey, Cole, nice of you to join us for September.

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  His walks aren’t a thing of beauty, but you know what is?  His collection of air sickness bags? No, I’m going to tell you, random italicized voice.  His Ks.  He has 145 Ks in 132 1/3 innings.  That makes him ownable everywhere.  Well, except in 4 x 4 leagues, but no one plays them anymore, do they?

David Wright - Went 1-for-3 in his return as he wore an American Gladiator helmet.

Andy Sonnanstine – 4 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks.  Glad to see he didn’t lose his lack of stuff in the minors.

Garrett Jones – Another homer.  Argh, I’m actually excited for Pirates.  Okay, pop quiz, hot shot.  Who’s been more valuable this year, Garrett Jones or Ryan Ludwick?  You infer the answer.

Mike Carp – Called up for the M’s and should see a decent amount of time.  He has moderate pop, not a great average.  Outside of deep leagues (>12), I’d just wait to see.  (BTW, that’s a greater than symbol and a twelve.  Not some kind of weird teenager texting language meaning a heart next to a coat hanger or something.)

Randy Wells – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER.  Has a 2.90 ERA on the year with 133 1/3 innings.  Is his name in the Rookie of the Year convos?  Hmm, I just did, didn’t I?  For what it’s worth, and I guess it is worth something since you’re reading this, I think Wells is going to slightly disappoint next year.

Jeff Manship – 5 IP, 1 ER vs. the Called It A Day White Sox.  Besides having a last name that sounds like a cruise hosted by Adam Carolla, Manship has good control and decent K-stuff.  Listen, if the Twins start him, he’s probably better than most.  He’ll have the same growing pains as most rookie pitchers, but could have matchup potential.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Another solid start from The dlR.  I hope the Rockies miss the playoffs just so dlR’s innings stay low(er) and I can draft him without worries next year.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, HR and steal yesterday.  You know what I really like here?  Besides the homer, he was only on base once (a walk) and he stole a base.  That’s the kind of initiative we need in September.

Clayton Richard – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  If he didn’t pitch well in Petco vs. the Nats, there would have been problems.

Vicente Padilla – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  It’s nice in the NL West, ain’t it?

Felix Pie – HR yesterday for his 4th homer in the last eight games.  No idea where the power is coming from.  Maybe Aubrey Huff left behind some corked bats.  Whatever the case, when the player’s hot, grab them.  By the time I write about him in the Buy section of Friday’s post, Pie may no longer be hot.

Adam Jones – Left the game with an ankle injury.  Is it me or is this guy injured every other week?  Maybe he’s doing it to get a prescription of medicinal marijuana.

Nyjer Morgan was back in the lineup to steal two bases in the first inning, then he left with a broken hand.  Bunt, go feet first and get back in there!  One of my ‘pert teams was pulling too far away in power, so last week I made a trade for steals and saves.  Two categories I usually just play the waiver wire for, but in a 16 team league, it’s slim pickins.  I traded Prince Fielder for Heath Bell and Nyjer Morgan.  Stab me in my eye!  Shove hot coals in my pants!  Hot poker my heart!  I still won’t miss Prince, but Nyjer’s broken hand… Well, I’d like to write on Nyjer’s cast, “Amputate,” as you should be doing with him on your teams.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Hudson – He’ll be returning on Monday to face the Marlins.  The good news, he gets a decent 2 start week next week.  The bad news, he wasn’t exactly lights out in rehab.  The moderate news, he’s worth a flier in 12 team leagues where you need an extra starter.  Just don’t expect him to be anything more than 5 IP, 3 ER.

Ian Kinsler – 2 HRs.  Post-All-Star Break, he’s batting .222 with 8 homers and 6 steals.  It’s going to be hard to justify a 2nd round pick next year for Kinsler with his propensity for bescumbering your fantasy baseball team in the second half of the season.

Chris Davis - HR yesterday.  IDK. W00t? Or BFD U POS?  The preceding was brought to you by your 14-year-old nephew’s texting.

A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 Ks.  12 Ks courtesy of the league’s worst (best?) team for Ks, the Rangers.  After struggling for a few years with injuries, Burnett’s putting together another 30 start season (barring my jinxing right here).  Looking like a solid bet for 175 Ks and a 4.00 ERA next year.  That’s nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta thing.

Anibal Sanchez – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners vs. the Mets.  I tried to push people away from Anibal because of his wont to tie his owners to the WHIPping post.

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 2 HRs yesterday.  I can already see people drafting him next year in mixed leagues and then mid-April being bored with him.  It’s the trouble with 12/12 outfielders.  They look okay on draft day, but when they average 2 homers and 2 steals a month they get real yawnstipating.

Dave Bush – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Bush has a machine head.  But it’s not better than the rest.

Randy Wells – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners.  To make matters worse, the Cubs should start watching his innings.

Carlos Gonzalez – Was in the lineup, but it was too soon back in the yard and he hurt his knife wound.

Adam LaRoche – HR yesterday.  8 homers and batting .385 in August.  Must be after the All-Star Break.

Andy Marte – HR yesterday.  Deep league alert!  Has an eight game hitting streak with two homers and batting over .400.

Andrew McCutchen – HR yesterday.  Now has 9 homers and 15 steals.  Unbelievably, I’m starting to get excited about a Pirate for next year.  Not just any Pirate, but The Dread Pirate.

Garrett Jones – Robot Jones has not only continued to be productive (though admittedly less so than when he was first called up).  He hit his 15th homer yesterday and also has 8 steals.  For under 200 at-bats, that’s tremendous.  I have my doubts about him doing it over a full season.

Junichi Tazawa – 4 IP, 9 ER.  This is the reason I tried to steer people away from Tazawa.  I mean, he has a near 7 ERA on the year and 8 walks to 12 Ks.  Honestly, if it was for the Sons of Sam Horn hype machine, we wouldn’t even be talking about him.  Next year, we’ll reevaluate.

Alex Gonzalez – Has now hit homers in back-to-back games.  He’s a terrible hitter.  Make no mistake.  But hitters hit them in bunches, so he might have some short term value for MI pop.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with an ankle sprain.  He’s day-to-a-few-days.

Brandon Allen – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  He’ll be discussed more in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can’t wait.  No, you can’t!

Matt Holliday – HR yesterday.  If he stays in the NL, it’ll be interesting to see if everyone drafts him next year like the first half of the year was a blip on the radar because of his Oakcation.  The only problem with that, he still only hit 25 homers his last full year in Coors.  Then again, maybe the Mets will get him, then no one will think his power will boon.

Albert Pujols – It’s almost like he owns himself in fantasy baseball.  He goes 0-for-2, but steals a base just to add some value.  This actually wouldn’t be a bad idea.  Part of everyone’s salary goes into a fantasy baseball pool.  The only caveat is they must draft themselves.  Hmm… But maybe that’s gambling.  Nevertheless, I love Pujols.  Well, that sounded wrong.

Lastings Milledge is about to get called up by the Pirates (We’re not your Pops’ Pirates!) and he should get playing time.  Shoot, I could prolly get playing time with the Pirates.  Is this still the head case that the Mets and Nats gave up on?  Sure.  Luckily, the rap scene in Pittsburgh is about as happening as Poughkeepsie’s and there’s no chance Milledge will high-five a fan after a homer, because, well, the Pirates have no fans.  Lastings Milledge can give you a two month stretch that looks remarkably similar to what Beltran has done over the last two months, or he can give you a two month streak where he looks like what Beltran should’ve done for the last two months.  Will Milledge suddenly be 10 team worthy?  Check yo projections at the door.  I don’t know.  His 2nd half last year was hella strong.  (Yo and hella were requests of the 18-29 test audience).  So Milledge can give you a ten team worthy outfielder and that’s worth a flier in every league.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ty Wigginton – Hit a homer on Thursday.  Know how many homers he hit last August?  12.  Why does he get hot in August?  I don’t know.  Maybe his moon sign coalesces well with August’s sun sign.  Whatever the case.  Pick him up in deep leagues and monitor him closely in 12 team or shallower.

Kyle Blanks – The Pillsbury Fro Boy has been hot.  That’s your positive tip, now dance on the floor and have room for The Chubbster.

Billy Butler – The Moobster has also been hot.  I have my doubts about him for this year (I’m getting excited about drafting him next year).  But if you’re struggling at corner, you have my express written consent to pick up Butler.

Chris Tillman – As defined by the Razzball Glossary, a roofie is a rookie pitcher who fails to deliver on their tremendous K potential and, instead, abuses your trust and violates your ERA and WHIP.  If you need to take on risk, Tillman’s worth a shot, but you may end up crying in the corner of your bathroom.

Derek Holland – Shoot me now for what these roofies will do to you.

Clayton Richard – Latest HodgePadre.  Suddenly, he has value for mixed leagues.

Aaron Poreda – This trade makes him an immediate grab in NL-Only keeper leagues.

Adam LaRoche – I told you he’d get a boost from his trade!  It just wasn’t his first trade.  My visions of the future are sometimes murky.

Andy Marte – Father, I must confess, I’ve picked up Andy Marte in a mixed league.  You know how much I love prospects who are past prospect staus.  His Triple-A stats were apple-sweet this year.  When I own him, I can’t stop thinking about crates of Dippin’ Dots slowly parachuting into Africa, so it can’t be all bad, right?

Eugenio Velez – Hot and he has speed.  (Sounds like a young Ron LeFlore.)

Jim Johnson – Doesn’t he sound like a cult leader?  Jim Johnson states that in order to get vulture saves you must drink his Kool-Aid.  This will also help you shed your Earth skin.

Danys Baez – If you’re really hard up for saves and Johnson’s gone, grab Baez.  Though you may be left holding your Earth skin.

Matt Thornton – Potential vulture saves if Ozzie ever convinces Jenks to go to the Disgraceful List.

Kaz Matsui – He might be as exciting to you as the Jockular Sphincteritis he once suffered from, but he’s 4 for his last 7 with his homer yesterday.  He hit over .300 in 2008′s 2nd half with 5 homers and 5 steals.  Decent enough in NL-Only leagues or very deep mixed leagues.

Howie Kendrick – Not only is he hot, but if you pick him up, you can mock everyone who drafted him back in March.

Ben Francisco – Don’t cha just wanna call him Benji Cisco?  No?  Okay, maybe it’s me.  He has no value if he’s on the bench, but while The Flying Hawaiian’s grounded, he’s worth a look.

Michael Saunders – Had a .310/.378/.544 line in Triple-A along with 13 homers in 248 ABs.  Eh, he’s a decent flier in AL-Only leagues, but I just can’t get excited about Mariners prospects.  If he was any good, why didn’t they trade him to the Orioles?

SELL

George Sherrill – Unless you count Holds or you’re a MR. B., Sherrill’s not worth your roster spot.

Ian Kinsler – Yup, it’s almost that time of the year.  Kinsler’s missed the last two games and he’s never played in more than 130 games.  Washington has already said he will bench him more in the 2nd half to try to keep Kinsler out of the dumps, so far it hasn’t worked.  Kinsler hit .157 in July with 4 homers and 6 steals.  Now don’t trade Kinsler for a lanyard anklet, but you might want to explore some trades.

Jake Peavy – The White Sox didn’t acquire Peavy to rush him back and risk further injury.  He’s there for the playoff push.  This trade doesn’t suddenly make him healthy. Not to mention, he leaves the (really) friendly confines of Petco for a hitters’ park.  It’s not great for his value.

Victor Martinez – Nothing like a trade to the Sawx to cause a player’s perceived value go through the roof. Will this trade boost his value?  Of course.  Will his perceived value suddenly be higher than his actual value?  Yup.  Again, don’t trade him for the innate ability to spell Gewurztraminer, but I’d keep my avenues open.

Casey Kotchman – Nothing like a trade to the Sawx to… Oh, wait.  He’s now stuffed in the middle of the revolving cornerman door.  Considering Kotchman will only be facing favorable matchups now, it doesn’t kill his value, but you would need a backup for the days he sits.

Francisco Liriano – Member back in 2006 when you guys had the time of your life?  Frolicking around the park like the two schoolkids you were.  You’d start a sentence, he finished it.  You’d invite him to sleep over and beg your Mom to make his favorite kind of pupusas.  Well, now he won’t leave and he just wet your bed.  Stop lying in Liriano’s urine and drop him.