On April 7th, Derek Dietrich admired his 3rd home run of the season for an ungodly amount of time. The last straw for the opposing team was when he paused before running to first, placed a Craigslist ad, waited five days for a sketch artist to respond, then had the sketch artist draw him rounding the bases. Then when he got to third and saw the first draft of the drawing, yelled, “No freakin’ charcoal,” and paused for another few days to find someone who worked in pen. After that display, everyone was calling Dereck Dietrich a hot dog, even the world’s leading critic of hot dogs, the guy driving the Weinermobile. Of course, none of this was blown out of proportion like Tim Anderson. Cut to weeks later and we’ve realized why Dietrich wanted to study his home run trot. He was perfecting it. On Friday, he hit his 6th and 7th homers, then his 8th homer on Saturday and his 9th homer on Sunday (1-for-3, hitting .257). I doubt it continues, but I also can’t imagine a reason to not ride the hot schmotato while it’s going on. As 50 Cent’s fantasy baseball team is named: Get Dietrich or Dietrich Tryin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Kemp – Released by the Reds, and this weekend Schebler was sent to the minors. The Reds have serious rookie nookie! They’re like the dynasty team in your league that is built to win in 2022 and trades Jose Abreu for Vlad Jr. Jr. just in case Vlad Jr has a son. “On my bench, I have three fetuses and Vlad Jr.’s sperm.” That’s the dynasty owner.
Jesse Winker – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .243. Also, in this game, Eugenio Suarez (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 9th homer. That’s three players on the Reds hitting their 9th homer in one game, and none of them rhyme with Doughy Blotto.
Dereck Rodriguez – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.75. I get notification emails when players are dropped in certain leagues. The only ones I truly pay attention to are the NL or AL-Only leagues, because I figure in mixd leagues, I can just find guys on waivers. Plus, in Only leagues, there’s so few guys on waivers that the notifications are few and far between. On Saturday night, I received two notification emails that D-Rod was dropped, and, in a third NL-Only league, the person held him, because the person is me! Late 3rd act twist! Then, twist after the credits: He was on my bench for this start!
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .257. He doesn’t look like a shell of his former self. He looks if that shell had a baby shell and that baby shell had a baby shell. Then that baby shell’s baby shell went on an episode of Montel Williams titled, “Baby Shells Having Baby Shells,” and had a paternity test to find out it’s not related to Buster’s baby shell’s baby shell but is just a random baby shell’s baby shell.
Miguel Andujar – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL on Saturday. Don’t worry, if you have the over on ten injured Yankees players, you’re still good, because James Paxton went to the IL on Saturday. James Paxton’s never thrown more than 161 IP in a season and he’s 30 years old, so I don’t think we have to worry about him throwing more than 161 this year either. Cashman said Paxton will be sidelined around three weeks, and Lasagna will fill in, and a filling for lasagna is cheese, which is what Loaisiga throws. Coincidence? Please.
Clint Frazier – Will return today or tomorrow, but to even out the Yankees’ balance sheet Luis Severino won’t be back before the All-Star Game. On the other busted up Yank, Aaron Hicks could be back next weekend. Whereas, Stanton could take BP this week, not sure where he’s taking a gas station, but there ya go. This year’s Yankee yearbook is doubling as the Oxford Textbook of Medicine.
Domingo German – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.35. Not saying all that much, but he’s easily the Yankees’ 2nd best pitcher, if not their best. Bit early to be looking at this, but he has a .125 BAA on his curve, and .189 on his four-seamer. Yeah, that works.
J.A. Happ – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.93. He’s such garbage that garbage just filed a trademark infringement lawsuit. Good luck defending yourself, Happ!
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Look at Odorizzi’s ERA and then look at the ERA of the 1st pitcher you drafted. Zoinks!
Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.09. First time I’ve watched him in a while (was really watching for German). Pineda’s fat, which is really cool because that means he’s an automatic refilling piñata. Modern technology, man.
Blake Treinen – Billy Beane put his hand up Bob Melvin’s rear and moved his lips to say Treinen was unavailable, due to elbow discomfort. The guy from the Trivago commercials–wait, I heard that wrong, it’s Trivino who could be next, but I’d guess Joakim Soria is in the mix too. This was solidified when Fernando Rodney puked up four runs as he went for the extra-inning save. Rodney’s the Desperado of major league relievers, yelling to fly balls, “Come down before the fences, before it’s too late.”
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.75 vs. Jordan Lyles – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.20. This matchup was billed as “It’s May, so if a pitcher has an ERA under 3.00, I don’t care what their peripherals look like I want them on my team until further notice.”
Jameson Taillon – Hit the IL with a right elbow flexor strain, and will seek out a 2nd opinion. Opinion > Taillon’s balls. Any hoo! To the person new to thinking, this is not good news.
Eric Sogard – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .375. Hot schmotato or Vlad Jr. is playing in Sogard’s uniform? You make the call!
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .141. “If we roll him up in this carpet, we can drop him off at a swap meet and let someone else find him–Wait! Odor moved! I think he’s alive.” Can’t believe this mothereffer only has two homers. Dee Gordon has two homers! Someone should go up to Rougned Odor and tell him that Rougned Odor was talking crap about him so he punches himself out.
Drew Smyly – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.63. Remember, it’s not the clothes that make you:
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .232. On our Player Rater, Asdrubal’s been worth about $5, and Odor’s been worth about a negative twenty dollars. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA–BREATHE, GREY! Whoa, I almost lost it there for a second. If you would’ve screamed out negative eighteen dollars at your auction, you would’ve been overpaying for Odor. *bites lip, exploding* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…
Shawn Kelley – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 1.29, as Chris Martin and Leclerc worked the 8th & 7th, respectively. Kelley appears to be the Rangers closer of the moment, and I haven’t yet had the inclination to do filmed interviews with his owners after disastrous outings called Surviving S. Kelley.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Ed-Rod has been better than he has at any point in his career. Do not give up on him.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.11. It’s a long way back to a low-4, high-3 ERA and Porcello’s headed back there. Eventually.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .291. Abreu is so boring that he could hit three homers in a game, they’d be solo homers and still be boring. Now prove me wrong, Abreu!
Juan Soto – Hit the IL with back spasms. Ooh, someone is calling me. Hold on…Hello? “You might win some, but you just lost Juan.” Stop gloating, Lauryn Hill! At varying times in the 1st month, I’ve lost Trea Turner, Juan Soto, Dahl, Iannetta, Avila, Zimmerman, Garrett Cooper and Schebler in NL-Only Tout, and I was still in 1st as of Friday. (I’m in 2nd now, but I need healthy bodies. Please.)
Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.79. I get it. I told you not to draft him, but you want your independence. If I were you, I’d now ask for my independence from Yu.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .243. If all it took was saying to sell him, I would’ve said it a month ago. Hopefully, he’s coming out of it, but he’s on pace for 20 homers and has less than half the homers of Willson Contreras (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .311).
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.17. Fozzie Bear is embarrassed for Wacha, Wacha, Wacha.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .267. OZUNA enjoy Wrigley. OZUNA surprised they don’t let him wear two mitts. OZUNA hear about Wrigley’s double-mitt pleasure.
Paul DeJong – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .336. Colonel Mustard in the gym with the shuttlecock!
Dylan Bundy – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Bundy would be going on his 7th year in the minors if he pitched for any other team. Bundy received a stay of execution due to politics in Baltimore, even though he’s shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.64. Someone asked on Saturday if I want Wheeler or Buehler and I said Wheeler without hesitating, then thought about it and realized I do want Wheeler and that I should’ve had to think about it, but I didn’t. At first. I did afterwards.
Steven Matz – Will travel to New York to have a nerve issue in his left forearm looked at by team doctors. Well, that’s the end of him.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer in his 1st start in a week, hitting .346. The only thing that can stop Christian Yelich is himself. It’s the duality of man, which should be spelled duelity, if you ask me.
Zach Davies – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.56. He cruised through the Mets’ B lineup, because most of their regulars were tired, due to a marathon game the night before. Here’s a real puzzler though: How come the Brewers weren’t tired? Put that shizz in a Sporcle and see if there’s an answer. As for Davies, his peripherals are hot garbage found under the backseat of your El Dorado.
Hunter Dozier – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .346. Too bad I never told you to pick up Dozier. Wait a second! I did. About three games into the season.
Ian Kennedy – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 2.76, as he gave the walk-off homer to Brandon Dixon (his 1st homer), who is often referred to as The Old 69er, instead of the more graphic Bra-Dix. If you think Kennedy is a closer, you’re overestimating Kennedy’s April, or underestimating his previous 11 years.
Tyson Ross – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.34. Ross got undressed for less.
Spencer Turnbull – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Told you on Friday that Turnbull was a Streamonator, but his next start is less forgiving. Turnbull could become “Turnbull” as pronounced by Charles Barkley.
Luke Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29. This start was in Coors, but no one messes with Luke on May the Fourth be with you.
German Marquez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.46. At least two of his runs should be unearned. The scorer (in Coors! Thanks, hometown scoring!) gave David Peralta a double after he hit a grounder that hit off Ryan McMahon’s glove. What a joke. Everything hit towards Ryan McMahon at 2nd base should be considered an error, even balls he catches. Marquez has looked consistently better in every start this year, and you have to think at some point his luck will turn. Yes, a guy pitching as well as Marquez has actually been better.
Erik Swanson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.94. How long does it take for a chicken to die after you cut off its head? A minute? Two minutes? Ten minutes? An hour? Okay, whatever time it is, take that time and add one second, that’s how Swanson’s opponent, the Indians, looked yesterday. Swanson gets Fenway next, and you don’t need the Streamonator to tell you that’s not good.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .241. Also, in this game, Jay Bruce (1-for-5, 4 RBIs) hit his 11th homer and Mitch Haniger (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 8th homer. The Mariners are seamen (hehe) much like the Ironborn (except Theon’s no seamen — hehe..he), have woken again, and what is dead may never die.
Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s on pace for 30 homers, so y’all, need to chill-Max.
Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.67 and his 2nd blown save. He’s been a lights-out closer all year, as in shut off the TV when he comes in so it’s dark in your house to better pray for a good outcome. I grabbed Pedro Baez in deep leagues, but not yet in mixed ones.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Supposed to be us cutting into this $54 vending machine Filet Mignon, but he’s taking cuts for us. (This metaphor is written on a piece of paper, put into a bottle and lost at sea. A metaphor’s metaphor!)
Trevor Richards – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.10. Richards might be the only pitcher who sets up his changeup with a changeup. He’s like the kid in elementary school who used to pretend to changup his sneakers by taking a marker and coloring in the swoosh.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-2 and his 3rd homer, hitting .333. Sparkakis!
Luke Jackson – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.25. Until the Braves sign Craig Kimbrel (it’s The Secret, you have to put it out in the universe), it looks like Luke Jackson is the closer or at least the favorite for saves.
Mike Soroka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.14. Turn to you nearest mirror and say, “Hey, dummy, you’re the reason why Soroka is owned in less than 50% of leagues.” Now smile to that girl you have a crush on that just walked by witnessing you talking to yourself and say, “I’m still in first, sweetcheeks.” She likes you.