I have to warn you. When I wrote this post, I was listening to Geto Boys’ Mind Is Playing Tricks On Me on repeat. Granted, because the song is long, it probably only played three times. Since I was about to spit fire, it felt appropriate that I sat alone in my four-cornered room staring at candles. Okay, enough preambling. How is Ryan Howard ranked 30th?! I feel like De Niro watching Spider talk back to Pesci. What’s the world coming to?! Has anyone seen the size of Howard’s mollywhoppers or his stadium that has dwarfism like Bushwick Bill? They also have Youuuuuuk ten spots ahead at 20th overall. When I went over the ESPN mock draft earlier this month, I covered a lot of this. I don’t want rehash old potatoes. Let me just quote something real quick, “Howard’s a career .279 hitter who has averaged 45.8 homers in the last five years. Has averaged 136 RBIs and 99 runs in those five years. Youuuuuk has never knocked in 136 RBIs. The amount Howard has averaged. Youuuuuuk has only topped 99 runs once in his career. That is Howard’s average. Youuuuuk’s career high in homers is 29. Oh, just a tad short of Howard. Youuuuuuk’s career average is .294. So that Youuuuuuk pick way ahead of Howard makes total sense. /sarcasm Oh, and Youuuuuuk had a torn muscle in his hand last year. Yeah, hitters don’t need those hand things.” And that’s me quoting me! Prince Fielder’s another one that’s ranked too low (26th) and after Youuuuuuk. This isn’t meant to bash Youuuuuuuk. I understand he will have 3rd base eligibility. I think Youuuuuuk will be healthy. He’s fine. He’s also 31 years old. Why is he suddenly going to post career best numbers? It’s messed up when your mind is playin’ tricks on you…
Tim Lincecum is ranked 17th overall. Do they even look at his falling K-rate? Or his loss of velocity? Or how much he threw his slider? Or that 19 start stretch last year when he had a 4.80 ERA and 1.56 WHIP? Well, actually they talk about all of that. They then say, “The positives continue to outweigh the negatives, so bank on another elite season coming.” What positives? Not to bring out Mr. Al Caps so early in the preseason but WHAT POSITIVES? His last month? I want a little more if I’m drafting someone 17th overall. Maybe they play in a league where his resemblance to k.d. lang counts for something. I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping around corners… My mind is playin’ tricks on me.
What I saw next will make your ass start giggling. Carl Crawford is ranked 3rd overall! Some might say “Take a chill, B.” But let’s go with what we know. There were 4 outfielders last year that had 30 homers. There were 13 outfielders with 30 steals. What does this tell us besides steroids can be tested for but Red Bull can’t? It tells us there’s a shizzload of steals in the outfield. Sure, Crawford hit 19 homers last year. But that was a career high. You shouldn’t expect that again. Crawford gives you most of his value with his legs. If he has a sore hamstring, it’s not like he can limp to the plate and continue to give you value like he’s Roy Hobbs. He’ll have to rest his legs. Then you’ll be like, “Now I’m feeling lonely…My mind is playing tricks on me…”
Another one that has me investigating the joint for traps and checking my telephone for taps is Martin Prado at 80 overall. On Berry’s personal rankings, he has Prado at 57. I have him ranked at 272 in my top 300 for 2011 fantasy baseball and I’d be kinda hesitant even if he fell to me there. But for s’s and g’s, let’s take me out of the equation. Bill James’ Prado projections are 87/12/65/.305/4. ZiPS gives Prado 79/12/60/.294/4. If you wanna bring me into the equation, I give Prado 85/12/60/.300/5. ZiPS gives someone else, who I’ll leave unnamed for right now, 20 homers and 19 steals. James gives this unnamed person 21 homers and 19 steals. I give this person 15 homers and 17 steals. Sure, the average will be lower. Potentially, the runs and RBIs but those are products of opportunities. This other person is Danny Espinosa and every other Tom, Dick and Berry at ESPN has him ranked 286th overall. I wonder if they let A.J. Mass, aka The Masshole, do these rankings? Would explain some. Or maybe they bought a homeless person lunch at Benihana and picked his brain while he was distracted by flying shrimp tails. God damn, homie… My mind is playin’ tricks on me.