Arizona Going Nutsy, Checking Rivera’s Paperwork
Saul Rivera, who is surprisingly not related to Eli Whiteside, was acquired by the Diamondbacks. Big shakes, huh? Yeah, Rivera could get into the mix for saves. Another potential candidate for saves is… Wait for it… Here it comes… It’s here somewhere… Where are my notes… Oh, here they are… That’s my freakin’ shopping list, and I didn’t even spell minestrone right… Oh, here… Aaron Heilman! Not sure how the D-Backs are going to have a bullpen of Saul and Heilman. Sounds like the outtakes for Schlinder’s List. Saul walks 3 batters and turns the game over to Heilman. Heilman enters and says, “I pardon you, Saul.” Heilman will probably get exploited for being, well, not so good and having small fingers, but Qualls is close to getting removed from the closer role. Right now, Heilman’s the setup man and he gave up a run yesterday. The Diamondbacks also dropped Bob Howry. Why? Because. Oh, and there’s Juan Gutierrez. That’s not a closerousel, THIS IS A CLOSEROUSEL! I’d own Qualls and Heilman. Gutierrez and I, we’re like Kramer vs. Kramer and Juan just let our kid fall from the jungle gym. He’ll be scarred for life! And never be in another film. As for Saul Rivera, I’ll get my lox from somewhere else. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks. Hey, it’s the old Edwin Jackson! Actually, the old Edwin Jackson was floundering for a few years with the Rays. Hey, it’s the relatively new Edwin Jackson! Well, actually, Edwin hasn’t been good at all this year. Hey, it’s the newer than old, older than new Edwin Jackson! That has a good ring to it. I don’t think Edwin’s turned a corner. I think the Marlins are just the 2nd easiest team to strikeout after the Diamondbacks.
Mark Reynolds – Mini Donkey was out of the lineup with the flu. Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was also out with the flu. They must not have been in-donk-ulated.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Bad year to be an M.I.C (Middle Infield Cabrera). EverCab already spent time on the DL and now Ass-Cab will be out for a while with a broken arm. (BTW, how do you go from a Whore-Ram (Horacio Ramirez) to a Man-Ram (Manny Ramirez)? You take an Ass-Cab.) Asdrubal was driven off the field in a cart that beeped with a sad trombone. He’s not coming back any time soon. My guess is at least two months on the DL.
Luis Valbuena – And Jason Donald will fill in for Asdrubal. As of right now, they’re only worth owning in AL-Only leagues. Donald is a bit more interesting, but it depends on how much time he’ll see. If he gets every day ABs, he could surprise with some very light pop and speed.
Grady Sizemore – CBS Sportsline, which is a sad, sad site, said, “Gimpy Sizemore sits out.” That nickname works for me.
Ryan Howard – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer. He has 13 days left of May. How many homers will he have on June 1st? 13? 14?
Travis Snider – To the DL with a strained wrist. If he had a strained groin with his strained wrist, I wouldn’t shake his hand. DL him if you can, Snider will be back.
Nick Johnson – Having surgery on his wrist, out until July. Hold on, July’s on the phone. Turns out Johnson’s not returning until September.
Jeff Francoeur – Out of the lineup for two straight days. I.e., Frenchy’s on the benchy.
Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. After getting roughed last week vs. the Nats, he looked better, but still not dominant against a team whose offense is relying on Eric Hinske.
Hanley Ramirez – Left the game with a sore ankle. Sore ankle is shorthand for Hanley didn’t hustle after a ball and Fredi Gonzalez lost his shizz and pulled him from the game.
Randy Wells – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’m beginning to think I’m John Cusack with how much I’m liking Randy Wells this year. Wells has been unlucky and his ERA is still only at 4.13. I’m not a fan of his next start though. Oh, Wells.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a home run. It was almost called a double when it hit a pig flying by.
Corey Patterson – 1-for-2, 3 Runs and 2 steals. Corey’s the type to steal 10 bases in a month. SAGNOF!
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs) and 4 Ks vs. a team he should’ve wiped the mat with King Kong Bundy-style. Okay for matchups (like his next one), but his walks are a bit out of control.
Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, and a steal. As bad as he’s been, he’s still been hitting lefties, which he’ll get four more of this week.
Ian Desmond – 4-for-4, 1 Run, no Steals, no RBIs, no s’s, no g’s. Gotta be honest, he’s one of the more yawnstipating players I own. Do something, man! Hit a homer, steal a base, something!
Alcides Escobar – Stole his first base of the year. Now only needs one more steal to tie Lou Marson.
Corey Hart – 3-for-4, 2 homers. Now has 7 homers, 3 steals and a .287 average. Has 4 homers in the last 4 games. Maybe he finally took those stupid sunglasses off. Worth owning in all leagues while he’s hitting.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now has an ERA of 3.67 on the year. Gets the Indians next time out. The Indians suck. You do the math!
Jonny Gomes – Hit another homer. I wonder if when a Reds player says, “Yo, Jonny” if they also say, “Sans H,” so Cueto doesn’t look.
Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.94 ERA on the year. Hodgepadre!
Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. No walks, but that was only because the Blue Jays never saw a pitch they didn’t like. To give you an idea of how mediocre this start was, during the better part of the telecast all Blyleven kept talking about is how Slowey doesn’t look right. Even Roy Smalley got in the act. Though I’m not sure what Roy Smalley knows about pitching except how not to hit it.
Jose Bautista – Hit his 11th homer yesterday. At this point, I’m surprised he hit only one in this game.
Wandy Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Wasn’t a great start. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not 100% healthy.
John Ely – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. He’s now only walked 3 guys (1 intentional) in 25 and 2/3 innings and has a 3.51 ERA with a 0.94 WHIP. Yes, you should own him.
Javier Vazquez – Got the win vs. the Red Sox! Sure, he only pitched one-third of an inning, but baby steps.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 solo homers as the Sawx and Yanks combined for 7 homers. What is everyone doing at Yankee Stadium? Is it the Macarena? The Electric Slide? No, it’s The Jetstream!
Mike Napoli – Hit one home run yesterday and hit another fly ball that just missed going out by about one and half David Ecksteins. After Napoli returned to the dugout, Scioscia gave him the half head nod that the crusty vet gives the young upstart in all those sports movies. I dropped some schmohawk catcher for Napoli in one of my leagues.
Derek Holland – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. I might sound like an apologist, but this start was better than how the line looks. Holland had a no-hitter into the 5th inning until Juan Rivera hit an infield single that should’ve been an error then Napoli followed with the homer.
Hank Blalock – 2-for-5 with an RBI as he hit 5th. It’s not an endorsement. It’s a Cust kayin’.
Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he hit one WTF (Warning Track Fly). Butler did take care of the game-winning rally. Know how Butler starts rallies? By burning his bra.
