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First, I must tip my yacht cap to Josh, the Non-blogger, who gave me the inspiration for this post. (At least I think it was Josh, but I’m not sure because the team name was changed recently. Why do people change their name after a month of the season? This makes things very confusing for standings and trades and… Wait, this was supposed to be a tip of the hat.) So Josh (I think) posted a thread to the messageboard in our Razzball league, “You know you’re doing a pretty good job when.” Well, I Razz’d it up a little and tried to turn it into something more people would want to read than just the suckers in our league. Feel free to add some of your own in the comments (I know you will anyway, cause Razzball has the best commenters. Take that, other fantasy sites.) So without further ado, you know your team sucks when:

–Your number one starter is Sidney Ponson.

–You’ve already traded Johan Santana for Cameron Maybin because of his keeper value.

–Your team doesn’t reach the minimum innings pitched per week of 1.

–You list your available players as “Bronson Arroyo” and immediately wonder if you can afford to lose him.

–You post your needs as Avg/Runs/Steals/Home Runs/RBIs/Wins/ERA/WHIPS/Ks/Saves.

–You say everyone on your team is available for trade even Cristian Guzman.

–Someone asks you to throw another player into a trade and you offer Scott Hatteberg.

–You keep telling yourself your home runs aren’t in bad shape because Juan Pierre can chip in one or two.

–You offer Todd Jones in a trade and you’re legitimately worried that if you lose him, your Ks might take a hit.

–You read box scores and cry.

–You tell anyone in your league that will listen, “Oh, yeah, I have lots of other teams. I don’t care about this one at all.”

–You have Gallardo, Pedro and Rich Hill and you’re counting out every five days and starting them as if nothing is wrong.

–You turn your computer monitor upside down so your team’s in first.

  1. Lou Poulas

    Lou says:
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    - You’re riding the Bobby Crosby bandwagon. Again.

  2. D P says:
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    Grey/Rude-Boy :

    Full panic mode here y’all….. 12 team H2H league with max 50 moves for the season ( I have 17 now)

    Tues. night dropped Zimm then Wed. benched Votto & started Penny, LOL.

    Just dropped Bourn for C. Gomez, and just traded Prince & Penny and got H. Street & R. Howard.

    C R Martin
    1b Howard
    2b Kendrick
    3b Longoria
    Ss Tejada
    Of Rios
    Of Vlad
    Of Cameron
    Util Delmon
    Bn Votto
    Bn C. Gomez

    Sp Johan
    Sp Cueto
    Sp Shields
    Sp Jurrgens
    Sp Burnett
    Sp Lowe
    Rp Soria
    Rp F. Cordero
    Rp H. Street
    Rp Casilla
    Rp H. Bell

    Drop Delmon for Flyin Hawaaiin? Dropped Shane when hurt for Delmon….

    Glaus & Rolen avail. replace Evan?

    Thanks all in advance !!!

  3. Hank

    Hank says:
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    -You did not draft your best 3 players
    -Your new strategy involves punting all offensive categories except steals
    -Another team won’t trade you Randy Johnson because you don’t have anyone they want
    -You try to spot start Daniel Cabrera
    -You pass time by doing mock drafts for next season
    -You tell another manager they can have your best players in trade for 25% of the winnings
    -Your team makes you feel like Zach Greinke
    -Your counting on Andruw Jones getting hot
    -Your Razzball team has better numbers than your standard team

  4. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @D P: You need to chillax. You’re panicking badly. Bourn for Gomez is not a great move. Your trade’s okay, but it’s not a slam dunk. Do *not* drop Delmon for Shane. (I like Shane more but not for your team.) Longoria for Rolen is fine. I could see that.

    @Hank: Awesome additions. You are raising the bar, sir.

  5. KarlJ. says:
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    -You’re pitching staff includes 4 Texas Rangers
    – Like the Mariners your starting DH is also Jose Vidro
    -You’re so far out of it you’d rather watch Dancing With the Stars with the wife than checking your league’s waiver wire

  6. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @KarlJ.: Wow, people are stepping their game up. Well played.

  7. chuck says:
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    - You consider dropping Longoria for Troy Glaus.

    sorry

  8. Omar says:
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    -You thought Zito’s contract was reason enough to make him your team’s ace
    -Willy Taveras is your best hitter, but steals isn’t a category
    -The only pitchers you can afford to keep in your keeper league are Randy Johnson and Jamie Moyer
    -You drafted Johan Santana, Jose Reyes and Albert Pujols in the first few rounds, but no one told you it was an AL only league
    -You decided to only take players with names as long as “Saltalamacchia”
    -Ryan Howard’s AVG is a blessing right now

  9. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @chuck: Unacceptable!

    @Omar: …avg is a blessing — ha.

  10. peter says:
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    - you’re looking forward to 2 starts from Fausto Carmona in week 6 for some WHIP help
    – your two closers are Rafael Soriano and Eric Gagne
    – after you lost Smoltz, you’re relying on CM Wang for Ks
    – you’re playing a catcher as your everyday Util
    – Jose Vidro is your everyday Util
    – you drafted Derek Jeter in the first 7 rounds because of his power/speed combo

  11. KarlJ. says:
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    -You always incorporate your best player into your team name. This year you are going with “Baked Zito”

  12. JR says:
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    —You stay up into the wee hours to make sure you snagged Scott Baker off waivers

  13. peter says:
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    - last week you lost 8-2 to Karabell

  14. peter says:
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    - you’re finding a lot more crap in your bed than you used to

  15. Grey

    Grey says:
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    You guys are great.

    @peter: Karabell one is genius.

  16. You have more than one Molina in your starting lineup.
    Your hitters get pinch-hit for by Micah Owings and Adam Wainwright
    You have no Dominicans or Venezuelans on your team.
    Your first baseman has C or 2B eligibility
    You have 5 players from your ‘home team’ and you live in Kansas City or DC
    Your best hitter keeps losing at bats in real life to an Aybar or an Izturis.
    Chris Berman doesn’t even bother to come up with nicknames for your players.
    Tim Kurkjian’s voice doesn’t crack when he talks about your players.
    Your best OF goes 0 for 5 with a run and you do the Tiger Woods arm pump.

  17. RobY says:
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    You are seriously considering picking up and starting a roster full of guys that get very few AB’s and IP’s because it is the only way to slow the rate at which your AVG and pitching ratios are worsening.

  18. Chase says:
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    You went for it all and hoped for big years from Liriano, Hill, Gallardo, and Hughes

  19. Chase says:
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    You drafted Aaron Harang and Justin Verlander for Wins

  20. Russ says:
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    -You drafted Erick Aybar as a sleeper pick in the second-to-last round, only to drop him after two weeks…and scramble to grab Clint Barmes two weeks later to fill a MI need

    -You finally decided enough was enough with Jack Cust and cut him…and then he was named AL Batter of the week

    -You’re sending Prince Fielder freeze-dried packages of steaks in the mail, to help speed up the “getting hot” process

    -You’ve spent $1.50 in fifty-cent FA pickups on Manny Acosta

  21. Chris says:
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    You drafted Travis Hafner, “knowing” he would rebound to 40+ homer status.

    Ryan Zimmerman was your third base “sleeper” for ’08.

    Verlander, Sabathia, and Gallardo were your top 3 SP.

    You did not draft a reliable closer, and instead ended up with Borowski, Hoffman, and C.J. Wilson.

    You are considering adding David DeJesus as an “upgrade” in your outfield.

    You got pissed when Jeff Keppinger got injured.

  22. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Chris: Shit, these hit too close to home for some of my teams.

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