Points leagues can be frustrating. In last week’s post, I put a written smack down on some men I didn’t and still don’t like very much. There is still time for those players to redeem themselves, so let’s try in good faith, not to hold it against them. This week we shall take a little peak at the good and bad of points leagues as my therapist thinks it’s a good idea to not be so negative all the time. I told him “Look at me! I am the chosen one!” and stormed out of the office, but since it’s legally mandated that I be there, I suppose I will take his advice to heart. Let’s get right to it, since there is much praise to dole out.
Mike Trout – Let’s start with the most obvious stud of them all, the one they call “the fish.” Does anyone else notice his resemblance with Bane? The round head? The superhuman strength? The quickness and precision of a King Cobra mixed with a mongoose, which is insane since mongooses and cobras are known arch enemies (Rikki Tikki Tavi anyone?). Can you imagine their forces combined as one? That’s scary. That’s Mike Trout.
Trout has continued to lay the hammer down in abundance against opposing pitchers and, with his base stealing prowess, it makes him the points league MVP at this time. Take a glance at his point totals from the past two weeks and see these daily numbers; 6, 6, 7, 2, 10, 2, 4, 8, 4, 7, 3, 1, 11. Diiiizam! You keep waiting for him to fall back to earth, but this is just who the guy is. Bane and God are both solid nicknames for this points league savage. Seasons like this lead to fantasy titles. Cherish these moments. Okay, enough touchy-feely crap.
Homer Bailey – 26, 22, 18, 31, 19. These are the fantasy point totals of Homer’s last 5 starts. I didn’t think the guy had it in him. Once a top prospect, Bailey has been to fantasy baseball what Kevin James has been to movie watchers everywhere; a steaming pile of cow dung. I was extremely perturbed when Bailey was given a spot in the rotation over Aroldis Chapman to start the year but somehow, some way it has turned out to be a sound decision by the big dog, Dusty Baker. Kudos to him. He’s still friggin’ nuts. Oh, and kudos to you if Bailey is on your roster. Kudos to me for giving you kudos for having him. Kudos are good; yay Kudos.
Jason Kubel – Jason Freakin’ Kubel! Are you kidding me?! When Kubes and his bash brother, Michael Cuddyer, left the Twins this year for greener pastures I wasn’t expecting all that much different from the usual 20 homers and 70 ribbies. Boy, was I wrong. How wrong you ask? Like not strapping up with a Tijuana hooker kind of wrong. Kubel is straight mashing and in all actuality should be considered for NL MVP at this point. That doesn’t sound right, does it? Bear with me and peep the numeros for Kube’s last 8 starts: 12, 0, 0, 19, 10, -3, 3, 6. Slow down, Kubes, you’re killin em! So Kubes to you, Kubes to me…Okay, enough of that crap.
I’m starting to shake uncontrollably! It’s that time again. The time to verbally urinate on some players I consider the geldings of fantasy. Don’t feel bad for them. These guys are bringing down my points league teams everywhere. There is always a chance at redemption, and when/if they do redeem themselves, they will be praised like the stallions we thought them to be before the season started.
When the season began I was ecstatic to have these chosen few on my rosters, only to now feel like this guy. Now he knows what Ace Ventura and Dan Marino felt like after dalliances with Lois Einhorn. Hot shower, bro, and you’ll be good as new.
Matt Wieters – Somehow the 7th ranked catcher on the player rater. That’s with a paltry .240 and a limp total of 12 dingers. To think, a few years back I drafted this annual let down in the 4th round of a dynasty league. I swindled some sap out of Granderson and Hamels who had the same obsession with Wieters and went on a title run for the ages. You’d think I would have learned my lesson after taking a year off the guy. Nope. Right back at it like a crack addict, here I am, drafting him in multiple leagues this season. His point totals from the past few weeks are embarrassing: 3, 1, 3, -2, 1, 2, 0, -2, -2, -3, 0. Those are beautiful numbers if you’re playing blackjack and hitting on an 18, but for points leagues it’s down right disgusting.
I liken this to the way I get suckered into going to every single Vince Vaughn film. “Swingers,” an all-time classic. “Wedding Crashers” will live on in my heart forever, no thanks to Owen Wilson of course, but still one for the ages. Then we get into straight bricks like “Fred Claus,” “Four Christmases,” and “The Dilemma.” My God, The Dilemma was atrocious! Yet, I still get hyped up for all Vaughn’s new releases and hope he can recapture the magic of old. Maybe “The Watch” will be great. Maybe Wieters will have an outstanding second half and take Baltimore into the playoffs. Maybe they will both suck. I have more faith in Vaughn than Wieters but, hey, I also don’t own Vaughn on any teams.
Francisco Rodriguez – It seems like yesterday this used-up bum was recording his MLB record 62nd save. You remember it, Myspace was actually cooler than Facebook. The tragedies that are Myspace and K-rod have long been finished. We try and remember them for their glory years, for the men they once were, but we end up just despising them even more and giggling when you see some lame band pretends Myspace is still good for music.
Rodriguez is supposedly just 30 years of age and it’s been challenging for me to give up on him, but I think a Jay-Z quote best explains K-Rod’s career; “You started with a spark, but now you’re just garbage.” Just like with Myspace, it’s been difficult for me to let go, but let go we must. RIP K-rod’s fantasy relevance. You will be missed…Not really. I hate you!
Carlos Lee – El Caballo AKA Donut turned down a trade to Los Angeles to play for the contending Dodgers, but excepted one to play for the floundering Marlins? It should be illegal to be this out of shape and play a professional sport. I don’t even know why he is getting his name on this site. 6 HOMERS?! I guess the drug testing has severely limited Lee’s deep stroke. His last 8 games shape up like this points wise: 3, 2, -1, 1, 1, 2, -1, 1. Impressive, if your goal is to be less than mediocre. If you get anything out of this entire post, let it be this video, which is Caballo’s theme song.
Until next week, my friends.