Jurickson Profar (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .338) is a top 20 player on the Player Rater. Not the last-7 day rater, the season-long. Yup. With that in mind, in a tie game, Mike Shildt removed Profar from the game for a defensive replacement. He removed his leadoff man. A guy who is breaking out in his 12th year in the league. Jurickson Profar, his best hitter. Does that read as smart to you? If it does, I have an imaginary bridge going from Make-Believeland to Not-A-Real-Placetown to sell you. Not-A-Real-Placetown is just outside of Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey. It is absolutely real. So, Profar has a .310 xBA, .417 wOBA, top 10% in league K% and an easy high on exit velocity and HardHit%. It may not continue to this extent, but it feels like one of those years where a guy inexplicably has a top 50 year with a random career year. Like straight outta Not-A-Real-Placetown. Still a real place. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I did not write in magic marker ‘Tesla’ on my Toyota bumper so I could park in the electrical vehicle parking spot, it came like that.”

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.08. Shota deserves better than the Cubs’ pen.

Michael Busch – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .262. Still kinda bitter this sealed the win for Neris and not Shota. Gonna move on before I lose it. How dare you waste my Shota!

Evan Carter – 1-for-6, hitting .222. Rangers scored 15 runs and Carter did a Ticker Tease!

Marcus Semien – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .266. What a blast by Semien! Ew.

Leody Taveras – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .254. He’s also top 30-ish on the 7-day Player Rater. Said like a fresh off boat Italian, “That’s-a schmotato!”

Jonah Heim – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Meh, you know what he’s hitting, so go ahead, guess it. Within 20 points. .260? Bzzt-wrongo! He’s hitting .301.

Seth Brown – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Kyle McCann (2-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .393) hit his 3rd homer. Now you have to guess if I made up his name. By the by, the A’ss have actually been decent for hitting recently, and Abraham Toro (2-for-6, 1 RBI, hitting .287) has been leading off.

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. When Jeffers on, we’re all movin’ on up.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Cal Raleigh (1-for-1, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 9th homer. With *itch and a giant Dumper going deep, this game would’ve been Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s favorite.

Victor Robles – Activated from the IL. That’s nice, please don’t step on Jacob Young’s playing time. Please, Davey!

Trevor Williams – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at…Guess this 32-year-old’s ERA and win-loss record. Go ahead! How wrong could you be? That was pretty wrong! He’s 4-0 with a 1.96 ERA. This start was vs. the Orioles. What, and I’m pausing for effect, is going on here? Open a Congressional investigation into Trevor Williams right now! My tax dollars demand it!

Jose Berrios – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 2.85. Having flashbacks to 2022. Why can’t he go from great to mediocre? Does it have to be total annihilation?

Bryce Harper – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. How many kids has he had this month?

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Been solid and Streamonator likes (moderately) his next start. And away we go!

Kody Clemens – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Put Clemens in the Hall of Fame! This one. Just to get his dad out of shape, like his last few years.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. Buy low window is closing about as slow as it goes, as he still hits .152. Is the Rice Bowl living in Schwarber’s belly?

Isaac Paredes – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .299. I’m reminded after my sleeper post went up how people were talking about how Paredes only pulled balls. Well, speaking of which, allow me to make the jerk-off motion.

Pete Fairbanks – Out to a rehab assignment, so sounds like Jason Adam or anyone else might not have value much longer in the Rays’ pen. Fun fact about Jason Adam! His name backwards sounds like someone who runs a brothel in France.

Paul DeJong – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Colonel Mustard in Benihana with a Buddha mug!

J.P. France – Dealing with a shoulder injury and will be out for a while, i.e., I see London, I see…Uh…

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.43. If this is the end, it would be fitting to come in the same year the Astros’ long dynasty run comes to an end.

Luis Gil – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.92. At some point, Regression Fairies are going to show up and comment dryly on his wardrobe and ruin his ratios, but, until then, I have been enjoying the ride.

Anthony Volpe – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .250. Also, in this game, Giancarlo (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 7th homer, and Alex Verdugo (3-for-5, 4 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Know who didn’t? Judge, jury and executioner you are!

Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.75. Sigh, I benched Kutter and started Berrios. Teach me to think.

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I want to go back to every person in March who was like, “Kelenic’s going to Atlanta! This is the breakout,” and shake them senseless.

Brendan Donovan – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .223. Between Pillar, Ibanez, Kelenic and Donovan, it was a good night to spin the bottle and pick up off waivers whoever it landed on.

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Nootbaar with a home run…Allergy?

Willson Contreras – Out with an arm fracture, after J.D. Martinez swung through it. Was pretty gnarly. I watched it once and kinda wanted to do a small ralphing. Supposedly, the Cards told Contreras to move up on the plate to better get at low strikes, which makes me ask, “Are they out of their mind?” Did they leave out a key piece of the equation like he needs to move closer to the plate and use a robotic arm? This opens up the job to Herrera, who is rosterable in all two-catcher leagues, and could get on one-catcher radars.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. That Buy Low window is pretty shut now.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Albombso!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Wonder if they’ll trade him, because if they will, he could become a platoon bat on a new team.

Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Not a stretch to say De La Snooze has been the Marlins’ one bright spot.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Max is the Munciest!

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.79. His ERA is now 1.76 when you remove his South Korean start.

Wily Adames – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Also, in this game, Joey Ortiz (1-for-3) hit his 2nd and Rhys Hoskins (1-for-5) hit his 7th. Is it me or did they replace the dead balls with bouncy ones yesterday?

James McArthur – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.32, and his 2nd straight oopsie. Damn, he was rolling well there. He looked how Trevor Megill (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.04, and 3rd save) now looks. Could see handcuffing McArthur with John Bartleby Schreiber.

TJ Friedl – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL and hit leadoff. Loved Friedl coming into draft season. Call him Friedl-Lay because just one wasn’t doing the trick. Went down to Tijuana to see TJ’s birthplace to find out the TJ stood for Tom Juice. Unfortch, he had a fractured wrist, and that dampens my enthusiasm for any hitter, pretty dramatically. I’m willing to get back in love if he’s healthy, because the wrist shouldn’t slow his steals, but his 18/27/.279 last year seems like a pipe dream until we see something.

Jonathan India – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .222. Reds and Rockies play in the best stadiums, and their lineups are both filled with some of the biggest wasters of those parks. Y’all bunch of park wasters!

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.55 as he was activated from the IL. His stats are so off-the-charts bad, I wouldn’t even use the Streamonator for him.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .211. He’s back, baby, he’s back! [tomorrow his shoulder flies out of its socket and my soul leaves my body and drifts off into outer space] So, it’s nice that Carroll was hitting leadoff and homered — good park for it, he’s no park waster! But, I’m not declaring Corbin back after one decent game.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. To look back at the Corbin blurb, Ketel’s homered in back-to-back games, so does that make him better than Corbin by twice as much?

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. This was vs. the Reds, i.e., the park wasters.

Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 1 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Would prolly hold Ginkel for a save or two just in case the Sewald is breached.

Kyle Harrison – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Went into Coors faced the other Park Wasters and helped them waste their park. Took a little sting off me for starting Berrios because I started Harrison too. I’d blow on my knuckles cockily, but it didn’t take that much sting off.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. His home run trot is rocking a baby in his arms and he’s my sleeper! LFG!

Logan Allen – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.41. If you were all-in on Logan, then have you considered Logan Foldem?

Kenta Maeda – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.75. Hey, Maeda, thanks for taking some of the pressure off me for dropping you in what I thought was premature fashion.

Andy Ibanez – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Not to be confused with iBanez, which is an Apple Store bathroom in Latin America. Or Aye Baez, which is what Javy says at a slider.

Patrick Sandoval – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Streamonator, trained by the smartest AI in the world, never likes Angels pitchers, and that’s why I like the Streamonator.

Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Shh…listen very closely. Do you hear that? It’s the one person in Poughkeepsie who rostered Andy Ibanez and Pillar on the same team. They’re really screaming loudly huh–Oh, God, is that an emergency vehicle’s siren? Damn, the excitement was too much. A lesson to us all. Never Pillar and Ibanez with high blood pressure.