You’ve sat by your computer and wondered aloud, how far can the Razzball tentacles stretch, while people nearby have shushed you for talking to yourself. Well, the unruly ivy that is Razzball has just grown itself a new branch — we’ve started to cover fantasy soccer. Next thing you know, we’re gonna have fantasy bocce ball with your host, Luigi. Alas, for now, it’s footy, futbol, the sweet protective shinguard of sports, soccer. A longtime Razzball writer, Smokey, and Ralph will be heading (get it?) the soccer side of things. I can’t wait to see what they say about fantasy soccer without using their hands. That is part of the rules for writing about soccer, right? They should make that a rule for everything to do with soccer. Concessions? Delicious, but must be eaten with your feet. By the by (like the rest of this isn’t a side note on top of side notes), what do they serve at soccer games? Can’t serve hot dogs, that’s baseball. Hamburgers are football. Malt liquor and hoochies in thongs are basketball. What’s soccer? Seems like they’d serve something like kefta kebabs. Oh, wait, is it a soccer game or match? Do we have our first branch of Razzball that is a match? Match sounds so tennis-y and that’s so girly. No offense, four girl readers. Fantasy Soccer: We Get Flop Sweat Without Using Our Hands and We Mean The 2nd Definition of Flop Sweat on Urban Dictionary. What? That’s our motto.
Soccer is the largest participation sport for kids under 12 and people around the world, so this seemed like a natural progression. Okay, so everyone who plays soccer under the age of twelve quickly stops once they have enough coordination to use their hands. I have no idea if Smokey and Ralph will have fantasy soccer info for Youth Soccer, but I’d imagine they will. Little Timmy Williams out of Colonia, New Jersey is the best running-along-the-side-kid-that-doesn’t-cry-when-his-mother-is-ten-minutes-late-to-pick-him-up. The worldwide appeal of soccer, and fantasy soccer, can not be denied. When football is mentioned everywhere else in the world, they’re talking about headers, and not as in, “Did that player give his wife a header in the elevator?” I’m sure now Smokey and Ralph will be blogging in Spanish. ¡Ay, naranjas en la cabeza! Or at least talking about the best ESPN 30 for 30 that we still haven’t seen: a behind the scenes documentary about the movie Victory! Sly Stallone says, “Ya know, Michael Caine and Pele went out one night before production and bonded by sleeping together. Wild times.” Any the hoo! Smokey and Ralph are diehards and very capable hands for Razzoccer! (Razzbol?) So, go to our newly launched fantasy soccer blog and welcome them.
