This will be a briefer blurbstomp than usual (though we all know I say that and then immediately write 1K extra words) due to my lovely olde lady cat passing on from this mortal coil. I grew up with a dog, and also members of a human family, and when she died I was a freshman in college. I remember crying in the shower, afraid to show vulnerability to anyone in my newly established world. This time it was telling my kid that it was okay to cry, and it hurt like hell. It still does.

I ask that if you have a pet, give it a little extra food, or let it go to the bathroom where it shouldn’t this week, in honor of my cat. If you have a pet rock, look into its many crystallized eyes (unless it’s a smooth volcanic rock, in which case, look into its dead shark eye body) and tell it that it’s allowed to go to the bathroom anywhere it wants, for the rest of eternity. Make a promise you can keep. It’s a rock. It’s always watching and listening. And waiting.

So yeah. Give up some love for your pets. They’re usually the only members of your family who can stand your addiction to fantasy sports, and will always listen to you rant about Kevin Gausman’s lack of run support without dying of disinterest.

A Blurbstomp Reminder

We will analyze player blurbs from a given evening, knowing that 1-2 writers are usually responsible for all the player write-ups posted within an hour of the game results. We will look at:

Flowery Diction – how sites juice up descriptions of player performance
Friendly Reminder – when a blurb insists upon itself
Q and Q – when a site contradicts a player valuation on back-to-back blurbs
The Blame Game – a player takes on the fault of the team as a whole
Stephen A. Smith IMG_4346.jpeg Award – Given to the player blurb that promises the most and delivers the least.
Bob Nightengale Syndrome – instances of updates that don’t update anything

The hope is that by season’s end, we’ll all feel more confident about our player evaluations when it comes to the waiver wire. We will read blurbs and not be swayed by excessive superlatives, faulty injury reporting, and micro-hype. I will know that I have done my job when Grey posts, and there isn’t a single question about catchers that he did not address in his post. Onward to Roto Wokeness!

Flowery Diction

Trevor Larnach homered twice and drew two walks Thursday with Triple-A St. Paul.

Larnach was demoted last week with Alex Kirilloff joining the big club, but he’s responded by going 6-for-11 (.546) with three walks and just one strikeout through his first three games in Triple-A. His major league numbers have been discouraging thus far (.687 OPS through 161 games), but the Twins have to be happy with what they’re seeing from him.

Source: Rotoworld

If the Twins were happy with what they were seeing, he would be in the majors. Let us not pretend that Quad-A players are figments of our imagination. Some dudes can rake in Triple-A, and then they get to the majors and get their gooses cooked. I sincerely root for almost all players to succeed in the face of stacked odds, but being a Quad-A player is an achievement of itself. Now we just have to pay them a bit more (even after the last CBA) so they can rake or fireball comfortably in the lesser league.

Double Take

Pirates selected the contract of OF Josh Palacios from Triple-A Indianapolis.

It’s worth a shot after Palacios has mashed Triple-A with a .434/.500/.774 batting line to go along with four homers and 20 RBI over 13 games. He’s 27 years old and has bounced around multiple organizations in recent years (including the minor league portion of the Rule 5 Draft this past winter), so expectations should be tempered in fantasy leagues.

Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com

Which one is it? Is he worth a shot or is he an expectations temperer? Do the Pirates have room for him? Is he already in a platoon? Will he be coming off the bench? Does he wear a big hat like Pharrel did to that one event (Grammy’s/Oscars/etc?)? Does he wash his whole body in the shower like a freak, or does he only do the doctor-recommended “pits and nethers?”

We’ll never know.

Jose Palacios: He’s worth a shot, so expectations should be tempered in fantasy leagues


Luke Raley went 2-for-4 and homered versus the Orioles on Monday.

Raley is a left-handed hitter with a .929 OPS, but he’s still sitting against a fair number of righties, since the Rays have so many quality options right now. The same goes for Josh Lowe, who also homered tonight. It helps Raley a bunch that the Rays haven’t faced a lefty in three weeks, but even so, he’s on the bench 40% of the time anyway.

Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com

This blurb posits a few doozies:

  1. Raley is sitting against a lot of righties
  2. Raley is squeezed out of the rotation because of the Rays quality logjam
  3. The Rays haven’t faced a lefty in 3 weeks
  4. Raley is benched 40% of the games, so he’s whatevs.

First the facts:

Rays games played: 35 when the blurb was written
Games started by Raley: 24
Percentage of Games Started (not counting Pinch Hit appearances): 68.57%
Percentage of Games Benched (no AB’s recorded): 31%

What we have is a classic 70/30 split. So let’s go back to that list and see how much of this analysis is faulty filler:

  1. Raley is sitting against a lot of righties (not really, but I get the point)
  2. Raley is squeezed out of the rotation because of the Rays quality logjam (sure)
  3. The Rays haven’t faced a lefty in 3 weeks (wild to find this out, considering around 25% of MLB’s SP’s are lefties)
  4. Raley is benched 40% of the games, so he’s whatevs (No)

Much like Bizarro Jerry McGuire, you had me until that last sentence. If you want to tell people to avoid a player, by all means, go for it! You don’t even need to cite any evidence, because it’s about what you, the fantasy blurbist, wants. Rounding up by 9 whole percentage points to prove a point is as useless and unhelpful as me looking up all these Luke Raley Facts to disprove your estimate. In all likelihood this was a slip of the pointer finger, but if it’s in my sights, and I already have concentrated deer urine poured all over me, I pull the trigger.

Lost Guyway

Ramon Laureano

Laureano (concussion) is Martin Gallegos of MLB.com Tuesday versus the Yankees

Source: Rotoedgesportsworld.com

Not much to add here, outside of this blurb also including a classic David Lynch motif, the head injury. Someone probably made a super clip of all the head injuries in his movies and shows, find it yourself. And when you’re done with that, watch this collection of deaths from Melrose Place. What the hell was that show and how can I shoot it into my veins?

May this abbreviated Blurbstomp leave you hungry for next week’s barrage. We’re approaching the 1.5 month mark of every fantasy season where performances are stabilizing, meaning we’ll have a huge amount of “despite the strong start,” and “despite the slow start” type gibberish flooding the marketplace of our minds. How delectable!