Josh Hamilton was acquired by the Rangers as originally reported by Dan Pants on Saturday. Gammons, Dan Pants, Heyman, that’s the top three most quoted baseball reporters. Dan Pants is a bit more optimistic than me for Hamilton’s return to the Land of Spurs, Twinkie-frying and hats with gigantism. I wouldn’t own Hamilton unless I had a free DL spot and don’t expect much from him. I’ve chimed this triangle before, but have you recently seen Brett Butler? She looks like she’s 89 years old. She’s 57. Have you seen Lohan recently? She looks like she’s 50; she’s 28. Haley Joel Osment just looks awful, I don’t know if he was an addict. Addicts age poorly. Hamilton, 33, has the body of a 60-year-old. Breaking down left and right just getting out of bed. He says he’ll be back in a few weeks, but he’ll go down to another injury, and then when the doctor goes to prescribe something, Hamilton won’t be able to take it due to his addictions and he’ll be back on the DL. It’s a feel-good story (if the only other stories you’ve ever heard involve Amanda Bynes), but I wouldn’t bother. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (1 BB), 5 Ks vs. the Rangers. Three things went through my mind during his start in quick succession. 1) Now I have to pick him up. 2) Relief that he was already picked up. 3) There is no 3. He has too much talent to let him sit on waivers, but, even though his next start is vs. the Asstros, I wouldn’t trust him to not go out and give up five earned in three innings. I.e., Taijuanna make me want to throw my computer out the window.
Adam Ottavino – Hit the DL with triceps inflammation. That’s not good news for Ottavino or the Rockies who will now be turning to John Axford, The Oh-You-Ax’d-For-It Man. His nickname is about as clunky as he is in the ninth. Of course, SAGNOF, so I’d own him everywhere. I even grabbed Rafael Betancourt in one league, just in case the Rockies get more than they Ax for.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. How is he not on the Yankees? Not rhetorical!
Chase Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Well, he had a good xFIP! *slowly backs out of the room, unintentionally enters room with more angry fantasy baseballers* Hey, fellas. If I had room, I’d try to hold Anderson because he was pretty unlucky yesterday. Of course, that’s not always an option.
Brandon McCarthy – Torn UCL, out for the year, Tommy John surgery likely, new Lamborghini for Dr. James Andrews probable. A voice rings out from a mother’s basement, “But he had a great strikeout to walk ratio!!!” His likely fill-in, Mike Bolsinger, whose proper name is Jock Strap, is worth grabbing in most leagues deeper than 14-team.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he bats in the eight hole. Hey, at least he’s batting, right, Alex Guerrero?
Yimi Garcia – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he pitched the 8th in a game that was a save situation at the time. I give up; you win, Mattingly. You’ve dumbed me to death.
Carl Crawford – Left yesterday’s game with tightness in his side. You’d think that would open a spot for Guerrero in the outfield, but your first mistake is thinking.
Hunter Pence – Week away from BP. Is he on the shoulder somewhere? Cause there’s a BP about three blocks from me. If he wants, I can just mail him gas. *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out he’s a week away from batting practice.
Nori Aoki – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal, hitting .309. Nori, are you Aoki, are you Aoki, are you Aoki, Nori?
Justin Verlander – Confirmed to have a strained triceps after a 2nd opinion. It’s going on about three weeks he’s been out and he’s only up to his 2nd opinion? I once walked out of the eye doctor’s office with pink eye and asked the parking lot attendant if my eye looked red. Two opinions in five minutes. That wasn’t even my record. Once my general practitioner said I was in good health and the nurse walked in and I said, “Do I look like I’m in good health to you?” She nodded. That was two opinions in less than a minute!
Jose Iglesias – 3-for-5 and his 1st homer, hitting .397, and now batting in the two-hole. He’s having an April to remember! There’s something you here a lot in baseball circles. Maybe those aren’t circles, but diamonds. Maybe with Iglesias it’s crosses. Potatoes to chips, I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I wish I owned him.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .303. You could put Hernan Perez in the Tigers lineup and he would hit. Okay, not really, but everyone else.
Danny Santana – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting in the nine hole. Dannys is an oh-for-three away from us bidding him a ‘parting is such sweet relief from your sorry ass.”
Devin Mesoraco – Pinch-hit on Sunday then sat out on Monday. Are the Reds abstaining from DL’ing him until there’s socialized medicine?
Homer Bailey – Hit the DL with an elbow ligament sprain, which usually means Tommy John surgery. Bailey homeranging back and forth to the DL is prolly what is costing Mesoraco. Healthcare doesn’t grow on trees (unless you’re a pygmy and your doctor’s office is in a treehouse).
Jason Marquis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Two words: Versus Brewers.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-1, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, his fourth homer, and three walks. The Joey Votto Cycle!
Joey Votto – 0-for-5, 2 Ks. The Jay Bruce cycle!
Todd Frazier – 0-for-1, 3 runs, 3 BBs, 2 SBs. The Todd Frazier recycled from 2014!
Ryan Braun – On Sunday, he sat out due to a physical issue not related to his thumb. Then yesterday, he sat out with an issue not related to Sunday’s unrelated issue. He’s got more unrelated issues than my coffee table.
Jimmy Nelson – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Member Scarface said he couldn’t have kids with Michelle Pfeiffer because her womb was polluted? The entire Brewers organization’s womb is polluted. Get them all off your team. There’s listeria running through their pitcher’s arms and they are polluting your entire fantasy team’s water supply. Shut off the water at its source!
Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .312. Is it me (it’s not me) or does Segura hit much better from the top of the order? It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Like having the last name Albright and being your North Star.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.92. He did you a favor by not looking incredible. Giving you one more chance to trade for him with some schmohawk that has more name value. Zimmermann for McHugh? Don’t mind if I do.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .300. Even more remarkable (if that first part was at all remarkable), Lowrie’s batting cleanup and it makes sense.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. As soon as the riots cancelled the Baltimore game, it was officially a short schedule day, and time for Rasmus to shine.
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. The Shields of Targaryen, the father of Ks, the James of Padresfell, the Myers of Wil, the Middle of Brooks, the Yonders of over there.
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. The spirit of the hot schmotato lives inside all of us, but mostly just Yangervis.
Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Overheard at Fenway yesterday, “Hey, has Pedroia been tanning?”
Jose Reyes – Hit the DL with a cracked rib. He tried to play through it, but Reyes doesn’t play through injuries. He accumulates new injuries. Too bad for the Jays, that leaves a gaping hole at the top of their lineup. Oh wait, I’m getting goose-pimplies. That hole is cemented over by Travis. *histrionically fans self* I think I need to sit down.
Aaron Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Joe Kelly 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. I watched this game yesterday, mostly because of Heaven Travis, but I inadvertently saw Sanchez and Kelly, and I expected to like Sanchez, but, I must say, interjection, I left being more impressed by Kelly. I had no idea he could hit 97 MPH regularly, then I looked at his velocity charts and he didn’t used to. His velocity has gone up a mile per hour this year on his fastball. His K/9 is 10.7 and his xFIP is 3.07, which are both outstanding. I don’t trust him completely because we’re in uncharted territory for him, but I would grab him in all leagues where I was hurting for pitching to see where it took me.
Miguel Castro – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and has struggled in four of his last five appearances, which is a lot more struggling than Brett Cecil has done. Did someone say Rafael Soriano is ready to go? Sorry, I got this internship with Boras, and it’s required. John Gibbons said if there was a save situation last night, Cecil would’ve closed. Okay, technically, there was a save situation last night. Never the hoo! I’d own Cecil and Castro.
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. He left the game early with neck soreness after making a diving catch. Up until last night, it wasn’t clear Pablo had a neck.
Trevor Bauer – Will start today after battling food poisoning. For what it’s worth, the Indians’ clubhouse janitor said Bauer’s newfound control didn’t make its way into the bathroom.
Corey Kluber – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks. Kluber’s done all he can do. Now it’s up to you to buy low on him. Quickly, before his next game.
Mike Moustakas – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .342. I saw his last name and I almost wrote Moistasskiss. I have no idea what that means, but I’m just tossing it out that it’s good. Moustakas shouldn’t be the two-hole hitter, he should be the three hitter! The Clown Prince of Suckass has finally come of age. Long live the Moustakas!
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-4, 1 run and 3 steals. Ugh, I was so close to streaming him for one day, but I had no one to sit. #firstplaceteamproblems
Max Scherzer – Start pushed back a few days due to his swollen thumb. That also has made his Fonzie impersonation look ridiculous.
Jason Heyward – Sat out yesterday due to tweaking his groin. TMI!
Adam Wainwright – Will have Achilles surgery this week. If the doctor performing the surgery is reading the Iliad, run the hell out of there!
Gregory Polanco – Scratched with a tight groin. What did he scratch with? Maybe I don’t want to know.
Jason Hammel – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.55. Between him and Lance Lynn, there’s a tight race between the number one starter that no one wants until they actually own one.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 5th steal. Hey, it’s no sweat off my ‘stache if you don’t own him.
Domonic Brown – When he’s done rehabbing, he might be sent to the minors. With outfielders on the major league roster of Odubel, Sizemore and Francoeur, Sandberg likely said he wanted to send Brown to the minors because he thought he was looking at a minor league team.
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Ugh, he gives me serious waiveredlust.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks vs the Cards. This was like when a new job has you come in and work for two weeks before they give you the job. The Cards will be calling Hamels shortly to tell him how he did.
Carlos Ruiz – 4-for-4, 2 runs. He did it with *pinkie to mouth* roo-ease.
Chase Utley – 0-for-4, hitting .113. In related news, the Phillies could make a lot of glue if they wanted to.
Yunel Escobar – Left yesterday’s game after Andrelton spiked him on a slide. Andrelton tried to mend Yunel’s hand with his regenerating lizard tongue, but Yunel wasn’t having any of Andrelton’s home planet crap.
Doug Fister – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 3.28 vs. Eric Stults 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.03. This is the first time that Fister has gone against Eric Stults since the porn adaption of his hit movie: Mask, The Rocky Penis Story.
Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Who has more value: Kelly Johnson or Aramis? I’m asking for a friend.
Jake McGee – Cleared for a rehab assignment and aiming for an early-May return. Hopefully he gets through Cinco de Mayo in rehab. That’s gotta be tough.
Alex Colome – Will return to the Rays’ rotation this weekend. He’s got solid stuff (94 MPH-ish on the fastball), but struggles with his control (4+ BB/9). In some deeper leagues, I could see taking the flyer, because he does have the ability to strikeout out hitters. I looked to add Colome on a few teams, but I just didn’t have room. Again, #firstplaceteamproblems
Adam Warren – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.35. I clicked on his name, looking at his player page, expecting to see a lot of great peripherals, and I closed that browser window thinking about how last night’s start was against the Rays.
Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Every night a different Yankee comes through. Tom Brokaw said it best, they’re the greatest generation.
Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Gee, not bad.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .174. I’ve never been a fan of Murphy, and now it’s like the entire world is seeing him through my eyes.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .316, and near-.400 in the last week, and has hit safely in 13 of his last 14 games, and you still don’t care. Forget that you didn’t own him until today. Today, is the rest of your life together with Lagares. It’s Juanuary 1st, and don’t drop the ball.
Jarred Cosart – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 2.49. His K/9 is down to 4.29, which is laughably Radke. But tis tis don’t fear the bliss bliss, the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and I could see streaming him.
Steve Cishek – 1 IP, 3 ER, 2nd blown save and ERA is up to 11.37. Whenever I hear Cishek, I think it sounds like the sample from Double Dutch Bus that Missy Elliott used in her song, Gossip Folks. With that in mind, when I pull up Cishek’s WHIP, pitches look like shizz. When he enters the game, I’m gripping these curbs. Skuur, did ya heard? I swear that rhymes when she says it. Cishek is having velocity problems and can’t-get-no-one-out problems. Even if the Marlins go to a new closer, it’ll likely be a committee, but I did attempt to add A.J. Ramos in some leagues.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Activated from paternity leave, then was dumped from his team. This sounds like a mash-up of Moneyball and Kramer vs. Kramer.
