Diamond is widely acknowledged as the most successful Fantasy Baseball Pick-up Artist in the world – applying the methods of female seduction to the art of winning fantasy baseball league championships.  He travels cyberspace with his wing Saber, teaching those who play fantasy baseball how to be fantasy baseball players.

I am not a brilliant baseball statistician.  I do not spend hours upon hours combing the Internet for fantasy baseball news or advice.  I do not spend much time watching baseball on TV.  But what I do is win fantasy baseball leagues.  Auction leagues.  Draft leagues.  One-year leagues.  Keeper leagues.  It doesn’t matter – I win them all.

I’m sure you are reading this and laughing.  You may be thinking “Who does this dufus with the wizard hat think he is?”  I’ll tell you – I am a Master Fantasy Baseball Pick-up Artist.

I realize you are skeptical.  All I can do is share my wisdom.  Share my method.  It is up to you whether you use it.

For my first post, I will focus on the importance of one’s fantasy baseball Avatar in online leagues.    An Avatar is the image you project to your leaguemates.  It should not be mistaken for the cartoon images in video games and instant messengers.  It is more than that.  It is every interaction point you make with your leaguemates – particularly in the beginning of the season.

Your first interaction point is your online name.  What do you use?  Is it something based on your real name?  Is it some mildly amusing nickname you have?

What does this project?  It projects you’re an RTS (RoToSchmo).

This is the Phrase Phase – the time when a Fantasy Baseball Pick-up Artist establishes right from the get-go that he is the alpha-male in the league.  He does this by choosing a name that makes this abundantly clear.  Vivid, non-humorous, emotive names that gain respect:  tigershark, 800lbgorilla, spikes_up_slider, grizzlykilla, etc.   We call this Powerphrasing.

You might be saying to yourself “I’m playing fantasy baseball just for fun” or “I prefer to sneak under the radar” or “That’ll make me sound like a prick”.  That’s your RTS voice talking.  Listen to it if you are content fighting for 5th place every year.  The goal of our Avatar is to communicate power.

The next crucial decision is your visual image.  In many online leagues, you can download a picture.  Some choose to leave this blank.  Some use an animated image.  Some choose a normal picture of themselves.

Again, I ask, what are you trying to project here?  The answer should be….confidence.  You thought I was going to say power, right?  That is our Avatar end goal.  But powerful people don’t need to pose with their biceps flexing or holding a weapon in their hand.  This is what non-powerful, insecure people do to appear powerful.  A truly powerful person is confident.

How does one show confidence?  By wearing a baseball hat.  No.  By wearing a baseball hat backwards.  That’s better but no.  Confidence is wearing something ridiculous like a wizard hat.  Yeah it looks silly but it combines with your PowerPhrase to tells your league mates to say, “Boys, you’re playing for second place.”  We call these confidence-exuding accessories MadProps.  Some people – like my wing Saber – just ooze confidence and don’t require a MadProp.  When in doubt, MadProp it out.

Now how do you best leverage this powerful Avatar you’ve created from your PowerPhrasing and MadProps?  We’ll save that for your next lesson….

  1. BigFatHippo says:

    This is a fantastic piece of journalistic creativity. Just a couple guesses, Diamond is the real Rudy and Saber is your Uncle Sal Albright?

    I know I’m right, you don’t have to lie to be cool.

  2. @BigFatHippo: Thank you for the kind words. For fantasy purposes, I suggest replacing ‘fathippo’ with ‘dickedrhino’. Hippos might be hungry but they don’t attack.

    @bfadds: The Samuel L. wallet is a good MadProp – the Samuel L. Jackson afro and sideburns would be a great MadProp. bfadds reminds me too much of k-fed and life of brian is too humorous. I suggest something like KillerMC.

  3. Grey

    Grey says:

    @bfadds: I think spamming comments is similar to putting the moves on your boy’s ex-girlfriend.

  4. big o says:

    think i’ll leave the realm of elf-dom to others .

  5. Pops says:

    Nothing projects confidence and illustrates a MadProp like a notoriously sweet beard. Hence the team name – Bedrosian’s Beard.

    Abundantly clear: check….
    Serious as a shark attack: check….
    Non-humorous: chigedy- check.

  6. BigFatHippo says:

    @Diamond, The Fantasy Baseball Pick-up Artist: Apparently you haven’t witnessed this hippo attack an all you can eat buffet at KFC after partaking in the Pineapple Express. It’s a sight to behold.*

    * Apologies to the Colonel, I will never remove my pants to get more comfortable in one of your fine eating establishments again, ever.

  7. Eric W says:

    just rock a eye patch in your avatar picture nobody will be quite sure if your a pirate or not but know one is going to take that risk

  8. CustardHound says:

    I am crossing my fingers for season 3–please God, let there be a season 3!

  9. BigFatHippo says:

    @Doug Ault: Ha.

    Now I’ll never get that 3 minutes of my life back.

  10. Jeff says:

    Wow. Seeing Diamond in that wizard hat makes me want to grow hair on my feet and call myself Frodo. Too bad hobbits are about as intimidating as an underage Chinese gymnast.

  11. Jeff says:

    @Diamond: Working on the image. Does a viking helmet work or is it too obvious? How about a Roman centurion’s helmet? (I don’t have either one, but they sound hot.)

    And what about Conan the Rotorian as a team name? I especially like his philosophy of life: Crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women. Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of men greater than the slayer of the nefarious Thulsa Doom…

  12. ralf0zero says:

    hahaha this is an amazing article! out of all the times that i’ve wished that i had a wizard hat, this is probably the most intense! my question is, what if we could combine this power/confidence with some actual fantasy sports knowledge? sounds like a winning combination to me. but i guess we’ll have to wait on Diamond’s next post to see what he thinks.

    as for now, im using a site called https://www.Iammhypingmysiteonrazzball.com. I usually use baseball monster for analysis but so far Iamhypingmysiteonrazzball.com seems better and definitely easier to use. i loaded my team last night pretty easily and it looks like its got some really good stuff including a trade evaluator. i would check it out. let me know what you guys think.

  13. ralf0zero says:

    you have an uncanny troll sniffing ability, diamond. good article none the less.


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