The Twins said goodbye to Ben Revere, that troublemaker! (Not really accurate, but I’m trying to make the Winter Meetings seem exciting. Revere seems like anything but a troublemaker. Either way…) The Twins just couldn’t handle his gamesmanship and play-by-the-rules attitude. Makes them wish they could get back Delmon Young (they probably could; all they have to do is ask or simply put a cupcake near the entrance of their stadium and he’ll wonder back). If the world had a nickel for every time Revere caused a disagreement, the world would be in a deep recession. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Yo, Macro Economics Professor, I blame Ben Revere! So, Revere on the Phils is great for the Phils, finally finding that big bat to fill-in for Juan Pierre. If you graphed out Revere’s homers over the last five years side-by-side with Pierre’s, you’d have a big waste of graph paper. Revere’s over/under for power is 1 homer. His steals, runs and average are above-average, with the steals his biggest asset. His power is such a clusterfudgiethewhale that he’s nothing but SAGNOF and shouldn’t be owned for longer than a month or two if you’re lagging in speed, otherwise you will start to lag in power. For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 82/1/30/.291/45. Remember, my projections are a plus/minus two homers, so he could hit one foul pop 400 feet backwards behind home plate and get a negative homer. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Darin Mastroianni – Will become the new Twins center fielder. How does one get the name Darin with that last name? Is Darin short for Daringiuseppe? He stole 45 bases one year in the minor leagues, but keep in mind that prior to now he was having a hard time getting everyday at-bats on the Twins. If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know, you need to know too much. Nosy! Mastroianni will steal 40 bases, and even hit three times as many homers as Revere (i.e., three homers), but he might not hit .250. He strikes out a lot for a lead off man. Daringiuseppe, “Your momma strikes out a lot! Hey-oh!”
Vance Worley – Traded to the Twins for Revere. Will become the Twins number one starter, which can be illustrated by a sideways emoticon with a piece of hay hanging out the side of its mouth, saying things like, “Over yonder a piece.” Maybe the Major League Baseball Association, as spam comments call it, can fold the Twins and Astros together and make an egg-white omelet. Worley’s not a bad gamble for the Twins (that wasn’t sarcastic, though even in my head it sounded it). He did end the season on the DL with elbow problems, getting shut down at the tail end of August. August’s Tail End, “Stop staring at me.” Worley had some loose bodies removed from his ‘bow and should be ready for Spring Training. That’s really the only huge red flag. In Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, he could easily be a 3.75-ish pitcher with an average-ish WHIP. He did have an 8+ K-rate as recently as 2011 and he’s only 25. There’s some possibility here for a slight break out, so get proactive. (Pun point!) For 2013, I’ll give him a fifth fantasy starter line 9-11/3.90/1.28/155, but he has room to get third fantasy starter-type numbers (think around 3.50 ERA, 1.22 WHIP).
Ian Stewart – Re-signed with the Cubs. Valbuena was the guy penciled into 3rd for the Cubs, but that’s why pencils have erasers. Like Giancarlo, any day now Valbuena is going to reveal his real name is Notbuena. In either case, Stewart is just holding the fort down until Vitters can strike out less than every third at-bat, which is also Stewart’s problem, so there’s that. Maybe they can form a platoon, but not your standard lefty/righty platoon, but rather they bat at the same time from opposite sides of the plate. You’ve heard of switch hitters? Well, this is for shit hitters.