There are certain things in this world that should be considered criminal. Bringing 11 items to a 10 item express lane is one of them. Breaking out your checkbook at said express lane would be another. Not having your gosh darned info filled out BEFORE they’re done ringing up your stuff would be another. Seriously, do you need to know the total before you sign it and put the date on it? Did you really need to know it was $23.42 before you marked ‘groceries’ as the ‘for’ section? And why you using checks, dude! It’s 2013! I don’t care if you have bad credit, it’s called a debit card or pulling out cash! But I’ll spend more if I have a card or cash. You do already now, jack-hole, you just do it slower and tick off everyone around you! Wow, that escalated quickly. Where was I? Oh yeah, things that should be considered criminal. Outside of unexpressing an express lane, a big no no in my book is letting a guy who hits third in the lineup of a team that currently leads the league in runs languish out in the FA pool. I’m here to talk with you about the lisper’s nightmare, Seth Smith, and how he can help you during week 5 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…
The first thing that needs to get aired here is this: I should not be able to write about a guy who’s batting .328 four weeks into the season as a ‘creeper’. You should know he’s out there and he should already be owned. But ESPN is telling me (I’m being literal about this. They call me. It’s like a creeper hotline. It’s either Stephania Bell or Matthew Berry talking in a strange falsetto.) that Seth Smith is only about 13% owned. Wait, what, huh? Oh wait, it’s ESPN it must be better over at Yahoo… wait, it’s only 9% there. Well ok, so no one needs a good hitter at UTIL or OF. Well aren’t you all special. But more to the point of why you might wanna pick up Seth for this week: he’s hitting. Ok, you probably want more of a reason since you already knew that and haven’t picked him up. Well how about starting the week off against a team with the second worst ERA in the major leagues with the Angels? If it weren’t for the AAAstros, this Los Angeles team would be mis-leading the league with a 4.82 ERA. That’s what happens when your current staff ace is C.J. Wilson and has an ERA of 4.30. Let’s just say it’s not a fun time to be in Anaheim right now. Even Goofy is hanging his head in shame. If the schedule holds true, Seth will face Hanson (RHP), Richards (RHP), and C.J. Wilson (LHP). Those parentheses are for you to know that he may not get to play against C.J. given the Athletics penchant for playing matchups and platooning guys. That said, Smith hasn’t exactly failed against southpaws so far this year as he’s now 8/16 with a homerun off of them on the year, so it’s possible he’ll get a shot at Wilson as well. After that, Mr. Smith takes a trip to Yankees stadium, a place well known for being friendly to left handed power hitters. Don’t believe me? Travis Hafner has 4 HRs in 26 ABs so far at home this year and an .962 slugging percentage. People, I’m no Pronk-tologist, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn last night and woke up stinking of gin and with a sticky Home & Garden magazine next to me. Those were some really nice cantaloupes… wait, that’s not how those commercials go. To the point, please pick up Seth Smith and for the love of all things you hold dear in your life, stop using checks as part of your every day purchasing needs. Really, I bet you still have a rotary phone at home.
